AFTERMATH.
BY PHOENIX FURY
DISCLAIMER: I SAY THIS ONLY ONCE SO LISTEN UP! I do not own any of the characters, they belong TPTB. I'm merely borrowing them.
Buffy sat looking at the crater that used to be Sunnydale.
She had stopped The First but who knows for how long since the First could not be stopped completely.
The crater was where she'd spent the last seven years. It was the place she had called home. And now it was a hole in the ground. Her house was gone. The high school was gone, again. The cemetery where her mother was buried, where she had been buried was gone as well.
It was all gone.
Buffy felt battered and bruised, dirty and so tired.
So very tired.
Luckily the buses Robin had lent them were stocked with everything they needed; food, camping equipment, books, magical items and ingredients, weapons, important paperwork, first aid kits.
So they quickly had set up camp and were now relaxing around the fire as the sun set. Buffy had wandered away, to think to look at what had been her life.
She looked over her shoulder to her so called friends. Her so called family.
Just three days ago they told her they didn't trust her judgement. They kicked her out of her own home.
Now they pretended it hadn't happened. That they hadn't betrayed her. That they didn't trust her.
They just swept it under the rug and ignored it. Just like when they had dragged her back to the world of the living.
In the past she had let them run her life. Tell her how to date, how to live, how to raise her sister. It was like they told her to jump and she asked how high.
But she was so tired of it. So very tired of it.
She felt herself changing.
As the spell swept over the Potential Slayers turning them into full Slayers Buffy felt like something had gone through her. She felt stronger, faster, filled with pure power. But the spell had only meant to affect the Potentials.
And she was sure she had heard the First Slayer. It had been a whisper but she had heard it.
"You are the Chosen One."
She knew the former Potentials hadn't heard the whisper since they were now sitting around the campfire going on about how they felt and how they fought and not one of them had mentioned the whisper.
Though if she was honest, ever since she had clawed herself out of her grave she had felt different.
Her senses were stronger, sight, sound, taste, her inner sense that helped her sense Vampires. At first she thought it was just her body adjusting to being alive but they didn't settle back to normal. She was also faster and stronger then before and more agile.
She had come back different.
Every time Willow used magic Buffy felt a tingle on the senses. She could actually sense Willow using magic.
Buffy had found some of Willow's book from when she had first started using magic and letting curiously get the better of her had tried a few spells out. And they had worked perfectly first time out.
Buffy shivered.
It had creeped her out.
She had seen Willow and what magic had done to her and wanted nothing to do with it. At least that's what she told herself.
'Then why did you test out those spells?' A little voice whispered.
Buffy shook her head trying to rid her head of thoughts and looked for Dawn. The sister she wasn't supposed to have. Buffy from her research into the Slayers had never found one with a sibling but it never clicked until she found out what and who Dawn was how strange it was that she had one.
She smiled as she saw the girl with others her age. For once feeling like a normal girl, talking about clothes and boys and not having to watch what you say about your secret life.
Buffy had lost that the day Merrick came to her.
Ever since she had died she had begun to have two sets of memories. The real ones where Dawn hadn't existed. And the fake ones the monks had implanted so she would protect the Key from Glory.
Looking at her made her think of her mother who unlike Buffy Dawn actually looked like.
She had thought with her mother knowing who she was it would be easier and in way it had been. No more lies and bad excuses but... When her mother had been under a spell and lumping her along with what was wrong with Sunnydale and saying how she wanted a normal daughter and instead she got a Slayer. And then seeing her with Dawn and seeing how close they were and knowing Dawn wasn't even real. And then when she had been sick Buffy had to be the strong adult while Dawn was the one who was protected and comforted.
Buffy almost laughed at herself as she looked back to the crater. She was jealous of Dawn, she really was her little sister no matter how she came to be.
Dawn wanted to be a Watcher and Buffy just wanted her sister to have a normal life. To be safe. Buffy honestly didn't think Dawn had what it took. A Watcher needed not only to be smart but able to make the decisions. Dawn never thought things through she jumped in without thinking and expected Buffy to pick up the pieces when things went wrong.
She felt Willow's presence come closer to her. The scent of sandalwood that surrounded her drifted on the breeze. "Buffy, I'm gonna let Angel know we survived." Willow said coming towards her.
Buffy nodded.
Willow smiled at her and then wandered off trying to get mobile reception.
Buffy sighed.
Angel.
When they had met up after her coming back from the dead she had never told him she remembered the day that was erased. The perfect day. Where he was human and they could love each other without fear.
Instead she confessed to him where she had been. But he had known. The connection between them was still as strong as ever even in death. He had confessed to her about sleeping with Darla seeking to find freedom from his soul but only finding despair. She could not blame him. She had understood after she had started ... whatever she had with Spike.
