It started when I first met Gabriel. The man called himself 'Gabriel', and refrenced the bible or some shit like that. He dressed like Morpheus from the fucking Matrix, complete with glasses, trench coat, and a voice that said, 'I understand the universe, not like you can comprehend what I am saying anyway.' He walked into the starbucks I was in. I was doing what coffee shops were made for: writing screenplays. Yes, I worked with Nickelodeon and helped make kid's movies. Better than my brother's moving company. He sat down next to me and asked what I was doing. Scared the shit out of me. "I am sending a love letter to Kim Kardasian. The only way to make her love me is by stopping any good source of news that isn't about her." I turn to his face. He had a emotionless face.
I needed to let him know I was a fucking asshole, so I called a nearby girl who worked here. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!? GET SOME GODDAMN TEA, BITCH!" The whole store stared. Gabriel started talking.
"You do not belong here. You are from timestream 123. This is timestream 74."
Who the fuck did he think he is? "I am Gabriel, messenger from God. Before I take you to your original timestream, you must understand what happened to you." "In 1943, the U.S. government experimented with quantum technology to make a ship disappear. This was in timestream 1. The experiment caused the ship to travel through space and time, causing a new timestream to be created every time it teleported. The U.S. government kept experimenting, and created 151 timestreams, if you count mew. I don't know if a glitch timestream like missingno counts-"
"Get to the part where I give a shit."
"Well, timestream 74 and 123 have links to each other, where 123's get sent here to 74. The main difference between here and 123 is that 123 is full of assholes. Some common links from there to here can be found in Boston, Idaho, and your local high school." Don't forget the DMV, I thought to myself.
He then pulled out two pills. "After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, you stay an asshole. You take the red pill, I show you how deep my asshole goes." Wait, what? That could mean two things: Either he was going to show me how much of an asshole he was, or he was literally going to show me his asshole. This is so confusing.
"Inception," Gabriel said, like he could read my mind. Before he could keep talking the police came and arrested him for possession of LSD and roofies. He left the drugs with me. "Take the correct pill, and enter the gaytrix!"
I took a long look at the two pills. The blue one was LSD, the red one was a roofie. Isn't it the other way around in the movie? Then I asked myself, do I want to be an asshole? Of course! I took the blue LSD and started writing. That is how I made the hit television show 'Keeping with the Kardashians.' Go ahead. Watch Nickelodeon. It is on there.
Morale of the story: Only assholes get rich and famousoff of terrible story ideas. Only assholes go to hell. Gabriel was actually an angel offering him salvation, but he refused. Either that or he actually was on drugs.