Loving him is such a natural sweet thing. I think of it like breathing. It's always been there, just like him, and I always will do it until I die. Breathing supports the rest of your body, giving your cells the exhilaration of life. There's even an entire system to help you breathe. When you love him your whole body loves him and you don't even realize. Lots of people breathe, and you're sure that lots of people love him. To me though, my love for him will always be such an easy delicate thing.
I.
The air was moistening the top of my head that day making my hair feel wet to the touch. My cheeks were red with a sort of childhood cheer and my skin felt humid. I swung back in forth in my too big rain boots stuck a half a meter in the ground. Plaid shorts bounced against my shins with each lean, just barely below my knees covering up an itching scab. "Iwaaa-chan," I had cried out, my voice at an annoying high pitch, "Iwaaaa-" my voice called out to him.
I was only a few feet from the door but I knew I wouldn't be able to make it without getting sploshed with mud. The rain had only stopped less than an hour ago and I had immediately ran out into my muddy yard to go to Iwa-chan's trying to make a shortcut instead of walking along the pavement. My brown rain boots had sunken though, I could have climbed out of my shoes but that meant getting covered in the brown squish surrounding me.
"IIIIIwa-chan!" my childish voice had shrilled, I could see his house from where I was stuck, and really, if he was inside there was no conceivable way for him to hear my distressed calls for him. I had just wanted to play, the rain had taken three days, what if the Sun never came out again? I just wanted it to be sunny like my seventh birthday was again. By this point my feet had started to sweat in my large boots and the humidity made me uncomfortable. The scab on my knee started to become unbearable since the salt of my skin met with my wound. Leaning back I felt perspiration from the air form on my cheek and I stared at the black sky. I was stuck, Iwa-chan wouldn't come for me and my white shirt would be ruined by the light sprinkle of rain that began to fall.
"I'll be back soon Kaa-san!" a voice pierced through my wallowing. Iwa-chan! He'd Come! Still leaning back with my arms hanging behind me, I turned my head to see Iwa-chan covered in a yellow raincoat and the same brown boots as me on his feet. He slammed the door closed after a voice from inside called back and turned to move down the porch. He'd heard me, and come to rescue me! Even though it was starting to rain again!
A childish resoluting pout crossed Iwa-chan's face as he started down his driveway sticking strictly to the pavement. I was shocked, Iwa-chan hadn't seen me at all, he kept his head down to avoid the water in the gutters and hadn't noticed me at all. He walked along the roadside and made it to my mailbox before I called him. "Iwa-chan! Iwa-chan!" I shouted. Immediately Iwa-chan's head had snapped up before he took in the sight of me in disbelief. "Oikah-wa?" he shouted back in disbelief "What're you-?" he questioned looking at me a half a meter shorter than normal. " I was comin' ta visit ya Iwa-chan!" I explained grinning wildly as the confusion only grew more on his face. "Well why're you in the mud then?" He shot back at me scratching his cheek from where he stood at the end of my driveway. I sucked in a big breath and yelled back "Well I was cuttin' cross the lawn but I got stuck!" then sticking my hands out in a grabbing motion called again "Iwa-chan save me!"
Staring at me Iwa-chan slowly came up the driveway at a seemingly crawling pace until he stood directly parallel to me. "Iwa?" I said softly staring back, would he not come get me? Suddenly a smile broke out on Iwa-chan's face like the sun after all this rain "Don't worry Kawa-chan I'll get you." he comforted me in a strong voice. Slowly he picked his way through the mud trying not to step too hardly on soft spots and thinking out his footing. When we stood only an inch apart I looked up at him from where I had sunken in the ground, my eyes squinting through the rain that had started to sprinkle. Iwa-chan moved in a 180 degree turn and bent down showing me his yellow rain coated back. I looked down, his coat had slicked from the rain and would get my shirt wet. "What're you waiting for Kawa-chan? Climb on, I'm saving you 'member?" he turned his head to the side and flashed me his pearly whites. I hesitated- "My shirt," I mumbled as Iwa-chan stood up to hear me better. Iwa-chan always got mad when I acted 'like a girl' he said, but my nee-chan was really tough, a prissy he would correct.
