I started this ages ago but only just finished. Must I mention how much I wailed over Snape's depressing ending? ::Cries:: why, oh why couldn't JKR give the most brilliant character in Harry Potter a teeny bit of closure?
Warnings: Um… Sirius' potty mouth.
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It was over.
After years and years of pain and deceit, it was over. He would never have to lie again. He would never have to struggle to convince his allies he was an enemy and his enemies that he was an ally.
The life of a spy is very difficult. It takes talent; the ability to lie through your teeth, keeping your loyalties and your motives secret; strength of character, to keep to one side while working for both; courage, facing death every day.
All in all, Snape decided, choosing to be a spy was a foolish idea.
Yet he did not for once regret his decision. Redemption is hard to come by, especially for what he did. He chose the life of a spy because someone needed to, and his motives were strong enough to pull him through.
He lied through his teeth, telling himself that every lie was for her. He kept to one side while working for both knowing what side she had been on. He was brave, facing death knowing it could only lead him to her.
He didn't believe in redemption.
But spending 17 years in the company of a certain eccentric Gryffindor just may have given him a bit of hope. And as the war raged on, Snape fought on, his motive for going on clear; protect Harry Potter for her.
Harry Potter was alive. He defeated the Dark Lord. The war was over. And Snape's motive to go on dispersed. The boy – man – no longer needed protection. His goal was reached. And now he was dead.
Presently, Snape became aware of the fact that he was lying on a smooth surface. For a second, he thought that he was face down in the Shrieking Shack. Then he realized that the floor was not made of wood, therefore, he was somewhere else. The ground wasn't warm, but neither was it cold. It was, all in all, rather comfortable, and it was with great reluctance that he opened his eyes.
Sitting up, he looked around only to see… nothing. Everything around him was white, white for as long as the eye could see. All around, just white. Snape raised an eyebrow, wondering if it was white as well. He got to his feet.
Next, Snape decided to check and see if he had a voice. He cleared his throat. Ah, yes…good.
"Is this Hell?"
His voice rang out in the emptiness, and he had no idea why he was asking it aloud. Clearly no one was there.
"I don't think so, unless you are suggesting that I'm in Hell."
The familiar tone came from directly behind him. Snape whirled around quickly to meet the ever twinkling blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore. He was, Snape was glad to see, wearing blue robes, not white. He looked down and confirmed that he was still in his customary black.
"You mean to say that this is Heaven?" Snape asked skeptically.
Dumbledore spread his arms wide. "I see no raging fires and dark abysses, Severus, do you?"
Snape shook his head. "But I don't see much else either."
Dumbledore smiled his infuriating smile, which, oddly enough did not seem so infuriating now. "Not yet, of course, you only just got here. Soon, when you accept that you are indeed in Heaven, you shall start to see things. Come, walk with me."
Snape fell into step with the former headmaster, a calm and easy feeling settling in his heart.
"So, it's over?"
"My dear child, it shall never be over. The world and its adventures are endless, the story continues in death."
"And you are annoying even in death Dumbledore, you know what I meant."
And suddenly, Dumbledore was no longer smiling, but looking at his fellow headmaster seriously. "The war is, indeed, over. Harry triumphed over Voldemort, and you fulfilled your promise to protect Lily Evans' son. Yes, all that is over, yet for you, there is still one thing you mast do for it to be truly over."
"You speak in riddles, Dumbledore, what more could I possibly do in death?" Snape asked, bemused.
And Dumbledore's smile is back. "Oh, I'm sure you can figure it out. You're certainly a very capable wizard and I have faith in you."
The two had stopped walking, and while they were looking at each other, Dumbledore faded, leaving Snape alone. He stared at the spot where his companion had been seconds before, bewildered.
Behind him, there was a whoosh of wind. Snape straightened, but did not turn around. The whoosh came again, and than again. Slowly, he turned on the spot.
About 10 feet from him, two swings had materialized. A young girl was swinging in one of them, higher and higher, her deep red hair aloft in the wind. Snape watched with fascination as the girl swung so high she almost did a 360. The sight was familiar, and without knowing why, he found himself expecting her to jump out of the seat and fly safely to the ground.
