Kiss, Kiss

by Castle Solo

Col. Sheppard hires a new historian and finds out she's more trouble than she's worth. This is written in script format, fair warning.

Yes, even I got sucked into the amazing show of SG: Atlantis. We got the dvd's and now I am in a sick obsession. Sadly, it is becoming a drug. To combat this terror that is beginning to unfold in my world, I have decided to write my own episode and get it out of my system. I think it may have helped. Anyway, I wrote it in script form in order to practice for my upcoming assignments. If the formatting is off, good for you for even taking the time to notice. As for the disclaimer: I do not own any of the show's main characters or settings (and for those who do, get StarGate: Extinction going for the love!), however there is an OC in there who I'd like to take partial ownership of. Well, without further ado, I give you "Kiss, Kiss"

---

STARGATE:ATLANTIS

Ep. XXX

"Kiss, Kiss"

SCENE 1

Ext. Atlantis – Day

The sun shines brightly through the city as you watch a Puddle Jumper glide through the sparkling spires.

Int. Jumper – day

Close up on COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD while reading the H.U.D.

JOHN SHEPPARD

Look, all I'm saying is that if I were to pick a place in this team then I would be Han Solo.

Looks over to passenger, RODNEY MCKAY, for a moment before looking back at the sky

RODNEY MCKAY (annoyed)

So what? That would make Ronon Chewbacca, Teyla Princess Leia, and I would be Luke Skywalker, right?

SHEPPARD

No, you would be Threepio

MCKAY rolls eyes and sighs and opens mouth to comment but is interrupted by a burst of radio static. COLONEL SAMANTHA CARTER's voice is distinguished.

COLONEL CARTER

Sheppard? This is Colonel Carter, do you read me?

SHEPPARD

Yep, what's up?

CARTER

How long until you land?

SHEPPARD

Uh… about… mmm maybe thirty seconds,

CARTER

Once you've landed report to the Gate room asap. You as well, Rodney.

MCKAY and SHEPPARD exchange a look, MCKAY's of panic and SHEPPARD's of concern.

SHEPPARD

Is there some kind of trouble?

CARTER

No, no, just someone I want you to meet. I'll see you when I see you. Carter, out.

MCKAY

What could all that be about?

SHEPPARD

I don't know. Maybe it's your hot date you've been waiting to walk through the 'gate since you got here.

MCKAY

(embarrassedly irked)

I can not believe you won't let that die.

END OF SCENE 1

SCENE 2

Int. Atlantis Gate room floor – day

COLONEL CARTER stands by as gate is activated and wormhole is established. SHEPPARD and MCKAY enter stage left and mount stairs to CARTER's side.

CARTER

Sheppard, McKay, you're just in time.

All three turn heads toward Stargate where a group of people are entering through. All are wearing Atlantis fatigues and bear a country's flag on their shoulder. Behind them the wormhole deactivates. CARTER steps up to meet them.

SHEPPARD

Do you know who these people are?

MCKAY

Well, I'd assume they were from Earth, probably a few more people they pulled from the U.S. program. I will bet money these are the people from Area Fifty One.

Two men watch as CARTER interacts with one woman in particular. MCKAY and SHEPPARD approach the conversation.

CARTER

(To woman)

I am so glad you're here with us. Colonel Sheppard made an excellent choice. (notices Sheppard and McKay approaching)

Colonel Sheppard, Doctor McKay, I'd like you to meet Lieutenant Branden Archer. Archer, this is Colonel John Sheppard (points to Sheppard) our commanding officerand this is Doctor Rodney McKay, our head of science.

Lieutenant Archer steps forward and offers hand to MCKAY who takes it and shakes it. She is a tall, sturdy, woman who appears about 30, has medium blond hair braided back and blue eyes, and wears a British flag on her sleeve and talks with an accent. SHEPPARD, however, has a look of confusion.

CARTER

I will leave you to it.

She walks to greet the others of the team who came through the Gate.

SHEPPARD

You're Branden Archer?

ARCHER

The very same, but most people call me Brandi.

Down the staircase comes RONON DEX, swinging his gun around on his finger.

RONON

Sheppard!

SHEPPARD is too preoccupied with his situation to notice. RONON repeats himself twice more.

SHEPPARD

(to RONON)Over here, hold up I've got some business. (to ARCHER)You're supposed to be a guy.

ARCHER's face shows a hint of amusement and confusion.

ARCHER

My parents thought so as well, so when I came out a girl they were both a bit surprised. (Turns to RONON and offers hand)

ARCHER

Leftenant Branden Archer

RONON takes hand and shakes it.

RONON

Ronon Dex

ARCHER (flashes a dazzling smile)

A pleasure,

SHEPPARD is silent in contemplation.

RONON

Isn't Branden Archer the guy you hired for the historian job?

ARCHER

Girl, and yes I was hired by Colonel Sheppard here to be the personal historian of the Atlantis military leadership and tactics.

SHEPPARD gets a pained look on his face.

ARCHER

And judging by your friend's face there, I'd say he didn't understand that I was a girl. (playfully) Does that bug you, Colonel?

There is a small silence where SHEPPARD simply stares.

SHEPPARD

But you were supposed to be a boy,

ARCHER

Yes, we've established this already.

RONON

Is there a problem with that?

SHEPPARD is silent again. ARCHER's eyes narrow as she begins to poke fun.

ARCHER

You know, Colonel, from all the stories I hear back at SGC, hmm… well you're shorter than I expected.

RODNEY tries to stifle a snort but is unable to.

SHEPPARD (angry)

Hey, let's get one thing straight here. You are not in any place to be giving insults to the highest ranking officer in the city. Secondly, I will not have you tailing me everywhere I go.

ARCHER looks down then puts on a too-sweet smile and flutters her eyelashes.

ARCHER

I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Branden Archer and due to orders from General O'Neill I am going to be on you like green on grass.

RONON stands by and snickers with RODNEY.

SHEPPARD (heatedly)

I don't like that kind of tone you're taking with me.

ARCHER (with venom)

Then we understand each other.

SHEPPARD (raised voice)

I will not have you following me around!

ARCHER

Those are my orders!

SHEPPARD

Those are my orders SIR!

ARCHER

Does it look like I care?

SHEPPARD reaches out and slaps her across the face. Shock and disbelief cross her face as she slowly turns her face back to him.

SHEPPARD

Now, you're going back through that gate right now, or I-,

SHEPPARD is cut off when ARCHER reaches out and grabs SHEPPARD's shoulders, then places a hard kick at him between his legs. SHEPPARD goes down to his knees with a loud grunt. RONON and RODNEY pretend to cough to hide their laughter. ARCHER leans down to SHEPPARD's ear.

ARCHER

You touch me again and I will make sure you will never reproduce, okay Pumpkin?

ARCHER shoulders her bag and ascends the stairs, exiting. CARTER walks over as she sees SHEPPARD doubled over on the ground.

CARTER

What the hell happened here?

MCKAY

Something beautiful,

SHEPPARD looks up in pain and tries to appear brave but can not.

END OF SCENE 2

SCENE 3

Int. CARTER's office – day (near an hour later)

SHEPPARD is discussing Lt. ARCHER with CARTER.

SHEPPARD

You have to send her back.

CARTER

I know why you feel this way but her orders come from General O'Neill, he outranks both you and I and I can't change that. The only way we could was to get him to personally take her off the job.

SHEPPARD

Then lets get him on the radio and tell him to order her back.

CARTER

Colonel, I understand you're upset, but is it worth all this?

SHEPPARD

Yes, it is.

CARTER sighs as she drums her fingers on her desk, looking longingly at the work on her laptop that needs to be finished.

CARTER

All right, go call O'Neill and see if you can reason with him. I am not making any promises though. Once the General gets his mind set on something he won't let it go.

SHEPPARD is already dialing the DHD and awaiting the wormhole. Once established, SHEPPARD reaches up and taps his ear radio to activate it.

SHEPPARD

SGC, this is Colonel Sheppard, I'd like to talk to O'Neill. Now!

Int. Star Gate Command center – night

GENERAL JACK O'NEILL

Colonel, do you have any idea what the words "time difference" mean?

Int. Atlantis

SHEPPARD

Yes, I do, sir. I've got a few pressing questions for you and I need-

O'NEILL

How's your historian working out?

SHEPPARD stops and smiles at O'NEIL's tone.

SHEPPARD

Actually, sir, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

O'NEILL

Colonel, I have to point out that you did choose her yourself. I can provide a copy of the signed form, should you care to come sift through the crapload of filing back here.

SHEPPARD

But sir, she's insubordinate, and she's stubborn…

O'NEILL

Sounds like you like her, right up your ally.

SHEPPARD

Not exactly, sir.

O'NEILL

Let me guess, she took a swing at your face, didn't she?

SHEPPARD

Actually, it was the crotch, where'd she learn to do that?

O'NEILL

She got stranded with Teal'c a few years back on an uninhabited planet. Teal'c had to find something to practice with.

SHEPPARD nods and bites lip as he tries to think of something else.

SHEPPARD

Sir, is there anything I can say that will persuade you to recall her?

Int. Stargate Command – night

O'NEILL (with laughter)

Nope, after interviewing her for you she seemed like she'd make a good match for you. Some day you'll work it out. And when you do, I'll recall her.

Int. Atlantis – day

SHEPPARD looks defeated.

SHEPPARD

All right then.

O'NEILL

Now, if you'll excuse me, Colonel, I've still got a few things to do before I go get some shut eye. O'Neill out.

SHEPPARD disconnects with an annoyed look on his face. Looking up, he notices CARTER is standing in the doorway trying to hide a smile.

SHEPPARD

I know, I know, just don't pull a McKay and say "I told you so,"

CARTER

I wouldn't dream of it, Colonel. I suggest you go get a nap before tonight, it'll be a big one.

SHEPPARD

How can I forget? Dinner with the Melias should be just as exciting as our first encounter.

CARTER smiles at the sarcasm in his voice.

CARTER

Just try to stay awake during the Prime Minister's speech, this time.

SHEPPARD rolls eyes as CARTER gives him a pat on the shoulder and exits.

END OF SCENE 3

SCENE 4

Int. Atlantis: ARCHER's residence – Twilight hour

ARCHER is unpacking her bags in her room, a cross look is on her face. She is muttering to herself as the door behind her opens to admit TEYLA EMMAGEN. ARCHER turns abruptly.

TEYLA

I am sorry, I did not mean to startle you.

ARCHER

No, no, it's all right, I am just a little jumpy right now, that's all.

TEYLA smiles pleasantly then offers her hand.

TEYLA

I am Teyla Emmagen, of Athos. I am also a member of Colonel John Sheppard's team.

ARCHER

Branden Archer, call me Brandi, of… um Bristol.(takes TEYLA's hand and shakes) I'm Colonel Sheppard's new historian.

TEYLA

Yes, I know. Apparently, the two of you seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot.

ARCHER

Well, it would help if he'd get his feet on the ground first and get his head out of those clouds.

There is a small silence as ARCHER's bitterness deepens and TEYLA's discomfort builds.

TEYLA

I was sent here to bring you to the gate. They are preparing to leave for the Melia.

ARCHER

Oh yeah, let me just get my bag and I'll be right out.

ARCHER grabs a satchel in which she places a pad of legal paper and a pen. TEYLA opens the door and allows ARCHER to exit first.

Int. Atlantis corridors – same time

ARCHER and TEYLA are walking down the corridors to the gate room.

ARCHER

So, from what I read, you left your people to join the Atlantis team. I find that incredibly brave, if you don't mind my saying.

TEYLA

Thank you, it was a hard decision but I discovered I could do more for my people here than I ever could on New Athos.

ARCHER (prodding)

Are you and the Colonel… close?

TEYLA (confused)

Come again?

ARCHER

Are you and Sheppard good friends?

TEYLA (understanding)

Yes, he is one of the closest things I have had to a best friend in a while.

ARCHER (slyly)

Are you… more than friends?

TEYLA

If you are trying to dig up intel on the Colonel's personal life, you will not get it from me.

