Title: Insanity Check
Author: SIGF
Summary: Can Shepard fight off death and indoctrination long enough to save the galaxy and the man she loves? If so, which of the three paths will she choose, and what will the consequences be? A Shenko (Female Shepard and Kaidan Alenko) story. MASS EFFECT 3 SPOILERS.
Disclaimer: This world doesn't belong to me. I'm just visiting. Thank you, Bioware, for creating it.
Warning: Mass Effect 3 spoilers, and a lot of cursing.
Author's Note: This story takes place right after the Catalyst tells Shepard her three options to "save" the galaxy. I know that everyone is writing a story with their take (ahem, rewrite) of the ME3 ending. Here's mine. I've been staying away from reading other stories about it while I was nursing my own idea, but now that I have this started, feel free to let me know in the reviews if you have a story that I should check out. With that said, please review, especially if you want me to continue this story. Last but not least, thank you for reading!

Oh, God, the pain. Everything hurt. No wait, scratch that. Everything hurt like hell.

Surely she should have just died by now, with all the wounds she had sustained trying to get to the beam. But Commander Jane Shepard was too fucking stubborn to die until her mission was complete. The galaxy would be- had to be saved first. Then, and only then, could she let herself embrace the sweet nothingness of death.

"You have a difficult decision. Releasing the energy of the Crucible will end the cycle, but it will also destroy the mass relays. The paths are open. But you have to chose," the Catalyst told her, sounding wise beyond the years of his child-like form. Of course, he wasn't a real child. Shepard had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to be, and why he had taken on the appearance of the little boy who haunted her dreams. Yet, although she was more than curious, she didn't have time to care.

Difficult decision, he said? Hell, that was a damn understatement. But this couldn't be it, these couldn't be her only options. This couldn't be the salvation that she had been fighting for, it just couldn't be.

"Please... you can't-" Shepard gasped, unable to keep her voice from cracking into a silent sob as the descent of defeat and hopelessness overwhelmed her. She managed to swallow it all down, and, after a few uncertain seconds, she started to speak again. "These can't be the only options. Destroying the mass relays will lead to the destruction of so many planets, so many systems. Billions will lose their lives, maybe more."

Shepard shuddered as she remembered her choice months ago to send an asteroid into a mass relay, thereby destroying the Reapers' access into the Milky Way Galaxy and postponing the Reaper invasion. But that decision had cost hundreds of thousands of Batarian lives. And now, she was being told to make the same decision, once again in the name of peace, once again to stop the Reapers, but on a much larger scale. Could she destroy the galaxy in order to save it?

Her head started to ache under the weight of the decision that she had to make. And was it stress that was causing her to hear a buzzing sound in her head, or was there just some sort of interference on her communication link?

"Deciding to destroy the mass relays was the only option back then, just as it is the only option now," a voice whispered to her. But... was that her voice? The more she tried to identify where the voice was coming from, the more her head seemed to throb.

Yet, before she could put too much thought into the matter, the Catalyst interrupted her confusion. "There is no other path, just the three I presented," the ghost-child confirmed. "Or, you can simply do nothing and let the Reapers continue their destruction of your galaxy."

His words caused Shepard's legs to buckle, and she soon found herself on her knees, held up with only the support of her arms. She couldn't do this- she couldn't condemn billions of people to death. Who was she to play God, to make this kind of decision?

Maybe instead of choosing she could just lay down right there and let her wounds run their course, let herself die. She knew that without getting medical treatment soon, she wouldn't live much longer. Rather than being afraid, she welcomed the coming darkness. After all, this was just too fucking much. Shepard had never asked to be the savior of the galaxy, had never asked for that onus to be put upon her shoulders. It would be easier, simpler, to just give up and die and let fate run its course. Perhaps the next cycle would be the one to finally beat the Reapers, and she could watch it happen from a bar in heaven while she and Garrus knocked back a few drinks. And maybe Kaidan would be there, too.

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered softly, finding it suddenly hard to breathe, as if her insides were collapsing upon themselves. Was he still alive after the attack from Harbinger? He hadn't made it to the beam...

But no, he had to be alive. He'd promised her that he'd fight like hell to hold her again, and even if she wouldn't be able to keep her end of the bargain, she fully expected him to do so. He had to be alive, he just had to be, because if he wasn't- well then, what was she fighting for?

With renewed vigor, she stood up. One way or another, she would give Kaidan a fighting chance to survive. Now, the only question remaining was, what path should she choose?