"What?" he said
"My shirt," I mumbled again
"Louder"
"My shirt."
"SPEAK UP!"
"I SAID MA SHIRT!" I screamed in his face
A grin spread across Iwa-chan's face, "priss" he announced. "It's new, and white and wahhhh-!" I began to protest as Iwa-chan picked me up in his arms so that he held me like a baby. He sunk about another three centimeters before wrenching his boots a out of the mud with a loud squelching sound. My feet dangled around his waist as he carried me another two meters to the end of my yard. I looked down at the ground from over his shoulder. "Thanks for savin' me Iwa-chan," I whispered softly. "Ahh," he sighed back "I'll save ya whenever ya need it Kawa-chan," he promised. Clinging to his neck I felt safe like I believed it.
It was so natural at the time. He would be there for me, nothing to it. When you're a kid you just breathe, when I was a kid I just knew Hajime was there for me.
II.
I met his eyes across the court when the third years had tried to intimidate me. He was behind me where he was picking up some volleyballs and throwing them into the bin. Vaguely aware of this I had sipped from my water bottle when Toshiro-san leaned in close to me "Are ya nervous Oikawa-chan?" he wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Tch," I had scoffed trying to hide my nerves at the first game of my junior high career. "I'm not even playing," I turned away flicking varsity jacket in an effort to not show how it was getting to me that I wasn't playing.
My dramatic turn led me right into his eyes and across the court he still was able to know. He stopped where he was leaning down and searched my face as he picked up another ball. Then slowly a small smile spread across his lips. Straightening out he threw the ball at me from across the court. I followed it's path in the air with my eyes ignoring Toshiro-san's goading from behind me.
I lifted my hands slowly and the red and white pattern of the ball was all I could focus on. I brought my arms into a stretch and tossed the ball, flicking my wrists slightly. I continued to watch it arc back down before the dull thump of it hitting the shiny court brought me back to my senses. It arced a little too much and my form could have been better, but I felt better. Familiarized. I would play as first string by third year as a setter, I knew I could stand on the court.
My eyes zoned out and back in as I blinked, Tohiro-san bumped me from behind, "You'll be stealing my position in no time eh? Oikawa-chan." I blushed and bowed my head slightly "I hope so!" I blurted out without giving it much thought. As I lifted my head I felt a hard hit to the back of my head "Rude!" I heard Iwa-chan call out as the ball fell to the floor again.
"Ah, sorry Toshiro-san!"
You don't even realize that your breathe gives you life. How his love watched over me.
III.
I stared at the plastic dull neon star on my ceiling. The five pointed arms reaching out over my roof. In the silence of the early morning I could hear my breaths like they were someone else's in my ear. For a second I concentrated on the pattern in out in out but that just made it harder so I made an effort to not think about it. My eyes drifted over the ceiling to a rounded Mars.
His laugh bombarded my ears for a moment. A slight twinkle at the edge of my ears during dusk. I flopped my body around as even in the privacy of my room I could still feel my cheeks burn. Iwa-chan was just next door what if he heard me thinking about him? He smiled yesterday at lunch and it meant so much more than it did before. I just wanted him to keep smiling forever.
I brought my arms up to my chest and balled up my sheets around me. "Gah!" I screamed into my pillow kicking my legs in frustration, before freezing. Looking around my room in case my parents had somehow heard me. I could make out most details as my eyes had completely adjusted and I stared at the picture of me and Iwa-chan smiling in front of the Disneyland in Tokyo. I studied his face while listening to movement in the hallway.
With confirmation no one had awoken I flopped back onto my back still hugging my sheets, this time staring at the stick on version of Venus. My mind drifted to Iwa-chan's mom and how she would welcome them into the house even after Iwa-chan had captured a dozen bugs in his mason jar and would track mud into the house. How I would tell the story of how we caught them even though Iwa-chan did all the work.