ARCHER is quiet for a moment as she and TEYLA approach the gate room. They enter and a whole team is already assembled, SHEPPARD, RONON, and MCKAY are talking about something when TEYLA enters with ARCHER.

SHEPPARD

No, no, Teyla, she is not coming with us. I did not tell you to go get her.

CARTER (walking down stairs)

I did. It was the General's orders that she accompany us on all expeditions. I'm not about to let the General down. Besides, I think you two can try to be civil for at least one dinner.

ARCHER and SHEPPARD glare at each other then look away.

CARTER

At least pretend you're civil with each other. Come on, we're going to be late

Team moves to the gate and SHEPPARD drifts toward ARCHER.

SHEPPARD

All right, you can come, but I am not giving you a gun.

RONON and RODNEY hang back to see if there is anything interesting. ARCHER leans in to SHEPPARD

ARCHER (whispered)

Then it's a good thing I carry my own, isn't it?

SHEPPARD looks her over, searching for the gun she speaks of.

SHEPPARD

Its not a good idea to carry one in your bag, you know.

ARCHER

Why Colonel Sheppard, did I ever say that I carried it in a bag?

SHEPPARD (confused)

Then where do you keep it.

ARCHER

Let's just call it a woman's privilege.

ARCHER steps up to talk to MCKAY while RONON steps in line with SHEPPARD.

RONON

How big of a gun do you think it is?

SHEPPARD just rolls his eyes and Ronon smiles as they walk through the gate.

END OF SCENE 4

SCENE 5

Ext. Melia – Grand banquet – Evening

A grand table is set with a lot of food. Torches light the way and give a fairy tale glow. A cobblestone pathway leads from the main streets to the banquet. Coming up the path are the natives and the Atlantean team. TEYLA is speaking with SHEPPARD. ARCHER is interviewing RONON on an outsider's opinion of the Earth military.

SHEPPARD

So, you found a place to keep Johnny?

TEYLA

Yes, he is spending tonight with his father.

SHEPPARD

Spend the night with Mr. Scared of his shadow?

TEYLA rolls her eyes as they continued down the path.

TEYLA

I know you do not approve of him, but I do not seek your approval.

She walks ahead leaving SHEPPARD by himself. A look of shame crosses his features. Cut to RONON and ARCHER.

ARCHER

And what do you think of Colonel Sheppard's leadership skills? Is he strong and confidant in what he does?

RONON

He's a good guy.

ARCHER waits for more but doesn't get anything.

ARCHER

Has he ever shown a tendency for reckless behavior? Hesitant behavior?

RONON

No.

ARCHER

You are not a very loquacious man, now are you?

RONON gives a confused look.

RONON

What's that mean?

ARCHER

You're a man of action, not of many words.

RONON (stone faced)

Yeah, that sounds about right.

ARCHER

I like you, Mr. Dex. You are the only person who has yet to disappoint me.

RONON (after a small silence)

Call me Ronon.

ARCHER

So does this mean I can call you a friend, Ronon?

RONON (a small smile breaks the stone face)

Yeah.

The natives escort each of the Atlantis team to their assigned chairs. SHEPPARD is shown by a pretty redhead who he becomes preoccupied with and ARCHER is shown by a blond male who kisses her hand as she sits down. Neither one realize they are sitting straight across from each other. RONON is seated next to SHEPPARD and TEYLA is seated on the other side. MCKAY sits beside ARCHER.

MCKAY

So, Lieutenant, how has settling in been for you?

ARCHER

Very well, thank you for asking. Dr. McKay, I must be frank with you. (Rodney gets an alarmed look) I did not think you to be a very… sociable man from all the research I have done. Yet from my experience so far, you seem to be quite talkative with Col. Carter.

MCKAY (an annoyed look begins to develop)

Yes, well… how very observant of you.

ARCHER

I also noticed that you have been trying to publish your findings on the Intergalactic relationships between quantum matter and anti matter using the Ancient Technology.

MCKAY (surprised)

You read that?

ARCHER

Of course. You see, I am a little embarrassed to admit it but I am fascinated by what you have discovered here on Atlantis. It's just…

MCKAY (hungrily)

It's just what? Is there something wrong with it?

ARCHER

It's a snoozer. The only way I could get through it was if I highlighted all the important things and strung them together. (Turns to face MCKAY more fully) In my humble opinion, you are simply unaware of your audience. If you were trying to reach a group of quantum physicists and mechanics then I would say you are just fine. However, your reports need to be dumbed down enough for the corporate people to read.

MCKAY (comprehension dawning)

You're right.

ARCHER

The way I see it is that you should treat this like a screenwriter would for a movie. Start out with a treatment, roughly 30 pages or so that gets across the main idea. Let the uninitiated get hooked on the idea then once under contract send the full report to the people who care. Viola!

ARCHER turns smiling to see SHEPPARD who is glowering at her. The smile disappears and is replaced by a cold glare.

MCKAY

You're right! You are so right. Ah, finally someone who understands me.

ARCHER (in clipped tone)

Yes well, it was nothing really.

Prime Minister stands up and delivers a speech.

END OF SCENE 5

SCENE 6

Ext. Banquet – a couple hours later – night

ARCHER and a native are drunk and stumble off alone through the gardens. SHEPPARD is talking to RONON.

SHEPPARD

Where the hell is Rodney? We need to get out of here and if he's drunk again I swear I will slap the snot out of him.

RONON

I'd be more concerned about your new historian.

SHEPPARD

What?

RONON

Have you noticed she's not here, even though she was supposed to be observing the whole night?

SHEPPARD's face flashes with annoyance and anger.

SHEPPARD

Come on, now we've got two loose cannons to worry about.

SHEPPARD and RONON excuse themselves from the party and begin to walk through the hedge maze that is set up in the gardens.

Ext. Gardens – same time

ARCHER and native, SAFF, are giggling uncontrollably as they continue to drink their ale and stumble down the paths through the maze. SAFF stops the two abruptly as ARCHER takes another drink.

SAFF

Wait, wait, wait, look!

The pair stops giggling and stares intently down the dark pathways. The moonlight shows the faint outline of the ruins of an ancient temple where grass is growing through the stones.

ARCHER (slightly slurred)

Whadisit?

SAFF

That is the Mirrorshone temple. There is a tale between my people that if a person takes their lover to the center of the dais and kiss in the full moon's light their hearts and minds shall be joined as one and they shall understand one another.

ARCHER and SAFF share a look of awe and seriousness until ARCHER cracks up and the two start laughing again. ARCHER takes another swig from her bottle.

ARCHER

Hold this. (presses bottle into SAFF's hands) Guard it with your life.

ARCHER walks toward the dais and begins mounting the small stairs that lead to it.

SAFF

Brandi, what are you doing? Are you crazy?

ARCHER

Come on, Saff, I need a little more action in my love life. This couldn't hurt.

Cut to SHEPPARD and RONON who are also in the maze.

SHEPPARD (stops and listens to giggles carried on the wind)

Do you hear that?

RONON (listening and hears the laughter again)

Yeah. Is it her?

SHEPPARD

Not sure, but I am willing to guess it is. Come on.

SHEPPARD and RONON run off down another path.

Cut back to ARCHER and SAFF. SAFF is laughing very hard at ARCHER'S made up monologue about men.

ARCHER

And so if there is a man out there who is not conceited, can cook well, is good with children, and actually thinks about making himself presentable when the occasion calls, then I would believe that there is a match for me. Perhaps if I stand here long enough the gods of love shall make a man appear before me who will take me in his arms. Then I shall kiss him in this moonlight. Right here and right now.

SAFF (giggling hysterically)

And how long will that be?

ARCHER

Let me ask of the gods. (raises voice) Oh great gods of affection and matrimony, let your graces smile upon me tonight as I stand here in search of a man worthy of me. Send a man to take me here, now on this very stone. Let him hold me tight and not let go. (closes eyes dramatically and pauses for SAFF's amusement) I offer myself to you and your match making ways.

SHEPPARD walks around the corner as the moon comes out from behind a cloud, showing him ARCHER standing on the dais with her arms out and her face lifted to the sky. Rushing over and agitated, he hurriedly wraps his arms around her tightly so she won't get away. ARCHER, unaware it is SHEPPARD, believes this to be the man sent from the gods above, wraps her arms around SHEPPARD and kisses him on the mouth. Through the contact something happens, like a spark or a jolt running through the two of them. SAFF is shocked, believing the gods had answered the callings of at first resists but gives in. RONON's mouth hangs wide open as he watches the pair kiss in the moonlight.

RONON

What the hell are you two doing?

Shaken from their fling, ARCHER opens her eyes and meets SHEPPARD's both suddenly break away, flabbergasted and disgusted.

SHEPPARD and ARCHER

What are you doing? I don't know, what are you doing?

ARCHER spins around and starts trying to wipe off her tongue. SHEPPARD turns away and starts spitting at the ground. The sudden rush of adrenaline mixes with her blood alcohol level and she passes out. SAFF, quickly dashes away as SHEPPARD starts to look around.

SHEPPARD

Is she?

RONON

Just knocked out. Didn't know you could do that with just a kiss.

A worried look crosses SHEPPARD's face.

SHEPPARD

That was the strangest thing I have ever felt.

RONON

And you liked it, didn't you?

SHEPPARD (flustered)

What? Don't be ridiculous. I… we… that… just get her and lets go.

RONON (grunting as he picks up ARCHER)

Urgh, she stinks of something alcoholic.

SHEPPARD

It was the ale stuff we had for dinner, pretty sure.

RONON (jokingly)

What? Did you taste it on her tongue?

SHEPPARD (unamused)

Just get her and let's get back to Atlantis.

The two start walking back, RONON carrying ARCHER over his shoulder. Before they exit the maze SHEPPARD turns to RONON.

SHEPPARD

Listen, you breathe a word of this and you will disappear. I know where you sleep.

RONON

Whatever, loverboy.

END OF SCENE 5

SCENE 6

Ext. – Melia Stargate – night

The team is gathered around the gate, waiting to dial until everyone is accounted for. Everyone is except for RONON SHEPPARD and ARCHER.

MCKAY (whining)

Call them again. I am tired and I want to go home now.

CARTER

I did call them, twice. Ronon said they were on their way. Just have a little patience.

MCKAY

Patience is not something I am able to handle.

CARTER (getting annoyed)

Rodney, just chill, okay?

RONON and SHEPPARD come around the corner towards the gate. MCKAY catches sight of RONON carrying a body. Alarm and panic begin to set in.

MCKAY

Oh no! Who is it? What happened?

RONON

Relax, McKay. (He turns to the left slightly to show ARCHER's face that is draped over his back)

MCKAY (anger building)

What did you do to her? I knew you hated her, but I didn't-

SHEPPARD (defensively)

I didn't do it, okay?

CARTER

Then do you mind explaining to me what happened?

ARCHER begins to stir while on Ronon's back.

RONON

She's passed out drunk.

SHEPPARD

We… found her that way in the gardens over there.

MCKAY

Are you sure?

SHEPPARD (slightly uncomfortable)

Yeah, yeah we're… we're pretty sure.

ARCHER tries to sit up but find she can't.

ARCHER

Urgh, I think I'm gonna puke. (she leans out and vomits to RONON's side. RONON simply side steps it.)

CARTER

Put her down.

ARCHER stands, a bit woozy, but she can at least walk. MCKAY goes in to ask questions but SHEPPARD stops him.

SHEPPARD

Let's just get back home first, then you can interrogate.

MCKAY nods and turns to the DHD, dialing Atlantis and establishing a wormhole.

CARTER

All right, everybody move out.

Move through the stargate, wormhole sequence, team emerges on Atlantis side. RONON is struggling to keep ARCHER balanced as she begins to resist.

ARCHER

Ronon, put me down!

SHEPPARD (motions RONON to follow him)

Not till we get you to your room (then mutters under his breath) and lock you in.

ARCHER (painfully)

Ow, my head hurts like the dickens. It would be a lot better if you put me down.

ARCHER holds her head while she is still over RONON's shoulder. RONON simply ignores her.