But she did not jump. The girl started to slow down steadily, until she stopped moving completely. Then, she beckoned Snape over. Slowly, he made his way to her, and sat on the swing next to Lily.
She wasn't looking at him. She was staring at her bare feet, a small smile dancing on her lips. And after so long, after years of estrangement, of missing her and of wanting to apologize, Snape found that anything he said would have sounded ridiculous. So he waited for her to speak.
Several seconds later, she did.
"Remember in our 5th year, when Voldemort was really starting to get active? I got a letter that said he'd killed my parents along with a bunch of other muggle families? I couldn't stop crying for a week."
Snape didn't say anything. He remembered, alright. Nothing he said made her feel any better.
"After that, whenever I had free time I'd find myself thinking of all the things I'd tell them when I joined them in Heaven."
Lucky her. She never doubted she'd end up in Heaven.
"I spent so much time thinking about them and about what I would say and by the time I died I was pretty sure I had the entire speech down."
She started swinging slowly, but Snape did not. He merely stared at her, a part of him still not believing this was real.
"When I finally got here, I opened my mouth to start telling them how sorry I was they died, how much I loved them, but I couldn't. I knew they had been watching over me since the moment they passed on, and nothing I said could change anything. Words weren't necessary; we understood each other perfectly."
Lily turned to face Snape, a bright smile on her face, her green eyes shining brightly. "So you can start apologizing for sending Voldemort to us, and I can start apologizing for being the cause of so much of your pain. You can start thanking me for forgiving you, and I can start thanking you for protecting my son, but it would be rather pointless. After all, the very fact that you're in heaven means that you've redeemed yourself and that all is forgiven."
Snape realized that he wasn't breathing, and was surprised to find that it didn't matter. Several seconds passed in which he processed everything. "So, you've been watching me?"
"Of course! Everything you did to make it up to me," she said cheekily. "You've been surprisingly Gryffindor-ish."
Her smile was now teasing, and Snape felt his own face break into a smile. Everything – all the sleepless nights, all the refused meals, all the mistrust experienced over the years – seemed to fade into nothingness. It didn't matter anymore.
A smile of childish glee spread on Lily's face. "I practically called you a Gryffindor and you didn't explode! Did death screw your brain up, Sev?"
Snape laughed quietly, something he hadn't done in a long time. This was why he loved her: the quirky smile, the teasing insults... Even death did not mar her sense of humor.
Lily laughed with him, and suddenly sprang from the swing. "Come on! We've got one more thing to do and then your can 'rest in peace' with the rest of us!"
Snape felt his body stiffen. "Us?"
Lily was still smiling infuriately. "Of course! Me, James, Siri, Remmy, Reg, Fred, Moody… everyone!"
Snape's face hardened, and he made no move to follow Lily. Suddenly, it was like no time had passed at all, and he was the sneering Potions Master again annoyed at a stupid blunder Longbottom made. "Lily, you cannot possibly expect me to spend any more time than necessary with… them. I have no wish for company, least of all of that Potter." Snape spat the name venomously, eyes glittering with years of gathered malice.
"Oh Sev, don't be like that! Think about it! They've just found out that you were Dumbledore's most trusted and loyal ally. James has spent hours in front of the mirror practicing different ways to thank you and apologize without breaking down and hugging you, blubbering like a little girl. Reg can't wait to see his best friend again and Fred gets all googly-eyed at the mention of the coolest teacher and headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen! You can't spend eternity alone, Severus."
"Watch me!" Snape snarled.
Lily stamped her foot and Snape briefly thought how childish that was. "Dammit Sev! You've always been so stubborn! You are going to talk to them and then you will finally live happily ever after even if I have to force you to!" And with that, Lily popped out of view.
No sooner had she done so that someone spoke his name from behind him. The voice was as anciently familiar as Lily's. Snape turned around and rolled his eyes when they fell on Potter, Black and Lupin, standing sheepishly side by side.
"I may have to rethink my initial statement of not being in Hell…" he muttered darkly.
James and Sirius laughed and they each swung an arm around Snape's shoulders walking him farther into the white nothingness. Remus walked next to them, smiling like nothing in the world could make him happier than his two best friends getting chummy with his enemy.
