I don't own the Walking Dead or anything or anyone having to do with it. I am simply borrowing the characters. I am going to warn everyone in advance that this is not a fluffy story. It is mostly rough with the real payoff not happening until the end. I honestly cried writing ninety percent of it but, it's also something I am extremely proud of. It isn't your typical happy ending fic but, it was something I needed to write and I feel like the ending justifies the other ninety percent of the story. The idea or pieces of it anyway have been banging around in the back of my head for a while and yesterday it finally came together and demanded to be written. It comes from the heart and is one of the most emotional things I have ever written. I hope those who read it enjoy it. Please review and let me know what you think but, please please be gentle, unlike a lot of what I've written so far this is extremely personal and my skin is a bit thinner than usual. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read it.
When it's all over
The warm rays of the afternoon sun had Daryl pausing as he adjusted his pack midway up the walk to the large white house before him. Gripping the shoulder strap a bit tighter he tipped his head up to exam the orb, whose position in the sky denoted that it was late afternoon. Its rays were still strong however, marking an Indian summer that would soon fade away into the bitter bleakness of winter. Taking a moment to enjoy the warmth as it seeped through his pale skin into his very soul the hunter mused that it might be best to enjoy this last lingering essence of summer gone by. Life was a fickle thing, something he had learned many years ago, and one never knew that they were guaranteed another turn around the sun. It occurred to Daryl rather morbidly that he should appreciate this last vestige of summer, of days gone by, before it faded into nothingness as he surely would himself before summers inevitable return.
His attention was once more drawn to the house, as the raucous sounds of children playing, floated forth from the fenced in back yard. One particular voice drew the hunter like a tug on his rapidly beating overworked heart and his feet were moving once more before he'd even thought to do so, it had been too long since he had been home. Reaching the white house's front door he paused as the now familiar ache in his chest nearly doubled him over. Groping desperately for the doorframe he held on for dear life as his lungs seized and his breath deserted him. Hacking violently he desperately tried to force air in and out of the rebellious organ residing in his chest resulting in what sounded like a rattling wheeze. Just when he thought he might lose consciousness from lack of oxygen the episode was over just as suddenly as it had come and he was left sweating and shaking as he panted weakly.
It took him several long moments to gather himself before he dared to enter the house, he didn't want her to see him this way but, finally he felt recovered enough to do so. Upon entering he found the interior of the luxurious home deserted and the muted voices that finally reached his ears alerted him to the fact that everyone must be in the back yard with the children. Striding through his home the hunter reached the sliding glass doors to the yard and stopped to take in the scene before him. As he quietly slid the door open he saw Carl and Carol playing a game of tag with five preteen children. Rosita and Spencer and Abraham and Sasha sat off to the side of the yard talking with Tobin plates of food balanced in their laps. Two of the five children belonged to the couples who were currently looking on with easy amusement. One belonged to Aaron and Eric, they had adopted her when her mother had been killed by a walker, and the other was the child was the offspring of one of the Alexandrians. The final child, the only one that really mattered to Daryl, was the reason for the current celebration. Birthday decorations and food littered the backyard and on a side table the hunter took note of a cake and a small stack of presents. Nodding to Enid, Father Gabriel, and Eugene the hunter strode past them finally catching Carol's attention.
Seeing him she paused in the act of reaching for Sasha's little boy to exclaim happily," Daryl thank goodness you're back you almost missed it."
Following the direction of Carol's greeting an auburn haired, blue eyed, angel whirled away from her friends to lock her eyes upon him. He saw the moment they lite up, seconds before an ear splitting grin graced her features, and then she was running towards him full tilt her scrawny legs pumping as hard as they were able. Not hesitating for even a second he squatted down to catch her a huff of air forcibly leaving his lungs as her warm little body latched around his. Standing back up his arms went around her as her legs encircled his waist like a vice.
Leaning back in his arms, completing trusting that he would support her she greeted eagerly, " Uncle Daryl you're back. Aunt Carol said you wouldn't miss my birthday but, I was getting worried it's almost time for cake and presents and you weren't here yet."
Clutching the girl close the hunter rasped gruffly," Told ya I would be back monkey. No need for ya ta fret. When I make a promise ya know I am good for it."
" I know," the child giggled happily leaning forward to kiss his beard stubbled cheek before a more contemplative expression stole over her features," S'just you were gone a real long time and I missed you."
"Missed you too baby girl," he sighed bending down to kiss the crown of her head as he moved towards one of the lawn chairs," but, I was gone for a really important reason. I never would have left ya alone so long if what I had ta do wasn't so important."
As he settled himself in the chair he dropped his pack beside it and adjusted the child so that she was sitting comfortably in his lap. She was really too old now for this type of cuddle but, she had been his little girl for so long now that the habit was hard to break, even though she was growing up. Smiling up at him cheekily she asked, "Did ya bring me something for my birthday?"
"Judith Grimes," the hunter chastised softly," I done taught ya better manners than that," then smiling indulgently down at her he admitted," but yes I did. S'why I was gone for so long. I needed ta get ya somethin special for your eleventh birthday."
With wisdom beyond her tender years she asked intuitively," Where'd ya go?"
Chuckling softly to himself Daryl noted that most children Jude's age would be asking what he had brought them not where he had gone. But, Jude a true child of the apocalypse understood that it wasn't necessarily what was in the bag that was important, it was what he had done to obtain it. However, in this very rare instance it was indeed the items themselves that were invaluable.
Unzipping the pack he reached in to pull out the first item reverently as he relayed," Went two places actually. First one was back to the farm in Georgia so I could get ya this."
Holding the frame tenderly in his hands as if it was made of gold he presented it to the child as he intoned," S'a picture of your Aunt Beth. So ya got a face to put ta all those stories I done told ya," making sure she had the picture securely between her little hands he continued," Ya got a picture now so ya can't ever forget who she was and how much she loved ya. She loved ya as much as your own mama did Jude and she'd be so proud a ya today."
The hunter took a moment to clear his throat of the emotion that had clogged it as the little girl reached out a careful finger to trace the glass around Beth's face," She was beautiful, " the child breathed. Then cocking her tiny head to the side a smile broke out across her features as she grinned up at him, " And your right Uncle Daryl Herschel does look like Aunt Beth."