SHEPPARD, RONON, and ARCHER arrive at her quarters and lay her down on her bed. ARCHER blinks in the light painfully.

ARCHER

Why are the lights so bright in here? (rubs her head tenderly)

SHEPPARD (over his shoulder)

It's called a hangover, darling.

RONON turns and gives a small wave goodbye as SHEPPARD takes them both out.

SHEPPARD (muttered)

Sweet dreams.

END OF SCENE 6

SCENE 7

Int. Col. Sheppard's quarters/ Lt. Archer's quarters – midnight

SHEPPARD is sound asleep in his bed, sleeping in a certain position that is distinct to him. ARCHER is also asleep in a position which is distinct to her. There is a sound like the whispering of the wind as SHEPPARD stretches out and suddenly assumes a position that looks vaguely familiar to the audience. Cut to ARCHER who begins to stir and assumes another position that is also familiar. They have changed poses for the other's sleeping position.

Ext. Atlantis on the ocean – dawn

The sun is not quite up yet and the city is clothed in a blue-purple glow.

Int. Lt. Archer's quarters – same time

ARCHER is lying in her bed, still in Col. Sheppard's position. She stirs slightly then begins to wake. Sitting up, she leans over her bed and does not a very lady like yawn, finally sitting down with her legs touching the floor. She holds her head and tries to shake a pain that seems to be dully throbbing. Rubbing her eyes, she takes notice of her hands. Staring at them, she gets a confused look at seeing the French tip manicure. She stands up abruptly, looking down at her legs, at her arms, then she runs to the restroom where a large mirror is hanging.

ARCHER (in American accent)

No, no, no, no, this can't be happening.

She arrives at the mirror and takes a look. Suddenly she realizes that she's not herself. Col. SHEPPARD is in her body.

ARCHER

Rodney!

Int. Col. Sheppard's quarters – a few minutes later

SHEPPARD is gently waking as the sun begins to peek through the windows. Turning over, SHEPPARD makes a very girly yawn and a small smile creeps over his lips as he opens his eyes. He pulls his covers off and sits up. Suddenly, he notices what clothes he is wearing.

SHEPPARD

What is this?

SHEPPARD looks over the black fatigue pants he is wearing. He feels a cold chain shift around his neck. Pulling it out shows his dog tags. Reading them, his eyes widen. He feels around and then puts his hands on his chest, apparently looking for something that is not there.

SHEPPARD

What the…?

SHEPPARD looks at his bedside table where his pair of Aviator glasses sit. Looking in the reflection he sees himself and gasps.

SHEPPARD

What?

RONON enters the room.

RONON

Hey, sleepy head. Get up, you promised me some sparring this morning.

SHEPPARD (in British accent)

Sparring?

RONON

Yeah, come on, don't tell me you forgot. And why are you talking like that?

SHEPPARD (rushing up to RONON)

No, no, no, you don't understand. I'm not… me. It's me.

RONON (one eyebrow raises)

You sure you're ok? Yeah, I know you're John Sheppard.

SHEPPARD steps forward and grabs RONON's bicep and places a hand on his chest as he pleads. RONOn raises an eyebrow at the girly nature.

SHEPPARD (honestly and desperately)

Ronon, it's me, Lieutenant Archer. I don't know how, but I got stuck in his body.

RONON gives him a dubious look.

SHEPPARD

You don't believe me. Ummm… ask me something only Archer would know.

RONON simply stares for a moment, unsure what to do.

SHEPPARD

Last night I asked you about Col. Sheppard and I said you were not very loquacious.

RONON is surprised to hear that word come out of SHEPPARD's mouth.

RONON (slowly)

Lieutenant Archer?

SHEPPARD (a small smile of relief growing)

I prefer to be called "Leftenant" Archer.

RONON

If you're stuck in there, is John in there with you?

ARCHER

What do you mean?

RONON

Is John somewhere in that head trying to talk?

ARCHER (after a small pause)

No, I don't hear him at least. Where do you think he went? (realization dawns) Probably in my body. We need to get to my quarters now.

RONON

If he's stuck in that body, then he's stuck in that room as well.

SHEPPARD (suspiciously)

What do you mean?

Int. ARCHER's quarters – same time

ARCHER, who is really SHEPPARD, is trying to figure out what is going on. She takes a step up to the door and waves a hand at the controls. A small beeping signals a block.

ARCHER (growling)

Oh, come on!

She waves her hands a few more times but the door refuses to open.

ARCHER (exasperated)

Well this is just brilliant!

She reaches up to activate the radio that SHEPPARD is used to carrying in his ear. When she feels it is not there, she groans again.

ARCHER

Dammit!

She paces around trying to find a way out. As a last resort, she begins pounding on the door.

ARCHER (yelling through door)

Hello? Open up this door now!

Int. Atlantis corridors – morning

RONON and SHEPPARD are moving swiftly down the hallways towards ARCHER's quarters. SHEPPARD is messing with the radio in his ear.

SHEPPARD

So how does this thing work, exactly?

RONON

You just tap it and speak into it.

SHEPPARD taps it, and the earpiece suddenly broadcasts an open channel.

SHEPPARD

Colonel Carter,uh… this is Lt. Archer

Int. Carter's office – same time

CARTER

John, did I just hear you call me Colonel? This is a momentous occasion. And what's with the accent?

Int. Atlantis hallways

SHEPPARD

No, no, this isn't Sheppard… well yes it is but-

RONON takes the piece out of SHEPPARD's ear and puts it in his.

RONON

Carter, this is Ronon.

Int. Carter's office

CARTER

Ronon? What's going on? Is there something wrong with Colonel Sheppard?

RONON

I don't know. But get Mckay and yourself to Lt. Archer's quarters right now. I think we've got a pretty weird situation on our hands.

CARTER

I'm on my way.

Int. Atlantis Hallways, beside Lt. Archer's quarters

SHEPPARD and RONON approach the door. SHEPPARD fiddles with his shirt. They hear ARCHER inside pounding on the door.

ARCHER (muffled)

Open this door, now!

SHEPPARD

Why doesn't he just open it?

RONON

You mean 'she'?

SHEPPARD

Whichever

SHEPPARD begins to un button his shirt and leave it open.

RONON

What are you doing?

SHEPPARD

First, he chooses the must uncomfortable clothes then sleeps in them. I need a little more ventilation, thank you very much.

RONON gives SHEPPARD a look and just smirks looking back down the hall. MCKAY and CARTER are walking up the hallway.

SHEPPARD

So why can't she get out? All the doors just open automatically.

RONON

Sheppard locked it.

SHEPPARD

So why doesn't he just open it up.

RONON

No, you Sheppard, locked it last night.

SHEPPARD's eyes narrow and flash with anger. He sets his arms akimbo.

SHEPPARD

You two locked me in?

RONON is silent as he sees MCKAY and CARTER approach.

SHEPPARD

You locked me into my own room and made it impossible for me to get out?

SHEPPARD

It was your idea, well I mean Sheppard's idea.

MCKAY

What is so important it couldn't wait until eight?

ARCHER's pounding starts up again. CARTER looks to the door.

CARTER

Why is this locked?

SHEPPARD

Because being my incredibly pigheaded self believed our Lieutenant Archer to be of some sort of threat to me.

Both MCKAY and CARTER look at him funny.

MCKAY

That was an amazing accent, almost authentic. I thought you said you couldn't do one. (begins to make his own assumptions) Maybe you've been spending a little more time around Archer, perhaps.

SHEPPARD (with seriousness)

Rodney, I am Archer.

MCKAY laughs awkwardly.

MCKAY

Excuse me?

CARTER

Colonel, what do you mean that you're Archer?

SHEPPARD

I mean that I have somehow swapped bodies with him. Don't ask me how but believe me it is causing me more infuriation and displeasure than you could possibly fathom.

CARTER, MCKAY, and RONON all exchange looks.

MCKAY

Now, I know SHEPPARD and he has never said anything that big or… or…

RONON

Loquacious?

MCKAY (confusion setting in)

Loquacious. Yes. You are not Sheppard.

SHEPPARD

Thank you, Professor Obvious.

CARTER

If you're not Sheppard, then where is he?

RONON

We think he's in Archer's body, in there. (points a thumb at the door which had begun to pound again)

CARTER

Well then, I guess we'd better get him out then… her I mean. Rodney, can you reset it?

MCKAY (smugly)

Is the Pope Catholic?

MCKAY walks up to the controls and enters the reset code and the doors open up to reveal Lt. ARCHER standing in her hot pink sports bra and Iron Man boxers.

ARCHER (with American accent)

Oh finally, took you long enough.

MCKAY

Archer? You're accent's gone.

ARCHER

No, I'm Sheppard.

SHEPPARD (with a loud feminine gasp)

You get right back in there and put on a shirt! I will not have you traipsing my body around like that!

ARCHER rolls her head over in a casual manner. A look of irritation on her face.

ARCHER (angrily)

No, maybe I like it like this. I like the breeze I get, especially around the chest. And what are you doing to my fatigues? You're disrespecting the uniform.

SHEPPARD (folds arms stubbornly)

Maybe I like it like this. I like the breeze I get, especially around my chest.

CARTER

Hey! Let's play nicely children. (turns to MCKAY) Rodney, I think we'll need to get these two in the isolation chamber.

MCKAY (laughing)

Why?

CARTER shoots him a look that says "try to be human for once"

MCKAY

Yes, right. Let's get them hooked up to some sensors.

SHEPPARD and ARCHER are both led down the hallways to the isolation chambers.

MCKAY (whispered)

Are you sure we can't leave them this way? Its far more entertaining.

CARTER (surprised)

Rodney, I would have thought you of all people would feel for them the most.

MCKAY

Me? Why?

CARTER

Your little incident with Cadman.

MCKAY (rolls eyes)

Oh come on, I had just effectively forgotten about it for six hours, and you had to ruin it.

CARTER

Well at least you know how Sheppard feels with a girl controlling his body.

MCKAY (shuddering)

Oh don't remind me.

END OF SCENE 7

SCENE 8

Int. Isolation chamber observation platform – day

CARTER and TEYLA are watching through the glass as ARCHER and SHEPPARD are being tested and monitored.

TEYLA

So you are telling me that Lt. Archer is actually Col. Sheppard, and Col. Sheppard is Lt. Archer?

CARTER

In essence, yes, they just woke up that way this morning apparently.

TEYLA raises an eyebrow.

TEYLA

Did they … sleep in the same room?

CARTER

No, Sheppard left her in her own room last night and even locked her into it behind him. Then when he woke up this morning, he ended up being the one caged.

TEYLA

Are they… seeing each other?

CARTER

As in romantically? I highly doubt it. Those two fight worse than Woolsey and Sheppard do. But you never know.

CARTER activates the inter com between the observation room and the chamber.

CARTER

Col. Sheppard? (she notices ARCHER look up and acknowledge her but Sheppard was still busy getting his electrodes hooked up) Are you and Lt. Archer in some sort of relationship?

SHEPPARD doesn't look up but answers.

SHEPPARD

Are you mad? I would rather have someone stick bamboo shoots under my nails and slowly drip water on my face than be with this man.

TEYLA has a confused look on her face but shrugs it off.

Int. Iso chamber

SHEPPARD and ARCHER lie as still as possible on their backs but still are able to fight.

ARCHER

Excuse me but in case you haven't noticed, I'm right here.

SHEPPARD just makes a disgusted sound then turns to the doctor who is attaching electrodes to his face.

SHEPPARD

Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it, Kaylee.

KELLER

Actually, its Keller, and you're welcome. Oh, shoot, I need to move this one electrode.

Dr. KELLER grips the electrode that was pasted to SHEPPARD's lower cheek and gives it a good hard tug. A ripping sound followed by SHEPPARD's cry of pain erupts through the room

SHEPPARD (holding his cheek)

For the love! Ow!

KELLER

Sorry, it has to go in a specific place.

SHEPPARD

I am not mad at you, it's Sheppard's fault for not shaving for a week.

Dr. Keller reapplies the electrode and moves over to ARCHER to get her situated.