For one night Angel had held her as she cried, he comforted her as best he good and before dawn they parted as they always did. Feeling the need to stay together but knowing they had to part, they walked away from each other.
She tilted her head back and looked up at the setting sky the orange and gold were fading to pink and then blue and purple.
So much had happened since coming back from the grave. Her friends had brought her back thinking she needed to be rescued from a Hell dimension. Because they needed her.
But when she came back she hadn't been needed. Dawn had just been coming to terms with her death when she came back so she would have been alright just like she had known she would be when she chose to save the world.
Sunnydale wasn't in the best of states but they could have gotten Faith released like they had for the war with The First. And Willow had been strong enough to summon her soul back to her body so she could have used her power to protect Sunnydale.
Bringing her back had upset the balance and helped the First return.
But she was back so she had no choice but to cope with it. She had tried so hard to live.
She had pretended to be grateful that her friends had 'saved' her. Pretended she was happy and glad to be alive. She slayed during the night so she didn't have to sleep. She had worked whatever job she could during the day.
But it had been hard.
So hard to live.
Buffy ran her hands through her hair holding it back from her face.
Then she had gotten with Spike. She had wanted to feel something, anything. Weather it be pain or lust. Something. Anything.
And Spike had given her that.
And when she tried to stop it he had tried to rape her and then run off when Willow went all dark and twisty. Tara died and Buffy nearly died again.
Spike had left to get his soul. Fought for it. For her. He had become her friend. But like Riley he wanted what she couldn't, wouldn't give. But he continued to support her when her friends abandoned her. When he had died she had told him she loved him. She hadn't been lying. She did love him but not the way he wanted. He was her friend, someone she could depend on.
He died a Champion and Buffy knew Champions went to heaven. Because by fighting by her side he had most likely paid his dues though she doubted he cared. Unlike Angel, Spike had never cared about his past or the things he had done even with his soul. Maybe that was because Angel's soul was a curse to make him suffer while Spike had sought his out. Fought for it. Wherever he was she hoped he was at peace. That he was happy.
Buffy closed her eyes briefly. So many things had changed. She had changed.
Faith back and seemed to have changed. At that moment she was sitting beside Robin keeping an eye on him. Buffy smiled, it was nice to see Faith falling for someone, Robin would be good for her. When she had been put in charge she realized how lonely and how hard it was to be Buffy. They had a mutual respect, maybe one day they would be as close as they had been so long ago.
It wasn't just Buffy or Faith that had changed. They all had changed. When she looked at her friends she saw people she didn't know.
Xander had steadily grown further and further away from her since, because of her, Angelus had turned. He didn't understand how she couldn't kill him and why she had had run away. He had never understood how she felt, he never understood how she could feel anything for Angel.
Xander had judged her relationship with Riley, it had felt like he was saying it was all her fault it had ended. Though he didn't know about Riley being a blood donor. Xander and Willow had pushed her to Riley both intent on her with someone who wasn't Angel.
Willow's bringing her back from dead for no reason she could see except wanting to show she could and get recognition. And then not to mention trying to mess with her memories and then getting Dawn hurt. Then going dark and twisty black Willow when she lost Tara.
Even Giles seemed like a stranger. He never seemed to have forgiven her for not killing Angelus before he killed Jenny or for keeping his return a secret. He had made her helpless on her eighteenth birthday and she had never forgotten or forgiven him for it thought she made a good job pretending. He had nearly killed Spike when they had needed him most and considering he had gone on to save them… She sighed.
When they had kicked her out and made Faith, who they hated, the leader. Not one of them had backed her up. It seemed no matter how many times she saved their lives, saved the world no matter the cost to her, it would never be good enough.
There would always be something she had done wrong.
She had never felt more alone then when she had walked out that house except when she had left Sunnydale after killing Angel.
Angel… there he was again.
The man she loved. The man she had killed. The man she had nearly died for. The man who walked away from her.
God she had loved Angel so much. Even when he had lost his soul and was Angelus, a demon controlling the body and mind of her angelic faced lover she had still loved him.
And it had destroyed her when she had to kill him to save the world and then again when he left. She had given everything she was to Angel and when Riley came along she simply had nothing to give and nor did she want to. Because she had learned letting people into her heart gave them the power to hurt you, to rip your heart from your chest rip it up into tiny pieces and then stomp them before they left. Her dad had done it, and then Angel, Riley and Giles only reinforced it when they left.
She hadn't wanted to go through that again. She had wanted the pain to stop and the pain would only stop when she moved on so she tried to force it. She had used Parker as much as he had used her to get over Angel though she hadn't realized that till afterwards.
She hadn't done it on purpose but looking back she knew she had, though unconsciously, made the decision not to get hurt like that again.
Riley had loved her so much. He had wanted what she couldn't give.
