How do I
Get through one night without you
It was about three in morning. The previous night had been a familiar affair, three drinks at the club, a dance with some random drunken pervert hoping to get lucky, following up with a cab ride to the nearest hotel where I would sleep off my latest hang over. Tonight, the headache had subsided early, leaving me to reflect listlessly upon the barren ceiling above my head.
I couldn't remember the last time I had slept in my own bed. Usually, I would only visit my penthouse apartment for clothes. In the six months I had made residence there, never had I conjured the want to actually live in the vicinity. Seeing as it had been his home only a few months earlier, that notion was completely understandable.
It had taken me about a week after meeting Mason in Barrie to realize that I needed a lifestyle change to take my mind off his absence. I traded my jeans for miniskirts and my t-shirts for lingerie, disregarding every moral I possessed by doing so. My friendships suddenly began to diminish and frankly, it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered anymore was getting drunk every night. In a way, the alcohol numbed the pain, temporarily filled the part of my soul that he had left void. The extra attention it attracted was only an additive of decent proportion.
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
I went to the studio once a week. Routinely, I would make my way to Studio A, nod slightly to Karma, the newest Instant Star and engage Kwest in a repartee over recent gossip at G Major. We would banter for ten to fifteen minutes, but eventually that would die out, issuing a momentary instance of awkwardness. I would then stroke my bangs instinctively, and he would sigh. "No Jude. He hasn't called."
After a few more seconds of ensuing silence, he would mumble his apologies, and I would back humbly out of the room. "No songs this week. Sorry." Then, I would turn on my heel and run. Usually, I would end up in a place I'd never seen before and hitchhike my way to the nearest bar, ready to drown my sorrows in a glass of vodka.
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
In truth, it would be a tremendous understatement to say that I missed him. I began to forget how to smile without him at my side. Eventually, I couldn't fathom to how I had lived before I met him. I even began to suppose that one day, the memory of how to breathe would escape me, and I would cease to exist completely.
Your my world my heart my soul
So, you can imagine that when my cell phone vibrated slightly on the bedside table that night, I flung a pillow over my head. The melody pulsated through the down, however, refusing to be ignored.
If I was drowning in the sea
Would you dive right in and save me?
I clasped my hands tightly over my ears, thrashing about melodramatically. It felt as if an army of knives were penetrating deeply into my skull. No, he would not save me. He was too self obsessed to ever care for anyone else's wellbeing. Silly me for ever expecting more.
I managed to ignore the rest of the intro. It wasn't until the chorus that my tough exterior shattered and I found myself shaking, singing along between sobs.
Time to be your only one
To almost be your way too young
Time to crash into the sun
Time to be your-
I couldn't bear to hear my own voice lament my reality any longer. Plunging my hand into the darkness, I groped around blindly. Finally, my palm rested upon the nuisance and I pulled it forcefully towards my ear.
"What?"
And at that precise moment, my heart stopped. It suddenly occurred to me just how long it had been since I had heard that ring. Its presence now was almost unbearable, especially since I know understood who must be on the other line.
"Miss Harrison?"
My stomach plummeted, and a wave of rage shot through my lower bowel. I answered coldly to the woman's voice, cursing my phone for its obvious malfunction.
"I'm a nurse in the emergency ward at Southern Montana Hospital. Are you sitting down?"
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life.
The airplane was depressingly desolate that morning. I gazed unseeingly through the foggy window, my eyes glazing over, only registering a distant shade of grey pulsating through the atmosphere. The only thoughts that dashed through my consciousness were three words from my phone conversation that morning. Crash. Coma. Critical.
Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
As I stepped tentatively onto the runway, my unadjusted pupils blinked, breathing in the new day. The sunlight penetrated through my fair skin, glinting eerily through the thick fog that surrounded. I could by no means retract any warmth or comfort by this radiance from the heavens, for my body was numb. I couldn't even feel the heat upon my cheek.
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
The receptionist eyed me patiently from behind her stack of papers, which she shuffled haphazardly. After a while, she attempted to goad me slightly. "What's their name, sweet heart? I'll do the best I can to get you a visitor's pass."
I cleared my throat, and crowed emotionlessly, "Tom Quincy."
And I
Baby I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
My fingertips stroked the back of his hand cautiously, and I swallowed hard. This man was so monumentally different from the one I had known what now seemed ages ago. His skin was transformed to a pale, sickly hue, as if he had not seen the day in a lifetime. Several cuts littered his jaw bone, and I longed to reach out and stroke those as well.
He had always been my big, strong protector. To see him now in this horrible state made him seem diminutive, helpless. In a way, I suppose, he was.
A single tear rolled down my frigid face, cascading off my cheek bone onto his temple. As my vision began to blur, I lovingly wiped the foreign antibody away, lingering momentarily on the tip of his brow.
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life
"Can you feel me?" I muttered suddenly, pulling my hand back. I said it more to myself however, for even in my fragile state, I understood that he would not answer.
"I didn't imagine us meeting again quite like this." I cackled coldly, rising from my chair and pacing around grubby linoleum. A long silence ensued, and I played with my sleeve.
"You know…" My voice cracked, and water began to roll down the contours of my cheeks, crashing upon the floor. "I don't blame you for leaving."
And tell me now
How do I live without you
"It hurt…" My finger traced the edge of a dusty windowsill, suddenly mesmerized by its smoothness. "But I got over it." I mumbled softly.
I rested my head upon the moth eaten curtain, breathing in the scent of mold and decay. It ensnared my psyche as I continued to inhale, wondering how long they had hung lankly in that spot. The distraction, didn't last forever though, much to my dismay.
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
"Hell, what am I saying?" I whispered, stroking my hair. "Here you are, lying unconscious in a bed, maybe for the rest of your life…" Breath hitched ominously in my throat, but I willed myself to go on. "And I'm wallowing in my self pity."
"I just… I feel like I've already lost you."
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
Exhaling, I reclaimed my seat by the bed, burrowing my head into the blankets surrounding his feet.
"I don't like who I am without you. I can't imagine how it will be when you're… really gone." I lifted my head, transferring it to the cup I had made with my palms. I began to massage my temples fluidly, developing a consoling rhythm.
"I miss you."
How do I
How do I
"I miss you too."
My head snapped up, and in an instant, there was peace.
Oh how do I live?...
Song by Patricia Yearwood. Story by Me. Reviews by... you. :)