ARCHER (gruffly)

Hey! I was on a mission right before you got here then we had that whole thing yesterday. When was the last time you shaved, huh?

SHEPPARD (smugly)

Yesterday, right before we left for Melia.

ARCHER reaches down and feels her legs. It was true.

MCKAY

All right, here lets make sure this thing is working.

MCKAY checks the monitors attached to SHEPPARD. SHEPPARD rolls over and props his head up on his hand, bringing one leg up slightly bent.

SHEPPARD

You will be able to fix it, won't you Rodney?

MCKAY turns and sees SHEPPARD in the funny supermodel pose and thinks about the helpless way SHEPPARD had intoned his last sentence.

MCKAY

You know Archer, as much as it pains me to say, it would be a lot more alluring coming from Sheppard right now.

ARCHER

Rodney, I can hear you, you know.

SHEPPARD still puts on the puppy dog face.

SHEPPARD

Rodney, I don't want to be stuck like this. I just want to go back to my old self.

MCKAY

Well, you know, we'll get you back in place in… in no time.

SHEPPARD

And Rodney,

MCKAY

Yes?

SHEPPARD

Thanks, for all your help. I know this is going to be difficult but I am sure that if there's a way out of this you'll figure it out.

MCKAY (turning to observation room)

Are you sure we can't keep 'em like this? Col. Sheppard would be a lot easier to deal with like this.

ARCHER

What do you mean 'easier to deal with'? I deal with you, isn't that punishment enough?

MCKAY looks up to the observation room again with a look of aggravation on his face. CARTER simply shrugs and gives a small smile. MCKAY turns back to the two victims.

MCKAY

All right, what I need you guys to do is relax and just act as natural as possible.

ARCHER

How am I supposed to relax while I am laying here in a girl's body?

SHEPPARD

You're uneasy? What about me? Suddenly, I have a new area to protect on myself that I never prepared myself for.

ARCHER

Men have lived that way for thousands of years.

SHEPPARD

Yeah, well its one of the great mysteries how they all survived.

MCKAY rolls his eyes up to the observation platform. CARTER nods.

CARTER

Sheppard, Archer, I order you two to be silent while the tests are conducted. The next one to talk will be sent back to Earth, do I make myself clear?

ARCHER just saluted then laid back and closed her eyes. SHEPPARD pursed his lips then laid back, placing his hands gracefully over his middle.

MCKAY

And we're green. Let these run for a bit and we'll check the results later.

Int. Observation room

TEYLA

That is if they don't kill each other first.

END OF SCENE 8

SCENE 9

Int. Atlantis conference room – afternoon

ARCHER is finally dressed in a black tee shirt and grey cargo pants. She is pacing the room, unable to sit still. CARTER and MCKAY are both sitting at the table and watching ARCHER as she paces. Teyla is playing with her young son, Torren, while they wait.

ARCHER

She should be here by now.

MCKAY

He

ARCHER (flustered)

What?

MCKAY

You mean "he" should be here by now.

ARCHER

Whatever!

MCKAY

You know, she's not here, so I am going to say it. Lt. Archer is so dang sexy when she's mad.

CARTER, TEYLA, and ARCHER all glare at MCKAY.

MCKAY

Like I said, she isn't here so I can say it. There I got it out of my system.

TEYLA

It is a good thing too.

Torren runs from his mother's arms to the door where SHEPPARD and RONON appear. SHEPPARD is now dressed in a nice pair of jeans, a partially buttoned up blue shirt that revealed a bit of his chest, and a nice leather jacket. Torren jumps to SHEPPARD's side and reaches his arms up to be held.

SHEPPARD (in baby talk)

Hey there little guy, (picks him up) oh you are so cute. You must be Torren. You probably know my face, but I don't know you. Dang, you are so cute.

ARCHER

Sheppard!

SHEPPARD looks away from Torren who he was tickling.

ARCHER

What the heck are you wearing?

SHEPPARD

Something nice for a change. And here I thought you were too cheap for Armani, but judging by how you look in them I can see why you like these, (twists to show off the pant's backside) they make your butt look good.

ARCHER

I look gay!

SHEPPARD

I think its sophisticated.

ARCHER

I look like a freaking flame in that. Button up my shirt right now.

RONON

Will you two shut up?

SHEPPARD and ARCHER are silent, then SHEPPARD turns back to playing with Torren who has become fascinated with SHEPPARD's hair.

CARTER

Rodney, what does the data say?

MCKAY

Well, not much, but look at this (turns on the computer screens and magnifies a certain wave form) this is a brain wave, these particular waves coming from our recorded data of Col. Sheppard from a few years back when he… became our worst nightmares.

SHEPPARD snorts but waves MCKAY on.

MCKAY

But look at this (brings up a second wave form next to the other one) this is the recording of the brain waves from Archer we took just a few hours ago.

TEYLA

They are exactly the same.

MCKAY (excitedly)

Exactly! I don't have any way to verify if it's the same for Archer, we don't have her brain waves on record but I would be willing to bet it's the same for them both.

Everyone is still lost, except for CARTER.

RONON

So what does that mean?

MCKAY

Their brain waves have been swapped, at least their transmitters anyway. Look, think of it like this. You have two cell phones, uh… a Nokia and a Samsung,

SHEPPARD

I call the Samsung.

MCKAY (louder to drown him out)

Anyway… if you were to copy the SIM card and the memory from the Nokia and swap it for the stuff from the Samsung they both still work, but they're radio frequencies are different and they transmit differently.

ARCHER

So that's it? All we have to do is pull out my card and swap it for her's and … oh wait. We're human beings, Rodney, how is this going to help us? Have we figured out a way of fixing this?

MCKAY (glumly)

No, no, not yet.

ARCHER stands up and groans and begins to pace again. SHEPPARD puts his head in his hands.

TEYLA

Maybe if we can figure out how this happened we could find a solution. John, were you and Lt. Archer alone together anywhere?

ARCHER (haughtily)

What? No, no we were…

SHEPPARD

Well there was that time…

All heads in the room suddenly swivel right to SHEPPARD. He takes a deep breath.

SHEPPARD

Do you remember how I was drunk last night? A friend and I had stumbled upon the ruins of something – I think she called it the Mirrorshone Temple – and I stood up there…

ARCHER put her face in her palm.

SHEPPARD (getting uncomfortable)

And then… we… umm, well Col. Sheppard appeared out of no where and I was drunk… and-

ARCHER

We kissed.

All heads swiveled from SHEPPARD to ARCHER back to SHEPPARD. RONON cracks up and begins laughing.

RONON

It was the funniest thing ever. ARCHER growls.

ARCHER

Look, I don't care what you all think, but I want my life back the way it was.

TEYLA

Mirrorshone, you say?

SHEPPARD nods and affirmative as he turns a bright shade of scarlet.

SHEPPARD

There was a supposed legend among the natives that if a pair of lovers stood together on the dais and kissed in the moonlight… my friend said "the two would become one and understand each other". But I didn't go there looking for trouble, honestly. But their wine was delicious and suddenly Sheppard was there and it just… sort of… happened.

ARCHER was beginning to bang her head against the desk. SHEPPARD's scarlet color reappeared even brighter.

TEYLA

Could it be that there is something in the temple ruins that could be responsible for this?

MCKAY (thoughtfully)

Possibly, I'd have to take a closer look to say for sure.

ARCHER stands up and begins to walk out.

CARTER

Archer, where are you going?

ARCHER

Well, someone has to prep a team to go through the gate. We'll go through as soon as I can get some boots on.

At first no one moves. Archer sighs.

ARCHER

Can I go, please?

CARTER

Well, you heard the man, uh, woman. Let's suit up and get back to Melia.

RONON (to Teyla)
Maybe I can bring me back some that wine stuff.

TEYLA smiles as she picks up Torren and begins to exit. ARCHER stops her though.

ARCHER

You're coming with us, aren't you?

TEYLA (with a small smile)

I am sorry, John, I am afraid Kanaan is on the mainland with the hunting party and I can not leave Torren here alone.

ARCHER looks down, distressed.

TEYLA

John, you knew this would happen. You gave me your word that you would allow it to be.

ARCHER

I know it's just… I don't know. I guess I just don't like the idea of you here alone.

TEYLA (with laughter)

I am not alone, I have Torren to keep me company.

ARCHER is still quiet.

TEYLA

John, do you remember the day I told you about my pregnancy?

ARCHER

Vaguely, that was one helluva week.

TEYLA (with a nod)

And do you remember how quick you were to take me off the team? Because you wanted to keep me safe, or rather keep Torren safe. Why is now any different?

ARCHER looks at the small toddler on TEYLA's hip and can't suppress a small smile.

ARCHER (with a shrug)

Got a soft spot for children, I guess.

TEYLA

And it probably saved Torren's life. For that I thank you. Though our situation is different, John, I want you to think about that choice you made long ago.

ARCHER is silent as she strokes her chin in a manly fashion.

ARCHER (sighing)

You're right. You're needed here more than with us.

TEYLA

Someday you will have a chance to feel the responsibility of children.

ARCHER

I tried that already, remember? Didn't work out so well with the wife. Besides, I already feel a responsibility to Johnny, he's named after me anyways.

TEYLA

Partially named after you. Do not let that go to your head.

ARCHER

Fine

ARCHER hangs her head slightly as the two women exit the hallway they had been walking through and enter the armory. TEYLA stops ARCHER and faces her.

TEYLA

I will miss you too, John. I will be waiting here for you and you had better return to me or I might just have to avenge you as well.

There is a small silence between them. Torren squirms out of his mother's arms and wants to walk beside her.

TEYLA

Besides, this is only one mission. I think you'll survive without me. Especially with Archer.

ARCHER

Oh don't even start-

TEYLA (with a wink)

Good luck John, I will see you in a few hours.

TEYLA embraces ARCHER who hugs back. TEYLA picks up Torren again and turns to leave.

ARCHER

Teyla!

TEYLA turns around, Torren already settling into her shoulder.

ARCHER

About what I said, yesterday, about Kanaan… I-I didn't mean… I mean-

TEYLA

All is forgotten. I will see you soon.

ARCHER

Yeah, you bet you will.

END OF SCENE 9

SCENE 10

Ext. Melia gardens – late afternoon

RONON is picking his way through the maze, the rest of the team following behind.

MCKAY

Sheppard, I can not believe you forgot where this place was.

SHEPPARD

Excuse me, I am Archer and last night I passed out drunk in the dead of the night so you'll excuse me if my sense of direction is slightly off.

MCKAY

Oh… sorry… its just so weird, you know?

SHEPPARD

You're telling me. Before we left I had to pee.

MCKAY just nods in uncomfortable understanding.

SHEPPARD

Still, I think Sheppard is the one in for it when he showers.

MCKAY

Oh, that's quite enough.

There is some quiet while they continue to traipse through the hedges.

MCKAY

So, do you write about quantum physics?

SHEPPARD

No, I really am only a historian but I do write novels. In fact, I am thinking of basing an entire series off of your exploits here.

MCKAY

So then how did you find my manuscript? How did you understand it?

SHEPPARD was silent a moment.

SHEPPARD

My husband was a quantum physicist. When I was fresh out of grad school with a Masters, we had been married for only six months. His favorite things to do to get me to sleep was read and explain his homework to me. I fell asleep in his arms every night.

MCKAY

I'm sorry, what happened?

SHEPPARD

He disappeared. I believe he died. Only three months after that I got a desk job at the SGC and soon found my way to historian of the expeditions.

MCKAY

How long did that take?

SHEPPARD

About five years

MCKAY

Five years? That's insane!

SHEPPARD

Actually its not. You see in this dimension only five years have passed, but I spent nearly seven years stuck in another reality where time passes twenty six times as quickly.

MCKAY

So you must be only what? Twenty seven?

SHEPPARD

Twenty five.

MCKAY

Huh, I always though you were older than Sheppard, the way you knocked him about.

SHEPPARD

The truth of the matter is he's close to ten years older than me. Our bodies are probably the same age though.

MCKAY

Sheppard did something like that too, but he only got stuck for six months. Seven years? That is incredible.