So Riley had always been on the outside looking in. Riley was nice… He hadn't made her heart stop when she saw him or go all tingly or her knees go weak. He had never set the world on fire like Angel had done for her. Maybe that was why she stayed with him so long, he was the opposite of Angel. She didn't think he would leave and if he didn't make her feel as much it would hurt less if he did leave. But she had made herself believe she was happy, that it was what she wanted.
Great theory but hadn't worked.
Riley left, Riley knew that though she cared she hadn't been in love with him. She was unable to give him what he not only wanted but deserved. She had wanted so much to be what he wanted and to have something normal but it just never worked. He was a good, kind, gentle guy and he deserved someone who could love him with everything they were and she couldn't do that, not then.
But by the point he left what they had couldn't be fixed. He wanted her to change, couldn't accept her being the Slayer, being stronger than him. He could not accept her loving Angel, and like Xander could not accept that she did not kill him or Spike and treated Spike like a man instead of a monster. He was insecure about his place in her Slayer life as well as her normal one. She couldn't have done anything about her Slayer life but she could have about her normal one. He couldn't accept her as she was, wanted her to change and she couldn't. So he left.
And maybe she could have overlooked going behind her back and letting a Vamp suck on him. But she knew no matter how much time passed she would never feel anything near what she had felt for Angel. And neither of them deserved for them to settle when someone out there could offer them more.
All she hoped was that he was happy with his new life and that he was careful.
So what about her?
She was no longer the girl Angel had met. She was no longer naïve and innocent. She no longer believed in fairy tale happy afters. She had finally accepted that she would never have a normal life unlike everyone else in her life who still believed she could be a slayer and live normally.
Her mum from the day she found out she was a Slayer till the day she died believed that. Buffy thought she properly needed to.
The thing was normal goes out the window as soon as you know about the things that go bump in the night. Normal is the belief that life will follow the rules, that it's predictable in a way. You'll graduate or you won't, depending on that you get what job. You'll meet someone, you'll get your heart broken unlucky ones do that more then once.
But when you know about the vamps and demons and the forces of darkness who start looking for it around the corner, you don't take life as much for granted as you know how quickly it could change.
Her friends could stop and settle down, they'd still know about the dark forces but they could walk away from this life, still date without wondering if they could accept your secret life, get a normal job without worrying about the hours cutting into patrol.
But for the Slayer. It wasn't a job, it wasn't something you could run or hide from. It really was destiny. Buffy had finally accepted that. In a way she had always known deep inside but hadn't wanted to accept it and fought hard against it.
After all if she didn't do it then someone else would have to and she wouldn't wish this life on anyone. The whole point of being the Slayer is so everyone else can have normal.
She glanced back at the new Slayers.
She felt sorry for them. They had no idea the price they had paid.
They had wanted to be Slayers. Buffy couldn't understand that. Who on Earth would want to be a Slayer? They had seen her life and they still wanted it.
The early expiration date, the never ending bad guys, Apocalypses, endless patrolling and little sleep, training day in and day out to stay ahead, to stay alive.
But unlike her they wouldn't be alone, they had each other. But they wouldn't be normal either. Everything they knew, were, was about to change.
She turned back to the crater.
Angel wanted her to have normal and she had tried it. She'd had the picnics during the day, the sleeping with someone without losing their soul and trying to kill you. Though it had been nice it hadn't been earth shattering. She'd been satisfied and content but she hadn't actually been blissfully happy like she had when she had been with Angel. But she was older and she wanted more then kissing for the rest of her life. She wanted to be close to someone, she wanted them to want her and her to want someone.
Angel and her would always have a connection. After all he had taken her blood, they shared dreams when they were asleep at the same time though that had nearly stopped. They did not call one another, they did not write, and if his friends were anything like hers no one talked about her to him. It was too painful, the pain still too fresh and raw. Buffy figured it always would be. They hadn't ended it because they didn't love each other. It had ended because they loved each other too much. The irony in that was not lost on her.
He left because he couldn't stay and not be with her. It had taken her a long time to figure that out. She would have died for him, she nearly had by giving him her blood so he would live, but she knew he would have died for her.
Maybe Spike had been right about Slayers having a death wish. She had died twice already and come close twice more, the night she took it upon herself to offer Angel the anecdote for the poison running through his system killing him. And the day Tara died and Willow saved her.
The only problem was no one would let her die. So whether she had a death wish or not it did not seem to matter. At the rate she was going, she would live forever.
She shivered at the thought.
She rubbed her eyes.
She seemed to be going around circles… but no answers.
She had to believe everything she went through was for a reason or what was the point. Weather you saw the reason or not, liked it or not. It had to be better then being pointless.
What did she do now?
She had several new Slayers and no where to put them. No home. Dawn still needed to go to school. The list was endless.
God she was so tired. So very tired.
Why couldn't she rest? Why couldn't she find a moment of peace?
When would it end?
THE END.