Death Note Host Club

Watari pencil scratched numbers and figures rapidly over a small piece of paper, only to have them erased minutes later and new figures added to take their place.

Roger had watch this process take place for fifteen minutes until Watari finally threw down his pencil in frustration and hangs his shoulders in defeat.

He turned and looked at Roger with eyes full of disappointment and said," I'm afraid we are barely making ends meet at the Wammy house. We are privately owned and sponsors are just not pitching in like they use to."

Roger stared back at Watari in amazement," I had no idea things we going this bad. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought I could take care of it myself," said Watari, tapping his pencil again the sheet of paper with the figures on it." I didn't want to worry you."

Roger rose from his seat and took a place right next to Watari. He put his hand on Watari knee and said," we are old, English gentlemen; complaining about what's wrong with the world is what we do."

Watari look up at his friend and smiled," yes, I suppose so. But what's to be done?"

Roger didn't answer, but lean back in his chair, and closed his eyes, in deep in thought. He was in that pose for so long that Watari wondered if he had fallen asleep.

Suddenly he jumped up from his chair," I got it!" he shouted.

He ran to the he's desk and began rummaging through his drawers," I don't know why I didn't think of it right away. It's just the answer we are looking for."

Roger returned back to where Watari was sitting and handed him a pale, pink business card with brown stars around the edges.

"Mari Kazara," Watari read," solver of all problems. Be the big or small, I solve them all."

"Isn't that wonderful," said Roger.

"That's quite a statement," said Watari," she sounds like a crackpot."

"Not at all, I heard about her from a very reliable source," said Roger.

Watari figured the card carefully," she is probably expensive."

"That's the great part," said Watari," she works on commission."

Watari shrugged his shoulders and handed the card back to Roger," then, what do we have to lose."

xxxxxxxx

When Near reached the door to the music room he was surprise to hear the sound of voices behind the door. He thought Watari had called him to a private meeting but the room was filled with people.

The piano had been shoved out of the room and replaced with ten or eleven chair almost filled up with visitors. On the far left of the room sat Misa, who was busy writing Mr. and Mrs. Light Yagami on the screen of her cellphone, while clinging to her "boyfriend" Light's arm. He was paying her no attention as he was engrossed in a book called "How to conquer the world in you spare time."

Near found a vacant seat next to L who was eating a new product called "cake in a tube," and Matt who was busy duct taping his PSP to his knee.

"Does anyone know why we have been called here?" asked Near.

"No," said Mello, who was sitting beside Matt," I was in the middle of an experiment for the betterment of mankind."

"He was learning how to break open vending machines," said Matt, with a smile.

"How is that for mankind? said L.

"I'm the better part of mankind ," said Mello, with a smirk.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have you attention," came a voice from the stage. They all turn to see Watari standing before them, nervously holding a microphone.

"I know you are all wondering why you are gathered here today and so I won't waste any of you time in idle talk. Wammy is in financial trouble. So we have called in an expert to help us with our problem," said Watari,' I would like you to met Miss Mari Kazara."

All attention shifted from Watari to a short brunet who had just walked up on the stage. He faced was framed with a pair rectangle lens glasses and bun perch on the top of her head. She carried a clipboard in her hand and had two pencils sticking in her hair and one behind her ear.

"You may call me Mari and my true occupation is that I am the solver of all problems. I am here to help out your school," she said.

"The solver of all problems, huh?" Light sneered,"I have an ingrown toe nail can you solve that problem?"

Mari eyes narrowed and then she smiled. Without another word she slowly jumped down from the small stage and stood directly in front Light.

"Which foot is it? she asked.

"The left one?" he coolly remarked.

Suddenly Mari jump up and slammed both her feet down on Light's left toe and then began grinding it as hard as she could. It was such a shock that Light could not withhold a scream of pain and he scrunched up in a ball of quivers and tears.

"Your toe nail should fall of in a couple of days. Problem solved," said Mari, wiping one hand against the other," does anyone else have any personal problems."

Everyone seems to be completely problem free and what was better they were paying attention to her.

"Now as I was saying," said Mari, as she hopped back on the stage," before Watari had called me about his problem, I e-mailed a friend asking her if she knew of any humorous anime. She told me of this anime about a school that ran a host club and while watching this anime was akin to an out of body experience it gave me a brilliant idea for your school."

"We should show anime?"asked Roger.

"No, silly boy, you should have a host club," said Mari.

"But, that ridicules," said Mello.

"I admit the inventory leaves much to be desired, but with some training and polishing, I can pull it off, "said Mari." The girls from nearby school will be visiting the Wammy House and fortunately their desire for romance will help them over look a multitude of flaws.

Matt frown and he turned to Mello," I keep feeling like we're being insulted, but I'm not sure."

"Well, you can count me out," said Light, defiantly crossing his arms across his chest, "I don't owe anything to this school."

"Oh, come on, Light, honey," said Misa, throwing her arms around his neck," it's nice to do charitable work. It's good caramel."

"I believe the word you're looking for is good karma," said L," though a good caramel is hard to beat."