RONON signals the party to stop and stay silent.

ARCHER

Ronon, what is it?

RONON

There's something watching us. We need to-

He is cut off as a stun bolt suddenly hits him and spreads out across his body. Suddenly, many stun bolts fill the air.

ARCHER

We're under attack, get back to the Ga-

She falls victim to the stunners. SHEPPARD runs as fast as he can back through the maze. CARTER and MCKAY try to run but are stunned as well. Soon the entire team lays unconscious. SHEPPARD continued to run until suddenly a woman steps out from behind a bush, making SHEPPARD halt. It is Dr. ELIZABETH WEIR who was supposed to be dead, killed by the Replicators.

WEIR

Hello John,

She holds up a stunner and shoots SHEPPARD with it.

END OF SCENE 10

Ext. Melia gardens – day

The Stargate team is laying unconscious and a group of native Melias stumbles upon them as they walk through the maze. One of the people walks over and tries to wake RONON. As the young girl taps him, he suddenly springs awake thrashing and swinging his gun about. The girl jumps back, frightened and the others hurry to help her up. RONON sees that there is no threat and puts his gun away.

YOUNG GIRL

You are the people from the Gate way, are you not?

RONON

Yeah.

A young man steps forward.

YOUNG MAN

What are you doing back here so soon? Did you forget something?

RONON

Its complicated.

YOUNG GIRL

What happened here?

RONON sits up and looks around at his team.

RONON

We were ambushed.

RONON stands up and begins waking the rest of the team.

MCKAY

What happened?

RONON

Ambush.

CARTER (rubbing head)

Is everyone accounted for?

MCKAY and RONON make a quick check to see who all was still there.

MCKAY

I've got everyone except Sheppard.

RONON (yelling out)

Archer! Archer, come out.

MCKAY pulls out his life signs detector and a worried look crosses his face.

MCKAY

He's not here.

ARCHER (groggily)

What do you mean 'not here'?

MCKAY

I'm saying that I can't find his signal. The last place his subcutaneous transmitter signaled from was the outer atmosphere. After that its been either deactivated or he's…

RONON (quietly)

Dead.

MCKAY nods.

ARCHER

Ok then, lets get back to the gate, grab a jumper and-

MCKAY

Shouldn't we finish what we came here to do?

ARCHER picks up the aviators and put them back over her eyes.

ARCHER

We don't have time. Who ever took Archer took my body and I really need that back.

MCKAY

But what good is a body if you don't know how to get back into it?

ARCHER pauses while checking her gun.

ARCHER

As much as I hate to admit it, you're right.

MCKAY

Of course I am, when have I not been right?

ARCHER shoots him a look of "do you really want me to answer that?"

ARCHER

Colonel, stay with Mckay and help him out. Ronon, you come with me. Lieutenant Kearns?

KEARNS

Yes ma'am… sir.

ARCHER

Pick two men to bring with us. The rest stay with Rodney. All right, we're going through the gate, grabbing a puddle jumper then heading out to the last known location of Archer, me. Send the coordinates to me when I call for them.

ARCHER moves out with her men and the rest stay with CARTER and MCKAY. MCKAY rolls his eyes slightly as ARCHER walks away.

MCKAY

Oh yessir.

CARTER turns back to the natives who are simply staring.

CARTER

We've encountered a bit of a problem. Would any of you know where a Mirrorshone temple is?

YOUNG GIRL

I do! And its not far from here.

CARTER (bending down to child's level)

Can you show us the way?

YOUNG GIRL (nodding excitedly)

Yes! This way.

MCKAY

Great, first Sheppard turns into a girl and now I am following a kid into a maze to find a mystical temple. Can this day get any weirder?

CARTER

Don't curse it.

MCKAY nods his agreement and walks off with the marines to follow the little girl.

END OF SCENE 10

SCENE 11

Int. Darkened room

SHEPPARD is lying down on a table unconscious and a single light is shining down on him. The table looks of Atlantean origin. Stirring, SHEPPARD groans and begins speaking in fast low French.

SHEPPARD

Mais qu'est-ce qui se passe ici? Pourquoi est-ce que je suis toujours celui en difficulté?

WEIR

I didn't know you could speak French, Colonel.

WEIR emerges from the shadow in the room to stand before SHEPPARD. SHEPPARD tries to sit up but finds he is bound to the table in the laying position. SHEPPARD stays silent, not wanting to give away that he is not really SHEPPARD and in fact ARCHER. Finally he decides to speak up, doing his best to imitate the real SHEPPARD.

SHEPPARD (adjusting accent)

Well, I've got a few things up my sleeve.

WEIR smiles then begins to pace around the table.

SHEPPARD

You know you're supposed to be dead.

WEIR

Oh, I'm sure. But you see we Replicator have a funny way of sticking around, I'm sure you've noticed.

SHEPPARD (unsure how the real SHEPPARD would answer)

Yeah.

WEIR

You know, John, I am not here to bring hostility. This isn't an attempt to level a battlefield.

SHEPPARD

Well, if you wouldn't mind enlightening me on what the hell I'm strapped to this table for.

WEIR stops pacing and bends over to look SHEPPARD right in the eye.

WEIR

Do you remember my sick obsession with Ascension?

SHEPPARD

Vaguely,

WEIR

I was the only one who knew anything about it, well you did for a while but that became obsolete. My Replicator self desired to know more, to actually Ascend. I discovered we Replicators were missing a soul in which to translate.

SHEPPARD

But what's all this got to do with me?

WEIR

You are one of the strongest and most willful humans I know of. Except for Ronon, possibly.

SHEPPARD

Then why didn't you take him?

WEIR

Because his heart is not as golden as your own.

SHEPPARD doesn't know what to do, panic is beginning to rise in him.

SHEPPARD

So what? You want to… probe my mind and see what you can find?

WEIR

No.

SHEPPARD lifts his head to look at the end of the table to where WEIR is now standing.

SHEPPARD

No?

WEIR

We want to record your reactions to pain and the thresholds on which you can survive.

SHEPPARD's face pales and he lays his head back.

SHEPPARD

You're going to torture me.

WEIR

We like to call it painful research.

WEIR disappears into the shadows again only to return with a wicked looking instrument.

WEIR (whispered gently)

No lie down and relax. And believe me when I say that this is going to hurt.

WEIR thrusts the instrument onto SHEPPARD's chest where she presses it down and latches it on. SHEPPARD screams out in pain while the machine starts up.

Int. Puddle Jumper – early evening

ARCHER and her men are suited up with more ammunition and supplies. ARCHER is wearing SHEPPARD's old Atlantis fatigues. ARCHER approaches the puddle jumper's controls and stops.

ARCHER

Crap!

RONON

What's wrong?

ARCHER

I just remembered I don't know if Archer has the ATA gene.

RONON

You mean the gene that makes you fly this thing?

ARCHER

Yeah, and I doubt she comes by it naturally.

ARCHER looks over the controls longingly.

ARCHER

Kearns,

KEARNS

Yes sir?

ARCHER resigns herself to being stuck as an ordinary human. Disappointed, she turns to Kearns before she sits down in the chair.

ARCHER

Ring for the ATA gene therapy. Great, its going to be another hour before we-

ARCHER sits down in the pilot's chair and the Heads Up Display (H.U.D) flickers to life before them. RONON and ARCHER exchange a look.

ARCHER and RONON

She has the gene.

ARCHER

Kearns, scratch that last order. We are out of here. (gets situated and turns the jumper on) Hello beautiful.

Ext. Melia gardens – late evening

MCKAY and CARTER are busy analyzing the temple ruins the villagers had shown them. MCKAY has out his handy dandy notepad that seems to plug into anything.

CARTER

So what have we got so far? Facts?

MCKAY

Okay, so we know this is of Ancient Ancestors origins. And judging by the look of this place I'd say its been here since the Atlantean Ancients left Atlantis.

CARTER

Okay, so we know where it comes from, what about the device itself?

MCKAY

It seems to be working on the same electrical frequency of brain waves,

CARTER

Which would explain the swap,

MCKAY

Exactly, but what I don't understand was the activation of the device itself. Right now its completely inert.

CARTER calls over to the young villager man, Crios, who had helped show them the way.

CARTER

Crios, could you come help us a moment?

CRIOS hurries over and bows slightly when he arrives before CARTER.

CRIOS

Yes, ma'am, what can I help you with?

CARTER

In your story about this temple, when does the transformation happen? Is it a certain time of day or at a certain time of year?

CRIOS

Well, the legend has always said that the kiss must take place in the moonlight for it to work.

CARTER purses her lips but thanks CRIOS for his help.

CARTER

Well, that doesn't get us anywhere.

MCKAY

Yeah, not unless this thing is sensitive to only the light of the moon.

CARTER's eyes widen as a realization crosses her face.

MCKAY

What is it?

CARTER

What light does the moon reflect onto this planet?

MCKAY checks the Atlantis data base.

MCKAY

Um… light from the star Ess nine dash one one three eight.

CARTER

What radiation does that star give off?

MCKAY

A certain kind of ultra violet radiation much like our sun but it doesn't give you a sunburn.

CARTER

Could the device be sensitive to it?

MCKAY thinks for a moment then checks his pad.

MCKAY

It could.

CARTER

That would explain the moonlight part of the story. So if it is activated by the reflected moonlight,

MCKAY

And swaps brain waves then I think we know how to fix it. But we'd have no way to test it.

CARTER suddenly gets a sly look on her face. MCKAY gets suspicious.

MCKAY

Oh no, I hope you're not thinking what I am thinking you are thinking.

CARTER

We'll have to test it somehow. Besides, you might enjoy yourself.

MCKAY (stuttering)

Yes… b-b-but this is… is… is totally different! Besides, we'd have to wait until the moon comes out.

CARTER looks up to the sky with a knowing look. A few sparse clouds are drifting through the evening sky and the sun has just sunk beneath the horizon, leaving the planet bathed in a fading red. Up above the moon is hiding behind one of the clouds.

CARTER (with a playful grin)

Come on, Rodney. Haven't you always wondered what might have been?

CARTER puts on a sensual air as she ascends the steps to the dais. A burst of radio static interrupts MCKAY from his fantasies.

ARCHER (through radio)

McKay, this is Sheppard.

MCKAY

You mean Archer.

ARCHER

Whatever. We are just about to clear the atmosphere. Could you transmit the last known position of… me.

MCKAY looks down at his pad and presses a few buttons.

MCKAY

There you go

Int. Puddle Jumper cockpit – same time

MCKAY (over radio)

That should do it.

ARCHER expertly pilots the jumper and receives the coordinates on the H.U.D.

ARCHER

Coordinates received. How's it coming with the research down there?

MCKAY

Oh… uh… you know. We'll be uh… running a test here really quick on it.

ARCHER

Test? Must be serious,

Ext. Mirrorshone temple ruins – same time

MCKAY

Well, you know, we uh… want to be ready and make sure this thing is going to work. We think we might have it figured out by now.

ARCHER

Good to hear. Hopefully we can find something out here to help us find her-

MCKAY

Him

ARCHER

Whatever!

MCKAY

All right then, good luck.

ARCHER

You too, Rodney.

ARCHER disconnects and MCKAY is left to look at his pad. The moon comes out from behind the clouds and a low humming noise begins to emanate from somewhere. MCKAY suddenly feels the urge to turn and does. CARTER is sitting on a rock and the light from the moon hits her in such a way that seems to make her glow to MCKAY. CARTER stands up and begins to pace around on the dais. MCKAY suddenly rushes up to her, dropping his pad on the ground, and grabs her by her shoulders. CARTER is surprised when he kisses her full on the mouth. An electrical jolt passes between them, like a spark. They break away.

MCKAY

I'm so sorry I just had the greatest urge to kiss you.

CARTER

We're still ourselves. How long did it take for Sheppard and Archer to switch?

MCKAY

I don't know, Sheppard was himself until he went to sleep. I didn't see Archer.

CARTER

Hmm… well let's see what happens. I would expect that was the same sensation those two experienced. That shock felt very different from anything I've ever encountered. I don't know. Something completely different might have happened to Sheppard and Archer.

