ThreeHotPotatoes is comprised of shellshock81 (Shell Taylor), kitkat681 (Kate Best), and bornonhalloween (Kaye P. Hallows). After agreeing upon the major theme of the story and the main character pairing, the three of us don't make any kind of plan for the story or worry about how it might (or if it might) come together in the end. You will probably say to yourself, "I can tell!" as some point while reading the story! Hence, the warning: All hot potatoes stories are unplanned and unapologetic. Read at your own risk.

All our tales consist of 100-word drabble chapters, and it's most fun for us when we create an unexpected twist or leave the other authors in a really tricky spot. (You'll certainly see a few of those in here!) Normally we post each chapter as it is written, including extensive authors' notes that often are longer than the chapters. This time, however, we had to compile the story to be published all at once for the Fandom4Domie, so the experience of the potato is a bit different. We really hope you'll enjoy our Twilight/Once Upon A Time/Into The Woods crossover! See you at the bottom!

(PS- If you're crazy enough to want to track who wrote what, our pattern is BOH, KK (with the cameo guest appearance of hubby P), and Shell. Have at it!)

~#~

A Royal Pain

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom called Domiebook Forest lived a prince so handsome, no maiden (nor indeed many a squire) could gaze upon his beauty without swooning. Prince Edward could have won any of the females in the realm, but his heart sang for only one, the fair Isabella Alvarado Swan.

Alas, Isabella was a carpenter's daughter, not "princess material" by the Queen's decree. As any loving mother would, Queen Esme tried reasoning with her son and arranging suitable matches. When all else failed, she set a curse upon the princess and banished her from the forest.

~#~

"But I don't understand!" Isabella's cries fell on deaf ears as the Queen's henchmen hefted her into the rickety cart. A pig squealed loudly as Isabella landed on the animal, and it scrambled away toward safety as soon as it was free.

"Is no' ma place to be esplaining ta ya, lass," the larger of the two hired men spat.

As she sat sprawled amidst farm animals, covered in hay and being taken from the only home she'd ever known, Isabella was frightened. The cart driver let his whip fly, which startled the horse, and with a jolt…they were off.

~#~

Isabella lost count of how many sleeps passed before her captors finally stopped the cart and announced, "We be arrived, lass. Grab yer satchel, and git yer arse outta the buggy."

"Where are we?" Isabella cried, looking around the vast meadow covered in nothing but purple and blue wildflowers and a very old well that was all but falling apart.

"Neither here nor there, or so I'm told," the henchman said, dragging her by the arm to the well. "I wish ye luck. Truly, I do," he said before shoving her face-forward over the edge into the deep, dark pit.

~#~

Prince Edward skipped through the woods, feeling lighter than air despite the heavy tool hidden in his front pocket. Today was Isabella's birthday, and the prince had commissioned a very special present for his forbidden love.

Softly rapping out their secret knock on the back door of the Swans' workshop, Edward bounced on his toes while footsteps approached from the other side. The knob turned.

Prince Edward pulled the ruby-headed hammer from his pants. "Happy birthday, my—Charlie?"

Isabella's father stepped aside. "Come in, Prince Edward." The prince had never seen the man look so distraught.

"Charlie, what's wrong? Where's Isabella?"

~#~

The Prince stepped around an overturned chair and over a broken plate as he walked into the workshop. He turned around and looked back at Isabella's father, who hadn't left his place by the still-open door.

"Where is Isabella? What happened?" Edward asked, fear turning his gut into a mass of wriggling worms.

"Shortly after dawn, two henchmen came for her. There was nothing I could do to stop them." Charlie's voice was emotionless, a testament to his devastation. The Prince stepped closer but stopped when Charlie thrust a thickly rolled parchment at him. "They said to give you this."

~#~

Edward slowly unrolled the heavy paper, immediately recognizing his mother's loopy script. Hastily taking in her cruel words, his heart sank even lower, but anger boiled inside of him as he read 'for your own good' and 'attempting to find her is futile.'

The queen had clearly underestimated him; he would follow his beloved to the deepest depths of the farthest ocean. But as Edward read his mother's parting words, despair washed over him.

It will be as if you never existed.

Determined, Edward crumpled the parchment in his hand and turned to Charlie. "Which way did they ride?"

~#~

For the second time that evening, the Prince found himself at a back door with his hand balled in a fist. "Squire!" he yelled between knocks. "Come at once!"

A rhythmic banging and muffled voices floated through the heavy wood. "You heard His Highness," said a giggling female.

Rosalie, Princess Alice's lady-in-waiting. Apparently not waiting very long. The squire's grunts grew louder and closer together.

The Prince rolled his eyes and waited for the inevitable. Groan. Pant. Bang. Moan. Squeal. Bang. "Fuck yeah, Rosie!"

Hurried footfalls reached the door, which was yanked open. "You rang, Your Majesty?"

"Grab your pants."

~#~

"Dear lord, Emmett, you could have stopped to wash your bollocks," the Prince grunted as he shifted forward. After collecting his pants, his squire had saddled up his horse, and they'd set forth immediately.

"Ye seemed to be in quite a rush, Sire," Emmett mumbled. The Prince was in a rush, but that didn't mean he also wanted to smell the noxious scent of lady juice and sweat for the next fortnight. Two full-sized men sharing one horse was bad enough.

"I am simply suggesting that we stop at the next stream we see so you can dip your dinglers."

~#~

"My dinglers are fine just as they are, M'Lord," Emmett said. "Besides, ye donut know how long we'll be gone fer. I'd like to nut ferget her aroma."

"Squire!" the Prince shouted. "That's just foul! Have some pride, man!"

"Aye," he agreed. "Donut knock it 'til you try it, Sire."

Shuddering, Edward put Emmett and his putrid plums out of his mind to focus. From what little intel he'd gathered, they rode a full two-days' journey behind his beloved. Worse, he'd heard the townsfolk whisper rumors of her going to the Land of No Return—whatever the hell that meant.

~#~

Night fell like a heavy cloak around their shoulders, tiny pinholes of light their only reprieve from complete darkness. The Prince's eyelids were heavy but not half the weight of his heart. There would be no stopping until his beloved was brought to safety.

Despite the Prince's intentions, the gentle gait of their stallion lolled him to sleep. He swayed dangerously to one side; fortunately, his loyal manservant righted him from behind with a firm arm around the midsection.

"Sire, the horse requires rest and feed. Let me set up camp."

"No! We must―"

"―resume our search on the morrow."

~#~

"I have to find her," Edward mumbled as his squire sat beside him. Emmett had seen to the horse and gathered wood for a fire before finally joining Edward.

"And ye will, Sire." Emmett assured him with a firm pat on the shoulder. The heat from the fire was little comfort against the cold wind blowing in from the north. After a particularly strong gust, Emmett settled onto his side and held his hand out to his master. "Ye ken what we have to do."

With a dejected sigh, Edward allowed himself to be maneuvered into the little spoon position.

