Disclamer: i dont own anything that you recognise... which i wish i did but...
Hope you like it. R+R at the end but no flames.
After six hours in the waiting room with her parents, Luke's mom, Nancy, Frank and Solena, I had woken with a jolt. I hadn't thought I had fallen asleep but when the phone rang and the attendant came to us saying that Luke was in recovery, I felt relieved at the thought.
Soon afterwards we were told that, since a transplant donor had been found, instead of going to a regular room to recover, he would go straight to the ICU. There, he would be allowed to be visited by anyone he wished to see until he was strong enough to go through the transplant surgery. At that point, it would only be his direct family.
"Wait doc," I said. Will that mean that I won't be able to see him?"
"Well it depends," was his reply. "Mainly how he is feeling and what he wants. I have heard that you are real close and you care for him a lot. How's this sound? When we hit that point, I'll ask Luke what he wants as long as you don't pressure him into wanting you there but I still make the final call. Sound good?"
"Sure doc, it sounds fine. And I won't pressure him. I promise."
After an hour, when we got to see him, I knew that I would keep that promise. I didn't want to be away from him if I didn't have to. Plus, he had the right to decide.
Nancy was allowed to see Luke first and, although I wanted to see him so badly, I knew that it was her right.
10 minutes later, she came out and the rest of us went in with her. I was shocked at what I saw. He was attached to an IV and a heart monitor. I was about to cry until I found that it was regular procedure considering what he had gone through. He was sitting up in bed and greeted people as they came in. After the formalities, Luke did something he had rarely done before. He asked to speak to Frank and Solena without me. Normally it had always been us as a 4-some.
I don't know exactly what he said but it must have been important since when the rest of us were called back, the 3 of them seemed somber… or at least more so than earlier. I wasn't sure how but I made up my mind that I would ask about it later… not that I was sure I wanted to hear it.
Finally, everyone left leaving Luke and me alone. My parents drove Frank and Solena home and Nancy decided that she would go get something to eat since it was near 6pm. Frank had left his car for me to drive so that Luke and I could spend some time together which was greatly appreciated.
When we were finally alone, I sat on his bed and gave him a giant hug and kiss but all the while watching that I didn't hurt him by leaving on him too hard.
"I was so worried this morning. I am not sure what I would have done if I had lost you. I am SO glad that you are ok."
"Well, the battle isn't over yet. I still have the transplant and a long road to recovery but I won't go out without a fight."
"Well, you never were one to loose a fight. Not if you could help it at least."
"Ya know, you're right about that. With this, though, I'm just not sure who is in control. Julie, I know the thought is depressing but please don't look at me like that. I need to talk to someone about my fears. Like trust me, I won't leave you alone if I have any say in the matter but please, I'd rather talk to you about it then someone I don't know."
"I know Luke. I just love you and having you near me means everything to me." I said as I snuggle closer to his body, making sure that I don't hurt him. I was a great feeling just to be able to stay there with him however I didn't voice my pleasure. I didn't need to.
A while later, I decided to ask him what had been on my mind for a good part of the afternoon, what had he said to Frank and Solena?
"Well, I can give you the answer one of two ways. Do you want it straight of beating around the bush?"
"Luke! How long have you known me? Give me things straight. You know that is how I prefer things."
"OK. Well, I asked them to keep an eye on you. No it's not cuz I think that you won't be ok or cuz I think that you might go out with someone else. The fact of the matter is that I will be going through hell and yes I know that you will insist on going through this with me but to see me in whatever state, I wanted to know that you would have someone to fall back on. During my chemo, you rarely did anything. This time I want you to have fun, go out with Frank and Solena."
"But how can I go out with then knowing that you are here? I do want to have fun but I won't. Plus, I would love to stay with you as long as I can. I love you Luke. I couldn't have fun if I knew that you were here and couldn't have fun with me. It's not fair!"
"Life isn't fair. Trust me I know. But I don't want you to hang around like this was a bedside vigil. I wouldn't be able to stand it. It's you senior year. Have fun! I'm not saying that you need to go out with someone else. I'm saying that you should not give up on your own life for my sake. Please! Promise me."
"I can't. Fun just isn't fun without you. I will feel so bad doing that. Don't ask me to."
"I have to. Plus, if you have fun you can come back and tell me what you guys have been doing and so I can live kind of through you. PLEASE!" He had this look in his eyes that was somewhere between pleading and hope. It was a look I couldn't say no to if I tried.
"OK. I don't have much of a choice anyway do I?"
"Nope… well kind of but not really. Just come here. I want to hold you as close to me as possible right now. I don't know what I would do without you."
I curled up in his arms and didn't want to move. When the nurse came in at 8 to kick me out, I didn't want to leave but I had no choice. I went home, got something to eat and fell on my bed crying. How could this happen?