Mean James and Sirius, Snape could deal with. Indifferent James and Sirius, that was okay too. But friendly James and Sirius was nothing short of terrifying. Suspicion immediately made Snape's instincts stand on edge. Were they planning something?
"So here I am floating around in the afterlife, pissed off that after surviving over a decade in Azkaban I was killed by a pair of curtains, when suddenly this crazy lug is smiling down at me," Sirius starts casually, gesturing toward James. "Several teary reunions later, he's telling me that a certain slimy Slytherin was busy being the bravest bastard ever, lying through his crooked teeth to Voldemort himself. Need I say I thought he was shitting me?"
"He didn't believe me, of course," James added, "until he saw you proving your loyalty by killing Dumbledore."
"Which still sounds twisted…"
Snape's opened his mouth to speak, perhaps to ask where they were going or perhaps to politely ask James and Sirius to get their hands off him but Remus spoke and Snape's eyes snapped onto him.
"Then I ended up here, and they explained things to me. Though I rather think I took things better than Sirius did," he added slyly.
"Probably," Sirius readily agreed. "He didn't try to re-kill James for trying to play such a sick joke on him like I did."
"If you're done telling me how hard it is to believe I have a shred of decency in me," Snape interrupted, "I would like to leave and never come back, if you please."
"Nah," James said, grinning at him, his face mere inches from Snape's own. "You're stuck with us for eternity. I know it's kind of weird right now, to think of spending eternity with your 'worst enemies' and all that, but you'll see, we're great guys."
Snape planted his feet firmly in the white ground, stopping the two men hanging from his shoulders. Fiercely, he slipped out from under their arms and stepped back, glaring at the three of them. Their faces had abruptly lost their merriness, eyes blank and emotionless.
"You think it's so easy, do you?" Snape hissed, drawing his black robes around him tightly. "Years of humiliation and hatred gone in a second, just because you want them to? I am not one of your precious fans who can't get enough of you. I am not Pettigrew who grovels at your feet and worships you, thinking that to be in your company is the greatest gift one could ever have!"
James glanced at his friends but said nothing, calmly giving Snape a chance to vent.
"All I've ever wanted since I met you on the Hogwarts Express so many years ago was to be rid of you! To never see the backs of you again. And even after you died," he glared at James, "I was never free from you. You were always there, whether in the form of your son or just lingering over my memories. And Lily – Lily –"
He broke off with an odd sound in the back of his throat and turned away. For the first time since coming to the afterlife he felt a dark feeling blooming in his chest. Hatred burned within him and it was painful – as though it were tearing him in half. The whiteness around him seemed to blur and turn a shade darker.
"Careful," James said, sounding suddenly nervous. "Calm down, Severus, if you led those feelings take over you –"
"Don't call me Severus!" he hissed, whirling around to face them again. His mind briefly registered that they too seemed to flash in and out of focus. "Why don't you call me Snivellus, like you always have? Just because you feel guilty that all these years I was protecting your son even after everything you did to me, just because you feel sorry for me that I'm in love with your wife –"
"I don't feel sorry for you, Severus, please calm down!" Sirius and Remus looked equally alarmed and they were staring at him as though they were losing him. And oddly enough, Snape realized that they were. He couldn't stay in this pure place with the thoughts of hatred running through his mind. He knew his soul was fading, going to a darker place. And he didn't care.
"Gloat if you must Potter," he snarled. "But I don't need your pity! I –"
Suddenly Sirius was right in front of him, hands fisted in his robes and frowning down at him. His face flickered in and out of sight, but the hands were firm.
"You're fading Snape. So don't listen to us if you want to spend eternity in pain and fire, not knowing who you are. Is that what you want? You don't want peace for yourself, even now? Snape!"
Snape was breathing hard, but Sirius' words made it to him. No, no, he didn't want to live in eternal damnation. He wanted to finally feel like he could breathe, with no more lies leading his life, no more dark thoughts plaguing his mind…
"Tell me you still love Lily like you always have!" Sirius demanded, catching his eyes. "Tell me nothing has changed with death, that you love her more than you love anyone else, that you feel differently about her than you do about anyone. Tell me you care about her more than you care about Dumbledore, or even Harry."