~#~

Edward growled deep in his chest and slowly opened his eyes. The rising sun signaled the tenth day of waking with his squire's donkey dick poking him in the ass.

"How fair Rosalie puts up with that thing is beyond me," Edward grumbled.

"Aye," Emmett agreed. "A wee touch grumpy this mornin', are ye?"

"You would be too if you had to be the little spoon."

"Aye."

Edward stretched as he looked around the peaceful meadow they'd set up camp in the night before. "Squire," he said, pointing toward the center of the meadow, "I think we found our well."

~#~

"Alice, the girl is strange."

"Shush, Jazz! She's not deaf; she has amnesia!"

"Pfft, and she just happens to fall from the sky and land on the stoop of Hollywood's hottest power couple?"

Alice slapped Jasper's arm. "If your head gets any bigger, they're gonna have to recast your wolf mask!"

Jasper pulled back a corner of the silk curtains to peer through the French doors at their unexpected visitor, who had now apparently become a boarder. "Look, sweetheart, I just want you to be safe. How do you know she isn't going to slit our throats while we're sleeping?"

~#~

Isabella tried to ignore the conversation happening between the two beautiful people just beyond the door and snuggled deeper into the plush blanket. When she'd been dropped into the seemingly bottomless well, she'd anticipated death. Instead, she'd drifted through an endless chasm of nothingness before landing hard on the stone steps of a giant castle. Her loud arrival must have alerted the inhabitants, and after asking a few questions she couldn't answer, they'd escorted her inside and allowed her to rest on their overstuffed chair. Fat tears dampened her lashes as she realized she had absolutely no idea who she was.

~#~

Alice returned to the room and knelt by Isabella's side.

"Were you auditioning for a part somewhere?"

"What's auditioning?" she asked.

"Ooh-boy." Jasper sighed. "We gotta live one!"

"Zip it, Jazz." Alice frowned before turning back to Isabella. "Your clothes are kind of… dated. Like really dated. Maybe one of the other girls at the audition had it in for you? Some of those bitches are cutthroat. I wouldn't put it past someone like Jessica Stanley to knock you out and drop you here just to be a pain in my ass!"

"Now who has a big head?" Jasper muttered.

~#~

"I should go," Isabella said. Whoever these two people were, they had enough problems without an intruder busting in―apparently a badly dressed intruder at that.

Rising too quickly from the deep cushions, Isabella swayed and stumbled. If not for Jasper's quick reflexes, she would've face-planted on their cold, marble floor.

"Easy does it, girl, er ...what the heck are we going to call you anyway?" Jazz asked, lowering her gently into the chair.

"We don't need to worry about that right now," Alice said. "Let's see what a decent night's sleep will bring back. No pressure."

Isabella exhaled. "No pressure."

~#~

"Ye wish me ta what?" Edward avoided his squire's pointed stare, choosing to keep his eyes locked on the fathomless darkness that lay beyond the rim of the well.

"Oh come now, Emmett. I can't just jump down into the unknown first," Edward cajoled, still avoiding eye contact. "If you hit the bottom, then I'll have something soft to land upon."

Emmett grumbled as he hoisted his substantial bulk over the edge of the stone well. He looked at his employer, nay, his best friend, taking strength in the Prince's dark green eyes before he let himself fall into nothingness.

~#~

Before he could talk himself out of it, Edward planted his hands on the well and swung his legs over the side. He expected to fall for quite a while, but when he hit the ground lightly, he felt as if he'd just dismounted his horse.

"You made it!" Emmett exclaimed, grabbing him in a massive bear hug.

Edward stared at Emmett. "You sound different here."

"I know! This place must be uncivilized!"

Just then, the door opened and a tall man with hair made of corkscrews looked them up and down. Turning, he screamed, "Alice! We need to move!"

~#~

"Hmm," Alice said, scrutinizing their new arrivals from handsome head to booted toe, "why would you say that?"

Jasper rolled his eyes and stepped between his wife and the two men who had somehow bypassed their elaborate security system and landed on their stoop. "We have two hungry Dobermans inside. Give me a reason not to introduce them to you."

Holding up a hand, the larger of the two answered. "Whoa, kind sir, we mean you no harm."

"What's your business here?" Jasper pressed.

The other stranger replied, "I'm looking for my beloved. Did a beautiful brunette pass this way?"

~#~

"Beautiful?" the curly haired gentlemen queried sarcastically. The Prince wasn't in the mood for any byplay and placed his hands on his hips menacingly.

"Yes." He growled, his eyes losing focus as he pictured his stunning Isabella. "She has eyes of the darkest brown, richer than any chocolate. Her lips were kissed with the most luscious of pinks, constantly tempting you with their fullness. Her skin made the richest of creams jealous. Her…"

"Jesus!" The small woman moaned, her tiny hands covering her ears as she interrupted Edward's monologue of his lady love's best features. "Get this guy an agent."

~#~

"What's an agent?" Emmett asked.

"Oh Lord," the guy said, holding his hand to his forehead. "Here we go again."

"Shut up, Jazz," the woman said, smacking his stomach before addressing Edward again. "If you're looking for Angela, she should be back any minute. She's been walking our neighbors' dogs for some cash until she gets her memory back."

"Angela? I don't know Angela. I speak of fair Isabella."

"Oh! Is that her name? I love it!" the girl squealed.

Just then, the large gates behind them opened and in walked his love―except what in the kingdom was she wearing?

~#~

"Isabella! It is you! You don't look . . . or smell like yourself!"

Who these two strangers were, Angela hadn't a clue, but she was tired, sweaty, and not in the mood to find out. "Seth Rogen's Cavalier King Charles just took a shit on my Keds."

"I hate that fucking weasel," Jasper said. "He craps on our lawn all the time."

The skinny guy was giving Angela the creeps, the way he was staring at her.

"Got a problem?"

He advanced toward her, smiling like a freak. "Not anymore, now that I've found you again."

Angela retreated, holding out her hand.

~#~

"Whoa there, Captain Douchebag," his beautiful maiden said, spitting her words at him as her eyes darted to the small, dark-haired woman standing in the doorway. "Did I use that right, Alice?"

"That was perfect usage, Angela." The little one praised Isabella as she walked forward, leading his love down the sidewalk toward a green tube protruding from the house.

"What is she doing with that serpent?" The Prince tried to push past the curly-haired fop and his squire. He watched, impotent to stop them as the little lady twisted a silver handle, allowing a stream of water to emerge.

~#~

Isabella grabbed the end with water seeping out and swung it toward Edward as he approached.

"Back off, buddy, or you're getting the hose," she threatened before capping her thumb over the end and aiming the forceful waterfall at her strange-looking shoes.

Emmett appeared beside Edward and leaned in close. "I'm thinking the hose wouldn't be such a bad thing. Their bathing mechanisms are much more advanced than ours! I've never seen a well that pours out water like that."

"What in the world are you two creepers talking about?"

