Road To Recovery

This season 8 premiere has to be the most depressing premiere I've ever seen. I felt pity for Meredith. Even though there is no doubt that what she did was wrong….but I do feel that Derek is being too unforgiving. Com'on….marriage vows, Derek! Meredith lost practically everything in this episode- her job, Derek and Zola…

This one-shot will be from Meredith's Point of View. This is more of what is going through Meredith's mind- and what happens after this episode. More of a healing fic, I hope. Enjoy!

I walk down the hospital corridors dejectedly, with my head bowing down low. I feel as if the entire universe has ganged up against me. I feel as if a rug had been pulled away abruptly from beneath my feet. In just a matter of one day- everything that I loved and had lived and breathed for had been taken away from me- one by one.

Derek. Who had been so adamant about keeping our post-it vows. No running, and standing by each other no matter what. But now, he is looking at me as I'm a criminal that had escaped from jail and someone he didn't want anything to do with. So much for giving me false hope in front of the social worker.

Zola. Before she came into our lives- I never thought that I could become a mother. I mean, we have been trying for a baby for several months- but she arrived just like that. Thrust into our hands , not accompanied by any baby manual of any sort. What made it worse was that Derek wasn't even there the day I brought her home. So I had to learn parenting from scratch all by myself- changing diapers, preparing the formula, waking up for middle of the night feeds, giving her a bath… It was after the first night was over that I realize how much I love her and would do anything for her. It was like my motherly instinct developed just overnight. And now, just when I've started a wonderful mother-daughter bond with her, she had to be taken away from me just like that.

My job. It is my life…the thing that I live and breathe for. The thing that keeps me going daily, when I have nothing else to live for. Being able to operate on patients to save their lives on a daily basis. Now that has been taken away from me too. I thought I heard Derek saying that I am not being fired after all- but I can't be too sure…

The words 'You're Fired' penetrate deep into my heart, deeper than a knife stab or a bullet wound.

Now, I've nothing left. Absolutely nothing. All just because I was doing a favour for the Chief's wife. What a price to pay. Now in retrospect, had I known all this was going to happen, would I have done it? But it's too late now- all this has happened and I can't turn back time.

I find myself wishing that the sinkhole at the road which had caused multiple casualties today could've swallowed me up instead of all these innocent people.

I felt strong arms wrap around my back. I wish at the back of my mind that it is Derek- but I know it isn't. It has to be Alex. I bow my head down as I slowly walk out of the hospital grounds, trying to ignore the nurses staring at us and whispering to each other. Oh yes, I can picture what they are talking about.

' That's Meredith Grey- the resident who singlehandedly ruined the reputation of this hospital by tempering with the trial. Now, she's fired…serves her right.'

We finally reach outside the building, and I inhale a breath of fresh air.

'Want me to drive you home?' Alex asks.

I feel like screaming at him for causing me all this damage- but I just nod. I'm too tired to argue. At this point, all I want to do is to curl up in bed and sleep it off, pretending that it was just a nightmare. Then maybe it would all go away.

We remain silent on the entire ride home. I don't know what to say to him, and he doesn't know what to say to me either. I just hope that he's finally feeling guilty about the whole thing. It's his fault after all. Had he not blurted out to Owen, all this might not have happened.

He pulls up at a Mcdonald's drivethrough. 'I figured you're hungry' he says.

'Alex, why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?' I ask. He parks the car at glares at me, as if offended by my question.

' You mean I can't be nice to you?'

'Alex- you can be a jerk at times. Then at other times you turn into a gentleman, Why?'

There was a pause before he answers ' I'm so sorry Meredith. Had I known this would happen, I certainly wouldn't have blurted out anything to Owen.'

' It's too late now, Alex. Now, I have nothing left. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Are you happy now?'

He winced, but didn't answer.

' I want to hit and punch you and dislocate your shoulder. But I am too tired to do that.' I say.

'Instead I'm just going to let you buy me a meal.'

Soon the aroma of McDonald's fills the car. I hadn't realized that I've been starving until now. As I take a bite of my chicken burger, suddenly tears roll down my eyes.

Alex looks at me and decides to stop the car engine again. He puts his arms around me.

' If you want to cry, go ahead and cry. I know you'd had a crappy day. It's ok to cry once in a while. Heck, even I do that too.'

Just then, the events of the day suddenly catch up to me. Before I know it, I am sobbing uncontrollably, and Alex is trying to comfort me.

'Gosh, I'm such a mess, look at me!' I sob….'I don't' have a job, I don't have a husband anymore, I don't have children...I am going to die lonely and jobless.'

' No- you're not.' He says. 'You're Meredith Grey. You're going to overcome this- like you've overcome everything else.'

Somehow, I don't think that this is something I will ever recover from, but I'm too exhausted to answer him.

Now at home and fed and showered, I am eating chocolate icecream and sitted in front of the TV, staring at it blindly. Now, I'm beginning to feel numb. I've cried all my sorrow out in Alex's car, there are no more tears to shed. I don't feel up to going to Joe's- everyone will stare at me. Furthermore, my tequila days are gone. I still don't know what I'm going to do next. Apply to Mass Gen maybe? But with my tarred image, will they accept me? Will I ever get a job anymore? And will Derek ever return home? Or is this really over between us? I really don't know the answer to all these questions, and I dread to think about them.

