She was worried her heart was going to jump out of her chest; Kate stood there making her and Castle a cup of coffee, trying to steady herself for a conversation she had been ready to have since the day she'd laid eyes on him.
"Thanks." Castle said half heartedly, as Beckett handed him the cup of coffee.
"So.. what did you want to talk about?" Kate said, as butterflies took over her stomach.
Castle took a deep breath, trying to not let the pain and anger of the betrayal he had just discovered come to the surface. He could barely look at her, he couldn't for the life of him understand why she wouldn't just tell him that she didn't feel the same way.
"I.." Castle paused, trying to measure his words, not knowing how to say what came next.
" I just wanted to tell you that, I think this would be a good time for me to take some time off." Castle finally blurted out, the weight of his words weighing on both him and Beckett.
Beckett didn't say anything for a minute, trying to search his eyes for answers she couldn't find.
"Take some time off?" Kate asked, feeling like she had just been punched in the stomach.
"Yeah, I feel like I haven't gotten any writing done and Gina has been on my case for ages. Maybe some time would be good to for all of us to figure out what we want." Castle said, the bitterness seeping into his words.
"I didn't know there was anything to figure out." Beckett said, holding back all the things she has been dying to say.
There were so many things Castle wanted to say, things he knew would hurt her, things he felt she deserved in that moment. But even in his angriest, most hurt moment, he could never hurt her.
"I thought we could have farewell drinks at the Old Haunt tomorrow night, on me." He finally said, changing the topic.
Kate couldn't hide the confusion and disappointment she felt. She really thought this conversation would be about the two of them confessing their feelings for each other. But maybe it was too late, maybe even a man who loved her as much as Castle did could wait for only so long.
"Sound good." Kate said, trying to manage a smile but failing.
Castle just looked at her, trying to find it in his heart to stay.
"Goodnight, detective." He said and as he walked away from her, his heart sank. As much as Castle wanted to punish her, he couldn't help feel like he was walking away from all that had made his life worth living these past four years.
Kate didn't know what to do, she wanted so badly to tell him to stay, to have him know how much she loved him, how much she need him but words always seemed to fail her. She decided to do what she always did when she was lost, call Lanie.
"So he's leaving?" Lanie asked, as she poured Kate and herself a glass of wine.
This had come to become their little tradition, sitting in Kate's apartment, drinking wine and talking about their troubles.
"Yeah and I don't even know why." Kate said, a sadness taking over her.
"Maybe, he couldn't do this little dance anymore." Lanie said.
Kate shot Laine a look, she knew Laine was right but god did it hurt to think this was it.
"I don't get what changed." Kate said, after a moment.
"Maybe that was the problem." Lanie said.
"What do you mean?" Kate asked, confused.
"Maybe the whole problem is that nothing has changed between the two of you for the past four years. Maybe he wants more, Kate." Lanie said, trying to make her friend see what everyone had known for years.
"Then why wouldn't he just say something." Kate said, almost mad at Castle.
"The same way, you've said something." Lanie said.
Kate looked at Laine as if she had something completely ludicrous.
"Don't give me that look, you know you love him. It's about time that you tell him." Lanie said.
Kate wanted to argue, act as if none of it was true but she didn't want to hide it anymore.
"What's the point now, he clearly doesn't feel the same way." Kate said, a lump forming in her throat.
"Girl, you need to tell him, for your sake and his. The man loves you, he changed for you. He deserves to know how you feel about him." Lanie said, sipping her wine.
Kate wanted so badly to just tell Castle everything and have their happily ever after but she wasn't sure she was ready. She didn't think that she could tell him she loved him and then ask him to wait all over again. So, Kate decided to have her wine and hope and pray that tomorrow would be the day she would find it in her heart to tell him how she felt; hope and pray that she would find a way to make him stay.
The next day, Castle didn't come into the precinct, he texted Ryan saying he would meet them at the Old Hunt after they were done for the day.
Kate couldn't focus on anything all day, all she could think about was Castle. She kept staring at that empty chair next to her, knowing that not having him sitting there, making up ridiculous theories anymore, was more than she could bare.
Kate was visibly nervous as the walked into the bar, knowing that this could be the last time she saw Castle. The night went of like any other which seemed to hurt everyone even more. It was the last time all of them would go out like this, laugh like this. It really felt like the end of something.
Kate always made sure to not have too much to drink, trying to be responsible and dignified as always. But tonight, she decided to let go, what did she have to lose? The love of her life was leaving and she couldn't stop him, not without asking him to wait for something that may never happen. So she drank, drank like there was no tomorrow because the truth was that she didn't want to face a tomorrow without Castle.