"Isabella," Edward began. "We've come to rescue you, my love."

~#~

"Oh!" Alice bounced up and down. "We know your name now!"

"Isabella? No way in hell is anyone calling me that!"

Edward stepped forward with his arms spread, halting when Isabella aimed the hose at his chin. "Darling, be reasonable."

"There's nothing reasonable about that name. Why don't you just call me Mabel . . . or Fanny!"

"If I may, Your High—"

The Prince elbowed his squire in the belly, and the two exchanged a meaningful glance.

"Sorry," Emmett continued. "May I suggest a derivative? How about Bella . . . or Izzy?"

Jasper guffawed. "Izzy? Seriously?"

Isabella narrowed her eyes. "What'd you say, Jazzy?"

~#~

Ignoring the spurting water and evil glare the curly-haired Jazzy was shooting his Isabella, Edward stepped closer to his love. The ruby-headed hammer was a heavy weight in his pocket and he knew if he just showed it to Isabella, she would remember who she was. The need to hold her was a gnawing ache in his chest.

"Your name does not matter." Edward cooed as he reached for her with one hand, maneuvering his other into his pocket, slowly removing the hammer.

"GUN!"

Edward found himself on the ground as a burly, hairy man slammed him into the dirt.

~#~

Gasping for breath, Edward tried to push the large man off of him, but resistance was futile. The man wrenched Edward's arm behind his back, pinning him down before doing the same to the other arm.

Alice shrieked far louder than someone of her size and stature should be allowed, and Jazzy shouted, "I'm calling nine-one-one."

His beloved looked down at his humiliated face in the mud… and laughed. Not the soft, tinkling laugh that never failed to warm Edward's heart, but a sound as vicious and mean as his own mother's evil cackling. "Have fun in jail," she sneered.

~#~

"Unhand him at once!" Emmett demanded, placing balled-up fists on each of his hips.

The ape on top of Edward chuffed at the squire. "Or what? You'll challenge me to a duel?"

"I would best you any day, sir, with guns, swords, or fists. Now I must insist you climb off the pr—" Edward shook his head violently, and Emmett changed course. "You have mistaken the man's intentions."

"'Zat so?" The big man turned to the man squiggling below him on the ground. Oozing sarcasm, he asked, "What are your intentions?"

"I brought a hammer to bestow upon my sweetheart."

~#~

"A hammer?" Everyone spoke at once, disbelief echoed in every voice.

"Yes," Edward said as he pushed at the thug with all his strength. Once free, Edward reached into his pocket and held up the beautiful red-headed hammer. "I had this commissioned for my one true love. Only her palm will fit the grip perfectly."

Isabella's hand twitched at her side, suddenly desperate to hold the tool. She looked down at the beautiful man sitting on the ground and wondered what alternate universe he'd come from.

"Get out of the dirt and fucking leave," she spat as she walked away.

~#~

"Ange… Isabel… whateverthefuck your name is now." Alice hissed as she followed Isabella inside. "What the hell are you thinking? Did you see the gems on that hammer? Why didn't you take it?"

"Uh… did you miss the part where he's clearly a psychotic lunatic? I don't want anything from him."

"Hell, I'm not saying marry the guy. I'm saying take the hammer that looks like it's worth a million dollars! Besides, he knows your name."

"Alice, you're the one who told me to be suspicious of everyone I meet. I trust no one until I remember who I am."

~#~

"Sorry about Marcus," Jasper said. "For what it's worth, I hope you win back the girl."

Emmett smiled. "Sucker for a happy ending?"

"No, I want my wife back. Ever since that strange girl landed on our stoop, it's been 'Angela this, Angela that.'"

Edward scowled. "It's Isabella!"

Emmett wrapped his arm around the Prince's shoulders. "Edward, we best be on our way."

"I can't just leave her here." The forlorn look Edward gave him broke Emmett's heart.

"I don't see where we have a choice."

Jasper inched closer. "Let me soften her up. Call this number tomorrow night."

~#~

"I cannot believe I traded my down-filled mattress for this lumpy excuse for a bed."

Emmett tried not to let the Prince's words sting. Jasper had given him a few bills before sending them on their way, and knowing he had to make that meager amount of currency last, he picked the least expensive inn he could find.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty," Emmett mumbled before he moved toward the tiny bathroom. He fiddled with the knobs on the wall until hot water poured out, then stripped bare before ducking under the spray.

Emmett jumped as the curtain was drawn back.

~#~

"Squire! Have you seen the enchanted box in there? When you click this button, moving pictures show up! We have so much to learn. Apparently, the proper greeting in this land is, 'How you doin'?'" Edward's voice pitched low as he spoke, and he eyed up and down Emmett's glistening, wet body.

Suddenly, Emmett became all too aware of the fact that it'd been well over two weeks since his last romp with fair Rosie and her smell had long since washed off. Contrary to his mind telling his baloney-poney to stand down, he hardened under his prince's intense gaze.

~#~

"Oh!" Prince Edward's cheeks reddened, and he abruptly tugged the curtain closed.

"Apologies, Your Highness. I was . . ."—Emmett cleared his throat—"missing my Rosie."

Splashing his face with cool water, the Prince regulated his breathing before trusting himself to speak. "It is I who should apologize for tearing you so brutally from your heart's desire. Do what you must, Squire. I'll be in the bed . . . er, the outer room—NOT listening."

Emmett emerged several minutes later, towel tucked low around his hips, and gasped. "Your Lordship, what are you watching?"

The Prince turned away from the screen. "Something called pay-per-view."

~#~

"Monster Cocks 9?" mumbled the Prince under his breath as the video queued up. Despite the fact that the video did not even feign a plot, the Prince couldn't turn away. He watched as a young, thin woman was presented a phallus no less than fourteen inches long and as thick as a soda can.

"By the sword of King Arthur!" proclaimed the Prince. "How is that possible?"

He continued to watch despite his instincts to turn away. He was simultaneously fascinated and disgusted. The woman unhinged her jaw like a hungry python and placed the head in her mouth.

~#~

Edward's penis swelled in his pants, and unbidden, his hand traveled down and squeezed.

"Sire!" Emmett yelled as he ran in front of the TV, blocking the picture with his too-small white towel. "What would Lady Isabella think?"

Snatching his hand back, Edward covered his face. "Cover yourself, Emmett! I'm sure Isabella would rather I jack off to pretend people than to your lily-white ass!"

Laughing, Emmett turned off the box and padded into the bathroom. "You sure about that? It's a pretty fine ass if I do say so."

Before Edward could answer, a knock sounded at the door.

~#~

"Emmett, at least put your towel back on!" the Prince called out as Emmett toddled to the door and set his eye against the peephole.

"No need!" The squire grabbed the knob and yanked open the door. "Rosie! You came!"

Rosalie gasped, and her lips settled into a wide grin as she gazed up and down her boyfriend's naked body. "Not a moment too soon, apparently." Poking her head around Emmett's renewed erection, she inquired, "Have I, er, interrupted something?"