Snuggling into his shoulder as she clutched the picture close to her chest Jude breathed, " Where else did you go," prompting Daryl to pull the final item from his pack.
"Back the prison," he murmured softly," to get your Aunt Beth's journals from when she was caring for ya. The last one is missing, she had it with her when we escaped and it got lost but, the other three are all here. I wanted ya to know firsthand from her how much you meant to her, how much she loved you, and the things she hoped for you. I can tell ya til I am blue in the face but, it ain't the same as havin her words do it."
Eagerly Jude's little hands reached for the three mismatched notebooks. Daryl was familiar with each and every one of them because he had been the one to find them for her. Beth had never been one to ask for things so when she had shyly asked for paper and pens and explained why he had procured the items for her without a second thought. Now nine years later he was glad that his instincts had proven useful. He knew Jude, he had raised her for the last eight years, she would treasure these items for her whole life. They would mean to her exactly what they meant to him. He'd spent the last eight years keeping this little girl's parents alive for her through stories and lovingly shared memories. Beth was part of the legacy he was leaving for Jude, she was just as much this vibrant young girl's mother as Lori had ever been. The young blonde had sacrificed what little remained of her own childhood in order to ensure that this once tiny scrap of humanity survived those first few risk laden years of life. She'd earned the right of remembrance even if Daryl would have done it anyway simply because of what she had become to him.
Even after nine years his heart gave a painful stutter as he glanced down at the picture Judith clutched. There hadn't been a lot left at the farm but, miraculously this picture had survived. It depicted a radiant smiling Beth in a flowy sun dress and cowboy boots standing outside the farmhouse. He assumed it must have been taken shortly before the turn because she looked exactly as she had the day he'd met her right down to the length of her hair. Gazing into her carefree cornflower blues he could almost imagine she was staring right back at him, her signature smirk in place, as she challenged him to have a little faith. He wanted to always remember her as this girl, this carefree, sunny, beautiful, hopeful girl not the broken, damaged, waif, he'd been unable to save from that God forsaken hospital in Atlanta.
Judith shook him from his painful revelry as she began to slide from his lap. Her little feet hitting the paving stones of the back patio she solemnly murmured," Thank you Uncle Daryl for going out and getting these things. I am gonna go put them in my room now so they're safe," leaning up to kiss his cheek softly she breathed," I love you. These are the best birthday gifts I'll ever get."
"I love you too baby girl," he promised tousling her hair gently before she turned to run towards the house.
She had barely disappeared through the sliding glass doors before he became aware of Carol's regard. Turning towards her he found her standing just a foot away tears sparkling in her eyes as Tobin wrapped an arm around her supportively.
"You shouldn't have done that Daryl. You were gone so long I got really worried. I know she'll treasure those things but, she doesn't need them. She needs you, her daddy, not those things."
Wearily he just shrugged his shoulders," Girls already got the picture Carl gave her of Lori and she's got a few of Rick. She needed ta have one of Beth too. Was important, needed to be done."
"She didn't need pictures and journals Daryl. Not if it meant you were going on a crazy mission like that. I had no idea that's what you were doing. You didn't need to do that. As long as she has you she'll always have Beth."
"Ya didn't know because I knew you'd try ta stop me," Daryl barked a hint of his old surly self-showing through his exhaustion. Then as quickly as it had come it faded as he scrubbed a hand over his pale features," Besides ya know that shit you're spoutin ain't worth the powder ta blow it up with. She ain't always gonna have me. I won't be here forever Carol and when I am gone I want her ta remember. Beth….," he trailed off his words getting lodged in his throat," she was the closest thing that little girl ever had ta a mother biological or not. I don't want her ta forget that. Not cuz I am gone. Not ever."
Daryl knew his heightened emotions would bring on another attack and the last thing he wanted to do was to scare Jude but, he seemed incapable of calming himself as he began to wheeze.
Moving away from Tobin and dropping to her knees next to him Carol apologized," I am sorry Daryl. I recognize what doing this meant to you and to her. Just relax and take a few deep breaths. It will pass if you just breathe."
Leaning into Carol and the support that she was unobtrusively offering the hunter would have laughed if he could have. Breathe wasn't that the problem to begin with. With a herculean effort he managed to make it through the coughing fit as quietly as possible not wanting to make a scene or draw the others attention to him.
It had barely passed and he was still struggling to collect himself when Jude came flying out of the house all girlish excitement and exuberance. She was headed straight for him and Carol thank goodness, knowing that he would need a few more minutes, stood up to intercept her.
"Are you ready to open the rest of your gifts sweetheart," the older woman queried successfully diverting the child away from the hunter and towards the table piled with cake and presents.
Watching as everyone gathered around the table the hunter reached around to pull his now tattered red bandana from his pocket. Sighing contemplatively he mopped sweat from his pale face as Carl moved away from the group towards him.
Taking a seat beside him the young man was silent for a long time before murmuring quietly," We missed you here. Everyone did but, Jude the most. You were gone too long Daryl that isn't what we agreed upon. I was getting ready to come after you."
Tipping his head back to stare up at the wispy clouds that were beginning to clutter the late afternoon sky the hunter justified," You knew what I was doin Carl. You're the only one I told and you know why I had ta do it," turning to face the steady young man who had long ago replaced the petulant boy he questioned," Did ya have any problems while I was gone?"
With a quick shake of his head Carl assured," No everything was quiet. Like it's been for the last few years," the young man was still for a moment or two before continuing," I think the worlds finally settled again ya know. Like the world orders reasserted itself and people have learned how to be again. How to get along and survive."
Offering the hunter a smile he continued," You guided us through the hard stuff Daryl, made sure Alexandria survived and thrived, that the Hilltop and the Kingdom did as well. Dad would have loved to see this."
