"Remus! Help me."
"What's wrong?"
"Transfiguration. Paper due tomorrow. Test the day after. I swear McGonagall's out to get me."
He smiled. "You need to start doing your homework, Evans."
x
"So how're you feeling, Remus?"
"Okay, I guess."
She examined him to see if he was telling the truth. Finding no playful accusations to throw at him, she asked "Do you ever remember what happens the morning after?" After receiving a confused look from him, not earnestly-confused though, "You know…after the full moon?"
He sighed, obviously unable to stall any longer. "Yes. Sometimes. I'd rather not though."
"Rather not remember, or talk of it?"
"Both…I guess. Remembering is worse though. But I guess in order to talk of it, I need to remember." Their eyes met for a brief moment, very brief. He was the one to break the contact. "Can we drop it?" He focused on the thick book in his hands.
"Oh Remus..." she said softly, "you're such a nice boy."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You're the last person who deserves to go through all this! And you're so young but forced to be so old. Your hair's graying at fourteen Remus…fourteen!"
"My hair's always been that way," he lied.
"But Remus…" She spoke as if she felt his pain. It was clear from her voice. This wasn't right, he thought, he was only making it worse.
"Let it go."
x
"Hey Remus. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Did you know," she started rather enthusiastically, "that you're the greatest friend I have, and the greatest person I know, all combined in one?" When she was done, she beamed at him like a girl of ten, at most, even though she was quite a bit older now.
"Thank you …I think," and Lupin added with a laugh, "but greatest person? What about Jimmy-boy though?"
"James is weird. James is funny…James is a git. Basically, James is James. And besides, he's best friends with Sirius."
"Oh I see where you're going," Remus teased. "Beggars can't be choosers, huh?"
"No! Even if they were all available, I'd pick you anyway! Remus, Remus, Remus. Always, forever, my Remus!"
Even though she said it so easily, he knew deep down that she was telling the truth. He laughed nevertheless, and told her that he was touched.
x
He opened his eyes and was startled. "Lily! What the hell are you doing here? Who let you in?" He had sworn to himself long ago that he would never let her see him in that state or the morning after, wrecked and vulnerable.
She looked at him, eyes wet, and he regretted his tone immediately. In the hospital wing, only Sirius and James were supposed to be with him after he woke up from those monthly nightmares. He sat up but now her face was turned away. "Lily I'm sorry," he whispered. "It's just that you're not supposed to be here. Sirius and James weren't supposed to…"
"James let me in." She said darkly. "Are you going to kill him for it? Before you do, just know that I came because I wanted to see you. I wanted to know how you were doing." Her voice was slowly breaking, "You're my best friend and I cared Remus. I care..." She stood up now, and he saw two small, clear drops spot the white sheets. "I'm sorry," she said bitterly.
"Lily," he reached for her hand but she was on her way out.
You stupid animal, he told himself, making stupid promises, and then reacting so stupidly when something happens that you clearly cannot control. "Lily," he said one last time, like a pleading little boy, but she did not turn back.
She did not speak to him for a day. Such a short time…a day. It felt like a hundred.
Later, she had told him that she could not find a way in this world to be angry with him for much longer.
x
"Guess what?" she asked one day, staring at the night sky.
"I'm guessing..." Like her, he had his back against the wall, and followed her gaze to the stars.
"You're taking too long, silly!"
"Well you told me to guess and I'm a slow bloke. Let's hear it."
"Well," she started rather quietly, "James asked me out today."
"That's great. He's planned it out for ages, you know." He was amazed at the evenness in his voice, and at how he managed to sound pleased even. "So what did you say?"
"I told him to wait," she sighed, "I didn't say 'no' because I felt kind of bad. I've stopped being cold to hi,-your good influence, really-and it would sound kind of harsh."
He could've sworn that his heart had skipped a mile but still his voice did not falter. "That was kind of you, but why make him wait?"
At this, she turned to face him. "Because Remus…" she whispered, getting a confused look from him. She then shook her head of flowing red hair in response. "You won't understand."