He tried. He tried to recall the love he felt for Lily, and it was there, as strong as before, unchanged. Then he thought about his appreciation for Dumbledore, for offering him a chance at redemption and as much a paternal figure he'd ever had. Those feelings hadn't changed at all. Then he thought about Harry, Harry with his mother's beautiful eyes and his father's infuriating face. Harry whom he'd fought for all those long years. The grudging respect was still there, unchanged. But somehow, though nothing had changed, everything had. Lily, Dumbledore, Harry… he cared about each of them the same. Suddenly, if asked who he'd save from a raging fire, he couldn't decide.
Then the image of Lily's eyes faded and Snape was staring into Sirius' hard face that slid back into focus. The gray around him turned back to bright white.
Sirius let his hands slip from Snape's clothes. "Okay?" he asked.
"Yea," Snape muttered. Then he turned questioning eyes to Remus, who shrugged.
"This is Heaven, Severus," he explained softly. "The impossible can happen here. You never have to worry about degrees of affection here. Those whom you love, you love perfectly equally."
"Lily loves you as much as she loves me," James added. "And as much as it may gall you to hear this, I love you just as much as I love her."
Snape pulled a face. "That sounds like a bad threesome pick-up line."
Sirius snorted. "Tell me about it. When I first came here and he decided to hold my hand I was starting to wonder if there was something he hadn't told me. Hang around here for a while and it'll make sense."
"So I guess all that's left is for me – us – to apologize," James said. "So, I'm sorry."
Remus and Sirius echoed the feeling, and James grinned at Snape expectantly. "So what do you say? Forgive us?"
Snape opened his mouth to say no, to tell them there was nothing they could ever do to make up for what they did. It was their fault he'd been an awkward, friendless child. It was their taunts that led him to Voldemort, their cruel laughter echoing through his mind and telling him he was worthless.
But slowly those feelings of resent slid away like water over rocks. It was like watching things happen in another world, another life. None of it mattered. With each passing second, another taunt fell away from him, unburdening him. He wondered how he'd ever hated them.
"Alright," he muttered, looking at the white ground, where, oddly enough blades of green grass seemed to be growing under his feet, and then James was embracing him like a long-lost brother.
The instincts that would have once made Severus draw away instantly from the contact were gone, and a feeling of freedom settled in him as he clung to the back of James' shirt.
When they released each other, Sirius clapped him on the back. "See that?" he asked, pointing in the direction in which they'd been walking earlier.
"Yes," Severus said, and was surprised to see that it was true. The white emptiness slowly formed the outline of a clear blue lake at the bottom of a hill on which they were standing.
"See you there," Sirius said, and before Severus could do anything, they shoved him and sent him tumbling down the slope of the hill.
Fucking bastards! he thought, at the same time marveling that he couldn't feel any pain as he fell and hit the water.
The blear blue lake was deeper than he'd thought; he couldn't reach the bottom with his feet. He broke to the surface, treading water and wiping dark hair from his face. He took a quick breath before Remus jumped in the laughing and dragged him underwater again.
After a long scuffle, they both dragged themselves out of the lake, laughing breathlessly. Out of nowhere, Lily swept in, all red hair and sweet laughter, and sat in Severus' lap. James plopped down next to them and grinned down at Sirius as he lay with his head in his lap. Remus remained standing and gestured at the crowd of people who had also come out of nowhere.
Fred was there, and for once Severus didn't see double though his twin's presence was still there. Regulus was there, welcoming a fellow disingenuous Death Eater and laughing with his brother as if nothing had ever separated them. Moody was there too, as was Tonks with her familiar pink hair. Snape raised an eyebrow as he spotted Dumbledore holding hands with a wizard he'd only ever seen in pictures: Grindelwald. For some reason, Potter's white owl was flying around all their heads too, hooting happily.
The noise of all those people talking at once was infernal.
Severus found he didn't mind it all that much.
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::claps and points:: Look! Dumbledore and Grindelwald! It's cannon! Yay!
I took some liberty calling it Heaven and Hell. I'm pretty sure that the way it was presented in the books, they're both in one big place called the Afterlife, though.
::Grumble:: JKR left so many characters without closure. I need to do something for Fred ::sniff::
Was it terribly OOC? Keeping in mind that in Heaven some feelings fade…
Review?