"No!" came the Prince's gruff response.

Cupping Rose's cheek, Emmett drew her mouth to his. "I've missed your sweet lips."

~#~

A loud squeal emanated from the TV as Edward accidently hit the remote, bringing the sex scene on in all its insane glory. It'd progressed significantly since it was turned off. The man had begun to insert his tool slowly into the woman's soon-to-be-gaping hole. She grimaced as he inched inside her. She began to scream as his whole head popped inside. Edward could not speak, but his jaw dropped as he watched intently.

"Sweet mother," Rose whispered, "that looks like it would be incredibly enjoyable."

"Am I not enough for you?" Emmett gasped loudly as Edward turned it off.

~#~

"Of course you are, my sweet, cuddly muffin man," Rosie exclaimed.

"Muffin man?" the Prince muttered.

Rosie ignored him in favor of doling out more kisses on Emmett's mouth, neck, and chin. She knew hooking up with the squire would pay off eventually, and she'd finally be rewarded handsomely for having him on her hook. And by the Queen, no less!

"I couldn't stand to be away from you for so long, so I followed to help you on your most noble quest of finding the Prince's true love." More like ensure Isabella never lays a finger on that hammer.

~#~

"It's been torture for me too, Rosebud." Emmett dove in for another taste of his maiden.

Tired, horny, and frankly jealous, the Prince hopped out of bed, upended his pillow, shook the case free of its contents, and stomped into the toileting room. Unsure where he was going, Edward threw in a toothbrush and paste, the sad cake of soap, and a small towel.

Returning to the bedroom, he yanked open the dresser and grabbed the white shirt with "prince" in bold green letters. Lastly, he added the hammer to his bulging sack.

"You can't leave!" Rosie cried.

"Why not?"

~#~

"Because." Rose floundered for words as she looked wildly around the room. The Prince had his sack slung over one shoulder while his other fist was planted firmly on his hip. Rose blurted the first thing she could think of.

"No woman would want a man with nothing to his name."

"I am the heir to a kingdom and massive fortune," Edward spat, allowing his sack to slip to the floor.

"Over there you might be," Rose cooed as she ran her hand down Emmett's impressive chest. His nipples puckered into hard nubs at the contact.

"By Arthur, you're right."

~#~

For the first time Emmett could recall, he wished his prince would get the fuck on somewhere. Rosie's touch was driving him absolutely insane, and he couldn't care less if Isabella took Edward back if it meant he'd get to slide into Rose's furry taco that much sooner.

"Your hammer!" Emmett shouted. "Did you see the way her eyes lit up? Besides, all you have to do is get her to touch the damn thing. How hard can that be?"

"A hammer?" Rosie scoffed. "In this land? Have you seen the grandeur they have? Surely you'll need more than that."

~#~

"Like what?" Edward asked, advancing on the two lovebirds.

"Your Highness, I beseech you! Come no closer!"

Emmett's urgency halted the Prince where he stood, but he'd already rounded the squire's butt cheeks and now had an awful view of the pleasure rod growing in Rosalie's palm. The Prince tried to tear his eyes from the legendary member, but Rose's rhythmic caress mesmerized them both, a tug and a twist that was both loving and brutal. A snake charmer coaxing the beast from its basket.

The fire returned to the Prince's nether regions. This time, it could not be ignored.

~#~

"Shall I take him into my mouth, your highness?" Rose cooed as she stroked Emmett's cock. She prayed she was right about the pure lust in the Prince's eyes and wasn't about to misstep terribly.

"Do it," Edward snarled as he shoved his hand into his pants, groaning when his fingers wrapped around his aching cock. Rose wasted no time, dropping to her knees as she swallowed the head of Emmett's swollen shaft. While Edward's eyes were locked on the sloppy suction of Rose's mouth, Emmett hadn't taken his gaze from the Prince's hand moving in his pants.

"Show me."

~#~

"Don't you think you should at least hear him out, Isabella?"

Spinning on her heel, Isabella glared at Alice. "Did you see that creep? He looked like a damn hobo. And stop calling me Isabella!"

"Uh… Did you see that guy? He was hot as fuck with all that wild hair and scruff. I've been begging Jazzy to grow his out, but he says he has an image to uphold." Alice rolled her eyes. "But can't you just imagine feeling that between your legs. Unf!"

"Alice! Focus!"

"Oh, I know! Maybe you were part of a Renaissance Fair tour together!"

~#~

"However we might have met has no bearing on my life now. I need to move on and find myself a day job that doesn't involve spoiled celebrity pooches―preferably one where I can meet strong men with big muscles while earning good money. Got any ideas?"

"Hmm, it would help if we knew your skill set," Alice answered. "Do you have any idea what you're good at?"

Isabella drew a blank. "No . . . oh, WAIT! That hammer . . . it called to me. Maybe I'm some kind of handyman."

"Perfect! Jazzy's brother James manages a construction crew for real estate flippers in Encino."

~#~

"Whoa, a skirt on the site. Shake it, baby!"

Isabella ignored the rude comment from the painter as she walked up into the partially demolished home. Alice had wasted no time in contacting James, and after a few days of shadowing the laborers, Isabella discovered she was extremely adept at woodworking. With a hammer in her hands, she was unstoppable. If the painter had been on site the day before to watch her singlehandedly frame the new bathroom, he wouldn't have been so fresh.

"Ready to tackle the kitchen?" James asked as she entered the wide open space.

"You betcha."

~#~

"So," James said as they gathered their materials, "Alice said you're single."

Cutting her eyes momentarily toward James, Isabella grabbed a handful of nails and loaded the gun. "Yeah," she said cautiously, "I'm sorta new to the area. Haven't had much time for dating."

"New to the area?" James' eyes lit up, and Isabella felt the butterflies start dancing around her stomach. "How about I take you out sometime? Show you around?"

Isabella studied James. Strong man with big muscles? Check! Earns good money? Check! Baby blue eyes she could drown in? Check and check!

"Aren't you my boss, though?"

~#~

"Hmm, tell you what." James grabbed a scrap of plywood and marker from the worktable and scrawled the words as he spoke. "I promise not to discriminate in the workplace because of anything intimate that happens between us, and you promise not to sue my ass for sexual harassment."

James signed with a wide grin and offered the Sharpie to Isabella. She was unfamiliar with the customs of this strange new place, but her boss was hot, and she'd spent a week in this testosterone factory. Setting pen to plywood, she paused.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"It's just . . . my name . . ."

~#~

"What about your name?" James asked, stepping closer to her. She could feel the heat radiating off his sweat-dampened skin.

"I don't really like my name," she said with a shrug, but she signed her name next to his regardless.

"Well now," James cooed sweetly, glancing down at the wood, "Isabella Swan, looks like we have a deal."

"If you ever want to have time to take me out and show me the sights, you better get your half of the kitchen framed," Isabella teased as she hefted the heavy, pneumatic nail gun onto her shoulder.