MCKAY (muttered under his breath)

Then maybe it won't happen to us.

CARTER

What was that?

MCKAY

Nothing.

END OF SCENE 11

SCENE 12

Int. Puddle Jumper – night

ARCHER, RONON, and the marines are sitting in the cockpit, all eyes trained on the window watching for something. Finally, RONON speaks up.

RONON

Sheppard, we're here and there's nothing left here.

ARCHER (impatiently)

Just let me analyze a bit.

ARCHER pulls up the H.U.D and reads through a stream of data. She begins squinting trying to read it.

RONON

What are you doing?

ARCHER (with comprehension)

This girl is far sighted. Aw crap.

RONON

Meaning…?

ARCHER (continues to squint)

She wears either glasses or contacts. This is pretty dang annoying.

MARINE #1

Colonel Sheppard?

ARCHER (over her shoulder without taking her eyes off the H.U.D)

What?

MARINE #1

We've got a massive reading here.

ARCHER

Let me bring it up.

ARCHER pulls up radar from the station to the display. A small red blip blinks on the edge of the planet.

RONON

What is that?

ARCHER

Looks like a ship, a pretty big one too.

MARINE #2

Its locked in orbit, sir. All thrusters and sublight engines seem to be on standby.

ARCHER

Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?

ARCHER pulls the yoke over and they make a new course for the unidentified ship.

ARCHER

Mckay, Carter, this is Sheppard, respond.

Ext. Mirrorshone temple – night

MCKAY

Yeah, I'm listening.

CARTER

Go ahead.

ARCHER (over radio)

We're picking up a signal from an unidentified ship in orbit. I'm going to go check it out and see what they're up to.

MCKAY

Is it Wraith?

ARCHER

Huh uh, it's a machine and inorganic.

CARTER

All right, keep us posted.

ARCHER

Will do, Sheppard out.

MCKAY

You know I still can't get over those words coming out of that mouth. It just sounds so-

MCKAY suddenly faints, landing on a pile on the ground. CARTER turns around to see MCKAY in a pile and begins to walk to him but does not make it as she passes out as well.

MARINE #3

Doctor McKay? Doctor Mckay? (yells over shoulder) somebody go check on the Colonel. Let's get them somewhere comfortable.

MARINE #4

What do we do? Should I send for a medical team.

MARINE #3

No, no, they knew this was a risk. Just get them somewhere out of the way.

MARINE #4

Will do.

Int. Puddle Jumper – night

ARCHER

Getting a visual… now.

All look through the window and see a ship in the distance.

KEARNS

Colonel?

ARCHER grunts a "go ahead" in a very un-ARCHER like way.

KEARNS

The readings we're getting must be incorrect.

ARCHER

Why? What's wrong with them?

KEARNS

This data says that that ship is an Ancient battleship, Aurora class.

ARCHER's eyes widen and she exchanges a look with a frowning RONON.

ARCHER

Replicators?

KEARNS (uneasily)

Their radiation signal says so.

ARCHER swears violently. RONON snickers.

ARCHER (heatedly)

What's so funny?

RONON

That is just really funny coming out of that little mouth.

ARCHER (unamused)

Ha ha, very funny. We need to get closer and see if we can pick up any life signs. Engaging cloaking device now.

ARCHER closed her eyes and waited as the ship obeyed her thoughts. The jumper gets in very close, landing along the hull of the bow and resting there.

ARCHER

What have we got on the life signs detector?

MARINE #1

Conducting sweep… jumper says… (marine looks up incredulously) one life sign.

ARCHER (vindicated)

That's got to be her then! All right, now we know our course of action, we need a plan.

ARCHER tries to fold her arms the way SHEPPARD always did but finds she can not due to the added circumference to her chest. ARCHER finally situates herself then calls over her shoulder without taking her eyes off the display.

ARCHER

Run a scan for Replicators, see how many of these bastards there are.

RONON snickers again. ARCHER just rolls her eyes.

MARINE #2

Final count, sir, is one thousand, three hundred, twenty nine.

RONON

Well, that rules out the possibility of taking them on hand to hand.

ARCHER is quiet as she tries to come up with a plan.

ARCHER

Do we have any of those personal shields Carter wanted to test?

MARINE #1

Yes sir, but only two. She was planning on doing the test tomorrow.

ARCHER (to RONON)

Perfect, one for you and one for me. Hopefully the cloaking device works on those things. Flying into B level hangar bay.

ARCHER takes the controls and steers them toward the hangars and begins landing.

MARINE #2

But sir! You can't be serious. Those things haven't been tested. For all we know they could be time bombs,

ARCHER turned around and shot a death glare at the marine.

MARINE #2

With all due respect, sir.

ARCHER

Listen, my body and I have been separated against our will and I think it would be nice to get it back. Besides, why they would want to kidnap me? I don't know but I plan on finding out.

ARCHER picks up a few more supplies from the back of the ship and stuffs them into her pockets. She pulls another handgun out.

RONON

What do you need with four pistols?

ARCHER

Well I need three and Archer needs one… I need one. Whatever.

ARCHER looks at all of her pockets to find them all full of supplies and ammunition.

ARCHER

These damn fatigues never had enough storage space.

ARCHER stops as a lightbulb goes off in her head. She looks at her gun then down at her chest.

ARCHER

Hmm… I wonder.

ARCHER shoves the gun down the side of her bra where it stayed securely fastened to her person. RONON, feeling awkward, looked away for a moment.

ARCHER

Huh, well what do you know? She really could fit a hand gun in there.

RONON

That's great, can we go now?

ARCHER

Yes, (she cocks one of her guns) let's get this show on the road.

Int. Replicator ship hallway – night

ARCHER and RONON wear strange arm bands that look like tourniquets but are not cutting off circulation.

ARCHER (whispered)

Activating cloaking device… now.

Both ARCHER and RONON press a button on their arm bands and a force field crackles over them, then turns invisible.

ARCHER

I still see you… (consults portable life signs detector) but they can no longer detect us. So the only life sign around here is… (she points down the right hallway) that way. Let's go.

They race down the hallway, avoiding a few of the Replicators at a time. Soon then come to another cross roads. Suddenly there is a great scream of pain.

ARCHER

Do you hear that?

RONON

I know that scream.

Alarm passes between the two as they race down the hallway. They forget to be very quiet and attract the attention of two Replicators who begin to follow them. ARCHER and RONON break into a run.

ARCHER (murmured)

Ah crap.

ARCHER pulls out the Anti-Replicator Weapons.

ARCHER

I had hoped not to use these,

RONON

They've probably already adapted to them.

ARCHER

Well you got any better ideas?

They continued to run but RONON stops for a moment as a plan begins to form.

ARCHER

What?

Footsteps begin to echo behind them.

RONON

You said they can't detect us, right?

ARCHER

Well, they can see us just fine but they can't tell if we're one of them or not.

The shadows of the Replicators hit the wall. RONON takes a look over his shoulder then back at ARCHER.

ARCHER

Come on! Let's go!

RONON

John, I am really, really sorry about this.

RONON begins to advance on ARCHER.

ARCHER (suspiciously)

What are you doing?

RONON

Act like a girl.

ARCHER

Wha-

ARCHER is cut off as RONON takes her in his arms and begins to kiss her passionately. At first she resists but as the Replicators come around the corner they see RONON and ARCHER together in a corner. Out of the corner of her eye, ARCHER sees one of them begin to smile and the other signals to leave them alone. Once they are gone RONON breaks away.

RONON

Sorry about that, buddy.

ARCHER smacks her lips distastefully.

ARCHER

You know, as weird as this is going to sound and crazy as it is to hear me say, you're actually a pretty good kisser.

RONON pulls the life signs detector out of his pocket. ARCHER furrows her brow. He begins to run away.

RONON

Thanks

ARCHER

Hey, that was in my pocket, how did you-?

The scream comes again and ARCHER begins running after RONON. Running around the corner she runs smack into RONON who is standing like a wall staring at a blank wall.

RONON

It's through there. I can hear it.

ARCHER (looking around at the wall)

Yeah, but how do we get in?

RONON and ARCHER both begin to feel around the wall, looking for a hidden switch. RONON brushes something and the wall opens again. The screaming within is suddenly amplified as it can now escape into the hallways. The pair hurries into the dark passageway and shut the door behind them. ARCHER pulls out a gun and points it forward.

ARCHER

Stay close.

They creep down the hallway in the dark. They finally see light at the end and ARCHER begins to move faster. The screaming stops again and there is labored breathing in between. They hear a voice float through the air to them.

WEIR

Don't fight it, John Sheppard. The more you fight, the more pain you feel.

ARCHER looks to RONON and mouths "Weir" and signals him to be silent. They enter the cavernous torture chamber. ARCHER walks up behind WEIR and sees her activate the device on SHEPPARD's chest again, causing him to scream more. ARCHER's face shows the pain and anguish she feels for SHEPPARD. WEIR stops the machine again and lets SHEPPARD catch his breath. ARCHER steps up behind WEIR and cocks her gun. WEIR freezes.

ARCHER

You so much as move, I will blow your head clean off and lets see how the nanites react to that.

WEIR

You must be here for Colonel Sheppard,

WEIR turns around to face ARCHER who holds the gun pointed squarely at her face.

WEIR

I regret the circumstances-

ARCHER

You say another word and I will shoot.

WEIR (smugly)

No, you won't.

ARCHER

Oh? And why not? I got nothin' to lose.

WEIR

A pretty girl like you wouldn't have the guts to harm and innocent human.

ARCHER

Well it's a good thing I've got two things going for me.

WEIR's haughty smile is replaced by a suspicious glare.

WEIR

And what's that?

ARCHER

Well for one thing, I know you're not human.

ARCHER pulls the trigger on her gun and the bullet gets stuck between WEIR's eyebrows. The smug grin returns.

WEIR

You can't beat me.

Suddenly, ARCHER bends down and covers her head as RONON begins opening fire with his special gun. Over and over he shoots the body of Dr. WEIR. At first she is able to repair herself quickly, but with the quick succession of bolts from RONON's gun the metal of the nanites begins to melt into a pool of shlag. He continues to shoot while ARCHER takes a look at SHEPPARD who is passed out on the table.

ARCHER

Wow, this is really weird. Archer? Archer! Brandi, wake up, Brandi!

ARCHER detaches SHEPPARD from the table. ARCHER tries to pick up SHEPPARD but is unable to. He is still attached to the machine. ARCHER places a hand on it and pulls a small trigger which unlatches the nozzle from SHEPPARD's chest.

ARCHER (looking at the wicked nozzle)

What is this thing?

Shrugging it off, ARCHER again attempts to pick up SHEPPARD and is still unable to.

ARCHER (grunting)

I really need to hit the gym after this. (yells to RONON over gun blasts)Ronon! I need some help.

RONON

I am a little busy here.

ARCHER

She doesn't need to be destroyed, just slowed down. We need to get him out of here, he's been seriously injured.

RONON stops firing, twirls his gun then places it in its holster on his hip. Reaching over, he hoists SHEPPARD over his shoulder and they exit.

Int. Jumper – night

KEARNS

They should have called us by now. Where could they be?

The Marines have been getting restless and are pacing the jumper. A burst of static and a voice patches through their radios.

ARCHER

Kearns, this is Colonel Sheppard. Get ready to go and have the back door open for when we get there. We might have some company.

KEARNS (with relief)

Yessir, right away. (to the other Marines) Let's get this thing airborn.

Int. Replicator ship hallways – night

ARCHER is covering RONON's back while he carries and unconscious SHEPPARD.

ARCHER

Go, go, go! Now!

They run into the bay, searching for the jumper.

RONON

Where is it?

For a moment panic crosses ARCHER's face but then the Jumper un-cloaks itself and is floating in the air just to their right.

ARCHER

Get in there, they're coming.

They all climb aboard and the jumper recloaks as it exits and heads for space again. Within the jumper, ARCHER and RONON are tending to SHEPPARD.

ARCHER

Not responding, sluggish eyes too.

RONON

What's that mean?