"Then, it all settle, everyone," said Mari." I'm handing out a workbook with all our host information and I'll be coming by to talk to each of you about your role in the host club.

"Did she say role?" asked Near.

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"Alright, Light," said Mari, looking at her clipboard," since you the best looking, you will be playing the prince part. You will probably be one of our frequently asked for hosts."

"Instead of stating obvious facts all day, could we just get down to the job," said Light, looking at his finger nails in boredom.

"How is that foot doing," Mari growled.

"I'm listening," said Light, obediently.

"You job is to sweet talk all the girl costumers who request you. Let's hear you give a girl complement," she said.

Light gave her a sweet smile and lean forward," You are radiant like the sun…"

"Good…."

"….me being the sun, you reflecting my radiance," said Light, still smiling in the same flattering expression.

"Yeah," sighed Mari, sagging down in her chair. "Do all of your compliment center around you."

"Let me think," said Light, pausing for a minute," yeah, pretty much. Misa never cared."

"Well, these girls will. So from now on, I'll write out what you'll should say."

"Fine, whatever," he said, shrugging he shoulders," as long as they flatter my ego."

Xxxxxx

"Alright, Matt and Mello, your next," said Mari, sitting directly in front of them. But despite her obvious presence she could see Matt and Mello had decided to ignore her. So she reached forward and snatched the PSP from Matt and the chocolate bar from Mello.

"Hey, what's the big idea," they said in unison.

"You'll get them back at the end of the class, "said Mari, her eyes returning to the clipboard in her hand."Now the role you two boys will be playing in the host club is that of the 'mischievous twins'."

"Hold it just on second, lady," said Mello," I just so happen that Matt are I are not twins."

Mari fingered through the information on written on paper on her clipboard," it says here that you two are orphans. "

"That's right," said Matt.

"Well, then you don't know that you haven't got the same parents. There is every possibility you might be twins."

"But we look nothing alike!" yelled Mello.

"Haven't you ever heard of paternal twins," said Mari, stubbornly.

"Watari would have told us," said Matt.

"He could be keeping it a secret for your safety," she said stubbornly.

"You know a little, old DNA test could clear this all up," said Mello, smiling with false sweetness.

"Fine, Mello," Mari scowled," take all the romance out of the world with your cold, hard science. Gone are the days of mystery and excitement."

"Mello, just let her have her way," said Matt," besides, I think she's right."

"I give up," said Mello, throwing his hands in the air.

Mari smiled and picked up her clipboard," now your specialty with be brotherly love."

"Brotherly what! "said Mello, jumping up from his chair.

"You will find the definition right there," said Mari, handing Mello the clipart.

Mello carefully looked over the few lines that where written on the page Mari had given him. The more he read the redder his cheeks and when he reached the last sentence he looked up at Mari with murder in his eyes.

"No," he shouted, throwing the clip board on the ground," I refuse, do you hear? I absolutely refuse."

Having said that he stomp out the room in a cloud of leather clad fury.

Matt leaned over hand Mari back here clipboard," don't worry, Miss, I talk to him into it."

"Thank you Matt, "she said.

"I don't mind playing the role. I've always been curious about such thing since….."

Matt suddenly got quiet, looked round, and then leaned over and whispered in her ear, "since I learned the truth about Mario and Luigi."

Mari turned and gave him a sideways glance," you've been talking to some fangirls haven't you."

Xxxxxx

"Alright now it's your turn," said Mari, turning to Near," Your role in the Host club will be part of boy Lolita."

"What did you call me?" asked Near, look up from his white puzzle.

"I sorry Near, but I want no distraction," she said, taking away his puzzle. "First thing we need to do is change your name."

"I already changed my name," he said.

"Well, I'm changing it again," said Mari," if you are going to play the outrageously adorable boy you're going to need a cute name."

"Near?" said Roger

"Cute?" said Watari.

"Some help, if you please?" scowled Mari."

"How about calling him 'Sugar'? said Watari.

"Yes, it suites him," agreed Roger.

"Sugar, it is," said Mari," writing the name down on her clip board.

"You have got to be kidding," said Near.

"And you've got to ditch the attitude, mister, you got to be cute ,got it," said Mari, pointing her pencil into his chest." Now let's take a look at you."

Mari took him by his hands and made him stand up. With her clipboard and pencil in hand she slowly circled around him. She made the round once and then again as if hoping to find something better the second time around.

"Well, you have the potential for cuteness only… let see you smile, "she said.

"Smiling is waste of energy," said Near.

"So is breathing, when you're dead," said Mari, glaring at him over her glasses.

"I'm smiling, I'm smiling," he said, looking at her fearfully.

"I think that's more of a grimace," she sighed," but I'll work on it with you. We'll need to work on your giggling too."

"Why don't you just tie my hair in ribbons and paint my nails pink," sneered an outraged Near.

"That reminds me," said Mari, ignoring his last comment," I brought this for you."

She pulled a bag from the side of her chair and pulled out a fluffy, purple kitten.