The doorbell rings. I jump up hoping against hope that it is Derek. But of course it isn't.

Cristina comes in with a bag full of potato chips.

'I know you like munching on these when you're upset..' she says..

I smile wearily at her. At least I still have my person.

' So- what are you gonna do now?' she asks.

'I don't know, Cristina, I honestly don't. Maybe I'll apply to Mass Gen….maybe I'll apply to Mount Sinai…..but I doubt that they'll accept me…. I think I'm going to turn into one of those useless pathetic creatures who waste away at home…'

She suddenly gave me a hard pinch on my arm.

'Owww…..what was that for?'

' To wake you up. You, Meredith Grey- are not going to waste away at home. You're going to get your job back. And you're going to get Zola back. I am your person. I know you. You are not a quitter!'

'But I…'

'Meredith- I went through with the abortion today. Owen was with me throughout the entire procedure. I still have slight contraction pains now. And I do miss seeing the baby on the sonogram. But you know what? This is the decision I've made and I went through with it. I'm not going to live my life with regrets or 'what if'. I know myself, I know deep in my heart that I would never be able to love and nurture a child. I don't want my child to grow up without a mother's love.'

'So it's the same to you. You know deep down that you did what you had to do. You tried to help Adele. You got caught. But you know your intentions were good. You tempered with the trial because you wanted to cure the Chief's wife. That was the decision you made and you have to live with the consequences.'

'What are you trying to imply?'

' I'm just saying that – we make decisions, some bad, some good. We have to live with the consequences of our decisions. When we make bad ones- we learn from them. They'll teach us to be stronger and better.'

' I made a bad decision, Cristina.'

'We all do. That's what makes us human.'

I reach out for another pile of chips, feeling better already.

'Derek doesn't want to look at me'

'He'll come around. They all do. Trust me.'

I make a call to Derek's handphone. As expected, he wasn't answering and it went into voicemail.

'Derek- it's Meredith. I just….want you to know that I love you and I'm terribly sorry for what I did….please come home, Derek. I need you…' I say in a shaky voice.

'Do you think he'll call back?' I ask Cristina who is still eating potato chips on the couch.

She shrugs. 'If he truly loves you, he will…'

To tell the truth, I am beginning to doubt his feelings for me.

' Maybe he doesn't love me anymore….' I sigh.

'Stand up' says Cristina.

'Huh? Why?'

' I said stand up!'

Puzzled, I do as instructed.

She begins to shake me hard, which takes me by shock.

' Derek will come back in his own time. Do you hear me? Now, stop whining like a child and finish these chips already!'

The bag of chips were finished, and the crappy chick flick on the TV was about to end.

I hear a car pull out on the driveway. I try not to get my hopes up again. It may very well be Lexie or Jackson or April coming back from a night shift.

The door opens and I smell the familiar after shave scent he always uses

' Uhh…I gotta go now' says Cristina quickly excusing herself, but not before giving me a quick look as if to say 'I told you so.'

He slowly walks into the living room.

'You're finally back.' I say flatly, not looking at him.

'Well, I received your message' he says coldly. 'What's up?'

I swallow the lump in my throat as I finally stand and look at him in the eye.

'What's up? You know what's up, Derek? You've been ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder for the past 2 weeks. You promised me, Derek. You promised me that you'll stand by me through thick and thin, and no running, no matter what….what happened to the vows, Derek? Did they just fly away together with the post its? I'm your wife, Derek. I know that I made a horrible mistake, I admit….but please….please don't treat me like that…'

' You tempered with my trial, which ruined the reputation of the entire hospital. Then you ran away with Zola, which caused them to take her away…'

' No, Derek! They took her away because of the inconsistencies in our stories! You have been avoiding me like a plaque for the past week- how am I supposed to discuss about her care with you? You don't think they would suspect that something was up with the way you were treating me?'

' I treated you badly? Have you taught about the way you treated me when you decided to mess with my trial?'

'Oh my God, Derek….why does every single thing have to be about you? YOUR trial, YOUR baby, YOUR job… Do you know that I've lost everything today? I lost my job, I got fired. Zola was my baby too, they took her away from me. I have been singlehandedly raising her for the past 2 weeks, where were you? And now I've lost you too….' My voice is shaking…' Now you're all I have left, please, don't let me lose you….'

I can see a glimpse of his features softening. But soon it's gone again. I really don't know where the Derek I had fallen in love with and married had gone.

'Derek, please don't do this to me. I know I did a very terrible thing. But now I'm being punished enough already ok? I learnt my lesson. Now if you could just forgive me…'

I feel tears burning my eyes, but I blink them back, not wanting to break down in front of him.

Finally, he says ' You didn't lose your job. I thought I told you earlier on, Dr. Webber took all the blame for you. He stepped down as Chief today. Weren't you listening when I told you that?'

'Also, weren't you listening when the social worker said that they were taking Zola back with them until everything has settled between us? We still can get her back.'

'Yeah- we'll be able to get her back- if we can get back together' I say bitterly. 'Which is obviously not happening anything soon…'

'Ok' Derek says, in softer but still cold tone. 'I forgive you. I admit I can't totally forgive what you did, and I still think that what you did was wrong, but I forgive you as my wife.'

' Ok then' I say.

He then walks towards the bedroom.

I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same again, but at least things are starting to look up already.

Ok, I hope you like my version…..and I hope this has served it's purpose as a healing fic : )