Carl's mention of Rick caused Daryl's gut to clench for the second time that afternoon. Staring at Carl who was such unique mix of Rick and Lori Daryl couldn't help but, be drawn into the past. Jude never had the same effect on him. She was an anomaly, a child that didn't really look like either of her parents, she was her own unique person. Once or twice Daryl had actually wondered if the girl really was Shane's because of her distinct lack of Grimes characteristics but, then she would do something that reminded him of Rick so thoroughly it was punch to the gut and his doubts would crumble and fall away. Carl however, was undeniably a Grimes and just looking at him reminded Daryl of one of the darkest times in his life.
Beth had been gone a year when it'd happened, a random freak accident, that before the turn would have resulted in an emergency room visit and cycle of antibiotics. He'd fallen into a quagmire of grief and desolation after losing Beth and with everything going on with Negan and the Saviors it was like no one really saw him anymore. He'd been wrong though because as soon as Rick had dealt with the immediate threat of the Saviors he'd turned his attention back to Daryl. At first he'd focused on assuring the hunter that he was not to blame for poor Denise's death but, then upon truly understanding the depth of Daryl's grief he'd turned towards trying to help him live again. He'd brought Daryl into his home to live with him and Michonne and the kids, included him in the running of Alexandria, opened up to him about his own grief in regards to Lori, and gave him a safe place to begin talking about Beth.
At first it had been Rick who'd done all the talking, bringing up random stories about her from the farm or the prison, talking about what she'd meant to the group and to Judith in particular, reminding Daryl that the way to keep her alive was to keep her memory strong. Over time the hunter had opened up. It had started slowly as tiny cracks began to form in his armor, little fissures where the putrid puss of his regret could leak out into the world at large. Little things at first like what Beth had told him she missed most about the civilized world or how much he'd actually enjoyed hearing her sing. It had evolved into him talking about Denise and how much she'd reminded him of Beth and how when she'd died it had felt like he'd failed her all over again. Then finally one random day he'd broken down on the front porch of their house, a coffee cup in his hand, balling like a baby as he'd admitted to Rick that he was certain now that he'd loved her, that she'd saved him, that there would never be anyone else who could take her place.
Rick had held him in that way that only a brother could, assured him that she had known what he'd felt, that Beth was intuitive that way, that he didn't doubt from the things Daryl had told him about their time together that she had loved him as well, and he'd begun to think he could put it away. Not his love for her, no never that, as Rick had said the only way he could keep her alive now was by remembering her, talking about her, sharing her with others both those who had known her and those that hadn't had the honor of doing so. But, he'd begun to think he could put the pain away, the regret that ate at him on an almost daily basis, drowning out all the good things in the world, and making him feel as if his soul was mired in an inescapable storm of desolation.
It was shortly after that day that it had happened. They'd been out hunting, a common occurrence because Rick had learned that taking Daryl out into the woods was the best way to get him talking about Beth, and Rick had become of all things the hunters amateur psychiatrist. He'd cut himself with a dirty knife and offhandedly Daryl had chastised him to make sure that he cleaned it well. He was sure that the sheriff had and for the next week or so the hunter never saw him without a clean dressing on the wound. Whether Rick had effectively cleaned the wound or not became a non-issue when it began to fester with infection. He hadn't told anyone, not wanting to use what few antibiotics the community had had at the time in case one of the children needed them, and it wasn't until Michonne had threatened him with bodily harm that he'd showed it to them.
The ugly raw festering wound had made Daryl think of the condition of his own heart at the time and no matter what they'd tried they hadn't been able to clear the infection. In fact from the day Michonne had seen it until the end they had simply been chasing their tails. They finally talked Rick into taking the antibiotics but, by then it had been too late. He'd developed sepsis and none of the antibiotics they had were strong enough to combat the full body infection. Daryl had wanted to amputate the limb but, Rick had refused and Michonne with all her quiet tenacity had wearily agreed saying the amputation alone would probably kill the sheriff. So they'd held out hope and in the end they had all been gathered around to say goodbye. Maggie had come from the Hilltop, where she'd gone after Glenn's death, with baby Herschel, and as a family they'd said goodbye to the man that had gotten them through so many impossible situations.
In the aftermath Daryl had wanted to die. He'd wanted to lie down beside his brother and fade away into nothing. In a little more than a year he'd lost the two people who'd come to mean the most to him and both had died absolutely pointless deaths. He hadn't been able to save either one of them and he wasn't able to look back on their losses and say that they'd meant anything at all. Beth's loss had gutted him and Rick's had shattered whatever fragile bits of his heart had remained. With his reason for living and his brother both gone he'd seen no reason to continue on with this pointless existence.
Until one afternoon shortly after they'd buried Rick. He'd been alerted to the fact that there was a problem by a racket coming from the living room. He'd barely dragged himself out of his filthy bed, depressed and morose, to find Carl standing in their living room tears streaming down his face as he held a screaming Judith in his arms. The barely three year old little girl was a sorry sight to behold, wailing inconsolably, as Carl had stared blankly at a sheet of paper. Moving towards the pair Daryl had snatched the baby, tucking her into his own embrace, and finally getting her to settle as he gruffly demanded that Carl hand over the piece of paper.
It had been a note from Michonne informing them that she could no longer stay at Alexandria, that she'd suffered too many losses and heartaches, and that she'd needed to move on. Carl had been devastated by the loss of his friend and surrogate mother and Daryl hadn't been able to divert his mind away from the troubling conclusion that the huntress most likely blamed him for Rick's death. If Rick hadn't been out in those woods trying to drag him back from the brink of depression then he would still be alive. He'd wondered for several short moments if she'd gone to Maggie at the Hilltop who had also left Alexandria when she'd no longer been able to follow Rick and Daryl. In Maggie's mind Rick was responsible for the war with Negan and Daryl had been responsible for both Glenn and Beth being in situations that had led to their deaths. She had never been able to forgive either one of them and that was why she'd left. He'd wondered if Michonne had done the same but, in the end she hadn't. The huntress had simply disappeared melting back into the apocalyptic landscape as unobtrusively as she'd come forth.