"I'm going, I'm going."

~#~

Palming the hammer in his pocket, Edward frowned at the rough fabric of his new pants, but the woman at the front desk had assured him he'd find appropriate clothing at WallyWorld. They'd ridden the bus past the WalMart at least three times before realizing 'WallyWorld' was a colloquialism for the huge store. He quite enjoyed the shirt, and apparently vampire fables were so popular in this land they designed their clothing after them.

Looking down at his shirt, Edward admired the picture of the young couple embracing in a forest and wondered why the vampires in this land sparkled.

~#~

Emmett poked his head through the opening in the flimsy dressing room curtains. "Shall I check out, Your Majes—Oh! Interesting!"

"What?"

"The lovers on your shirt bear a striking resemblance to . . . um, do you not see it?" The squire's cerulean eyes filled with concern.

The Prince stepped closer to the mirror to study his chest. "How can this be?" he cried. "My fair maiden's image entwined with a pale-faced, yellow-eyed, twinkling monster!" Edward's heart wrenched painfully inside his ribcage.

Stepping into the small room, Emmett placed his hand on the Prince's shoulder and squeezed gently. "Sire, I believe that's you."

~#~

Edward stared into the mirror, searching the image of the pale face splayed across his chest. He did see a slight resemblance in the shape of the eyes and the curve of the jaw, but no amount of staring could help him understand why their likenesses were engraved on shirts in this strange store.

"Sire," Emmett mumbled from behind, his hand still firmly grasping Edward's shoulder, "I feel like we should talk about what happened in the hotel room…with Rose."

"Ease yourself, Squire," Edward said as he placed his hand over Emmett's. "It was a mistake we shall never repeat."

~#~

"Oh, right. Of course, Prince." Emmett stumbled over his words. "That's totally what I was going to say."

Thirty minutes later, Edward and Emmett stood in front of the gate to Alice's palace. They had no idea what they were doing back here, but they'd made no headway in figuring out how to cure Isabella's amnesia. The more time Rosalie spent helping him come up with ideas, the more Edward suspected she was really quite simple as they were all rubbish.

But she'd proven herself invaluable by going out each night and returning several hours later with mounds of cash.

~#~

"Pssst!" An insistent whisper came from behind the hedge. "Over here!"

Heart pounding, Emmett stretched his arm out and tucked the Prince safely behind his muscular bulk. "Who's there?"

"Quiet, you oaf! It's Jasper!"

"Stick close, Your Highness," Emmett instructed. The two tiptoed as one until they reached the bushes.

"Finally! I've been calling you all day! What the hell are you wearing? Never mind, this is more important!"

"What is?" The Prince stepped out from the shadows.

"Your girl is hooking up with my brother tonight. He will ruin her."

"What? No! How? Emmett, we have to stop this!"

~#~

"Are you sure this is the kind of place a lady visits?" Isabella looked up at the flashing sign with a grimace. James had taken her for dinner at a pizza place and then for ice cream at some drive thru. Now he was holding open a door she wasn't sure she wanted to enter.

"Absolutely!" he assured her with a lecherous grin. Somewhere between the beer he had consumed at dinner and the multiple sips from his flask, James had morphed into a man she didn't like.

"But the sign clearly indicates this establishment is for 'hairless beavers only.'"

~#~

"The sign also indicates it's couples night, so we get in free!" James' tone was so gleeful, Isabella pushed down her doubts and followed him inside.

She could barely see as James led her to a table to the right of the stage. A scantily-clad waitress appeared, and James ordered drinks. Before they had a chance to say a word, purple and pink lights flashed around as a booming voice introduced the next dancer.

Isabella squinted at the leggy, big-boobed blonde as she sauntered toward the pole on the stage.

"Holy shit!" she exclaimed. "I know her! I remember her!"

~#~

James' eyes lit up, and a lecherous smile settled on his face. "Well now, isn't this interesting? Here, babe," he said, handing Isabella a wad of singles, "go say hello to your old friend."

"What do I do with these?" she asked.

James pulled his date in closer and drew her ear to his lips. "See that teeny, tiny G-string?"

Isabella glanced at the stage, where the dancer's backside pulsed toward the silver pole. "You mean that string stuffed in her crack?"

His breath hot and heavy in her ear, James hummed. "Mmhmmm. Tuck these bills...one at a time…"

~#~

"Are you sure this is the kind of place you take a prince?" Emmett's tone was full of disbelief as Jasper led them into the building. The air was thick with desperation, sweat, and shame, yet Edward didn't notice it. All he could concentrate on was finding his lady.

"There she is," Jasper said, pointing toward the tiny stage on the far side of the room. Edward's jaw clenched as tightly as his fists as he marched toward her. His lady had her hands all over...

"Damn it, Emmett," Edward hissed, knowing his squire was right behind him. "That's Rose."

~#~

Rose smiled as she saw Emmett and Edward heading her way. Isabella had whispered a confused, "Rose?" as she tucked a crisp bill in her G-string. "I think I know you, but I dunno how."

Rose marveled at how easily the Queen's evil plan was coming together.

"Where do you think, honey? We've worked together here for years, 'til you let a customer take you home one night. I haven't seen you since. Figured you hit the jackpot with him and bailed. Wouldn't be the first time it happened." Rose winked and held out her hand. "Care to join me?"

~#~

"You're seriously overdressed for this party," Rose said.

"Oh, but I―"

"You what? Want to make a boatload of money? That's what I thought."

Isabella stood on the stage, stunned, as Rose stripped her down to her white cotton underwear.

"Show us your tits!" The crowd cackled like hungry hyenas.

James pushed his way to the front, waving his money and licking his lips. "Take off the bra, babe! Here's a little incentive." He rolled up a single and tucked it inside her bikinis.

Humiliated, Isabella pivoted to leave.

"Unhand her!"

Ugh, really?

Sneering at Edward, she unclasped her bra.

~#~

Edward felt a snarl burst from his chest, louder than any mythical creature they had in this world or his own as Isabella's breasts sprang free from their cotton prison. Her skin was so pale; it looked translucent beneath the bright stage lights.

"WOO HOO! TITS!"

Turning quickly to the drunken man who dared shout at his beloved, Edward grabbed the man by the shirt and punched him in the face. Isabella continued to glare at him while she slid her hands down her silky skin and inched her fingers below the band of her panties.

"Isabella, my love…please don't!"

~#~

"No worries, Sire," Emmett said. "I got this."

Jumping on stage in one bound, Emmett barreled toward both women, scooping up Isabella first in one arm and then Rose in the other. He didn't slow down a bit as he disappeared behind the backstage curtain. Security rushed past Edward, shouting at Emmett, and Edward followed, hoping no one would notice him in all the commotion.

"Let go of me, you oaf!" Isabella shouted as she struggled out of Emmett's grasp.

"If I let you go and see your lady bits, the Prince will behead me!"