"Try me." He was looking at her with a deep attention to detail; he had not done such a thing in years. The slight wave of childhood in her hair had disappeared, her skin was smoother, and she now carried herself with a reckless grace. But one thing, he was certain, had not changed at all in the six years he had known her. Her vivid green eyes were full of light…even if she was nearly in tears. He remembered the topic at hand and pressed on because she was still silent. "Lily…"
"Remus…" she let her eyes linger on his for a second longer and then, rather abruptly, walked away.
x
"No matter what I say, you won't laugh at me right?"
"That depends," he said matter-of-factly, "What if you tell me a joke?"
"No!" she was slightly annoyed. "No joke. But you won't hate me though, will you?"
"Oh no," he smiled, "that much I can guarantee."
"Promise?"
"Cross my heart," he said grinning, "For you, my Lily, always, and don't forget it."
He tried to not smile too much and reach out for her even though the adorably worried expression on her face made it difficult not to.
"I love you, Remus."
He chuckled, "because I said I won't hate you for what you have to say? Oh come on!"
"No. That was what I had to say."
x
It was late and the common room was empty of all Gryffindors except for Lily Evans and Remus Lupin, who were doing homework, and reading, respectively.
"It's past midnight!" she slammed her Potions book shut, "Aren't you ever going to sleep?"
"Eventually," he said casually from behind his book, seated in a very cozy chair. Truth be told, he was half asleep where he was.
Conversation had been awkward between them for the past while between them.
She strode towards him and stood in front of him, pulling his book away. He simply cocked his head and studied her, as if waiting to hear what he was supposed to do instead of read. She seemed to read his mind, but took a direction that he preferred not to pursue. He, however, did not have much of a choice or will to resist.
"You didn't give me an answer." Her voice was even, bordering on cold.
"I did," he said calmly, deliberately misunderstanding, "I said I'd go to sleep eventually."
"Not that. About the other night."
"Oh," he cracked his knuckles nonchalantly, feeling sickeningly like Sirius. "You never asked a question." Sirius, however, would have smiled as he said this, had he been in Remus' position.
Lily gaped at him but he grabbed her hand before she had time to react further. "Lily," he said her name very clearly, "this is not a game."
She gave him a very hurt look but did not snatch her hand away like he had half expected her to. Instead she asked, with such an uncharacteristic serenity, "Remus, I want to know, do you love me?"
While time had stopped for a moment, he wanted to ask her if this was why she didn't accept James. It was a stupid question but it stayed in his mind. Finally he decided against asking it and decided against answering. What he did do, was no less remarkable though.
"Lily…" he sighed, and gently pulled her down to his level by her hand.
She did not resist but when they were face to face, she said quietly, "You're not giving me an answer. Why?" The look on her face was unbearably heartbreaking, "I can handle a 'no' Remus. I'm a big girl."
And he thought, ino, my flower, you are not/i.
After holding her gaze for a moment or so, he put a hand in her hair and slowly, softly, brushed his lips against hers.
She kissed him back so deeply and wholeheartedly, and perhaps that was what really tore at him inside. With every breath, he thought: this won't work. You're not made for me. I'll love you for life, for eternity. Forever and ever, and even deeper than James Potter. But Lily, my Lily, you won't understand.
He found it hard to break away but when he did, he forced himself to go to his dormitory wordlessly. It was cruel, he knew. He'd been cruel. Just as he knew, for that, he would suffer. Maybe she would make him. If not, he would definitely bring it upon himself.
x
"Lily, what's wrong?" Once again, there had been silence between them. Only this time it went beyond a day.
She turned her face away from him, saying sourly, "Don't talk to me Remus."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to talk to you."
"Why?"
"Because you're toying with me! So cut it out, Lupin!"
"I am doing no such thing."
"James wants an answer!"
"So give it to him."
"And I want an answer, so give it to me!"
"What's the use Lily?"
"You're making me go crazy, Remus Lupin! I had never thought it would be you."
He did not know what to say to that so he put an arm around her awkwardly, and to his surprise, she willingly turned to be held by him in silence.
It always amazed him that regardless of the great bitterness she seemed to express against him or the world, she never resisted his touch.
x
A snowflake landed on her nose and after looking at it with a smile for a moment, he kissed it. The snowflake, her nose, or both. Despite the snow and the cold winds, this winter felt unusually warm.
She laughed, pushing him away, and he was happy because she was laughing, even though he felt like he was withering away inside.