As he'd stood in that desolate living room with a crying teenager and a sniffling baby Daryl had realized that his selfishness needed to come to an end. He could hear Beth in his ear telling him it was time to step up, time to take charge, time to lead. There was in fact no one else. Carol was still at the Kingdom with Morgan trying to overcome whatever demons had been tearing her apart and Abe simply wasn't cut out to lead Alexandria. With everyone else gone the task fell to him. He knew he could lead the town, had been Rick's second in command for so long that it would be a natural transition. He had done it at the prison and he could do it here. These people were counting on him. Carl already respected him, was well on his way to becoming a responsible young man, he would accept Daryl's guidance because he understood the level of love and trust between him and his father. It wasn't until the hunter looked down at the toddler in his arms that he felt afraid. He had no idea how to parent a three year old and he had no doubt that that's exactly what he would be doing. He had never missed Beth more than he did in that moment knowing that she would have stepped in and adopted these two children as if they were her very own, Judith almost was anyway. She would have helped him to navigate the mine field of parenthood, supported him, loved them. For a split second in that moment of doubt he'd thought about packing up both children and taking them to Maggie. She would know what to do and then he too could melt back into the wild too allowing it to reclaim him.
But, when he'd glanced down at Judith as she'd trustingly snuggled into his shoulder he'd known that wasn't an option. This little girl was as much Beth's as she was Lori and Rick's. He owed his brother and his late wife but, he owed Beth too. She'd loved this child fiercely and he could never deny that he did as well. Jude deserved to grow up knowing the three people that had loved her so fiercely, so unconditionally that they had ensured that she would survive even if they didn't. It was his task now, his responsibility to ensure that happened.
So in the space of a heartbeat the man who had never known family became a father to two lost and grieving children. Carl who was well on his way to adulthood was the easiest for Daryl. The petulant child had disappeared with his father's death and a strong young man had taken his place. He became Daryl's right hand man as the hunter mentored and encouraged him molding him into the leader he knew his father would want him to be. It was Judith though who stole his heart. The little girl was too young to remember any of her three protectors and Daryl quickly became her everything. He was rarely seen without the little girl who became like his shadow. He'd done the best he'd could, trying to fall back on what he'd thought Rick or Beth would want for the child but, he knew that there were things that he had taught Judith that they may not have encouraged at such a young age. By five she could track almost better than he could, by seven she'd been a crack shot with both the child's bow he'd found her and a firearm, by eight she was skinning her own game, and he'd never sheltered her from the realities of the world they lived in. He wanted her to be prepared, to have the best chance of surviving, to thrive in this new world order.
He'd made his fair share of mistakes though and there had been stumbling blocks. When she was four she'd come back from visiting Abe and Sasha and their two year old son and she'd called him daddy. He'd been in the kitchen at the time, trying to cook something that remotely resembled dinner, as Carl read a solar panel repair manual at the kitchen table. The little girl had come up behind him and wrapped her tiny arms around his leg. She did this often and he'd absently reached down to pat the top of her head as he'd flipped the meat frying in a pan on the stove.
It wasn't until she'd questioned softly but, clearly," Daddy is dinner almost ready I am hungry," that she'd gained his full attention. Both he and Carl had swung their heads towards the child at once and without hesitation he'd turned the stove to off before scooping up the little girl and moving to sit in a kitchen chair.
Settling her he'd demanded gruffly," Why ya calling me that girl?"
Suddenly appearing uncertain the normally brash little girl had whispered," Aunt Sasha says that Uncle Abraham is Tye's daddy. He takes care of them. You take care of Carl and I aren't you my daddy?"
His heart stuttering in his chest, more than aware of Carl's keen regard he told the child," Baby girl I love you so much and I will always take care of you but, I ain't your daddy. You got a daddy and he's gone but, he still loves you, and you had a momma too and she loved you, and Aunt Beth she loved you as much as your momma did. I ain't gonna replace any a them for you baby. You had all these people that loved you so much. I am Uncle Daryl and I'll always be Uncle Daryl but, that don't mean I don't love you as much as any a them did."
With a child's simple understanding of life Judith had accepted his explanation without hesitation. Snuggling into his shoulder she's peered up at him as she'd asked inquisitively," Aunt Beth was yours Uncle Daryl wasn't she? Like how Aunt Sasha is Uncle Abe's?"
Freezing in the act of stroking the child's hair the hunter had barely been able to force words through his paralyzed throat as he'd acknowledged," Yeah baby she was."
Judith had accepted that and from that day forward he and Beth had become a single unit in her mind. Whenever strangers who visited the community would ask her about her daddy and where her mommy was she'd brightly inform them that "My parents are gone. That's my Uncle Daryl and he takes care of me. He loves me and my Aunt Beth but, she's gone too. It's just us now and my brother Carl."
Judith had been five when Carol had finally come home to Alexandria. She'd laid her demons to rest, made peace with herself, and had been ready to move on. She'd moved in with him and the kids and within a few months Tobin had joined their household as well. The older man had been an invaluable help to Daryl after Rick's death and the hunter knew he'd never gotten over his feelings for Carol so it was no surprise when his best friend had asked about him coming to stay with them. They'd settled into a routine the five of them and now all these years later they were a close knit family that was nearly inseparable.
"Maggie came from Hilltop while you were away," Carl informed him pulling him away from his inner musings," brought Herschel with her. He's getting so big. Said she was sorry she missed you."
"No she wasn't," the hunter snorted," she ain't ever forgiven me for what happened with Glenn and Beth."
"That wasn't your fault," the young man avowed firmly," neither one was your fault you know that." Then almost thoughtfully," The older that boy gets the more right you are. He looks like Glenn some but, darn if he doesn't resemble Beth more than he does Maggie."
"She didn't appreciate that the last time I made that observation," Daryl observed lightly.
Bringing his drink to his lips the younger man took a healthy swallow before agreeing," I think it hurts her too much to see it. Reminds her too much of both people she lost. She's never gotten over them."
The unspoken observation that he'd never gotten over Beth either filled the space between them but, Daryl wasn't offended by it. It was true and he wasn't ashamed of his feelings for his long lost girl.
"She come for pleasure or was there business too," the hunter asked.
"Mainly to visit but she did want to renegotiate some of our trades," pausing Carl looked uncertain for a moment before continuing, " I made some new agreements. We can go over them later if you want?"
Reaching over to slap the younger man affectionately on the shoulder Daryl asked," Did you run them by Carol? Get her thoughts?"
