"Mum, no!"
The redhead couldn't evade his mother's large wooden spoon, which was charmed to whack him on any available body part once every ten seconds.
"I d-"
Thwack!
"You could-"
Thwack!
"Bye!" The unfortunate Weasley ran for the door, only to find the rest of his family-an angry Veela sister-in-law and an enraged Man-Who-Lived-Again were particularly frightening-and...
"Professor Snape, I thought you were dead!"
"Mr. Weasley, not only did I survive, but I do believe I have quite a good libel claim against you," rumbled Snape as he crowded the shocked man back into the house.
"You aren't the only one," said Fleur, before turning to her husband. "Secretly in love with him? I would much rather have drowned in the Black Lake!"
Bill's predatory smile and the feral look in his eyes made his brother flinch. "You will fix this."
"O-of course!"
"He had better fix it. I have never, and I repeat, never, had sex with either Ron or Harry-I love them like brothers. You don't know how hard it was to keep Marcus from coming over here and hexing his bits!" declared Hermione.
Thwack!
"Mum!"
"I must have forgotten to cancel the charm," said Molly, "...seeing as I'm only good for a good meal, a good cry or meddling in my children's lives."
"Really! The way you write it, she sold me to Dumbledore to use as a weapon against Harry!" said Ginny, brandishing her wand.
Just as the accusations were getting louder and the whacks were getting faster, Arthur walked in.
"Percival Ignatius Weasley! Even when you were toady to Cornelius Fudge, I was less embarrassed to call you my son than I am today. That piece of fiction you've passed off as a memoir is the most egregious lack of respect for family I've ever seen. Tomorrow you will find out what happens when you get me angry," the family patriarch stated.
Percy gulped.
Severus looked at the frightened Weasley progeny and smiled. "I sincerely hope you have taken care of it, Arthur."
"Don't worry, Severus, you'll be pleased," said Arthur.
Hermione hugged him on her way out. "I've heard about your creativity when you're angry," she whispered in his ear. "I'll tell Marcus you took care of it."
The next morning, Percy decided to take an extended vacation out of the country. iI should never underestimate Dad,/i he thought to himself as he saw the headline on the front page of the Daily Prophet.
Percy Weasley's Memoir a Fake!
In a stunning revelation, Arthur Weasley discloses that his son was given a love potion by famed poison-pen Rita Skeeter during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. "She needed insider information from someone close to the Minister. The Healers at St. Mungo's confirm that a slight error in brewing that particular potion resulted in megalomania..."