I thought about how he pulled me into his arm after we won the game against the other junior highs. How his sweat and smile would feel. I thought about how he would stab his agedashi tofu late at night when they would have midnight snacks. How he would greet my mom when I brought him over for a movie.
My head fell to the side and my hair slide across my pillow in a slithering sound and tickling the side of my face. I stared at the red numbers on my clock that read 2:23 burning my eyes until the numbers blurred. I blinked before letting my eyes unfocus again.
He's on my mind again by the time the clock flips to 2:24 and I knew I would have bags under my eyes for the next following days. Iwa-chan would probably scold me again thinking I was watching videos on my laptop again. My cheeks turned the color of the clock for the second time that night thinking about Iwa-chan worrying about me.
I grasped for the water on my bedside table to take a slow drag from the contents of the cup. My eyes landed on the picture of us at Disney again.
I think I was ok with falling in love with Iwa-chan
Sometimes you become uniquely aware of your breath. When you become too close to realizing how far you've fallen for the one you love.
IV.
My eyes burned in self made humiliation. How could I have been so stupid to fall in love with Iwa-chan? He's my best friend, my knight, my soulmate. Had to be. I stared across the court with tears about to spill over. My last year of middle school and I just made the worst mistake ever. How could I have been so dumb to let myself do anything?
Really he wasn't doing anything that damn first year Kageyama. His Iwa-chan would smile at him though, hand him the ball. Now here I was coming back to the gym so we could walk home together just to see him spiking Kageyama's tosses. The same first year that Iwa-chan seemed to feel an obligation to whenever the kid came around asking for advice. The perfect form, perfect toss perfect little manipulator apparently.
The kid looked Iwa-chan like he hung the stars- which he did on my ceiling in second year, two days before I realized I loved him no all my stars were falling to the ground. So apparently the kid could make Iwa-chan help him whenever he wanted, still Iwa-chan would always be there for him. Always.
"Iwaaa-chann!" I cried out, this had to be a mistake, maybe he felt guilted into helping the kid out. I could be there for Iwa-chan and get him out of this. I watched Iwa-chan turn around and the tossed ball fall to the ground with a feeling of satisfaction curling in my stomach. "What's taking you so long? You said we would watch the Japanese teams new plays tonight," I said trying to get him to remember I was more important. A guilty look crossed Iwa-chan's face and a flash of victory shot through me. He was guilted, I was right. "Sorry," he began rubbing the back of his head while I adjusted my hand on my bag "totally forget…" he looked at me in the eye and a thrill shot through me "rain check? I wanted to help Tobio-chan hit some, he's almost as good as you so I wanted to help him practice for when we leave next year," Iwa-chan finished.
Tobio-chan. Rain check. Oh. "But-" I demanded, then paused I wasn't number one, fine, just fine. I swallowed through the thickness in my mouth "Sure! Tobio-chan needs all the help he can get doesn't he?" I turned quickly. Crossing the gym I ignored the gasp of "Oikawa!" that echoed across the empty space. I moved my legs faster before he could make me apologize to Tobio-chan. Can't he realize that the kids already apparently fucking perfect? Couldn't he?
Couldn't he tell that I was his number one? He used to see right through me.
I broke through the gates of the school and almost fell into a sprint to get home. It doesn't matter to me. Tobio-chan won't win. And besides I probably never even really liked Iwa-chan, I probably just confused platonic soulmate and soulmate-soulmate. It's ok really because I always had trouble doing stuff without Iwa-chan and now I could use this experience to not put too much effort forth. It's like Iwa-chan says "Don't waste yourself out on this," whenever I wanted to overwork myself in volleyball.
I ghosted through my house to avoid confrontation with my family members. I threw my door open and flinched slightly at the bang and the bounce back of the door. In the corner of my room I saw the stars Iwa-chan had hung and moved to tear them down. My nails dug into my skin around the string hold the golden cutouts to the ceiling and pulled down, tearing them off like hair. I watched them flutter to the ground before my breathing evened out.