"Yeah but," Carl started only to be cut off as Daryl assured him," Then it's good. I trust whatever you decided. It's time for ya to step up and take a larger role in leadin Carl. I 've been groomin ya for this for years. We both know I ain't gonna be around forever. You're ready and if ya got any concerns or ya need counsel ya can always run them by Carol ya know that."
"But Daryl," Carl started again only to be cut off more firmly this time," It's time Carl you know that. I ain't," the hunter trailed off unsure how to continue before shaking his head," it ain't gonna be much longer."
The conversation was interrupted then as Judith approached them with a plate literally overflowing with cake," Uncle Daryl have some cake with me," she wheedled with a grin.
"Course baby girl," the hunter agreed pulling her onto his lap," what kind did ya ask for?"
Grinning the little girl held a forkful to his lips," Chocolate."
"Chocolate," he grinned back opening his mouth and playfully growling at her as he snatched the cake from the fork," of course ya asked for chocolate is there any other kind of cake?"
"Nope," the little girl giggled," and Aunt Maggie bought the cocoa powder from the Hilltop as my birthday gift so that Aunt Carol could make it."
"Lucky little girl," the hunter joked as he reached forward with his thumb to wipe a smear of chocolate frosting off her cheek.
"I am lucky," the little girl smiled as she forked cake into her mouth. Talking around the large mouthful of cake in a very unladylike way that the hunter was sure he had corrected numerous times already she continued," you gave me the best birthday gifts ever and you're gonna be with me always right?"
Refusing to allow his face to crumble, his heart clenching painfully, the hunter squeezed the little girl who had literally saved his life and become his reason for existing affectionately as he vowed emotionally," I'll be with you forever baby girl. Always," he paused to bring his hand up to place it over her heart," because I'll always be right here just like everyone else who's ever loved you."
Always the intuitive one the little girl paused with a forkful of cake halfway to her mouth. Eyeing him with large round blue eyes that reminded him too much of Rick she pried in the same way her father would have," Is something wrong?"
"Nah baby," the hunter denied leaning forward to kiss her gently on the forehead," ain't nothin that could be wrong today. S'your birthday," then giving her a gentle push, "go play with your friends."
Eyeing him with disbelief for a moment she'd finally given in thrusting her still mostly full plate of cake at her brother," Here Carl," before running off to play once more with the other children.
"Gee thanks," the young man had laughed mock saluting Daryl with plate before moving to stand," guess I better go find Enid and see if she can help me finish this mountain of cake," before moving off to do just that.
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Carol wasn't sure what had alerted her to Daryl's distress. Years of living in close quarters with those she loved maybe but, something had pulled her from her warm cozy bed in the wee hours of the morning. As she'd rolled over and made to escape Tobin's warm embrace he's stirred mumbling incoherently.
Leaning over she'd kissed his forehead affectionately as she'd promised," I'll be right back. I just need to check on something."
When he'd rolled back over and fallen right back to sleep she'd paused for a moment to appreciate him. This amazing man who'd loved her at both her worst and her best, who'd seen her for who she really was even when she was trying to hide that person, who'd waited for her in a world where waiting might mean you'd die alone and lonely. Her heart swelled with love for this giving, thoughtful, loving man as a faint wheezing finally caught her attention from out in the hallway.
Grabbing her robe she pulled it around her quickly as she moved to open her bedroom door. Glancing down the hallway she saw Daryl leaning against the wall, bracing himself, barely upright as he struggled to catch his breath. She didn't have to imagine what he had been doing. She knew from years of experience that he slept poorly and that it was his habit to check on Jude multiple times throughout the night, as if he expected to find her gone if he didn't keep his vigil. Given his experiences she guessed that wasn't all that surprising. They all suffered from PTSD of some sort or another. For Daryl it was the idea that those he loved would disappear if he didn't keep close enough tabs on them.
Making enough noise so that she didn't startle him Carol glided down the hallway towards Jude's room. Cracking the door she glanced in to see the little girl peacefully sleeping sprawled out across her bed.
Shutting the door as quietly as possible she reached out to place a hand on Daryl's back as she inquired worriedly," You okay?"
When all she received in return was a weak shake of his head she moved to wrap a supportive arm around him as she ordered gently," Come on let's get you back to bed."
When he allowed her to support him, to hold him up, Carol realized with a pang of fear that the situation was getting serious more quickly than she had thought it would.
Somehow she managed to half drag him back to his room and help him back onto his bed. When he curled into a fetal position on the clean sheets, his face a sickly pale white, and his lank hair sweaty and plastered to his forehead, as he'd fought to catch his breath she'd eased herself onto the mattress as well pulling his head into her lap.
He went to her willingly, no longer too proud to accept the comfort, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his damaged lungs fought for oxygen.
"Shhh," she soothed running her hands through his hair in a gentle caress, " shhh darling. The more you fight it the harder it is. Just relax and it will pass soon."
In the quiet darkness of early dawn Carol stroked and soothed and supported the man that was without a doubt her best friend as he fought the extended attack. They were getting worse, had been for some time, and she realized painfully that the end was coming sooner rather than later. Glancing down at the man literally curled in her lap due to his distress Carol caught sight of the ivory cross hanging from a tattered cord around his neck as she stroked his head rhythmically.
She hadn't known he'd had it at first. Realized belatedly after he'd started wearing it, when he'd first really come back to himself, that he must have taken it off Beth when he'd buried her. He'd held onto it for a year, not wearing it until he'd taken over caring for Judith and Carl, choosing instead to honor the woman he'd loved by wearing the knife she'd given to him on that long ago trek to Virginia. When he'd taken over parenting Rick's children the knife had gone away, packed away just as the angry vengeful part of him had been, replaced by the cross a representation of the loving steadfast protector he had become for Rick's children.
Carol was well aware of where the knife was, Daryl had made sure of that, along with his wishes that the knife go to Judith when she was old enough to be trusted with it. Her thoughts turning back to the cross Carol wondered when he had removed it from the young woman it had originally belonged to. Beth had worn it on a bracelet around her wrist and Carol had seen it on her the day that she had died. Thinking back on that horrible day Carol's heart wept anew for the pain she knew that Daryl had felt.