ARCHER

That I am in serious trouble if we don't get her to Dr. Keller in record time.

ARCHER looks over the wound inflicted by the machine, a deep bloody circle in the middle of his chest.

ARCHER

Come on, Archer, wake up. Where's the smart ass I know?

END OF SCENE 12

SCENE 13

Ext. Mirrorshone temple ruins – night

MCKAY is finally waking up after passing out.

MARINE #3

Sir, he's waking up. Doctor McKay, are you feeling all right?

MCKAY looks up confused but then his eyes widen as he realized what has happened. He looks down at his hands, feet, and uniform then almost laughs.

MCKAY

I look like Doctor MCKAY, correct?

MARINE #3

Uh… yes sir.

MCKAY (happily)

Good, because I'm not.

MARINE #3

What do you mean… oh.

MCKAY

Where's my body?

MARINE #3

Right there (points to ground where CARTER lies curled up)

MCKAY bends down and begins waking her.

MCKAY

Rodney, Rodney, wake up. It worked.

CARTER stirs and begins to wake.

MCKAY

It worked Rodney. Look.

CARTER opens her eyes slowly.

CARTER

What worked? Of course it worked, I did it. I mean…

CARTER notices her voice and how different it sounds. Panic and concern fill her eyes as she begins to feel around and discover her new surroundings.

CARTER

No! This can't be happening.

MCKAY

Rodney,

CARTER

No, no, no, you listen to me I did not sign up for this.

MCKAY

Rodney,

CARTER

What if we can't fix this? What if we're stuck here forever like this?

MCKAY

Rodney,

CARTER

What about having normal lives? I'd have to date other men now and that's just-

MCKAY

Rodney!

CARTER finally shuts up and listens. MCKAY places his hands on CARTER's shoulders to calm her down.

MCKAY

I need you to listen to me. You're going to be just fine. We did this as a test, remember? Now, we need to complete the test. From what we saw we should be able to simply kiss and get this whole thing righted, all right?

CARTER's face is filled with anxiety and doubt but she nonetheless nods.

MCKAY

Okay then, lets get back up on that dais and see if the moon will poke through so we can kiss again.

MCKAY mounts the stairs and waits on top of the dais as CARTER moves reluctantly. MCKAY is watching as the moon moves behind the clouds.

MCKAY

All right, just a quick kiss and then we'll be all done, okay? There's nothing to worry about.

CARTER (apprehensively)

Oh all right.

The moon moves out from behind the clouds and the low hum starts up again. CARTER reaches up and kisses MCKAY but very reluctantly.

MCKAY

Wait a second.

They both stand for a moment in thought.

MCKAY and CARTER

There was no spark.

MCKAY
I didn't feel the spark of last time, and I think that's what did it.

CARTER

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, I'm stuck like this. I will never ever be the same again.

MCKAY (getting frustrated)

Rodney, shut up! Okay, we had our position, we had the moon, we had everything exactly the same. What was different then?

MCKAY looks over at CARTER who is worried sick and beginning to pace.

MCKAY (to self)

Intent.

CARTER's nervousness and frustration is oozing from her every move.

MCKAY

Rodney, when you kissed me before, you said you had the strangest urge to kiss me.

CARTER

Yeah, so?

MCKAY

Maybe that's what we need. An urge, a desire, a motive, a positive emotion to drive us.

CARTER

Yes, that's true!

MCKAY

Rodney, I want you to listen carefully. Think about the woman you care most about in the world, who would your dream kiss be?

CARTER's face relaxes a bit as she closes her eyes concentrates on something else.

CARTER

Okay, I'm thinking about it.

MCKAY

Now, pretend that woman is me. Pretend that we are on a quiet beach and the sun has just set. You take the girl's hand and walk in that part of the sand where the foot prints disappear…

CARTER's face suddenly appears intoxicated. She seems to sway on the spot.

MCKAY (quietly)

Now, take my hand. I will be that girl. Now, kiss her. Kiss her hard and long and as passionate as if you will die tomorrow.

CARTER jumps up and throws her arms around MCKAY, kissing him passionately. The "Spark" occurs and they both break. MCKAY is smiling.

CARTER

I'm still you though.

MCKAY

Yes, but give it a minute, it may take some-

MCKAY faints and CARTER follows closely behind.

MARINE #4 rushes up to check them. Once they are cleared he begins to move them into more comfortable positions.

MARINE #4

Man, I really need to get that transfer to the SGC.

END OF SCENE 13

SCENE 14

Int. Atlantis jumper bay – night

ARCHER is sitting next to SHEPPARD who is still unconscious. She taps her radio.

ARCHER

Dr. Keller, this is Sheppard, respond.

KELLER

Well it appears you're both still stuck,

ARCHER

I need a medical team down to the jumper bay immediately. Archer's been attacked.

KELLER (after a moment of silence)

I am on my way.

RONON and ARCHER help to carry him out of the jumper into the hangar bay.

ARCHER

Easy, easy there, that's my neck you know.

Through the east door a team of medical personnel rush through and flock to ARCHER and RONON. KELLER kneels down and helps them put SHEPPARD onto a stretcher.

KELLER

What happened?

ARCHER

She was tortured.

KELLER

Okay I need four cc's of morphine pumping right now, let's go.

ARCHER stops KELLER from following the stretcher.

ARCHER

Listen, Doc, … she's going to be all right, isn't she?

From the strained look on Dr. KELLER's face ARCHER's own unease heightens.

KELLER

I don't know.

KELLER hurries off to catch up with the stretcher. ARCHER is left standing alone, unable to deal with the idea that her body may not make it through. RONON steps up from behind and places a hand on her shoulder.

RONON

She'll pull through, she's a tough one.

ARCHER

I hope so, I certainly hope so.

Int. Atlantean observation room over Iso chamber – night

SHEPPARD has been moved to be operated on in the iso chamber to keep him stable. Dr. Keller moves swiftly to clean up the wound. ARCHER stands in the observation room pacing back and forth.

RONON

Keep it up and you'll wear a hole in the floor.

ARCHER (stressed)

I can't help it.

RONON

I'm sure she'll be fine.

ARCHER (tensely)

Oh yeah? Well what happens when she isn't? What happens to me, huh?

RONON is quiet while ARCHER moves over to the glass window and peers through for the umpteenth time. MCKAY and CARTER enter.

MCKAY

Ah Archer, we were looking for you.

CARTER

What are you watching? Where's Sheppard?

ARCHER doesn't answer but gives a strained look to them then down to the Iso Chamber. CARTER and MCKAY are shocked.

MCKAY (incredulously)

What happened?

ARCHER

We found her on a Replicator ship orbiting the planet, being tortured by… by…

CARTER

By who, John, tortured by who?

ARCHER

Elizabeth Weir.

MCKAY actually gasps.

ARCHER

It wasn't the real her, or the Replicator her, this one was new. And this one definitely didn't have a sense of humor.

KELLER (through inter com)

John?

ARCHER whips around to look through the window. SHEPPARD lays on the table, all cleaned up and sleeping.

ARCHER

Yes?

KELLER

We were able to patch you up just fine, you lost a lot of blood and were close to brain damage but after giving you a blood transfusion and pumping some hydration through you I am happy to say you'll make a full recovery.

ARCHER smiles brightly.

ARCHER

Thanks, Doc, I owe you one.

KELLER just nods and helps transport SHEPPARD back to the infirmary.

ARCHER is relieved as well as everyone else.

ARCHER

So, you were looking for me?

MCKAY

Oh yes, we figured it out.

ARCHER

Figured what out, exactly?

CARTER

We know how you can get switched back.

ARCHER's eyes brighten even more.

ARCHER

You know what? I could kiss you right now. Not that I will.

CARTER

We'll have to wait for Sheppard to heal but on the whole we got it.

ARCHER

Are you sure? How do you test this stuff?

MCKAY gets uncomfortable and begins to look everywhere but at ARCHER. CARTER answers for him.

CARTER

We switched ourselves.

ARCHER is slightly stunned.

ARCHER

Beg your pardon?

CARTER

Rodney and I switched our own brainwaves, just as you and Archer did. And we were able to figure out a way to get back.

ARCHER

Wait a second, Rodney? You switched?

MCKAY (stuttering)

It… it-it was all in the name of science.

ARCHER smiles and pulls MCKAY into a big hug.

ARCHER

Appreciate it, buddy.

With that, ARCHER heads out of the room and makes her way to the infirmary. MCKAY makes a face then turns to CARTER

MCKAY

Are you sure we can't keep-

RONON and CARTER

No!

END OF SCENE 14

SCENE 15

Int. Atlantis Infirmary – morning

SHEPPARD is lying in a hospital bed, he has no shirt on but his chest is wrapped profusely with gauze. He begins to stir and wake. ARCHER and RONON has been waiting at his side for a few hours now.

RONON (softly and eagerly)

Hey, how are you feeling?

SHEPPARD (groggily)

Oh just peachy, how 'bout you?

ARCHER

How's the body feeling?

SHEPPARD

Oh, so that's why you're here. You know for a moment I actually believed you might have gone soft on me and started to care.

ARCHER

That's beside the point.

SHEPPARD closes his eyes again and chuckles.

SHEPPARD

I feel fine, thank you for asking. What happened?

ARCHER

We were kind of hoping you could tell us.

SHEPPARD

The last thing I remember was getting this thing hooked up to me and then it just blinded me with pain.

RONON

Weir was the one doing it. She was a new Replicator version, we think. Did she happen to tell you why she did that?

SHEPPARD

It was for their path to Ascension to combine with the Ancients who have already been translated. She said they needed to develop human qualities and pain was one. She believed Sheppard here to be the most stubborn and instead got me captured. I remember her yelling at me to push through and endure the pain. But I just couldn't. I had resigned myself to death shortly before you two came.

RONON

So there are more Replicators out there? I thought Mckay said they were all gone.

ARCHER

These guys just don't quit, do they?

SHEPPARD had begun to fall asleep again.

RONON

Let her sleep, if you want your body back in full condition you'll let her rest.

ARCHER (staring at the unconscious SHEPPARD)

Yeah, you're probably right. I just hate waiting like this.

RONON

You still owe me a sparring session, remember?

ARCHER

You're on.

The two exit the infirmary.

Int. Atlantis Rec room – morning

ARCHER stands posed in the middle of the room with a wooden staff in her hands. RONON circles around with his own staff twirling.

RONON

Ready?

ARCHER

Are you ready?

RONON moves to strike and ARCHER moves to block it but her grip isn't strong enough and she is hit.

ARCHER

Ow!

RONON

Sorry, buddy.

ARCHER

Why does this feel so funny?

ARHCER tosses the staff around between hands. Suddenly it dawns on her.

ARCHER

Archer is left handed?

RONON

Yeah,

ARCHER

How do you know?

RONON

She asked me a few questions the first night she was here and wrote them down on some paper.

ARCHER (shrugging)

Hmm, alrighty then. Let's try this again.

RONON

Okay.

RONON begins circling again, this time it is ARCHER who lashes out and strikes first. RONON parries expertly but isn't expecting ARCHER to do a one handed sweep and RONON gets hit in the leg.

ARCHER

Huh, this is so strange.

The two continue to fight, not pulling any punches and going full on now. RONON takes a sweep at ARCHER's legs but she jumps up into an impressive split jump and gets RONON across the cheek.

RONON

What was that?

ARCHER

I don't know, some dance move probably. Well whatever it was I think I'm going to use that move again.

RONON

No you don't,

They fight for an hour or so until finally RONON lands a whack on ARCHER's eye brow, a loud crack filling the air. ARCHER let out a small scream in pain but quickly resorted back to breathing deeply.

RONON

Sorry about that.

RONON hands a towel over to ARCHER who holds it to her brow. She hisses as it touches her wound.

ARCHER

How bad is it?

She tenderly pulls back the towel so RONON can take a look.

RONON

I can't tell really but I think you should at least get some stitches.

ARCHER

Great.

Int. Atlantis Infirmary - day

Dr. KELLER looks to RONON when she sees ARCHER walking in holding a bloody towel to her head.

