Don't ask.
I don't own Supernatural, or Dean, or Sam, or Cas, the Impala or even a box of tampons.
And it case it wasn't clear, this is CRACK. PURE, UTTER CRACK.
Cas stood in the empty aisle of the supermarket, clutching his pay as you go phone to his ear. "I do not understand what she wants me to do!" he exclaimed. "There are so many different assortments. Heavy flow, maxi-pads, wings? How can these products have wings? They are not angels of the lord. They are feminine products!" He threw up his arms, frustrated, dropping his phone in the process.
"Cas? CAS!" a voice on the other end of the phone shouted. "Is everything alright? CAS!"
"I am here, Dean. I dropped my phone in my frustration. Are you going to help me, or not?" He spoke into the phone, getting serious. "Dean, Belinda told me she was going to cut off my balls and hang them from the tallest tree she can find if I don't get her the right ones. Now, I am unsure what these 'balls' or are why they would look good decorating a tree but I am fairly confident that she was serious and that I want to prevent this from happening!"
Dean could hardly keep himself from breaking into laughter right then and there. "Hold on Cas. I think I know someone who'd be better at assisting you with your little problem. SAMMY!"
Sam made his way over to where Dean was sitting in the motel and gave him his best 'what are you up to' face. Because come on, it's Dean. "Here," Dean said, handing over the phone to Sam. "I think you can help him out with this better than I can. Welp, I'm going to go the get a burger. Back later!" And with that, he was gone, out the door, and speeding away in his Impala before Sam could even give him his 'I am unimpressed' face. Shaking off his confusion, he concentrated on the phone.
"Cas? What's the problem?" By this point Cas was fidgeting with the buttons on his trench coat and switching from one foot to the other. "I need help buying Belinda … feminine products. She said if I get her the wrong ones she is going to cut off my balls and string them up in a tree."
Sam covered the mouthpiece to his phone and shouted "DEAAAAANNN!" to nobody in particular. "What was that?" Castiel asked. "Nothing," Sam said, gritting his teeth. "Cas? Why don't you just buy all of them?"
"…I never thought about that. Thank you, Sam. You know, you aren't such a bad guy for someone who doesn't have a soul." And with that, he hung up.
Always such a master at goodbyes, Sam thought, annoyed at now both Dean AND Cas.
Back at the supermarket, Cas loaded up his shopping cart with every single box in the feminine care aisle and wheeled it up to the nearest cashier, who stared at him with wide, confused eyes.
"My girlfriend, she… She is very angry." He explained.
She pointed to the display rack beside him. "You may want to invest in a few of those," she warned.
"Will those prevent her from wanting to decorate trees with balls?"
"Um, no, probably not…" replied the cashier, with a confused look on her face. "But they will probably help you."
He picked up 3 boxes of band aids with little cartoon angels on them and checked out.
Uhh. So, I hope you enjoyed that. lol. Reviews give angels wings. No, not that kind. The kind that angels are SUPPOSED to have.