A/N: Song belongs to The All-American Rejects.
Murder. Blood. Psychopaths. Serial rapists and serial killers. That was just a glimpse of what Spencer had to deal with almost every single day. But no amount of training, no amount of criminal studies, would brace him for the scene that was beheld before him.
"Are you okay?" Spencer turned to see his mentor standing behind him, wearing his usual frown. That was the one thing that had always bothered Spencer. He understood why Jason never smiled at crime scenes, but he didn't even smile when the BAU would go out, whenever he was having a personal conversation with somebody, never smiled. At least, not that Spencer had ever seen.
"Yeah," Spencer lied to Jason. "I'm fine."
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all
"If you need some time off..."
"No. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to find the person that has done this." Gideon just nodded, heading back to the body spattered with blood. Tears started to fill up into his eyes. He had to fight back the tears. He couldn't let the one he loved see him cry. If only she knew...
"I'm so sorry." He turned, staring into the eyes of the one he had fallen in love with. Her response was hugging him as hard as she could.
"I promise we'll find whoever did this," she whispered in his ear.
"I know you will," he whispered back. The tears were coming back. He had to fight them back again.
"I miss her." The only words he managed to choke out.
"I know," she replied. "So do I."
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow
Spencer looked back at her. "You know you were always my best friend," he said.
"You were my best friend too," she replied. He had always found her beautiful. Had always loved it whenever he could look into her blue eyes. Always wanted to comb his fingers through her sandy blonde hair. Always wanted to be close to her. But she could never know.
"We'll find this son of a bitch," she told him. "He'll wish he never screwed with us." Spencer wanted to smile, but he felt like his mentor at the moment. Unwilling to smile. He started to wonder if he would ever be able to smile again.
"I'm weak," he spoke, his voice starting to crack. "Kate, I'm weak."
"No, you're not. You weren't weak when your father walked out on you. You weren't weak when you sent your mother to the hospital."
"You were always there besides me."
"You're strong Spencer, you hear me? You're strong."
"No, I'm not. I can't hold myself together."
"Spencer, I have known you since we were two-years-old. I know that you can hold yourself together. You are strong." He couldn't fight back anymore. He had let the tears won over, pouring them out.
"I think I should be alone for a few minutes," he said.
"Okay. I'll tell Gideon." Spencer ran out of the hospital, ready to pour all of his emotions out on the street.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight
It ends tonight
"Dammit!" He couldn't recall his own brain telling him to scream out the words. "Why? Why? Why? Good God, why her? Why her?" Fortunately for him, nobody was out on the sidewalk, but he could feel the people peering down on him through the windows, watching him screaming to the top of his lungs.
"Mommy." He was surprised. He had never called his own mother that. But then again, she would never hear him call her that again. She would never see him again.
"Mom, why did somebody have to kill you?"
A falling star
Least I fall alone
I can't explain what you can't explain
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
Spencer ran. He didn't know where he was running to, but he didn't really care. He just had to run away from the place that his dead mother was lying at. He couldn't stand the thought of people staring at her corpse, cutting her open...
He found himself in front of the hotel that the BAU were staying at. His own feet must have carried him there. And he knew exactly why.
Spencer couldn't remember ever actually moving his own feet when he was standing outside of the hotel, but he suddenly found himself in his own room. He found himself desperately digging through his bag, when he found what he wanted.
He pulled out the drugs and the needles, desperate to have the slightest memory of his mother.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow
"I got you!"
"Okay, okay, you got me. Now get off of me!"
"Say the words!"
"No!"
"Say it!"
"All right! You're stronger than me!" Kate jumped off of Spencer, laughing as hard as she could.
"Look at you!" she announced, smiling in her friend's face.
"I'm a genius," he said. "Not a professional wrestler!" He smiled, helping himself up. He looked over, watching his mother sitting on the stone bench.
"She'll be okay," Kate said, basically reading the mind of her friend.
"I know," he said. "The doctors here are good. It's just the fact that I forced her here." She placed her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it to let him know that she was there.
"You did the right thing," she reassured him. "And you didn't force her. You were eighteen. She needed to come here."
"But why do I feel so guilty?"
"Probably because she's your mother." He smirked, playfully pushing Kate to the side.
"You want to talk to her?" she asked.
"Yeah." The two walked to Diana. She looked at her son and smiled.
"I heard you two," she said, the smile never leaving her face.
"We were just having a little fun," her sun replied.
"You made a good choice."
"Which choice was that?"
"When you decided to marry Kate." Spencer looked up at his friend, trying to think of something. He couldn't just tell his mother that he had never married. He couldn't tell her that he had never even had a girlfriend.
"Yeah," he lied. "I did."
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight
It ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends
"Spencer!" He could hear the angelic voice calling onto him. He tried to call back. The drugs had taken over. He couldn't speak.
"We need to get him to a hospital!" This time, the voice sounded different. He recognized it immediately recognized all of the familiar voices of not only Kate, but also Jason, Aaron, Derek, Emily, and J.J.
"Check his pulse!"
"Oh my god, are those needle marks?"
"What's this?"
"These are drugs!"
"Spencer?"
"I'm sorry." He had finally fought back against the drugs, realizing that his own mouth had spoken those last two words. His eyes flew open, staring into the blue eyes he immediately recognized as Kate's.
"I told you before," he whispered out. "I'm weak."
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight
It ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight
It ends tonight
Spencer found himself on top of a bed. He recognized immediately that he was in the hospital. And also recognized the figure asleep in a chair beside the bed. "Kate?"
She stirred, staring into his deep brown eyes and smiled, but the smile soon faded away. "Why?" she asked.
"Why what?"
"You know what I'm talking about." He stopped and pondered for a while, eventually coming up with the best answer he could think of.
"I don't know."
"You don't know? You don't know why you shot yourself up with drugs, putting not only your own life but the lives of your friends on the line? You don't know why you screwed with your own mind?"
"I'm weak."
"Stop saying that! Just stop! You're not weak. I'll ask you again, why did you become a drug addict?"
"They remind me of Mom." She stopped and looked at him, not with anger in her eyes, but rather sympathy.
"How did you get addicted?" she asked, the tears filling her eyes.
"When I was taken by Tobias. He gave me drugs to numb the pain. The drugs made me feel better, they reminded me of my mother." The tears, as they had before to Spencer, had won over on Kate, making her cry all over the place.
"I couldn't stand the thought of my mother being gone," he said. "I needed the drugs. To remind me of her. I had been away from her for so long, I forgot how much I had loved her. I even forgot how she always had a look of glee in her eyes whenever she saw me."
He could hear her hard breathing. "You have photographic memory. Why do you need drugs to remember your mother?"
"It was the precise memories I needed. Those memories were buried into the back of my mind, never coming out because I had to use my mind to solve these cases. The drugs brought the memories back to the front of my mind, if only for a little bit."
"Stop trying to make the drugs sound like they did justice to you."
"They didn't. I also needed the drugs to remember you."
"What?"
"I needed the memories of you. The memories of you as well. I have photographic memory, but the memories would always be pushed to the back of my mind. But the back of my mind would keep the memories of you there because, well, I guess there is no other way of saying this. I love you."
Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light
She started to cry loudly. "I can't do this," was her response.
"Kate..."
"No Spencer. I really can't. I'm so confused."
"Kate..."
"No, Spencer. I love you too."
"You what?"
"That's why I'm so confused. I have to go."
"Kate!" But she had already left the room. He sighed and looked to the ground.
"Her fiance's going to kill me," he whispered to himself.
It ends tonight
A/N: The drama! The suspense! Oh, my dedicated reader, the story will continue. And hopefully won't suck as much as I think it will be.