KELLER

What did you do?

RONON

Hey, I didn't mean to, we were sparring.

KELLER

Some day I am going to order you to not spar anymore due to health restrictions. (shakes her head) Come here, lemme take a look at you.

ARCHER is set up on a bed next to where SHEPPARD is sitting, reading a book. SHEPPARD looks up alarmed.

SHEPPARD

What did you do?

ARCHER

Ronon and I were practicing.

SHEPPARD

In my body? Are you crazy? Now I'm going to have a big gash in my forehead, thanks a lot.

ARCHER (agitated)

You? What about me? I'm the one who's going to have a huge hole in their chest. I supposed I should be thanking you for that.

SHEPPARD turns in his bed, angry now, to face ARCHER.

SHEPPARD

Yes, you should thank me that I didn't tell them you were really me at the time or else they would have done the same to you.

ARCHER

Yeah, but they would have killed you first.

SHEPPARD (satisfied)

Exactly!

ARCHER

You… I… urgh! You are such a pain in the ass, did you know that?

SHEPPARD

Oh, then the feeling is mutual.

KELLER

Hey! Zip it! As long as you two are in my Infirmary you follow my rules and I am telling you two to knock it off right now. Sheppard, lay down, you'll tear out those stitches. Now you, Archer, I need to sew you up to lie back and let me work.

SHEPPARD and ARCHER stop bickering and do what the doctor ordered. In walks MCKAY.

MCKAY
Oh look at that, I got you both in the same place. Perfect.

MCKAY notices that ARCHER is getting stitched up.

MCKAY

What happened to you?

ARCHER (tersely)

Ran into your big head.

MCKAY just shakes it off and continues.

MCKAY

As soon as the doctor clears you we need you to come up to CARTER's office so we can tell you how to fix this whole mess. How, uh, long will that be exactly, Doctor?

KELLER (still stitching)

Well, Archer's in pretty good shape, I'll stick a bandaid over this and call it good. SHEPPARD should be able to walk within the hour. With the stimulant I gave him, he should be fully functional within about two.

MCKAY
Excellent. Meet in Carter's office in two hours.

SHEPPARD

Thanks Rodney, I'll be there.

MCKAY nods and looks to ARCHER

ARCHER

What are you lookin' at me for?

MCKAY shrugs and leaves. Dr. KELLER finishes stitching up ARCHER and proceeds to the trash to clean up. RONON follows her.

RONON

These two just won't ever stop.

KELLER
You're telling me. They are a hazard unto themselves.

The two step around the corner into the sanitation station where KELLER begins washing off her needles and hands.

RONON

I'll be glad when this whole thing is over.

KELLER (a pleasant smile)

Same. So how are you?

RONON

I'm all right now that Doc's here.

KELLER (blushes)

You doing anything later? I thought maybe we coul-

RONON kisses her. But they are interrupted when SHEPPARD walks around the corner.

SHEPPARD

Doctor, I-

SHEPPARD gets a knowing smile on his face.

KELLER

Yes?

SHEPPARD

I was just wondering if I could get my clothes back anytime soon?

KELLER
Yes, they are in the armoire hanging up next to the other uniforms. They are pretty disgusting and covered with your blood so I would suggest taking them back and getting changed.

SHEPPARD

Does that mean I am free to go?

KELLER

Yep, just take it easy with those stitches.

SHEPPARD

Will do, Doctor.

SHEPPARD exits and RONON turns back to KELLER.

RONON

Now, where were we?

KELLER simply smiles.

END OF SCENE 14

SCENE 15

Int. CARTER's office – day

ARCHER, MCKAY, and CARTER are all sitting in her office, ARCHER is pacing again.

ARCHER

Why is it that Archer is always the last one to the party? I am sick of waiting on her.

SHEPPARD walks through the door, a bright smile on his face.

SHEPPARD

All right, let's get to it.

ARCHER (flatly)

Nice of you to join us

SHEPPARD

Apparently you have no sense of time or hygiene then.

ARCHER

Hey!

SHEPPARD

For your information I needed to shower and get all that crap off your body, not to mention the stench. Besides, I am actually five minutes early.

CARTER

Anyways… lets get down to it. McKay?

MCKAY

Right, well, here's the thing… (building suspense) you guys have to kiss again.

There is a small silence. ARCHER raises an eyebrow.

ARCHER

That's it?

MCKAY

That's it. Of course there are uh, a few criteria that you'll have to follow but uh…

CARTER

Okay here's the thing (begins to count off on her hands) we'll get you back to the device tonight, you must do it in the light of the moon, and you must have a positive emotion or feeling…

SHEPPARD

I feel a 'but' coming on.

MCKAY

You must mean it. There must be a sort of electric shock or jolt or something like that.

ARCHER leans her head on the table and groans. SHEPPARD puts his face in his palm. RONON walks in and can already guess the situation.

ARCHER

This is never gonna work!

SHEPPARD

Yes, how am I gonna willingly kiss this guy?

ARCHER

Oh come on, there are plenty of other girls who would kill for a chance to kiss me.

SHEPPARD

Well, then apparently I'm not one of them.

ARCHER

Argh! Just my luck I have to kiss someone like you!

RONON

Why not just fake it?

ARCHER and SHEPPARD

What?

RONON

Sheppard showed me all those movies where the people are making out all the time. Is it that hard to pretend for two seconds that you guys actually aren't mortal enemies?

MCKAY

You know what? He's right. If we can get you guys to pretend I don't think the device would know the difference between real emotion and show. Heck, its only indication is the scientific the body gives off.

CARTER

Perfect, you guys might want to practice though, just so you can be ready.

Everyone in the room except for ARCHER and SHEPPARD grin slowly.

SHEPPARD

Practice?

ARCHER

Sure

ARCHER stands up and walks over to where SHEPPARD is sitting.

ARCHER

Come on (prepping as if for an attack), kiss me right now.

SHEPPARD

Right now?

ARCHER

No, next week.

SHEPPARD stands up and walks to stand before ARCHER, an awkward distance between them. He takes a deep breath then lets it out.

SHEPPARD

I can't do this.

ARCHER

You know what Archer? Suck it up.

They stand there in front of each other, neither one moving.

ARCHER

What are you waiting for?

SHEPPARD (blushing)

The man is the one who is supposed to make the first move.

ARCHER

You are the man.

SHEPPARD

Oh, well then…

SHEPPARD steps forward and everyone in the room hold their breath as he holds ARCHER's face and moves in. Suddenly, he breaks away. Everyone sighs disappointedly.

ARCHER

Ah come on!

SHEPPARD

I just can't do it, I am looking at myself, you know.

ARCHER

That's why you close your eyes.

SHEPPARD

I just can't bring myself to do this!

ARCHER (yells)

Fine!

ARCHER runs and grabs SHEPPARD's head, pulling it down to her level, then dips SHEPPARD into a passionate kiss. Everyone else in the room applauds. When they break SHEPPARD shakes his head.

SHEPPARD

Wow…

ARCHER

Yeah… wow.

CARTER

All right, we will head for the temple as soon as the sun sets.

Everyone gets up and exits the office. MCKAY talks to SHEPPARD on their way out.

MCKAY

I know what that felt like.

SHEPPARD

It was like kissing a mirror with a tongue.

MCKAY (shocked)

He slipped you the tongue?

SHEPPARD is silent, giving MCKAY the answer.

END OF SCENE 15

SCENE 16

Ext. Melias garden maze – early evening

CARTER, MCKAY, RONON, ARCHER, and SHEPPARD are all walking through the maze again looking for the temple again.

ARCHER

To think I will be able to get out of these stupid clothes and back into my own.

SHEPPARD

Watch it, Mister. For me, it'll just be great to shower with my eyes open.

ARCHER (an uneasy look flashes across her face)

Uh… yeah… right.

They arrive at the dais just as the sun has disappeared under the horizon.

MCKAY

Now, both of you need to fill yourself with a positive emotion. Think of a good memory, or something that makes you smile.

ARCHER stands there next to SHEPPARD, both still straight faced.

ARCHER (sighing)

I got nothin'

MCKAY

Oh come on there's got to be something in there.

ARCHER

Not off the top of my head.

MCKAY
hmm… oh, think about when you helped me with Torren when he was born. You seemed to like that.

ARCHER's face cracks into a smile. She nods then heads up to the dais, SHEPPARD following close behind.

CARTER

The moon should be rising any moment now.

As if in reply a thin sliver of light appears next to them, growing into a full light source.

SHEPPARD is nearly giggling, but he controls himself.

ARCHER

What's so funny?

SHEPPARD

Tell you later, for now…

SHEPPARD places both hands around ARCHER's neck, cupping her chin and pulling it up to him. Their lips meet softly at first but the intensity grows. ARCHER wraps her arms around SHEPPARD who is running his fingers through her hair. The jolt comes and runs through them both. They soon break.

ARCHER (staring at SHEPPARD)

It's done.

CARTER

Good, it'll probably take a minute or two for the device to knock you out.

SHEPPARD giggles again.

ARCHER

What is so funny?

SHEPPARD

Do you want to know my happy memory?

ARCHER (suspiciously)

Yes…

SHEPPARD

It was the day we met.

ARCHER is surprised. Then SHEPPARD continues.

SHEPPARD

And the time when I kneed you in the crotch.

ARCHER's surprise fell from her face and was replaced with a stony, lackluster look.

ARCHER

Only you would take pleasure in-

ARCHER faints on the spot.

SHEPPARD

Sheppard? Hey, are you-

SHEPPARD faints as well.

CARTER looks to MCKAY who is smiling.

CARTER

All's well that ends well.

END OF SCENE 15

SCENE 16

Int. Atlantis residences – day

SHEPPARD is in his room reading more from his WAR and PEACE book. The door beside him hisses open to admit Lt. ARCHER.

SHEPPARD

Ah, Lieutenant, nice of you to stop by.

ARCHER

How are you feeling?

SHEPPARD

Good, all back to normal. You?

ARCHER

Yes, yes, everything's fine.

There is a small silence.

ARCHER

I came here to tell you I won't be tailing you anymore. I've been reassigned.

SHEPPARD stands up and faces ARCHER.

SHEPPARD

You're leaving me?

ARCHER nods and clasps hands in front of her.

ARCHER

Yep, you're free to do whatever you want to me now.

SHEPPARD

Well… its been… educational.

He holds out a hand to her. She shakes it.

ARCHER

Yes it has been.

SHEPPARD

So, uh… what will you be doing back at SGC? Paperwork, more historical documentation,

ARCHER looks confused.

ARCHER

SGC, why would I be going there?

SHEPPARD is now confused. ARCHER suddenly realizes why.

ARCHER

Oh you thought I was going back to Earth? Oh no, no, no, no, you can't get rid of me that easily. No, I've been reassigned to shadow Dr. McKay and Dr. Zalenka for the next little while. I'll still be here though.

SHEPPARD

Oh, well then that's… good.

ARCHER laughs.

ARCHER

Control yourself, Sheppard, I didn't mean to cause you that much joy.

It is SHEPPARD's turn to laugh.

ARCHER

Its been a pleasure working with you, Sheppard.

SHEPPARD

Hey, listen how about I'll call you Brandi, you call me John.

ARCHER

Ooh how can I find an insult in this?

SHEPPARD

I'm sure if there is one, you'll find it.

The two laugh and a silence builds between them.

ARCHER

Well, I'd… better go.

SHEPPARD

Yeah… yeah I am sure Rodney is going to be ecstatic when he finds out about you.

ARCHER

Oh I was thinking about not telling him for at least the first twenty four hours.

ARCHER smiles then heads for the door which opens in front of her. She turns once more to SHEPPARD.

ARCHER

And John?

SHEPPARD

Yeah?

ARCHER

I wasn't lying about what I said before.

SHEPPARD

Which was…?

ARCHER (with a wink)

You do have a nice butt.

With that she leaves, SHEPPARD laughs at himself then turns back to his book.

Ext. Atlantis – day

The sun shines brightly on the glistening spires of Atlantis and the ocean waves reflect the beautiful city just as steadily before. All is well.