Leaving the hospital had been a blur, she wasn't really even sure she had come back to herself until Daryl had suddenly demanded that Rick stop as they were driving down a barren stretch of highway hours outside of Atlanta. The hunter had been cradling Beth's limp body in his arms in the back seat and no one had been willing to try to take her away from him. His sudden command when he hadn't spoken a word since the hospital corridor, when he'd demanded that no one come near him as he'd gathered Beth close, had startled Rick so much he'd jerked the steering wheel of the SUV almost driving off the side of the road. He'd pulled over though and silently Daryl had stepped from the vehicle. Easing Beth back onto the SUV's seat he had walked behind the vehicle out into an open field. They'd been just outside of Greenville South Carolina, Carol could still remember the mile marker as clear as day along route 385, a detour that they'd had to take to loop back onto 85. The field had been one unending sea of wild flowers of various colors and types. An exquisite picture of wild beauty that reflected Beth's spirit with unerring clarity and in the center of the field was a towering oak on the banks of a slowly meandering stream.
It was the perfect place, even though no one said as much, and in complete silence Daryl had retrieved the shovel from the trunk of the SUV and walked to the base of the towering old oak. Rick had moved to help him but, the hunter had growled angrily at him to leave him alone, that he didn't want any help, that this was something he had to do by himself. Helplessly they had all stood by watching as Daryl had toiled in the hot mid-day sun his features a mask of stoic grief. Finally when it was done he'd silently moved back to the SUV, opening the door and removing the young woman who it was clear had become so much more to him than simply family. Cradling her close he had fallen to his knees by the graveside before wrapping her in his flannel, all they'd had at the time, and hunching over her. He'd sat there for hours rocking the still girl in his arms in silence. Several times various members of their group tried to approach him only to be rebuffed by his feral snarling to get away from him and leave him be.
Understanding that he needed to do this Carol had declined everyone's suggestions that she approach him until she'd finally seen his shoulders begin to quake with the telltale signs of sobbing. Only after a reasonable amount of time had passed and she was sure that he had said what he'd needed to did she approach him.
Touching him gently on the shoulder she'd prompted her voice cracking with sorrow," They need to say goodbye too sweetheart. Maggie….Rick…..we've all lost her too Daryl." She hadn't been sure how he would respond to that, she'd half expected to be on the receiving end of the same feral snarling everyone else had been subjected to but, miraculously he had simply raised shiny tear filled eyes to her and nodded like a lost little boy.
They'd approached then, slowly as a group, and one by one they'd said their goodbyes as Daryl had continued to clutch her close refusing to be parted from her until the inevitable moment when he would have no choice. When that time came he'd kissed her forehead reverently before easing her gently into the deep grave as if afraid that if he moved too quickly she would break.
Picking up the shovel he'd turned on Father Gabriel viciously as he'd demanded," Ya ain't gonna say anythin. There ain't anythin ta say. Ya can't make this better. Ya can't say anthin ta honor her that'll make this right. Beth," he broke off fighting back tears as he clutched the shovel in his hands until his knuckles turned white," she was too good for this world. She was too good for anythin ya can say bout her. Silence," he nodded his head decisively," silence his how we honor her," and then he'd slowly begun to shovel the dirt back into the grave.
"Daryl let me," Rick had started moving towards his brother only to be met with an angry shake of the hunters head as he'd ground out," She was mine. My responsibility. I don't need your help. I don't want it. Leave me alone."
As Carol had looked on her arms wrapped around her torso in a pathetic attempt to comfort herself she'd seen the hurt on Rick's face and heard Daryl's words but, she wasn't sure she'd really understood them and what they'd fully meant until years later. When the hunter had said that Beth was his he had meant so fully and completely. Beth had been his and he had been hers. Two halves of a miraculously giving and selfless soul, he had never truly recovered from her loss and she knew that now he never would.
As if reading her mind the hunter chuckled weakly in her lap as he rasped through dry cracked lips," Beth told me the damn cigarettes were gonna kill me one day. Laughed in her face and told her that was damn unlikely in a world overrun with the walking dead. Figured one a them would take me out sooner or later, more likely sooner," panting harshly he admitted," quit for good as soon as a I realized that Jude weren't gonna have no one else but me. Guess it wasn't soon enough. Lifetime a sin is finally catching up with me."
Unable to dispute his observations Carol remained quiet. They weren't absolutely sure without the aid of modern medicine but, the doctor at the Hilltop was fairly certain that the illness slowly eating away at the virulent man now curled against her like a weak child was lung cancer. The insidious illness had started off as an occasional lingering cough that had slowly over time morphed into torturous oxygen depriving attacks. There wasn't much that could be done for him and Daryl had accepted that. His only demands had involved keeping what was going on from Judith as long as possible. He'd reasoned that she'd lost too many people and that he didn't want her worrying about him until it became inevitable. Carol hadn't agreed with him but, even though they all lived in the same house it was Daryl who had become the child's primary parental figure. So she'd honored his choice out of her love and respect for him.
His wheezing no less intense then earlier he murmured," I am sorry bout disappearing for so long but, ya know why I needed ta do it?"
"I know," she soothed gently having forgiven him almost immediately upon his return all those weeks ago. She hadn't been pleased with him leaving Judith when they both knew that time was getting short but, she'd understood his motivation for needing to do so while he was still well enough. Daryl's life mission since taking over as the girls surrogate parent had been to keep Lori, Rick, and Beth's memories alive for her. She might not have agreed with what he had gone to do but, she understood his reasoning behind going to retrieve the photograph and journals.
" I just wish….," she trailed off for a moment before continuing pragmatically," it's gotten a lot worse a lot more quickly since you came back."
"S'expected," the hunter rasped struggling for breath," doctor told me it would happen this way," then clearly exhausted," gonna have ta tell Jude soon. Maybe tomorrow would be best."
"Mmhmm," Carol hummed holding him close then hopefully," maybe we can wait a little while longer. I think…."
The hunter cut her off sharply," Can't wait," then more softly he predicted," it'll all be over soon. Need ta tell her now. I need ta say goodbye. She's gonna need that….when I am gone."