"Control the reapers," a voice cooed in her head. "Think of all the power that you'd have... you could make sure that no one destroyed the galaxy, hurt humanity, hurt Kaidan, ever again. You would have an army of Reapers at your command." Shepard put a hand to her temple, her head now pulsing with pain. Whose voice was that? She couldn't think over all the goddamn buzzing!

And then, with the force of a thousand bricks, it hit her.

Oh God, no... She was being fucking indoctrinated.

Shepard quickly ran through some of the symptoms of indoctrination that she had memorized from her codex. Headaches? Check. Buzzing? Check. Hallucinations of ghostly presences?

She glanced over at the ghost-child, the Catalyst. Big fucking check.

Looking around her, she wondered how she didn't realize any of this earlier. She was standing on top of the Citadel, in space, with no suit on, for fucks' sake! Was any of this even real? Shepard wasn't sure that she could distinguish fiction from reality any longer. And dammit, did her head ever fucking hurt!

Shepard let out a pained moan as the sharp agony in her head intensified. Oh, God, she couldn't take it anymore! "Stop fighting it and the pain will stop," a voice told her. "You will be happy and free from pain if you just submit."

With her entire body shaking from the strain of fighting the indoctrination, Shepard wavered. It was so tempting to just give in, all she wanted was for it to stop...

"I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back- the person that I loved- are you still in there... somewhere?" asked another voice, but this one was deep, strong, and comforting- one she knew even better than her own. No, it wasn't a voice- it was a memory. Kaidan.

"They didn't change me Kaidan. Or how I feel about you," she said out loud, repeating the words she'd said to him back on Mars. "And they won't. I'll fight it with everything I have," she promised, suddenly feeling renewed.

"What are you saying?" the Catalyst asked, clearly enraged. Shepard nearly smiled. So apparently she'd pissed it off- that must be a good thing.

"I'm saying that I'm doing this on my own terms, Casper," Shepard retorted, somehow managing to embrace the pain in her head and ignore the buzzing sounds, at least temporarily.

But now what? What could she do? What path should she choose?

Whoever was indoctrinating her wanted her to pick the path of controlling the Reapers. That's also the path they tried to get the Illusive Man to take before he blew his brains out. All this could only mean one thing- that she should by no means choose this option. Besides, if she was indoctrinated, then whoever controlled her would be the one who was really controlling the Reapers. Then, the Reapers would simply continue their destruction and harvesting, and that was the last thing she wanted. No, control was definitely a trap.

So, that left her with two options- destruction, or synthesis. Destruction would be ideal, except that she would end up killing all synthetic life, including EDI and the Geth. But after the events on Rannoch with Legion, after her conversations with EDI, how could she choose to bring about their genocide? If being friends with Legion and EDI had taught her anything, it was that synthetic beings could have free will, could have a soul, could be people.

But synthesis- was that the answer? Humans shared the same DNA with each other, but that didn't mean that humans never went to war with other humans. The same held true for other alien races. Synthesis might lead to peace between alien races, between synthetics and organics, but for how long? And then how long would it be before the Reapers changed their minds and decided to wipe out the world again because there was "too much chaos"?

All this thinking made her head feel like it would split open, and Shepard cried out in pain again. At this rate, she wouldn't be able to fight the indoctrination forces much longer.

"Fine then. If I can't use my brain, I'll just have to follow my heart. I'm going to need your help here, Kaidan," she whispered to herself, and her eyes glazed over in determination.

Before she fully knew what she was doing, her body propelled her down the red path, toward the power conduit, toward the destruction of synthetic life.

"I advise against this path. You will destroy synthetic life, including the Reapers, but your children will just create synthetic life again and the peace will not last. And when that happens, there will be no Reapers left to stop the chaos," the ghost-child said in a disapproving voice.

"You can take your two cents and shove it up your ass," Shepard said, uncharacteristically feeling like a renegade all of a sudden. "Besides, I have no intention of destroying all synthetic life. Just the Reapers will suffice."

"What? But you can't-"

"Watch me," she said dismissively as she continued limping up toward the conduit. When she got to the top of the ramp she scanned the conduit with her omni-tool, and almost wept with relief when her tool revealed a hidden console within. Grateful now more than ever that she had chosen to train as an engineer, she used her omni-tool to interface with the hidden console, checking out its coding.

After a few seconds of study, she found that the machine was designed to release a strong electromagnetic pulse across the galaxy upon activation - one that would wipe out all synthetic life, in addition to the mass relays.

If she could somehow lower the intensity of the blast so that the electromagnetic waves passed through the relays without actually destroying them, well, then that would solve one huge problem and keep billions of people alive.

As she set herself to work on doing so, she found that oddly enough, that was the easy part. Shepard smiled in satisfaction as she successfully calibrated the blast to a sufficient ratio.

