SUMMARY: Sg-1 gates to a new planet and discovers a strange animal with a Jamaican accent. Me and my sister wrote this one together on a car trip when we were really bored. So don't give me all the credit (or criticism for that matter).

CONTENT WARNINGS: Really weird.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Stargate! (although I wish I did). And don't bother suing me, I don't have any money. Unless you want a talking pikachu, then you can sue me for him. J

Cow or Lama?

One day Sg-1 went through the Stargate to a new planet. They started to walk along when Jack saw a weird looking creature.

"For crying out loud!" said Jack, "What's a cow doing on this planet?"

"It appears to be grazing," replied Teal'c.

"I can see that," retaliated Jack.

"That's not a cow," said Sam

"It's a lama," added Daniel.

"I thought it looked ugly for a cow,"said Jack.

Then the lama looked up at Jack. "Hey man, who ya calling ugly," it said, "you're the one who's ugly."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! It talks!" screamed Jack.

"Of course I talk man," said the lama, "you talk, I talk, see?"

"We haven't 'gated to the 'Emperers New Groove' have we?" asked Daniel curiously.

"This is weird," said Sam. "Everywhere we go people or aliens or Jaffa or Gould speak english. But now a lama? This is ridiculous!"

"Weird indeed," stated Teal'c.

"Is your name Kuzco by any chance?" asked Daniel.

"Why would it be that man?" said the lama.

"Um, because we've landed in the 'Emperers New Groove'," said Daniel.

CLUNK! "Shut up Daniel!" yelled Jack, hitting him over the head with a frying pan.

"Owww!" complained Daniel.

"Anyway what is your name?" asked Sam.

"Who me?" said the lama. "I am Cow."

"Figures," said Sam and Jack together.

"Who are you?" asked Cow.

Jack wasn't sure if he could trust Cow. "The name's Bond, James Bond."

CLUNK! "Yay!" said Daniel. "I got him back!"

"Ouch," said Jack.

So they told Cow their *real* names.

"Hello and 'ouch' to James Bond," said Cow.

"Jack," the team corrected in unison.

"Ohh, OK," Cow replied. "Hey excuse me, why do you have a gold tatto on your head?"

"I am Jaffa," answered Teal'c.

"Jaffa? Me do not understand. Ohh, you mean one of those red lollies with chocolate inside, but without the red shell!" exclaimed Cow.

"Group huddle!" called Jack. "Sam, next to me. I don't think we can trust him."

"Why not?" asked Sam. "He's so cute."

"Ohhhhhhhhh another Jaffa, except with the red stuff on," said Cow sticking his nose in Jack's backpack.

"Oi! Give me that back now!" yelled Jack.

"I did not know we were allowed to pack chocolates in our field rations," said Teal'c.

"We're not," said Daniel.

"I see," said Teal'c.

Next thing a Gould ship flew overhead.

"Ohhhhhhh man a ship!" exclaimed Cow.

It started firing.

"Oh no it's a Gould ship!" said Jack. "To the Gate!"

"We have to take Cow with us," said Sam.

"Alright," replied Jack, "let's go!"

Daniel dialed in. Then he, Teal'c and Sam ran through the open gate. Cow was very slow so Jack grabbed him and ran through the gate, just as a blast of energy hit where Cow was standing.

"You saved my life!" exclaimed Cow. "Thank you."

"Yeah whatever," said Jack.

"Sg-1 report to the briefing room," said General Hammond over the loud speaker.

In the briefing room: "O'Neil why did you bring home this cow?" asked the General.

"Lama!" they corrected.

"Oh, Lama."

"Hey man who you calling a cow! I'm a lama, but you can call me Cow," said Cow.

"We'll have to send him back through," said General Hammond.

"You'd think he'd go 'ahh, it talks'," said Jack to Sam.

"Waaaahhh!" cried Cow.

So they dialed throught the gate. But it would not open.

"I think it blew up when me and Cow came through," said Jack.

"That means I can stay with you!" said Cow.

"YAY!!!" said Jack.

He immediately had the attention of the entire room.

"What?!"
"Thank you!" said Cow and gave Jack a big hug.

"Waaahhhh!" cried Daniel.

"What now?" asked Sam.

"That's so beautiful!" wailed Daniel.

CLUNK! "Owww!" cried Daniel.

"I did not know a frying pan was a standard issue weapon," stated Teal'c.

"Well it is now!" said Jack. "Come on Cow let's go shopping!"

"I'm in that!" yelled Sam.

"I as well," said Teal'c.

So all of Sg-1 and Cow went shopping. Except for Daniel, who was unconcious. And they were all happy shopping, except Daniel (who was still unconcious).

THE END.

"Um, What's shopping?" asked Cow.

Was that good? Please tell me it's good (or bad I don't care). We're thinking of writing another one about what happens when they go shopping. Please review and tell me if you want more!