Title: In the face of the future, we panic.

Pairing: GSR

Rating: Teen

Spoilers: Butterflied.

Summary: My take on how GSR became cannon through reflections on past episodes...

The tension between you lately has been palpable, so much so that you often wish you had a knife so you can cut him off a little and hand him a clue. You'd thought that everything was going well, you'd been bantering with him again, smiling more, and you'd been having breakfast together after shift for nearly a month now. But three days ago, after a particularly long case, the two of you had agreed to breakfast at his place. You'd eaten and talked like you normally did but for some reason, something felt different, and you let the feeling get to you. He didn't stop looking at you as you sat together at his kitchen table and every now and then you thought you'd seen him reach for your hand, but he never followed through and his fingers lay inches from yours on the table.

But that wasn't what had caused this sudden tension between the two of you. It had been what happened as you were leaving that morning and, looking back on it, you can't help but think about how stupid you were. You thought he'd been ready, you'd thought that his hesitation was just nerves, and you'd thought that, if you made the first move, it would make things easier on him. So, standing at his front door with his hand on your back, you'd leaned forward and kissed him. And when he didn't kiss you back, you'd realized you mistake. The look on his face as you'd backed away from him hurt you more than anything and you'd muttered a quick apology and ducked out.

And that is how it had begun. Work the next day had been practically unbearable because he had simply stopped looking at you. But then the call had come in, 419 in Henderson, and you, Catherine and Warrick had been asked to accompany Grissom to the scene. When the four of you had arrived, he'd gone in first to do an initial walkthrough while yourself, Catherine and Warrick talked to Brass on the front lawn. You tried not to acknowledge the tension between the two of you, but when he'd taken an abnormally long time with his walkthrough, you became concerned.

You'd been staring at the front door of Debbie Marlin's house for nearly twenty minutes when it finally opened and Grissom stepped out onto the front step. His eyes locked with yours and you were suddenly very uncomfortable. When Grissom does break eye contact with you, you are left with a sinking feeling. You watch as he approaches the group of you and wait while he gives out assignments. When he tells you to take the perimeter, your blood boils and you snap at him before stalking off. He was the one who had worried that getting to close to you would interfere with work. Now he's avoiding you and keeping you from doing your job to the best of your ability. Maybe kissing him had been a terrible idea.

Three days have elapsed since Debbie Marlin had been murdered and Grissom hasn't left the crime scene, or he hasn't been in the lab, you aren't really sure. When you called to tell him about the hairs you found in the drain from the bathroom he seemed flustered and when you'd offered to come out and give him a hand, he'd shut the idea down entirely and hung up.

You spend your time at the lab between worried and annoyed. You know damn well that something is not right with this case, you've heard people talking, and you can see the affect that it's having on Grissom. He's more distracted than normal and you think he's been screening his calls because you've called at least four times and only reached his voicemail.

When Catherine calls from the crime scene to ask you to take prints of both victims toes, you can't help but ask her if Grissom is still there. When she's finished telling you that Grissom is still at the scene and that he's really obsessed with finding out who killed Debbie, you hang up the phone and struggle to keep yourself from crying. You know you shouldn't be jealous of Catharine but when you see the friendship that Grissom has with her, you can't help but wish he would share that with you.

You are sitting beside Debbie Marlin's body in the morgue and for the first time in your life, you are a little unnerved by a dead body. The whispering around the lab has not gone unnoticed and even though you are tempted to compare features with the woman on the table beside you, you are debating with yourself. When Greg first told you that the victim bore a strong resemblance to you, you were taken aback. You'd certainly heard of Doppelganger syndrome but you had never really taken an interest in it. But when you finished printing Debbie Marlin's toes your curiosity takes over and you roll your stool toward her face.

You're holding your breath as you sit and stare at her features. You feel slightly like you are looking at yourself in a funhouse mirror. Her profile is similar to yours and her bone structure is almost identical. You bring your fingers to your mouth as you stare at hers, tracing the outline of your lips with your fingers and the outline of hers with your eyes. You suddenly feel nauseous as you shove your stool back, gather your evidence, and rush out of the morgue.

Your feet take you to the locker room without your mind's approval. Catherine is sitting at her locker when you stop in the doorway. You ask her about Grissom before you can process the question and she tells you that he is still at the crime scene. When you don't move from your post, she asks you about Debbie, asks you if you've seen her. You shrug because you really don't want to have this conversation with Catherine. You want to find Grissom and tell him, show him, that you are not Debbie Marlin, that you are definitely alive. Your heart is beating like a jackhammer behind your ribs when she tells you that, if she didn't know better, she would think that you were the one lying on the table in the morgue. Bile rises in your throat and you lie through your teeth, telling her you didn't look at her face, and you quickly duck out of the room.

It seems like days have passed when you find yourself on the other side of the two way mirror watching Grissom's interrogation of Dr. Lurie. You watch silently as Brass and Grissom question your only suspect. He's arrogant and you aren't surprised that he doesn't deny his relationship with Debbie or that he seems unfazed by her murder. You watch as he and his lawyer stand, ready to leave, and you almost turn to go yourself but Grissom's voice stops you.

When he begins to speak, you are frozen on the spot, arms crossed over your chest. Your breathing is coming in shallow breaths and you feel tears burning in your eyes. As much as you love Gil Grissom, you sometimes think he is the most stubborn man you have ever met. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance. Someone young and beautiful shows up. Someone we could... care about. You want to hit him, hit the glass, you want to tell him that you're here. You want him to know that you care about him to. She offers us a new life with her ... but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it. You've stopped listening now as Grissom finishes whatever he has to say to Lurie. He's right, he couldn't do it. But the knowledge that he wouldn't give up his work for you, for something more meaningful, feels like a stab to the heart. A tear burns a path down your cheek but that is the only one you let fall because you have finally decided that you are giving up on Gil Grissom.