[Disclaimer: The Almighty Terry P owns all (unless I decide to throw in a character of my own from time to time, but you get the picture)]
Okay, this is an AlternateUniverse fic.
It takes place after Carpe Jugulum, but in this fic, certain things did or did not happen. The ending, that's the same. More or less.
Sometime during the book, Agnes gave in to Vlad Magpyr. But, upon doing so, herself sort of...receded somewhat, and now Perdita is the dominant person. Vlad was telling the truth about the weight vanishing, she'svery thin. And although Perdy is keen on the mascara, she does not look like 'Harry the Happy Panda'. She was one of the vampires the old Count took back to Uberwald with him. Magrat has been researching a way to take Agnes out of Perdita, but so far, no luck. Vlad and Perdita are married. Because I can't find a name for the old Count, I've borrowed one from one of the other unimportant vampires in Carpe Jugulum. I believe he was the one who preferred to be known as Trevor, though I may be wrong. Although I took one letter off of the name because I thought it sounded too feminine with it.
If you were one of my readers from 'The Opera House', I'm sorry, I decided not to continue that story. But, Lady Margolotta will pay the dear Patrician a visit, and Swires will go on a date. Vime, too, will meet the Magpyrs.
Fangs For The Memories
Chapter One
In which Vlad and Perdita Magpyr are invited to Ankh-Morpork with Count Magpyr and Lady Margolotta, Lacrimosa sulks (big surprise), and the five vampires stop by in Lancre for a visit to the witches. Oh, and the King.
by Adele Elisabeth
Perdita stretched, langurously. "An invitation, Uncle? Are you sure that's such a good idea? You do recall what happened when your upstart nephew was invited to Lancre?" Her black satin evening gown moved in interesting ways over her body.
Maledict Magpyr reflected on his grandnephew's good taste, and were it not for the wedding ring the young vampiress wore, he probably would have pursued her himself. "You have a valid point, my dear," he allowed finally, "But this is different. This is Ankh-Morpork, and we do not intend to attempt to take over. We are extending the hand of goodwill from Uberwald, along with Lady Margolotta."
"She just wants to visit her old lover." Perdita rolled her eyes. Vlad gave her a sharp look. "What? It's true. Everybody knows. Besides, we're vampires. Last I checked, we were evil demonic creatures. Extending the hand of goodwill doesn't strike me as terribly evil or demonic."
"Times are changing." Vlad reminded his wife.
"Where have I heard that before...?" Perdita mock-pondered.
Maledict massaged his temples. This amateur verbal sparring wasn't his idea of a pleasant way to spend an evening. "Perdita, darling, we all know what went wrong with Lancre. And Escrow. But that won't happen again. We are smarter, now. We will play by the rules. We have been invited to Ankh-Morpork as ambassadors."
"And we've been on those stupid cows' blood diets for months now." Lacrimosa added, grumbling. The good old days, of torture and bloodfests were over, well and truly. Vampires behaved themselves, if they knew what was good for them.
This little family knew that they'd come back eventually anyway, but the Count had laid down the law, and they 'played nice', as Perdita termed it.
That was one of the few things Perdita and Lacrimosa agreed on. Disliking the new rules of the game.
"We are going." Maledict told them, with an air of finality.
Perdita and Lacrimosa, in their seperate areas of the room, sulked.
"They're coming here?" Nanny looked with disbelief at Verence.
"Count Magpyr has given his word that they will not be attempting any of the previous nonsense. None of these five agreed with it, in any case." The little king was attempting to soothe the enraged Ogg.
"He's a vampire." Nanny Ogg said, as though speaking to a small, stupid child.
"Daddy?"
Thirteen-year-old Princess Esme was standing in the doorway. "There's a lady here who says she knows Nanny, Granny and Mum. Keeps complaining about the windows."
Nanny and Verence shared a look.
And both bolted for the door.
But, Queen Magrat had gotten there first.
"Hello, Lady Perdita." She greeted the aristocratic young woman before her. Try as she might, she couldn't reconcile this haughty, pale, thin, regal vampiress with Agnes. Dumpy, saddle-bagged, shy, blushing Agnes.
Perdita's arms were encased in black satin gloves, and her gown was the same. The persistent tap-tap-tap of her matching heels on the stone ground was infuriating, but something in the woman's demeanor suggested that Magrat could complain all she liked, Perdita didn't intend to cease anytime soon -- and that she was here under protest. She was fanning herself lightly with a large fan, which had a black phoenix decorating it -- the latest Magpyr coat of arms. A black phoenix.
Magrat thought about it for a moment. How apt.