Slowly I calmed down and instead of hot tears, cold ones flowed down my cheeks and I turned around my room. Calmly I walked around the area listening to my sneakers dig into the carpet and and took down pictures of Iwa-chan. I placed them into a neat pile on my bedside table before beginning to rummage through my drawers. I pulled out three shirts, four pants, a sweatshirt and a pair of sneakers that all belonged to Iwa-chan placed them next to the pictures. It felt like I was moving him out.
I wasn't it's just that it feels weird for bestfriends to be this close, almost everything in here could be traced back to Iwa-chan. We were just friends really.
I turned and fell face first into my bed grabbing the sheets. I sobbed so hard I almost threw up and dry heaved into the sheets, spit and tears forming a spot on the sheets. My feets were still on the ground and my sneakers dug into the carpet violently.
Really I wasn't jealous, we weren't even dating so it didn't matter. I'm not threatened by Kageyama either. I had spent this entire year doing better than some genius first year. I only had a month left of this school, I could leave soon right?
Another heave told me that wouldn't be the case.
Why was I so sensitive about this?
Sometimes when you focus on the rhythm of your breath it gets harder to breathe.
V.
It's about halfway through second year. I was trying to fade from Iwa-chan. To everyone else I had become twice as popular, I knew that puberty had done well by me too. I only went to Iwa-chan's about once every month for homework. I think he could tell.
He used to tell me to sleep more and eat more when I first tried to back away from him. I couldn't be his only setter and he wouldn't be my only spiker, I needed to distance myself a bit so we could grow. It's had gotten harder for him to read me though, I'm sure. It's better this way
I saw him across the courtyard, I was surrounded by the team and I was sure Iwa-chan would make his way over eventually, once he's picked out his juice. I wonder if he knows I watched him still, the way he smiled, walked and talked. I haven't forgotten you Iwa-chan, it's just that you need to forget me. I had thought
He turned my way and I began to pay attention to Hanamaki and chew slowly on my apple. The group were talking about the managers on the other teams, and the other teams in general, even other sports are brought up. I make it around my apple before I realize Iwa-chan hadn't sat down yet. I look around confused, where did he go? He would've chosen orange juice, stop by the basketball table, maybe talk to Akito from Band over by the library. But still he should've been there. My head whipped around the courtyard, my bangs getting ruffled by the wind. With the excuse of throwing away my apple core I slowly stood to leave the group and look for Iwa-chan.
It was dumb really I didn't care about Iwa-chan anymore, it really shouldn't matter. Walking closer to the library I saw the back of Iwa-chan's backpack with the star keychain hooked around the zipper. I made out a girl's voice as I got closer "I really like you Iwaizumi-san," I heard. Just like that. She just confessed just like that? How?
Suddenly it hit me, this couldn't be the only girl- person to like Iwa-chan. With my head spinning, in what was definitely not jealousy, I barely heard the response of Iwa-chan telling the girl no, and turning her down. Did this mean he had someone else? Was he already dating someone? It was no good. What if it was another setter? I mentally slapped myself, it didn't matter if it was another girl or another setter, whatever made Iwa-chan happy. Someone who he didn't constantly look over or throws imperfect tosses. Really.
I made my way back to the team feeling like I had been self-made-rejected all over again. It must've been my fault. That girl made it look too easy to profess love, but what if I had been that girl and Iwa-chan had said no to me? It wouldn't matter, even if Iwa-chan is rejecting me, it doesn't matter because then Iwa-chan would still be with me.
What a mistake I've made.
It took dragging myself through the rest of the day to get to practice. I made it through six jump serves before the last remainders of the team filtered in and we officially start stretches and warm ups. Captain Daiki-san calls out the number of seconds and we all drone back to him as our voices echo throughout the gym. We ran three laps before I could work on perfecting my jump serve again. Only this time I saw him walking along the edge of the court.
I'm was midway through coming down and my leg just forgot to unlock. The fall hurt but the way he rushed over with worry is worse. "Oikawa-chan," he murmured, practically lifting me "Oh, you're getting distracted again." I wanna shake him off, tell him I'm fine and that I can perfect this serve, but being close to him makes me feel good. There's a lurch and suddenly he's holding me like a kid.
