Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters.
Under My Skin
(I wrote this while listening to the song "Under My Skin" by Mudvayne haha and hence used the title. Anyway Note: when reading this story, imagine Dean as Mr Derek Davies. Just random thoughts and words from one of the creatures that Sam and Dean come across)
I can feel you under my skin. Irritating me in your very filthy essence of your entire being. All the time, I feel you're watching me from afar, as unnaturally as a stalker. What is going on? Am I on surveillance for some reason? What have I done wrong? I'm positively certain that I am free from any sort of discrimination that would ultimately rule me out of any incriminating evidence. Nothing could possibly connect me with anything unlawful, despite my unnatural self and my nature, I am completely law abiding and would never do anything to harm others. But I'll tell you right now, at the very start, I don't blame you for suspecting me. I have a very dangerous mind. So dangerous that if another human being were to by some miracle find out what has been going on in the inner workings of this crazy mind, they would be so taken aback that I will be deemed inefficient as a human being, but ultimately the birth of an entirely new species. One that is void of good, one that is so terrifying that not even the very slightly corrupt beings of this world could possibly fathom the fraudulent life that I have lived all of my life.
You, however, are the worst sort of person that I have come across. Not because of your being, there is no intention in my words to praise you, rather there is no praise deserved on your part. Your presence is much too small of an existence to be worthy of anything, good or evil. Far from being corrupt and far from being pure, in my opinion as an expert, both the same distance being as far as I am to being pure. You must feel, more than anything… emptiness. Am I right? It sure is sad to be you, you are the one that I pity. However, the only reason I say you are the worst sort of person, is because you have incurred my wrath. And I just have to add, that people who have gone against me, have not breathed earthly air ever since so much as an insult to my being has been initiated. All of them prove to be insolent fools who have no other choice but to go against those they fear, but they don't know the reason to that fear. Unfortunately the sad truth is that this fear comes from their inability to understand, and that inability comes about because they have no will to support their concept of understanding. Knowledge is a very scary thing Derek. Especially when it's too vast for your understanding. There's one thing you have to understand, these days humans can be very fickle creatures. They fail to see reason, and just because they disagree with a certain aspect, they deem it unacceptable and have a completely different view on where their loyalties should lie. Wars break out, betrayals are made, and you would be familiar with wraths' being incurred. It's not a very pretty site, is it? Oh but you really wouldn't know much about that, would you? You're lucky Mr Davies. I'm a very patient woman. In actual fact I do not dislike you, you are not the most degraded person on an earthly planet, and you're not an awful creature or a disgrace to humankind. Oh each of these roles have already been fulfilled, and I have seen to it that justice was undertaken. In this world we need a balance, Mr Davies. It's just that the other side is unwilling to exterminate to keep a balance. It has been left unto me to keep us all alive. What do you think about that? Your seniors, the ones who sent you here, they know that I'm the ones keeping you humans alive right now, every moment of your agonising existence. You breathe fresh air on a daily and constant basis, because of me! There is no reason for me to do this, and no don't put your misconceptions of me into reconsideration. I have no heart, I have no soul, I have no means of feeling emotions other than hatred, vengeance, pain, sadness, anger and desire (mostly the desire to exact vengeance). I do not care about you filthy humans. Frankly, you and your people are filthy that I could easily scrape off the bottom of my shoe. So easily that if I were to step in my universe without thinking, I would be rid of you quicker than you earthly heartbeats. Would you like to know the painstaking truth of why I am helping your filthy population alive? Would you really like to know the annoying and sad truth? Oh Mr Davies, you're on the edge of your seat, make sure you don't fall off, will you. I wouldn't like to tell my story to someone on the ground, close to the dirt in the ground, I warn you… In my parlour, if you leave the comfort of your seat, it is close to exiling yourself. Choices Mr Davies. I'll give you a clue as to why I am still in an unfathomable (to the untrained eye) relationship with you humans. I may not have a heart, but I do feel.