"How nice to see you again, your Majesty." Perdita didn't sound all that pleased.
Whatever Magrat had been about to say, she didn't get a chance to say it. She was interrupted by Esme, Verence and Nanny.
"You!" Nanny shrieked. "Traitor!"
"Welcome to Lancre." Verence managed.
"I like your fan." Esme put in her two cents.
"It's so nice to be...home." Perdita replied frostily. "Agnes says hello." She added as an afterthought. "If anyone's a traitor, it's her, you know. I didn't ask to be what I am. It was her decision, not mine. I just took advantage of the situation when she couldn't handle it."
Nanny stared at her, speechless. It was so much easier when she'd believed that it had been Perdita who gave in to Vlad, that Agnes had been a sort of 'fallen hero'. Of course, she didn't have to believe Perdita, the girl was a vampire, after all...but there was something about her that said that she didn't need to lie, because the truth hurt anyway...
Perdita was watching her with a certain air of 'Well, that said, you're unimportant, unlike myself, and I've got better things to be doing. Here comes one of them now'.
"Your Majesties," she said smoothly, "I bear greetings from the Magpyr family and Lady Margolotta von Uberwald."
They don't know who Lady Margolotta is. Agnes prompted her from inside.
Really? So you're actually admitting that your precious witches don't know everything? Perdita asked snidely, but went on, "Lady Margolotta is a fellow vampire in Uberwald, a friend of the family, shall we say."
That, it seemed, was enough to make those assembled before her pale -- except for young Esme, of course, who was too young to remember.
"And where, may I ask, are the...others?" Verence inquired delicately.
Esme was observing the gathering with curiosity. Everyone was acting like this Lady Perdita person was a dangerous animal that might attack them at any minute, which didn't seem quite right. She seemed to Esme just to be a particularly unpleasant noblewoman, who could probably be pleasant if she wanted to.
"They are in the courtyard, as a matter of fact." Perdita replied, carelessly. "We would like to know if a night's -- or a day's, rather -- rest here would be too much to ask...?"
"Damn straight it would be!" Nanny glared.
"You are quite welcome to remain here for tonight and the next day. After that, I am afraid," Verence spread his hands eloquently.
"Ah, yes. Your hospitality will go only so far?" Perdita graced them with a condescending smile. "Do not fear, your Majesty. We would not waste precious time toying with Lancre."
Magrat stiffened. Perdita's insults were barely veiled, and the 'noblewoman' was grating on her nerves.
"I see I have offended your queen. I, and my family, will withdraw to the guestrooms allocated us." She smiled, and it seemed faintly predatory. "Good day."
A frightened maid was sent after her as she went down to the courtyard.
"Did you enjoy yourself, love?" Vlad asked his wife fondly as he brushed out her long hair. The windows had been shuttered and the curtains drawn, allowing no sunlight in, and the door was bolted.
Unlike most vampires, the Magpyrs did not sleep in coffins. No, they slept in beds -- because they were so much more comfortable, and it wasn't as though coffins could be made for two, as Perdita pointed out to her husband. So the couple sat in their allocated chamber, preparing for bed. Perdita wore a barely-there nightgown, and Vlad wore a silk pajama 'bottoms'.
"Very. It was so much fun watching her faith in Agnes Nitt crumble." Perdita replied, amused. "They're so absurd sometimes."
That was cruel and unnecessary, Perdita. Agnes accused, her temper flaring.
What say in it have you, hmmm? I didn't like it very much when they all acted as though all this were my fault. I didn't lie to her, Agnes. It's true, and you know it. You were fully in control when you allowed Vlad to 'turn' us. I just took advantage. You couldn't accept what you'd done - but I could. I'll bet you just hated it when you realised that it was me that Vlad had been attracted to. That he hadn't even realised it because he'd not realised you weren't just the one person.
"Perdita? Darling? You looked like you were off in a dreamworld for a moment there." Vlad looked at her with concern. "Is everything all right?"
"Just arguing with my 'inner Agnes', dear. She disapproved of my fun, you know."
"Agnes was fun, my love, but you...you are more than I ever dreamed of." He breathed in her ear, setting aside the hairbrush.
And now, for decency's sake, we'll leave them to their amusements.
Lacrimosa Magpyr stared in her mirror. As usual, she didn't see anything, but today was different. Her lack of a reflection unnerved her.
Is that all I really am? Is this all that meets the eye? Emptiness?
Normally, Lacrimosa wouldn't be given to such thoughts, but as was mentioned afore, today was different.
