Alcove
"Hogwarts is fucking beautiful."
Remus looks at Lily, startled by her choice of words. He folds the book he's been holding in half, feeling as if this is more important. The redhead is curled in an alcove of a window, safely in the girl's dormitory, watching the grounds as another quidditch match goes on. She doesn't smile, but he stands just behind her, hand on her shoulder. Her eyes flicker to him for a moment.
"I know." He does smile, and he means it - Hogwarts is home for teachers and students and even those who've left look back when asked, eyes shining. Remus grins, feeling different, and squeezes Lily's shoulder gently. "What brought that on?" He's always kind, always easy to fall for; if you didn't like the arrogance of his fellows, Remus was a safer, stronger affection to cherish - and most often, he returned it. Lily furrowed her brows. It just wasn't in the way you wanted.
"It just is." She says quietly, never tearing her eyes from the expanse of grounds - the pallid blue of the lake. Even from here, you can see everything below its surface, and it's amazing to watch the movements of the creatures that dwell beneath. Its moods change with the seasons. "I don't want to go." Her voice falters a little and Remus hugs her around her neck, friendly beyond all - she fights the impulse to cry. He'd never want her, for what reason she can't yet distinguish. He'd never have her because of James.
But it was years since she even wanted him that badly. Only in the moments when Remus truly understands her does Lily really wish they were more, and even then...she sighs against his forearm.
"You don't have to." He smiles, and she can hear it in his voice. "We've got years and years, yet."
"I know." She laughs, gently. "But it's going faster as each year passes. Things have changed, Remus."
He knows it all too well. December's scars are still healing - somewhere in Remus there is cold fire, burning him, reopening old wounds, and he hates to admit that all along, Lily was right. Sirius black was bad news for them both. He guessed she didn't know just how bad the news really was, or he wouldn't have been so close to her at all. Settling to laugh bitterly rather than reply, He feels Lily gently put her hands on his arms, hanging off them slightly and letting her little fingers put pressure on his thicker, stronger wrists. She seems smaller, slighter, of late; but it's only the winter brushing out, past them.
"Remmy?"
It's an old pet name; one of tender remembrance. He knows it reminds them both of why they're friends.
"Mm?" He mutters in reply, suddenly too tired for real words. She leans back into him, and he thinks darkly that if James saw them like this, he'd assume anything but platitudes. It took some convincing to even help him realise they were just friends...but now, he supposed, James knew everything he needed not to assume the worst.
"What the hell did they do to you?"
He stiffens. "Who?"
"Your friends. Sirius, and Peter, and James."
"Nothing, Lils." He forces nonchalance, but it comes out strained.
"Liar. You're inside, with me, instead of watching Sirius and James play." She smiles. "You and Peter have always been their private cheering section. It used to make you so happy." He feels vaguely threatened for her to have noticed. What else could she have known? "...What did they do to you, Remmy?"
"I don't really want to talk about it."
She sighs, exasperated, but nods anyway. "Fine. Your business is your own. But could you forgive them, Remus?" Parts of her are screaming, trying to influence him yes or no - if no, then he might be with her always; might tell her everything, confide in her, love her, even. If yes, Remus would be happy again, without satisfying her selfish desires, and she'd see less of him; but she might learn more, all the same.
"James and Peter..Yes."
She stifles a noise of derision.
"Sirius..." He pauses, deep in thought. "No. Not ever." He trembles, arms still around her neck, and Lily finds the maternal side of her stir. "Not for this."
Amongst the pity and sympathy, however, a strange thought clouds Lily's mind. She twists her mind, lips and tongue around it. "Remus...what are you and Sirius? Not now, I mean. Before. What were you?"
"Nothing." He sighs, and pressure in on her back again, as if he is slumped over her entire body - his misery already is. It would make sense for his body to follow. "Not friends, not...anything else."
"Not friends?"
"More." He laughs gently. "Just. Just so you couldn't call us friends anymore."
Lily fights the urge to turn and stare at him. "And he betrayed you."
"And he used me the worst, Lily."
Silence washes over them, but behind her Lily can hear soft tears course over Remus' cheeks - they land on her shoulders, but she pretends not to notice. She holds his wrists in her hands a little tighter, and sighs. They lean on eachother, and she is determined to be there for him, despite all that he is.
"Hogwarts is fucking beautiful." She tries again. He says what he was supposed to.
"Yes."