"For fuck's sake! What prince?"

~#~

"It's not the head on your shoulders I'd order to my guillotine!" Edward called after them.

"That prince," Emmett answered as Edward crashed through the curtain, ruby-headed hammer extended to the sky.

"Set her down, Squire," the crazed Thor wannabe commanded. Whipping off his cheesy T-shirt, her crazy stalker offered it to her with politely averted eyes. "Here, my beloved, won't you please cloak your bosom?"

She snatched the shirt away. "Why do these people look like us? And why is he sparkling?"

"It remains a mystery," Edward answered, drawing Isabella's attention to his bare chest.

"Wow. You're kinda hot."

~#~

"If you don't cover your lady bits, I fear I may never be of a normal temperature again." Edward choked as he attempted to keep his eyes from Isabella's bountiful cleavage.

"Damn it, Emmett," Rose hissed as she grabbed a wooden brush off the dressing table.

"I was simply trying to reunite our wayward lovers." Emmett pouted as Rose stepped behind him, and with a whack, brought the heavy wooden-handled brush down on his head. He crumpled like a leaf.

"What have you done?" Edward gasped as he knelt next to his unconscious squire.

"I've given him the royal brush-off."

~#~

"What in the hell is wrong with you people?" Isabella screeched.

Grabbing Isabella's hand, Rose jerked her toward the fire exit. "You'll thank me later," she said. "This world is way better than ours. Whoever thought of indoor plumbing was a fucking genius."

"Guards! Seize them!"

Instead of heeding Edward's orders, the security team just stood there, looks of confusion written on idiotic faces while Rose escaped with his beloved.

"Imbeciles," Edward spat. "Call your medics to watch over my friend. I'll return to him post haste." Palming the hammer in his right hand, Edward took off after the women.

~#~

"Stop looking back! He's gaining on us!"

"Rose, I'm tired, and my feet are getting torn to shreds." Isabella slowed to a walk, peering back at the firm pecs and toned V. Why am I running again?

Rose spun around. Her eyes widened as she watched their lead slip away. "You get that he's trying to kidnap you, right?"

"Yes, but is that so terrible?"

"You see that hammer he's waving like a lunatic?"

"Yes."

"Once you touch the handle, you become his slave. You will toil with the hammer in your hand for the remainder of your sorry life."

~#~

"Is there a 401K?" Isabella queried, as Edward came to a stop just a few feet from them. "Is your insurance private or offered through the marketplace?"

"What?" Edward asked, slightly out of breath from the chase.

"Rose said once I touch the hammer, I'm bound to work for you forever," Isabella spat, ignoring Rose's protests. "I just want to know what kind of benefits I'm looking at."

"No, my love," Edward cooed as he shoved the hammer into the waist of his low-slung jeans, "you are mistaken. The hammer won't bind you to me…it will bind me to you."

~#~

"So, you'd be my slave? Why the hell would you want that?"

Stepping forward, Edward held out his hand. "Because I love you," he said simply. "I'd do anything for you already. This hammer simply makes it official."

"Oh, please," Rose said. "Are you really going to believe that bullshit? The big guy called him 'prince'! They belong in a mental institution."

Edward raised his hand at Rose. "I don't know what my mother did to get you under her thumb, peasant whore, but if you think I didn't inherit some of her powers, you're sorely mistaken. Watch your tongue."

~#~

Rose sneered. "Like you were watching my tongue earlier, when it was wrapped around your lackey's penis?"

Edward's cheeks colored a shade darker than the ruby head poking out of his jeans. "I'm warning you…"

"Maybe you should warn your precious virgin instead," Rose fired back.

"Warn me about what?"

Edward weighed his options. Telling the truth might cost him his dignity, but lying would surely lose him his beloved forever. "I'm ashamed to admit I participated in a depraved sexual act with my squire and this wench."

Much to the Prince's surprise, Isabella's astonishment changed to a delighted grin.

~#~

"Please don't worry about something like that," Isabella soothed as she took a step forward, closer to Edward. "I did something similar while I was staying with Alice and Jasper. They've quite an adventurous sex life."

"He didn't touch you, did he?" Edward snarled, his eyes flashing with jealousy.

"I could ask the same about you and this, what did you call her? Peasant whore?"

Edward closed the distance between them and held her shoulders gently.

"I never touched her and she never touched me. I simply watched and perhaps relieved some tension," Edward replied honestly, hopeful she believed him.

~#~

Edward pulled the ruby hammer out of his pocket, and Isabella's hand twitched. She took a step closer as the hammer called for her.

"Is it… is it playing music?"

"Only my one true love can hear its melody. Please, my beloved," Edward said, bending down on one knee, "take this gift."

Before she could move, a cloud of smoke appeared, followed by a small 'pop.' When the smoke cleared, a tall, beautiful brunette appeared in full royal regalia.

"Do I have to do everything around here? You are such a royal pain!" she snapped as Edward gasped.

"Mom?"

~#~

"Rosalie, you've failed me for the last time!" screeched the Queen. "Leave my sight and don't return to the Kingdom! As for you, my pathetic offspring," she said, turning toward the kneeling prince, "rise!"

"Mother, I'm busy here!"

"Busy offering your legacy to a harlot? Methinks not."

"She's no harlot, Mother. My Isabella is a virgin! We've been waiting for our wedding night!"

Isabella gasped. "We're getting married?"

"If you'll just touch my hammer, my beloved, all will be right as rain."

The Queen stepped between them. "You'll not touch my son's hammer now or ever!"

"Listen, you fire-breathing dragon—"

~#~

"You don't want to know where the fire comes from, but it sure ain't her mouth," Edward murmured with a grimace, ignoring his mother as he thrust the hammer once more toward Isabella.

"If you dare to touch that hammer…" the Queen said menacingly, letting the threat hang in midair.

"Listen, lady," Isabella spat, her eyes not leaving the ruby-crusted head of the tool, "I'm not sure where you think you are, but this is L.A. and around here, the only person who tells me what to do…is me."

Isabella grasped the hammer, and it fit her hand perfectly.

~#~

Rays of bluish-gold light emanated from around Isabella, and the Queen wailed as Isabella's face lit up with memories of her past life, of Edward.

"I remember," she gasped, stepping forward.

"You little bitch. You'll never sit on the throne in my kingdom if I have―"

A loud bang sounded as Emmett barreled up to the Queen, cast iron frying pan in hand, and whacked her upside the head.

"Don't you dare lay a hand on fair Isabella!" he sneered before turning to Rose. "And you!"

Brandishing the frying pan behind him, Emmett started for his traitorous ex.

"Emmett, wait!"

~#~

The squire pivoted in place. "Why should I not confront that evil troll?"

Isabella reached for his arm and spoke tenderly. "You're too good for her, Emmett. Besides, you can't go around bonking everyone. California laws are stringent, and you wouldn't fancy jail time."

"She's right, Em," the Prince said, turning a proud, gooey smile on his betrothed. "Isabella, you're back!"