You see Mr Davies, no matter whether you are human or another superior other-worldly creature, feelings are inevitable. What you feel with is the important aspect to control the effect and tone of your feelings. Take an example, if I had a heart, my feelings would be so great that your beloved and god-forsaken planet would have been destroyed by my hands many aeons ago. Do you know why it's still intact, and why I go even further to protect your people? Because I feel with something else… don't go getting weird ideas, human or creature I am a woman, so none of that, I'm having a serious conversation over here. What I'm talking about, is my brain, my wonderful, brilliant and vast brain. Able to do many things far beyond even the most adept human comprehension. Unlike a heart, the brain is an amazing part of the anatomy. It is the most important key to our survival and functions. The heart also, but not to an extent where it governs your very actions. The mind is intelligent, able to grasp situations, find logical solutions to problems and counteracting them. Able to rationalise actions that have been done to the person in question and act accordingly. And ability to understand. The heart does not have the ability to understand anything, it just feels. Purely feels. It feels hurt and pain, and will develop anger based purely on that. Vengeance follows, and soon after if you're powerful enough… you go crazy, so to speak. I know because everything that I am has stemmed from that. I've reiterated that I have no heart in my being, but that is not to say that I didn't have one in the past. From personal past experience it is evident that a heart can be a very heavy burden and can destroy a person, no matter how powerful they are, if they don't have a stronger mind to oppress it. Emotions created by the heart can be very hazardous to ones own health, and to those you care about when dealing with acts of betrayal. This is how my strong desire for vengeance came about Mr Davies. Yes, my vengeance against the one person I loved the most in the world. That person was a human, just an ordinary being with the most amazing qualities, I say amazing because you never know when he would turn around and stab you in the back. Then when you're lying on the ground in pain, he'll turn you over himself and stab you in the front, over and over again. That is the kind of first impression that was left upon me, that this was a human, but I loved him. But then you think, how could I have ever loved such a man? But this goes back to the heart, the heart does not think, it does not operate on logic, it does not care about rationality, Derek. This is a massive flaw in our design. Being of another race of people does not exempt me from that. It was a very trying time for me, and it was a very scary time for me (a feeling for which I have none of now, being scared). I had to face an immense battle with my so-called beloved traitor, we'll call him Satan. He gave birth to everything that I am today, because as a result of his untimely demise (which regrettable was not caused by me) had left my vengeance unsatisfied. I still had my heart, and it was an age (far too long for you to comprehend in human years), a deep slumber for my people. In that dormant sleep, it was anything but peaceful. I constantly fought wars inside my mind in that aching slumber. It is just that, a slumber, it is customary that we lay dormant for a period of about 50 – 100 years to preserve our being, and hence carry on our race. In this dormancy, we are unable to move, lie and rest in a certain chosen place, where our bodies, even if we willed it, wouldn't move an inch, we wouldn't be able to wake unless our leader willed it, until it was time. Despite the seemingly peaceful outlook and this brave façade, it really was a terrible time. My people had no idea, I am a dark horse to them, not to mention I was born with the skill at hiding absolutely anything I wished. During the eternal sleep, there was a major battle taking place within myself, my mind was constantly accelerating 180 billion neurons per second, just to stabilise my body, because if my body moved, everyone would wake, and if they did wake, much before we were ready, we would deteriorate almost instantly. I was tortured to no end, day after day without a beak. I felt very awake, my body could not move but I felt every craving that we are not supposed to feel in order to stop us from losing control. After breaking my sleep after about 10 years, but still maintaining not to move a muscle, I started to get hungry. Sustenance is not a necessity under deep slumber, but mine had broken. And I desperately needed to eat something, for I would definitely starve to death without fuel in my body, but I absolutely could not move a muscle. Instead I had no choice but to turn my concentration upon the battle at hand, it was more important and I had to, because if I didn't there was a possibility, and a great one at that, that I could be the one to destroy our entire race, just because I was hungry. So the battle had changed forms, this time it was many large beasts that I was fighting against in the middle of a ravenous sea, storm upon storm, many, many wet days slowly dragged on. Tiresome as it may have been, I had snuck into slumber, but I was struggling constantly. These battles with physical imagery in my mind were strenuating my heart, it ached to the point where I needed to move. It was uncomfortable. All these battles, however didn't make sense, neither did the pain lessen instead each time it changed forms it amplified in intensity and weight on my very being. But I realised something… it was something that my heart had created, shaped because it didn't understand the hurt that my "Satan's" betrayal had cost me. And now I was suffering because of it. I was being constantly tortured that I had no idea what was going to happen, but I was so determined to ensure the safety of my people, but was unsure of how long I could keep them unharmed. How long was it going to be until they all died? Vanished? Disappeared? How long till they were obliterated off the face of the universe, because of me? How long till I send us all to oblivion? Well at least they won't be around to blame me… but neither would I!
To be continued…