Author: iS2.coheed.and.cambria
Rating: K
Summary: Dean can't seem to figure out why Sam can't accept the deal. About 950 words… Angst…
Disclaimer: Would you believe me if I said I did own Supernatural?
A/N: I've never really written anything this short, but I've had this idea in the back of my mind for a while and every time I listen to "Burnin' for you" By Blue Oyster Cult I remember and am like "Next time I have an hour," So here it is! Hope you enjoy it!
"Burn out the day
Burn out the night
I can't see no reason to put up a fight
I'm living for giving the devil his due
And I'm burning, I'm burning,
I'm burning for you."
– 'Burnin' for you' Blue Oyster Cult
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Driving with my brother is awkward.
He sits in the car next to me and sometimes he stares out the window, but mostly? Mostly he stares at me. He watches me, studies me. And I know all of this. I know the distinct feeling of my little brother's eyes on my shoulder. I know how the feeling is slightly different when he's staring through tear filled eyes.
I know.
And everyday as we drive and he stares and I drift he thinks about a number and today that number is 24. Yesterday it was 25.
Forever ago it was 365 but now it's less. So much less.
It didn't take until the final days for my brother to start staring, and it didn't take long for me to start burning. Burning somewhat away.
Because every single day I've burnt just a little bit. First a hair or two but then an arm, a leg. Then a body and soon a soul. Now you can't see it. At a first glance you'd see all of my body intact, but trust me. I'm burning. I'm ablaze as we speak.
I'll burn little by little until Sam thinks 0 and I'm gone.
My brother used to look at me and see his hero. He used to look at me and see his savior. Now he sees someone who needs to be saved, who needs a hero. Now all he sees is a stopwatch, counting down the seconds left in my life.
And for someone who's identity has always depended on others, more specifically my brother and father that is too much.
For my dad I am supposed to be his right hand man. I'm supposed to do exactly what he tells me and always obey that mostly unspoken rule number one – take care of Sammy. But also deep down I know what rule number 0.5 is – take care of myself, however I know we both seemed to forget about that all too often.
For my brother, I am supposed to be the savior. I am supposed to be the one hero that he needs. I am supposed to protect him at all damn costs. Nothing. And I mean nothing comes before that. I know this is what is expected of me in regards to my brother, but I know deep down the only thing that he wants for me is to take care of myself too. He wants me to settle down and have a family. Kids and a wife and a Nine to Five job.
What the hell am I supposed to do when my father's orders contradict his unspoken demands? What am I supposed to do when my duty goes against everything the only person I care about tells me he wants?
What am I supposed to do when I need to save Sammy but leave him alone in the end? Huh?
When my brother looks at me know he sees someone who's stupid. Someone who's dependent and needy, a brother who can't even breathe without knowing his brother is alive, he's okay.
Now I drive in my car with him staring and wonder why that hurts so damn much.
I wonder why he can't just open his eyes and see I didn't do this out of guilt that I couldn't save him. I didn't do this because Dad went to tell for me.
I don't have a goddamn death wish, god's honest truth.
For you, Sammy. It's all for you.
It's all to know that you're up here living and hunting. Sending evil to see me. Meeting someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and having kids that will live on long after you die. It's about that it doesn't matter that I won't be able to watch all of this from up in the clouds. It about how I'll know. I'll just know it's all ok.
It's for you Sammy. I'm burning for you. For your kids and your wife. I'm burning for the people you're going to save and the lives you're going to change.
I'm burning for everyone, because I know you're the only one that can save this world.
So Sammy, if you want to know the reason I did it. If you want to know why I'll be gone all too soon.
If you want to know why my body and soul are burning red. Why I'm loosing parts of me every day, just look around you. Look at the nameless stranger walking down the street that you'll one day save. Look at your wife on your wedding day; look at your baby on the day they're born.
Look in the mirror, but don't be sad, please don't feel false guilt.
Don't think I'm being cheated out of life and happiness. Think I'm getting the only happiness I've ever gotten, by knowing you're alive, knowing you're safe.
Instead smile and think, "He's burning for me, but not for long." Think, "One day he won't burn anymore, but until then he's the happiest he'll ever be."
I pray you'll just think, "It's hard right now, but when I see him freed from the gates of hell, when I see him smile and touch my shoulder before zapping away with a flash of white light, I know it'll have been worth it. When I look around and see kids happily playing in a demon free world, I'll know why he did it."
Just close your eyes Sammy and think, "I would have done the same."
For you Sam, all for you.
I'm burnin' for you.
So goddammit. Let me burn.
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A/N: I really hope that you liked it and have a second to review!