Isabella cast her eyes downward. "Yes, and I'm ever so sorry for what I've put you through, my precious prince."

Edward closed the distance between them and scooped his maiden into his arms. "Darling, none of that matters now."

~#~

"I'm so sorry it took me so long to remember you, my Lord," Isabella mumbled. She sat upon a fluffy bed covered in thick white blankets and pillows. After the Queen was dispatched back to her own realm, Emmett procured them a fancy hotel room and then made himself scarce.

"You had no idea my blasted mother cursed you and tossed you carelessly down a well," Edward replied fiercely, emerging from the steamy bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"No," Isabella cooed, her eyes locked on Edward's still-damp chest, "but if I had known, I'd have come sooner."

~#~

Edward's eyes raked over the royal blue fabric of her negligee. When they'd returned to grab Isabella's belongings, Edward had been overjoyed when he saw her stuff several of the dancer's outfits into her purse with a sly wink in his direction. "I've never seen anything as magnificent as you, my love."

"Mmm… is that so?" Isabella purred. "Perhaps you should come a little closer, take a better look."

Edward hesitated. "We are not yet married. I won't dishonor your body."

Isabella rolled her eyes. "You followed me to another realm to be with me, Edward. I think we're good."

~#~

"Darling, when we return home, our betrothal period will begin in earnest with the mandatory 30-day separation period before the wedding."

"All the more reason to express our physical desires now, while we can. What happens in Angeles stays in Angeles."

The Prince's mind reeled back to the image of his squire's cock in the mouth of the traitorous whore Rosalie—a memory he was eager to erase. "Yes, my beloved. I'm all for that."

Slipping the thin strap off her right shoulder, Isabella revealed a globe of flesh with a ripe, pointy nipple at its center. "Touch me, my Lord."

~#~

"Such firm, yet supple flesh," Edward mumbled, his lips pressed against Isabella's breast. The other breast was not being neglected; it was cradled lovingly in Edward's large palm. He knelt on the ground before his beloved as she sat, worshiping her as she kept her hands wrapped tightly in his wild hair, grounding herself.

"Your words set me aflame more than anything else I've seen or heard in this world," Isabella admitted with a passionate sigh as Edward took her painfully hard nipple between his full lips.

"As does your taste," he replied as he teased her with his tongue.

~#~

Isabella shouted as Edward's teeth clamped down on her nipple and pulled it taut.

"Too hard?" he asked sheepishly.

"No," she breathed, then shoved his head lower. "Now do it down here."

"Oh," Edward said as Isabella spread her legs, letting her pungent odor fill his nostrils. He examined her most intimate parts curiously, his head cocked to the left. "The one on the TV box didn't have all this hair."

Isabella frowned and defended her bush. "Well, it's not like we had razors back in our land."

"Rose managed to scrounge one up once she got here," Edward mumbled.

~#~

"You beheld Rose's maidenhead?" Isabella gasped and clamped her legs together, shoving away the Prince's head from her bearded opening.

"I didn't mean to! She was gyrating for all the world to see!"

"Hmmph! Perhaps I can locate Rosalie back in Domiebook Forest and study her techniques."

Edward's eyes went wide. "Don't speak such folly!"

Isabella's anger melted into hurt. "Maybe we should wait the thirty days after all so I might become the woman you desire."

"I could not bear it!" Edward cried, scooping Isabella into his arms. "You are exactly the woman I desire, furry snatch or not."

~#~

"Sweeter words have never been uttered," Isabella cooed as she wrapped her arms around the Prince's neck. He strode across the room and gently set her down on the bed. Isabella demurely crossed her legs, hiding her plentiful pussy puff the best she could.

"Do not hide yourself," Edward ordered as he dropped the towel that covered his loins. His hard cock bounced obscenely, drawing Isabella's eyes. "Though I'm sure I will be in need of a toothpick, I shall endeavor to find my way through your tangled thatch."

"Perhaps I should explore your fairly furry anatomy first, My Lord."

~#~

Edward's eyes lit up. The man in the TV box had thoroughly enjoyed his maiden's ministrations with her mouth. He briefly wondered if it was rude to let his beloved pleasure him first, but his schtuppopolis quickly took over. As Isabella lay back on the bed, Edward crawled on top of her, dragging his member up her stomach until it bopped her on the chin.

"That's… different," she said.

Edward smiled, pleased he was already excelling at lovemaking, and then he gripped his shaft, teased Isabella's mouth open just as he'd seen on TV, and shoved in to the hilt.

~#~

"Ggggghhhcchhhhhh!" Isabella sputtered and choked, her throat rejecting the massive member jammed down her gullet.

Edward recoiled in horror, the swollen flesh dangling in the air between them, dripping with saliva and guilt. "I'm so sorry, love. I didn't realize my sword was longer than your sheath!"

"Nor did I," she said, eyeing his tool. "Alice had no trouble swallowing Jasper's. You must be gifted."

A wide smile graced his cheeks but quickly faded. "Will you not be able to accommodate bulk?"

Cupping his princely cock, Isabella lightly caressed his length. "Of course I will. We'll just have to practice."

~#~

"Oh yes, my darling, just like that." Edward's encouragement and the wet sounds of Isabella's mouth were the only noises. She knelt between his thighs as he lay supine on the bed, his body completely at her mercy. Her hands were on his muscular, slightly furry legs as her head bobbed up and down, her lips wrapping around his engorged shaft with every pass. Careful not to choke on his massive tool again, Isabella kept her strokes shallow, but made sure to maintain powerful suction.

"Your mouth is like heaven," Edward moaned as he picked his head up to watch.

~#~

"Mmph..." Isabella replied, the vibrations of her throat causing Edward's balls to tingle.

"Beloved," he said, pulling away from her mouth. "I want to release my seed inside your warm, moist cavity south of the border. May I please?"

Wiping a dribble of jizz-flavored saliva from her chin, Isabella looked at her prince. "You want to what?"

"Your poon! I want to stick my schlong in your pootinannie and bang you until we are both insane with pleasure."

Isabella's eyes lit up and a slow smile spread across her face. "On one condition, my love."

"Anything."

"Tie me up first?"

~#~

The Prince's lip quivered. Never could he have imagined his innocent Isabella besieged by such fantasies.

"Are you sure?"

Her nipples stood on end; her flesh pebbled with lust. "Yes, My Lord and Master."

"Very well." Wasting no time, he flipped her onto her back. "Spread your arms and legs."

She complied, opening her dewy petals like a flower to the morning sun.

With a mighty tug, Edward ripped the sparkly T-shirt down the middle, then halved it again. He knotted the fabric strips around her wrists and ankles, binding her tight against the bedpost.

The Prince was fiercely aroused.

~#~

"I wonder if this establishment has video-on-demand?" the Prince mumbled, stepping back and inspecting his handiwork. There was an obvious dark spot beneath Isabella's bare behind, a testament to how copious her luscious juices flowed.