"Does it even mean anything?"
"Of course it does," he replied simply, "I just don't know what."
She seemed a little disappointed after this, but beautifully so, if that could be possible. The cold had made her cheeks pinker and her lips redder. Touching his nose she said, not all too seriously, "Sometimes, you frustrate me."
"Only sometimes?" he smiled at her fondly, kissing her again, this time on her lips.
She didn't push him away this time, let him linger instead. He could almost taste it.
It felt as if she knew that nothing was going to become of them but he loved her for not saying it out loud right now. He wanted – he needed – this moment. He also wondered idly if she even knew that he loved her, because she had stopped asking. Surely by now she would've guessed it from his eyes, felt it in his touch, or sensed it in his smile.
He pulled away and a sudden wind blew her fiery hair into his face. Again, he smiled. It seemed he could not help it, could not stop himself. And she smiled back.
Did she know?
Had she guessed?
It didn't really matter anyway.
x
The seasons changed, and so did they, being forced to grow with the world around them. Now the nights came later and the days were longer, and if one tried hard enough, one could almost pretend to stop time when the sun was out.
One summer day, they stood under a tree, chatting, laughing, and trying to pretend that they weren't in a world that seemed it would soon be possessed by darkness.
He leaned against the thick trunk and closed his eyes as sunlight spilled between the branches, painting his face with patches of gold. Still, he had not told her how he felt. And still, he had no intention of doing so. At times like these, he felt he didn't need to.
In a way, they were together. They had learned to love without words. Inseparable, he wanted to say –even if only to himself- but he didn't dare utter a word so powerful.
But right now, it didn't matter anyway, anyway. He felt the breeze through his hair, her touch on his cheek, and her whisper nearby. "You're beautiful, Remus."
He opened an eye, then the other, and started to laugh. "And you're blind, Lily Evans." No one had called him beautiful before. Not even fit, not even remotely attractive.
She smiled a little, lowering her gaze, and suddenly turned grave when her eyes rested on his shirt collar.
Remus sighed wearily and placed a hand at the opening of his collar. It had been warm weather so he had undone the very top button, forgetful of the scars underneath. He was grateful that she had neither pointed it out, nor given him pity.
What she did do was grab the hand he tightly clenched his collar with, pull it away, and look him steadily in the eye.
"Rough nights," he mumbled, looking away.
"I know. Don't try and cover it up from me. You know I don't care."
"Don't care that I'm a werewolf? It's an easy thing to say, but do you believe it when you say it?"
"Absolutely. You're so young," she said sadly, "too young to go through what you have to go through."
"Young and beautiful…" he said, gazing heavenward "is what you are. I'm something else entirely, Lily, but thank you for your continual kindness."
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Because it's who we are. Have you ever heard of the Muggle tale 'Beauty and the Beast?' That is who we are together." He was still avoiding her eyes because now he knew she was crying very silently.
"You know, I know you love me. I wanted to you to say it because I wanted to hear it from you, but I guess since you can't get past hating yourself, there isn't much hope for us."
He looked at her now, at a loss for words, and cupped his hands around her face. He pulled her into an embrace. "It kills me to see you so sad," she said. "You won't even begin to understand…"
You won't understand, Lily. You can't.
"Here I am trying to make you see, but you don't understand. I love you, Remus, but you won't ever stop to understand what that means!"
"And do you understand it, my Lily?" he asked in a whisper, eyes shining, "after all, here you are, so young on your own."
This seemed to break her composure at last. "Don't turn it on me! I understand enough to at least admit it! But you won't admit it and you won't understand." She tore away from his arms, turning around, and said very bitterly, "I could probably marry James for all you care," and, with that, she strode away.
x
And marry James, she would.
Would Remus never understand? He didn't seem to agree with that. To him, it seemed that he had always understood love. He had needed it far more than anyone, he felt.
x
And so they became a story in his head, one he kept to himself when the day got dark and the nights grew long, the childish love story of Remus Lupin and Lily Evans. It never really happened and everyone was all the better for that, he told himself. Who would have believed it anyway?
x
A/N: I fell in love with this pairing not too long ago thanks to the wonderful Liebling, who was the sole inspiration for this as well as the great run that Remus/Lily ran in my head.