My foot dangled as he called out to the coach that he's bringing me to the clinic. My voice forgot how to work as I bounced along in his arms, reminded of a day so far in the past. For just a moment my grip tightens and I think his does too. Iwa-chan sets me down in the bed while the nurse bustles about, he was just about to head home before we came in but the man still helps get the ice for us before he finished cleaning up his area.
We sit there for a bit when Iwa-chan opens up his mouth "You don't have to perfect your jump serves you know, your tosses are already amazing," he told me. "And you don't have to distance yourself because I'll hit your tosses no matter what," he continued softly. He can still see right through me and it's amazing if terrifying. I'm reminded of a game in middle school when no one could hit my toss because I wasn't in the game, how it felt that Tobio-chan had already surpassed me. How when it got to be too much when Iwa-chan defended the kid. How helpless that felt.
Suddenly I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't- instead " Why?" I didn't finish the question but he knew anyhow. My knee had gotten numb from the ice and I shifted the pack so that the water won't get on the bed. "Why?" I wanted to know. So he tells me.
He tells me how he watched me leave and how that felt terrible, how it shouldn't have happened and how he wanted to look at the stars stuck up on my ceiling again. How his mom wants me over for lemonade and how he saw my sister when he went out to dinner. He notices that I haven't been eating all the way right and that no one tells me to sleep, but now I was getting reckless and would ruin the one thing I love.
"The one thing," he emphasized and it's wrong. I'm too selfish to give my all to one thing and I threw the ice pack at his head. "One thing?" I demand at his look, "if there's one thing you idiot, it's you!" I yell at him. This time when I want to cry though it comes pouring in hot tears.
They aren't hotter than his embrace though, so it's ok.
Too much oxygen will kill you, they say. Too much love and you'll crazy things not good for you.
VI.
It's third loss against Ushiwaka when I just want to stop breathing. Third year and now it's over- everything. I don't deserve to be his setter. It's three days in my room when I hear a creaking sound. I don't look up but I know when arms surround me what it means. It's ok, I think, to want to stop everything, as long as you remember to breathe again.
His voice murmurs in my ear and I don't feel as bad anymore.
I need to wash my hair.
You can hold your breath, but it burns. And when it gets to be too much you have to take a gasp sooner or later.
VII.
In college we go to this party. There are so many drinks I forget to breathe in between and he's right there beside me the whole time. He's illuminated by the neon lights and Iwa-chan just looks like an angel in his inebriated state.
The pounding sounds and smell of his sweat feel good on the dance floor and I think I could melt into him. He's just there and I breathe him in. Everything is a blur but we laugh for what feels like forever. His hands rest on my thighs and I just know he's going to be there forever.
It's the next morning. Waking up in the same bed with the lights too bright, covered in sweat and sex and sounds are too loud. When I find my way stumbling into the bathroom to try and wash out last night I'm passing all our clothes on the floor and I wish I could remember the night before, but I know that it's ok that I don't. He'll always be there anyway. I make it halfway through a shower before I'm rushing out of the stalls.
I fall to my knees and the cool tile stings my skin as I push the porcelain up. The sound of my retching hurts my own ears and I'm only more sensitive to the smell. Everytime I throw up I want to throw up more until it's just dry heaving, soaking wet on the tiled floor. I want to crawl back to the shower, or maybe Iwa-chan's arms. I hurt so bad.
A warm hand settles on my clammy back and Iwa-chan bends next to me throwing up as I lay my head back against the wall. His callouses trace my muscle and rest in my palm as he flushes the toilet and then turns to look at me.
Then he smiles. And picks me up and takes me to the shower.
I should've known Iwa-chan would come get me, he always saves me.
It's really just natural to breathe.
A/N: So? Was it ooc? I kind of feel like it might have been. Please leave a review!
Disclaimer: I do not own Haikyuu or any characters in the original anime.