"Why would you…" Isabella's query was silenced as the prince shoved a swatch of his T-shirt into her mouth.

"Quiet," he ordered. Though he was completely bound to her through the power of the hammer's curse, he found it easy to dominate her, since it was her greatest wish. He sat on the edge of the bed, ignoring her, as he flipped through the channels.

~#~

Isabella watched as her prince completely ignored her, and a trill of excitement rushed from the tip of her nose to the tips of her toes.

"Mmph Org," she gagged out around the shirt in her mouth.

"I did not give you leave to speak." His tone left no question it would be in her best interest to heed his command.

Flurknell that shizzle! Isabella wanted to be punished. She wiggled her foot over, rubbing it against the curve in his knee and then slowly inched her foot up his thigh, moaning in ecstasy.

Edward groaned. "Sweet baby marmalade toast."

~#~

Oh, Isabella was asking for it! But what could he find in this tame hotel room to tantalize his kinky virgin? His TV counterparts had whips, clamps, and vibrating phalluses; Edward had none.

Frantic with lust, he leapt from the bed. "Aha!"

Scooping an ice cube into his mouth, he climbed between her legs and trailed his lips up her inner thigh. Isabella squealed, squirmed, and squirted a small secretion of squim.

Swallowing the ice, Edward knelt at her entrance. "You are mine, now and forevermore!" With the declaration ringing in the air, the Prince's royal sword pierced her maidenhead.

~#~

"Aieeeee!" Instead of being muffled by the shirt in her mouth, Isabella's scream of pain and pleasure echoed freely. Her eyes were closed tightly, as were Edward's, as the thrusting motion of his hips kept them both captivated. She didn't realize her hands and legs were free until she wrapped them both around Edward's shoulders and hips, anchoring herself to him.

"Please," she moaned, knowing that there was some unattainable crest waiting for her at the end of the ride.

"OH!" Edward's orgasm caught him off guard, surging from his loins into his lady's luscious love canal. "Oops," he panted.

~#~

"Oops?" Isabella echoed as the room began to spin. She clung tighter to her lover as the exciting rush of pleasure in her belly turned into paralyzing fear. With a loud pop, the room disappeared and a strong breeze wafted across Isabella's bare shoulders and legs.

"My Lord!" Emmett shouted, suddenly beside them. "Ye did eet!"

Looking around, Isabella recognized the massive coliseum and several of Domiebook Forest's prominent residents.

"Oops," Edward said again. "This is awkward."

Unable to help herself, Isabella threw her head back and laughed. "You brought us back, bare ass up, in the middle of the gladiator contests!"

~#~

"Squire, avert your eyes and remove your tunic at once!"

"Of course, Prince Edward!" Baring his chest for the sake of the kingdom, Emmett tossed his top to the coupled couple. "Cover yer bits, and let's get you out of the arena afore somethin' awful happens."

"Wait!" The prince raised his fist to the sky, and a hush fell over the stadium. "Ladies and gentlemen of Domiebook, I present to you your new princess, Isabella."

Cloaked in Emmett's bright tunic, Isabella waved to the adoring crowd.

"Isabella, it's you!" One of the gladiators threw his helmet to the sand.

"Father?"

~#~

"I thought I had looked my last upon your face," Isabella's father cried as he pulled her into his arms.

"Ouch," she squeaked as her breasts pressed painfully against his hard armor.

"If you would unhand my princess," Edward said haughtily, or as haughtily as one could when he was bare-assed in front of nearly the entire kingdom.

"I fear the Queen approaches," Emmett whispered into the Prince's ear as he took possession of his love once more. Using her as a shield, he anchored her in front of him as they awaited the appearance of his mother.

"Oh shite."

~#~

The Queen marched into the coliseum, and Emmett shrank back a step as her glare landed squarely on him. Edward stepped forward, ready to protect his squire, and the crowded arena fell silent.

"I cannot let you hurt—"

"Silence!" she shouted.

The Queen reached for Emmett, grabbed him around the neck, and crashed her mouth into his. Eyes wide, Emmett fumbled to return her hard kiss before she finally broke away. "No one has ever stood up to me like that. So fucking hot," she said before kissing him again.

"Fucking hell," Edward muttered. "No way I'm calling him Daddy."

~#~

"My queen, ye be a sexy wench, especially for my bestie's mother, and I'd sorely like another taste o' yer nectar."

"I'm gonna be ill," Edward wailed.

"Quiet, son. You're clearly getting your freak on. It's Mommy's turn now." She leaned in for another kiss, but Emmett placed his fingers to her lips.

"I desire ye mightily, Yer Highness, but I'll not lie with ya until ye've given the prince and his fiancée yer blessing."

The Queen eyed the handsome, burly squire before her. She'd married young for royal advantage, but the Prince's father was no dynamo in the sack.

~#~

"If it means I gain the rights to that mighty sword you possess," the Queen said as she eyed the bulge beneath the squire's tight breeches, "I will do as you ask."

Isabella threw her arms around the Prince's neck, baring her behind to all without embarrassment.

"Now that's a fine arse!"

Edward growled and reached down to cover his lady's derriere with his hands. "Look upon it again, and I'll send ye to the gallows."

"You are such a pain," Isabella teased as she pressed her lips to Edward's scruffy cheek.

"That's a royal pain to you, my love."

EPILOGUE

"You know you love it."

She looked up from beneath mascara-caked lashes at the man standing over her and smiled.

"Of course I do," she replied as she felt a pair of soft hands trail down her side.

"Yeah," he encouraged, as he watched the two women, unable to not stroke his painfully-hard dick, "tease her until she can't take it anymore."

Given the green light, the other girl grabbed her breasts, tweaking her nipples painfully.

"I can't wait to have both your mouths around my…"

"Edward! Turn off the damn video-on-demand and come to bed," Isabella scolded her prince.

::THE END::

Authors' Notes:

SHELL- I can't think of a better reason for the potatoes to write together again than to support Domie. She's one of my most favorite people and an epic momma. She deserves all the good things in life, and I hope this compilation helps ease some of her burdens. Thanks to the organizers for giving us all such a great outlet to help out Domie's family. As always, a huge thanks to Chaya for tidying up our words! Special thank you to LadyV for our banner!

KITKAT- Writing a hot potato with BornonHalloween and Shell Shock is always a pleasure. But when we can also help a fellow fandom member along the way...well that's a match made in heaven. Thanks for donating and I hope you enjoy!

BOH- When our sweet friend Domie shared her dire situation, we all wanted to contribute to the cause …but what to write for the girl who loves Twilight and OUAT and het and slash? All of it, of course! We hope you liked our crazy tale, Domie! We love you! Many thanks to Ladyeire for the gorgeous banner as well as Chayasara for foolishly bravely offering to beta this shizzle. I promise you the mistakes we left in here are ours alone. Much love to all who donated $$, words, pictures, or time to make this compilation a success. XXX