"God Daryl I…..," Carol paused fat heavy tears gathering on her lashes before they began to track down her cheeks in meandering rivers," this isn't fair," she finally raged.
"Life ain't fair," the hunter agreed with world weary acceptance," known it my whole life. If I ever forgot that I was reminded when Beth died. Someone as good as that deserved ta live a full happy life and ta die sleeping in her bed a satisfied old woman. If Beth didn't get that then there ain't no such thing as fair. Beth had more goodness in her little finger than I do in my whole body. Probably deserve what's happening ta me."
"That's not true," Carol denied vehemently still sobbing softly," Beth saw you for the man you were. She saw your goodness and she loved you."
"She did," he agreed softly pulling that knowledge around himself like a comforting shield against the torment currently besieging his body. Then chuckling softly around a choking cough," Told ya she was too good."
Smiling despite herself, swiping at the tears on her cheeks, she queried aloud for the first time ever," You loved her too didn't you. I mean we all always assumed it. The way you were when she died, the way you always talk about her, the fact there was never anyone else. We assumed but…..," as she trailed off the hunter stirred in her lap weakly turning himself so that he was looking up at her.
Reaching out a gentle shaking hand he swiped ineffectually at the tears on her cheeks as he verbalized for the first time out loud since his confession to Rick," I love her."
It was said simply, quietly, more a murmur than a declaration but, the power of the statement was not lost on Carol. It wasn't a past tense admittance of something that had been and was now gone it was an enduring affirmation of something that had been, still was, and would always be.
Carol's heart broke all over again as all her suspicions over the years were confirmed. Of all the people in the world who deserved happiness Beth and Daryl would top Carol's list. They were two of the most selfless, giving, good, loving people that she had ever known. But, as Daryl had predicted himself all those years ago the good ones never survive and it seemed they never got what they had truly earned in this life either. Carol had no illusions about herself. She had done some truly horrible things in her life and yet she'd been given the opportunity to come back from that, to find true love and to be happy. She knew she didn't deserve it but, yet here she was whole and hale watching this truly good man waste away before her very eyes.
Watching her intently with his too knowing eyes Daryl murmured softly as if reading her thoughts," You deserve to be happy. It's okay. I am okay," then after a moment intense emotion flooding his features," would you do something for me please?"
"Of course….anything," Carol rushed to assure him knowing how hard it would be for the proud hunter to ask for something.
Shaking under her hands, tears filling his cerulean blue orbs, he rasped," Take me to her. When it's all over I want to be with her," he paused practically begging, "I know it's a lot ta ask Carol but….please."
Outright sobbing now Carol clutched him to her as she vowed sorrowfully," Yes of course sweetheart. I promise. I promise that I will take you there."
Collapsing under her hands from sheer fatigue, the emotional toll of his request draining him as much as his inability to breath he rasped out," The mile marker it's…"
Shushing him softly Carol assured," I know darling I know. Just relax. You need to rest now."
Accepting her reassurances he curled into her seeking the comfort that only a true friend could provide in the moment as he breathed out in exhaustion," I am so tired Carol. "
"I know sweetheart," she soothed choking back her tears," just rest now. It'll all be over soon."
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The warm spring breeze ghosted over Carol ruffling her hair as she stood beneath the old majestic oak. Glancing across the field she saw Tobin leaning casually against the truck where she'd left him on the side of the highway. Patient and loving man that he was he'd assured her that she should take all the time that she needed, that he wouldn't rush her but, that he wouldn't allow her to come do this on her own. She'd left a sobbing Judith back at Alexandria wrapped firmly in her older brother's arms. Maybe she would bring her here one day when she was older, when it was safer but, for now she had a grave to mourn at in Alexandria. They had erected a headstone for Daryl right next to Rick's and held a funeral so that those who had loved the leader both within Alexandria and also from the outlying communities could come and say goodbye.
Daryl had gone peacefully in his sleep, as he had always wished for Beth, with Judith curled against his side and Carol holding his hand. Maybe in the end there was some justice in the world. The harsh winds of winter had fled the next day, almost overnight being replaced by the warm gentle breezes of spring. The day of the funeral had been mild and sunny almost as if Beth herself was casting her own gentle glow over the whole affair.
Judith had been inconsolable the first day locking herself in Daryl's now empty room with Beth's picture and journals and refusing comfort of any kind. Tobin bless his patient soul had sat outside her door long into the night, well after a frustrated Carl had given up, talking to her until she'd finally opened the door and thrown herself sobbing into his arms. She was getting better now. Slowly day by day she was coming back to herself. Beth's journals seemed to help, seemed to provide the greatest degree of comfort, as the young woman had not only chronicled her love for the child but, the hunters as well within the lovingly handwritten pages.
Carol knew it would be tough going for a while but, she also knew that Judith was tough, resilient, a true child of the apocalypse. Daryl had loved her and taught her to survive. She would go on to do just that. She was truly Lori, Rick, Beth, and Daryl's legacy to this slowly burning world. They had each contributed something special, the best parts of themselves, to ensuring that Judith made the world a better place. Judith had wanted to come, had begged and pleaded to come, and as much as Carol had wanted to appease her she had known that this was something she had to do alone. As Daryl had once had to attend to Beth by himself Carol had felt the need to complete this particular task unaided.
Daryl had asked this favor of her and her alone and the deeply personal nature of the request seemed to dictate the need for privacy. Daryl had always been a deeply private man and Carol had no doubt that he would wish this moment to be witnessed by the least amount of people possible. Yes one day she would bring Judith here but, today….today was about Daryl coming home to where he truly belonged, to where his heart had always been, and she was simply here as an unworthy observer.
Tears silently streaking down her cheeks as she clutched the canister in her hand Carol wondered belatedly if Daryl had chosen this spot all those years ago with this intended purpose in mind. She wondered if he'd always known that one day he would come back here. Offhandedly she wished she had thought to ask him before it was too late. Shaking her head to rid it of such useless thoughts she paused in unscrewing the cap to the canister to turn a full circle taking in the peace surroundings one last time. It was warmer here so much further south than home and the greenery of full spring was already on display. Bee's and butterflies drifted from wild flower to wild flower, birds chirped happily, the oaks brilliant green leaves rustled in the light breeze, and the water in the gentle stream bubbled as it swept smoothly over well-worn river rocks.
