"Kids, this is the story of how your mother found true love and got married and had a whole bunch of babies. You may think it's strange that a woman such as your mom landed anybody, but I tell you, she was hot stuff in her day. Had all sorts of suitors. Yes, Ben, this is going to take awhile. You might as well get comfortable.
Ahem.
So your mother was in the King's army in Ferelden, which I imagine surprises neither of you. She was all up tight and badass. You've seen her do training in the yard. Imagine that. She was already married then, though clearly that didn't work. I mean, he died, but that was beside the point. Your aunt Hawke told me he seemed like a bit of a douchebag, but your mom loved him. He was a Templar and his name was Weasel...I mean, Wesley. I didn't meet him, so we're going to skip to the parts that I'm in.
So your mom and Aunt Hawke ended up moving to Kirkwall because of the war and all that nonsense. They ended up working for this mercenary with her brother, Carver. Now your Aunt Hawke had a BIG crush on your mom. Not that I blame her, your mom is pretty hot stuff. But anyways, then there was your Aunt Merrill and she's adorable, so she moved on pretty quickly. That's the story of your cousin Tamlen. Haha. Sorry, what was I telling you again? Right. You know Varric would be better at telling this...it wouldn't be true, but regardless.
So, we were in Kirkwall then. So your mom was single for a long time after Wesley. Not that there was no one interested, mind you. But she kept to herself, was practically rusting by the end of it. During that time, your aunt Hawke was trying to come up with money for an expedition. That's when they met me. Well, that's when they met everyone, but I like to think my entrance was rather spectacular. It's not every day you invite some lovely ladies to a duel in the Chantry. Oh, the ladies. We went everywhere together, your aunts, your mom and me. We were such a good team, fighting our way up and down the Wounded Coast, looting corpses for money. We all went down to the Deep Roads together. It was the first time your mom and me shared a bed. Okay, fine, Mia, nothing happened...yet.
So we got back from the Deep Roads, now mildly richer. Your aunt Hawke was loaded by then. I'm sure Merrill has told you all about the house. She loved that house so much. It broke her heart when they had to leave. I rather liked the place they lived at before. Much more...scenic. I was still living at the Hanged Man at that point. Your mom and I used to have such long talks. Oh, she would blush to tell you about it then. She would call me slattern in front of the others, but she used to let me brush her hair. It was such a silly thing, but she would stay over at the inn and I would brush her hair as she told me stories about her day. I was already a little in love with her then, I won't lie. But I enjoyed it for what it was. Two friends enjoying each other's company. One getting all sorts of sex, one having none.
Ew? No "ew". Sex is a normal part of life and a very healthy one. You were not raised to say "ew" at these things. I'm ashamed of you, Beth. Go sit in the corner and think about what you said. Go. Yes, you still have to listen.
Where was I? Right. So this is when your mother got this foolish idea that she liked this guard Donnic. Well. We were traipsing all over the Wounded Coast so she could get a chance to talk to him and even then it took forever. She was so bad at it. It made me wonder how she ever got married the first time. Needless to say, this is when I decided that she was clearly never going to make the move, so I would first. However there was some...unpleasantness with the Qunari. Nothing awful-okay, fine. Your mother kicked the Arishok's ass so I wouldn't be some drooling servant of the Qun. But I knew she loved me, so I was just giving her a chance to show it, that's all. She's clearly better with swords than words, so I was being a lady. Anyways, so your Mom swept me off my feet and we put that silly Donnic business behind us. And that's the story of how I met your mother.
What? You wanted to hear about Hawke bringing peace among mages and Templars? Agh. You kids never want to talk about anything fun. Go ask your Uncle Varric."