"Here, you will need to carry this around wherever you go," she said, shoving the kitten in his arms." According to my chart this kitten will raise your cuteness points by 25%."

"No way," said Near, shoving the kitten back in her hands" I am a boy, that's like carrying around a Barbie."

Mari stared at the kitten for a minute," I guess I see what you mean. But I have the solution.

She reached into her bag this time and pulled out a cuddly, blue puppy dog. "He is much more boyish."

"I don't play with stuffed animals," said Near, stubbornly," I play with robots."

"There is nothing cute about a robot, "complained Mari.

"Perhaps, Roger and I can come up with a compromise," said Watari.

"Oh, very well, I have to be moving on anyway," said Mari, "to a Mr. L."

"Present," said L, who was sitting behind Near, eating a banana.

Mari eyes went back to the clipboard," you will be playing the strong but silent type."

Mari eyes raked over him silently, "I see you have the silent part, but you look as strong as a wet noodle."

"Thank you," said L, ignore her snide remark.

"However L your gloomy and scary countenance will be dulled by presence of Sugar."

"Meaning me?"asked Near.

"Up you go," said Mari, "you will be riding L's shoulder's when you're not sitting next to him."

"I not sure this is such a good idea," said L.

"You just do as you're told," she said.

L knelt down on his knees and Near crawl up on his shoulders. Carefully he rose to his feet and Near perch perfectly above like the top of a totem pole.

"That right," said Mari, satisfied with the result," Now let's see you walk."

L began his usual walk with his back slumped over, but he didn't take into account the weight of Near on his shoulders and in a matter of seconds both of them crashed to the floor in heap.

"I not sure a commission is worth this," said Mari, slowly rubbing her temples, before standing over the fallen pair.

"Common, you two, get up," she yelled," and let's try it again."

Near rubbed his head ruefully and climbed back on L shoulders, this time digging his fingers into L's hair.

"Ouch!"said L," he's pulling out my scalp."

"It's your fault for dropping him," she scolded him, "stops slumping over when you walk."

"I'm used to walking this way, I can't change a habit," said L, with a shrug.

"I bet I can," said Mari, reaching into her bag, pulling out an object and hiding it behind her back, "Okay, start walking.

L walked a couple of steps before he began to slump again, but before he got half way down "smack" he found a resounding slap across his butt. He turned to see Mari hold flat board in her hand, tapping it lightly on her palm.

"Every time you slump over like that you will receive the same," said Mari.

"I think I like it," said L, with a sly smile.

Mari took the board and conked him on the head," Your role is not that of a perve."

Xxxxxxx

"Alright, Misa it's your turn, "said Mari.

"Reporting for duty," said Misa.

"O-kay," said Mari, rolling her eyes," your role will be the girl pretending to be a boy. Here is your costume." She handing Misa a typical, blue boy's uniform.

"This," said Misa, fingering the outfit with disfavoring," it is so boring."

"Boring or not it's your outfit. Now let see you disguise yourself as a boy."

"Fine, "huffed Misa, grapping the uniform and stomping her feet to the girl's bathroom.

"I'm finished," said Misa, stepping happily through the door.

"Well, it took you long enou…..what on earth?"said Mari, staring at Misa with unbelieving eyes.

"Do you like it?" said Misa.

Mari gritted her teeth;" for one thing, when disguising as a boy, you shouldn't wear a push up bra."

"Who's wearing a push up bra, "shouted Misa, angrily.

"And what did you do to your shirt and pants?"

"I thought they would look cuter as short s so I cut the legs off and I always where my shirt like this," she said, pointing to the garment which was unbuttoned and had the sides tied under her chest in a knot.

"You are supposed to look like a boy!" shouted Mari.

"Couldn't I be a boy cross dressing," said Misa, with an innocent smile.

"Fine, okay, whatever "said Mari, "maybe we can have guys come to the club."

Xxxxxxx

Matsuda came rushing into the music room of the Wammy House, "I came as soon as I got you message. What's the trouble?"

"I called you Mr. Matsuda," said Mari.

"Who's she?" he asked.

"She is helping us out of some financial difficulties and we were wondering if you would volunteer to assist us," said Watari.

"I'll do what I can," said Matsuda.

"We are going to have a host club here at Wammy house and we want you to be in it," said Mari.

"You want me to be a host? To a bunch of high school girls?"said Matsuda, in a fazed voice.

"Your role will be the 'cool type'," said Mari.

"Cool type?" said Mello," Matsuda still believes in Santa Clause."

"Yeah, and this is just what I asked him for," said Matsuda, triumphantly.

"Well, here you will be wearing these glasses," she said," and please try to not to do anything that would get you arrested."

Xxxxxxx

"Now that everyone has got their role," said Mari, who had returned to the stage," I'll expect you all to have everything down packed by our opening next week.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WELCOME TO THE WAMMY HOST CLUB

Here is how it works.

Request a host.

Descibe how you would like to interact with the host of your choice.

Example:

I am Amber and I choose Mello. I would like to spill hot chocolate on his leather pant.

I hope you will join us.