Raising the canister to her lips in a silent loving tribute Carol kissed it gently before tipping it and beginning to slowly spread the ashes over where she knew Beth laid. It wasn't her first choice to do it this way but, transporting a body this far in such an uncertain world was a risky thing. In the end as she completed this task this seemed the most fitting thing, the right thing, as the gentle breeze caught the ashes and distributed them evenly over the grave that Daryl had dug himself nine long years ago.
When it was finished she slowly screwed the lid back on the canister murmuring softly into the abyss, "You were always too good for this world too my darling boy," before raising two fingers to her lips and blowing a soft kiss to the memory of the man she had loved.
Turning slowly she began to long walk back to Tobin and the life that awaited her at Alexandria. The future was there and their family needed her. Raising a hand she softly touched the ivory cross that now hung around her neck. Daryl had carried the torch of remembrance for their family for years, keeping Lori, Rick, and Beth alive for Judith through stories, and objects, and lessons. It was her turn now, her turn to keep each of those amazing people a constant part of Judith's life, her turn to ensure the little girl never forgot the taciturn hunter who had opened his shattered barely beating heart up to a helpless toddler who had no one left to turn too.
Fingering the cross Carol mused that one day it would be Judith's turn to wear the simple piece of jewelry. One day she would be the one tasked with keeping the stories of those they'd loved and lost because no one was ever really gone as long as they were loved, as long as their memories were kept alive within the hearts of those who had been privileged to know and care for them.
Reaching the road Carol stepped willingly into Tobin's open arms. Softly he asked," Are you ready?"
Looking back over her shoulder towards the tall oak Carol smiled softly as she agreed," Yeah Daryl's home now. It's time for us to go home too," before reaching for the door of their truck.
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Sitting with his back propped against the tall oak behind him Daryl watched as Carol and Tobin climbed into their truck and drove away. As the sound of the engine faded the gentle sounds of nature flooded his senses as he tipped his head back to enjoy the feel of the warm spring sun upon his face. The sky was a brilliant cloudless blue and he was supremely glad that he'd gotten to experience the feeling of the sun gently warming his face one last time.
He was drawn from his inner musings by a soft gentle voice melodiously calling his name. He wasn't the least bit surprised by it and eagerly he climbed to his feet. Turning he saw her standing just a few feet away the brilliant sun reflecting off her golden hair her blue eyes sparkling with welcome.
"I've been waiting for you Daryl Dixon," she teased softly as she started towards him," it's about time you got here."
"Beth," he breathed softly finding his once still heart beating furiously against the cage of his chest.
"Of course," she laughed brightly, "were you expecting someone else? To be honest Merle thought he should get this honor but, I put him in his place. You taught me how to fight and I wasn't going to miss out on this. I already got denied one reunion wasn't gonna happen again," then propping her hands on her hips she queried gently," Did you miss me Daryl Dixon?"
His legs were moving before he'd even realized it. Catching her in his arms he pulled her warm solid form against him as he sobbed," I missed you so damn much Beth Greene."
Wrapping her arms around him she soothed gently," Hey shhhh sweetheart. It's okay. You're here now. This is supposed to be a happy time. I have it on good authority that there isn't any sorrow where we're going."
Pulling back from her he reached out to cup her face gently in his calloused hands as he declared passionately," I love you. I 've always loved you. I didn't tell you but, I need you to know."
Smiling at him softly she reached up to caress his cheek as she assured," I've always known that Daryl. Even when I was at Grady I knew." Then knowing that he wouldn't be the one to do it she lurched up on her tiptoes until she was tall enough to press her lips to his.
At first the startled hunter didn't respond but, then he was clutching her desperately against him as he kissed her back with equal passion. The kiss was a greeting, a reunion, and an affirmation of two souls finally reuniting to become the whole they were always intended to be.
Giggling Beth pulled away reaching for his hand as she trilled," About time. I think that is going to go down in history as the longest waited for kiss ever," smiling at him softly she assured," but, it was worth it. I'd wait another lifetime for that without complaint."
Then tugging at him gently she said," Come on we have to go now."
When the hunter hesitated turning to glance back over his shoulder towards the road she reassured lovingly," They're going to be okay Daryl."
"Yeah," he murmured gruffly worry clear in his tone.
"Yeah," she promised stepping up beside him and resting her head on his shoulder," You made sure of that. Carol will take care of them and Carl is going to become the leader you and Rick always hoped he'd be. Jude," Beth paused her pride in the little girl she'd loved so dearly shining through," she loves you so much Daryl and she's going to make you so proud you'll see."
"Will I," he questioned uncertainly.
"Of course," she assured him bumping his shoulder lightly with her own," I've kept tabs on you haven't I?"
"Have you," he asked curiously.
Intertwining their fingers she smirked," Every damn day. There were a couple of times I thought you might be getting here earlier than you were supposed to. About gave me a heart attack but," she paused leaning up to give him a quick peck on the cheek," here you are right on time."
Then tugging more insistently on his hand she prodded," Come on it's time to go. The others are waiting pretty impatiently. I am pretty sure Rick and Merle are having it out by now. I promised I'd bring you right back and they are both eager to see you."
Trusting her completely Daryl followed Beth for a few strides before asking in confusion," Where are we going?"
"To what comes after silly," the blonde grinned," I told you to have a little faith."
Still not sure he really understood what Beth was saying Daryl sought clarification even as his heart suddenly felt lighter than he could ever remember," What comes after Beth?"
Turning to him as they stepped into a blinding light all Daryl could focus on was Beth's face as she informed him serenely," Forever comes after Daryl. The hard part is done now. When it's all over forever comes and we get to be happy." Raising her hand to caress his cheek lovingly she added," No one earns forever Daryl but, if anyone has ever come close it's you. It's time to let all of that go. Do you trust me?"
"Always," the hunter vowed without hesitation.
"Then close your eyes and hang on," Beth commanded gently," I've been waiting a long time to show this to you. Now we have forever and I am never letting you go again."
The End