Much harder, though, was trying to adjust the signature of the wave so that it would destroy the Reapers, but not the Geth and other synthetic life like EDI. EDI and the Geth were especially problematic, since both had Reaper IFF signatures installed within them.

But Shepard wasn't completely without ideas. After all, she had entered the Geth Communication Hub with Legion at Rannoch, where she'd collected pieces of the Reaper infection code. If she could get the electromagnetic pulse to seek out that specific signature instead of a standard synthetic impression or the Reaper IFF, well, then she might just be able to save EDI and the Geth after all.

Of course, she couldn't know with certainty that this would work- it was a gamble, that was for sure. But she had to try, for EDI and the Geth's sakes. Hell, she had to try for her own sake, because she couldn't bring herself to save the galaxy if it meant genocide. That's just not the kind of person she was.

Performing this kind of hack was difficult work, even for an engineer of her caliber, and it certainly wasn't the type of work that should be rushed. However, because she had to rely heavily on her mind to figure out how to properly reprogram the console, the intense indoctrination-based headaches were once again taking a huge toll on her. In addition to that, she had been bleeding heavily ever since the Harbinger attack. She could tell that her body was fading and that she wouldn't be able to remain conscious for much longer. In fact, more than once, she had come dangerously close to giving in to the enticing forces of death or indoctrination. Yet, every time she was on the brink of losing her fight, the thought of the mission made her focus, made her strong. Well, that and Kaidan- always Kaidan. Her love for him filled her with a strength that she didn't even know was possible.

When she finally finished her work, she collapsed against the power conduit, exhausted and spent. All she needed to do now was activate the explosion, and the galaxy would be saved. Well, theoretically. Either that, or she would end up accidentally nuking everything and everyone.

Oh, God... what if she accidentally nuked everything and everyone? Could she actually go through with this?

"Shepard, you know that you've done everything you could, right?" Another memory of Kaidan. But it felt so real, as if he were actually there with her. She knew that this time, it was the welcoming arms of death that were causing her hallucinations, and not the effect of the indoctrination.

"I hope so. I keep running the numbers to see if I've missed something," she said out loud in response to her memory, but this time, she was smiling as she delivered the line. She knew where this conversation was leading, and was glad that her final memory would be of herself in Kaidan's arms.

"It's- it's going to be... it's going to be what it is," he said, and she felt truly comforted by his words. She had tried her best- that would have to be enough.

"So tell me, how is this kind of distraction supposed to win us the war?" she asked, and she could almost see him grinning impishly at her in response.

"I'm not a distraction, I'm here to help you relax. Relaxing will help you focus," the voice in her memory responded. She knew that he had been bullshitting her at the time, saying anything he could to keep her "distracted," but this whole time with the Catalyst, he had been her savior. He had kept her relaxed, he had kept her focused. She'd either be dead or indoctrinated long ago if not for him, her memories of him, her love for him. Indeed, Kaidan had been her sanity check.

"You mean a lot to me Kaidan. I love you," she choked out. More than anything, Shepard wished that she could say those words to him in person, just one last time.

"I've always loved you. Through all these years, through... through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive." Remembering those words filled her entire being with an indescribable feeling. Shepard then closed her eyes and tried to relive every kiss, every touch, every caress from that night.

"You might just be the luckiest man alive, Kaidan, and I'm going to make sure that you stay that way," she said wistfully. "It's time for me to go now. You knew the score."

"I can't lose you again," his voice echoed in her ear, and she could hear the strangled pain etched in his throat. Her heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and she wished more than anything that she could go to him and comfort him. But, you can't comfort a memory.

Of course, that didn't stop her from trying. "Please be happy, Kaidan. Besides, it's not every girl who can brag that she gave her boyfriend the world... hell, the galaxy." Shepard let herself shed just one tear as she said her final, silent goodbye to the man who had meant everything to her, and then she stood up with determination to face the power conduit.

Since the console was protected by a metal encasing, there was only one way to activate the explosion. Luckily, it was her favorite way. Shepard raised her pistol, her limbs steady.

"You're making a mistake!" the Catalyst screamed, but Shepard just smiled. Her final thoughts were of Joker, Anderson, and of course, Kaidan. She wanted Kaidan to be the last image in her mind before she died.

"I'm Commander Fucking Shepard, and this is my least favorite spot on the Citadel," she yelled as her pistol fired bullet after bullet.

Finally, she finished destroying the power conduit and the explosion was activated. As the world turned red, Shepard smiled. "Oh, Kaidan, I wish you could see this. It's beautiful."

That was her last and final thought before red turned black.

To be continued...