It's not fair, the vampiress thought sulkily, that Vlad and that stupid wife of his should be so content, while I have this emptiness. This, this missing something, but I don't know what. It's just not fair. Not that I want what they have -- no, siree. I don't want that. I want...hell, I don't know what I want. I used to know. I wanted blood spilling through my fingers, I wanted tortured screams and thunderclaps while I laughed, wading knee-deep in my victims blood...bathing in the blood of virgins...
She threw the hand-held mirror away. It smashed on the ground.
But that's 'not allowed' anymore. And it had stopped being enough even before that...it had always been enough, why is now different? I hate this, I hate this, I hate it. I wish Mother were still here. She'd make everything better some how. I know she would. She was a traditional vampire. She'd agree with Uncle Maledict and then I'd know for sure that everything were all right and this damned empty feeling would go away...
I wish Mother were here.
Wasn't that silly? A wo--a vampire of her age, missing her mummy?
How absurd.
It was just absurd.
She shouldn't give it a second thought.
A tear rolled down her cheek.
Lacrimosa Magpyr didn't know what to do anymore. So she buried her face in her hands and wept.
Maledict Magpyr had settled into an armchair before the fire with his favorite book when there was a light tap on his door.
"Come in," he called, not bothering to look up.
Princess Esme made her way in and sat down across from the man she had been told was a bloodthirsty vampire. Dreadfully dangerous. She had to stay away.
"You, I take it, are Princess Esmeralda?" he inquired, finally looking up when he realised who his visitor was.
"Yes, milord. And you're Count Magpyr." She didn't seem afraid of him, to his surprise. "I've heard stories about you."
"Have you just?" The count set aside his book, tilting his head to one side to observe the little princess. "I saw you once before, when you were a baby."
"I know that. Mother and Father told me about it."
"I daresay they didn't look back on that time fondly. My nephew was foolhardy."
"Lady Perdita used to be somebody else." She said after a long silence. "A witch."
"Not exactly. There were two people residing in the body of Agnes Nitt, you see." Warming to his subject, he continued, "They say, that inside every fat girl, is a thin girl, and a lot of chocolate. Perdita was Agnes's thin girl. When Agnes was 'turned', she couldn't handle what she had done. But Perdita could, and she took advantage of the situation by taking over and becoming the dominant one in the body. We've been researching ways of getting Agnes out of Perdita, as she dislikes having Agnes residing in her mind, but so far, no luck."
"If Agnes got out and had a body of her own, would she come back to Lancre?"
"Perdita thinks so."
"My godmother's a very powerful witch, you know."
"Esme Weatherwax. Yes, I know. I met her grandmother, many years ago. Alison Weatherwax."
"Alison Weatherwax killed you dead."
"Well, as they say, you never know with vampires."
"I suppose you don't. After all, you're technically dead to begin with."
"I suppose we are."
"Mother and Father told me not to talk to you lot, or even go too near you."
"Then why are you here?"
"To find out why."
"To find out why?" he echoed, aware that he may have underestimated the young princess. "That should be quite simple. We are vampires."
"I've met trustworthy vampires."
"Where?"
"Ankh-Morpork. Father took me to meet the people at the Ankh-Morpork Times, and there was a vampire named Otto, who was very nice, and showed me his iconographs. He makes very good cocoa. And he sang nicely, too."
"Did he?"
"Yes. Mr de Worde told me that Otto was an accomplished iconographer."
"Mr de Worde?"
"He runs the Times. Him and his not-wife Sacharissa."
"Not-wife?" Now Maledict was amused.
"Well, they're not married, and they say they're not courting or anything, but you should see them. They may as well be."
"Perhaps we will see them. I am quite fascinated with Ankh-Morpork, and we have the Times sent all the way from Ankh-Morpork."
"You do? Father does too. Says it's good to keep up with current events."
"Your father is a smart man."
"Nanny disagrees. She thinks letting you into Lancre at all was a very stupid thing to do."
"That's a very narrow-minded view, your Highness. Valid, once. But we vampires have changed."
"A leopard does not change his spots."
"I suppose your nanny told you that, too?"
"Yes."
"You'd do well to listen to her. But remain open-minded. Never, ever assume. Anything. And remember this -- it is very difficult to change a belief. But you can change an idea."
"Is that a belief, or an idea?" she asked.
He paused, slightly shocked. Nobody had ever asked that before. He had underestimated the princess. "Perhaps a bit of both."
***
How was that for a first chapter? Hmmm? Review, people, I need feedback. I'm enjoying writing this story, mostly because I like Discworld, and the vampires fascinated me. It'd be nice if somebody else liked it too, but I'm not too fussed. I'll write more anyhow.