Please Don't Die
A Harry/Ellen songfic based around Ellen's death. Harry's perspective, song by Robbie Williams.
She's dead...Ellen, my Ellen, is dead! How could that be? She'd jumped through so many hoops in life, faced so many trials. She deserved happiness, she really did! Ellen Zitek, the inspiration to many, the key to my heart's solemn recovery, her kind and gentle heart has beaten its last.
I can't believe it, I'm devastated! What Ellen and I shared, it was something to envy. Although in her death, I cannot call myself her partner, that fell through a while ago. But the feeling's were no doubt there, and I became her platonic friend, a friend that stood in the shadows, desperately craving to be in the light, with her. An angel, my angel.
That's where she is now, heaven. Her body is just about warm, rapidly lowering its temperature until she's a ghostly cold body on a slab, just like the others.
But she's not just like the others, not Ellen. She always stood out in a crowd, her astounding ethereal beauty caught everybody's eye. She's special to me. Why else would I tenderly wash her after death? Tess insisted that the nurses could do it, but I wanted to. It was my final act of tenderness, a demonstration to all that I, Harry Harper had lost the woman I loved.
I left soon after, wanting to be alone...
Let me lie down
Please don't wake me
Nothings sacred
And no-one save me
And now here I am, in my office. The battered old sofa has never looked more inviting. Practically throwing myself down on it in a grief-stricken surge of emotions, with an air of self destruction about my movements, I closed my eyes. I could almost see her, bathed in a white auric light, dressed head to toe in white. She was perfect, an angel. No one can disturb me here, no one! At least they better not, they know better than to do that. Nothing's special to me anymore, life seems to have lost importance, I've lost enjoyment in life itself, and the little things that make it what it is. But Ellen was a big part of my life, and without her, it's lost it's sparkle.
In my black eye
I can feel it
Moving
Closer
Can't you hear it
My eyes are shut, all I can see is black when I'm not blessed with your image before me, your gentle smile lifting me out of grief and into envy. You're in a better place, a place so much better than the world you left behind. You're in heaven, where it's a perfect paradise. I'm almost jealous of that, but I'd condemn myself to hell to be beside you. Because when you're around, I feel like I can survive anything, like I'm indestructible, bulletproof, strong. Something's moving closer to me, the surging blackness which accompanies the phasing out of your image, descending into blackness. No! You can't go! The sweet music that plays in my mind changes, and the drums of chaos begin as you fade away. Please don't leave me.
The only gift you gave to me
Was self-fulfilling prophecy
I need to change the sounds
That shape my life
A self fulfilling prophecy, that fulfilled itself in the wrong way. It's Sod's law really, that a beautiful person, a beautiful soul like you should have to endure cancer. Even more cruel it was that once you'd recovered, you thought that it had returned. Fate couldn't leave you alone there, and you died because of being hit by a motorcycle as you desperately looked for a missing child. That describes you completely, it reveals so much about you. You can see it in the word you did at the ED, the way the children there smiled at you, and the way you related to them.
And if you die before I leave
What on earth becomes of me
Look around there's no-one here
To love me and hold me
It's too late to beg you to live, you're already dead! But what happens to me now that you've gone? What becomes of me now that you're not here? Who will love me, or listen to my every word, even when you never understood it? All I have to do is look around, and know that I'll never find a love like that again.
Take me
Dancing
I love music
Keep on
Singing
We won't lose it
I keep remembering that time when we were at the karaoke bar with almost the whole ED. Nina was about to leave, and with a little Dutch courage got up on stage and started singing. 'You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off you...' She really is a good singer, you always used to say that, but she used to blush and deny it. You and I sat together, and we were all singing, the whole team in an uproar of harmonies. Some of us weren't very good, but we didn't care. That memory will never be lost Ellen, my love, not as long as it lives in the minds of those there.
Picture
Me here
Missing no-one
If young hearts run free
Why can't we go on
I keep trying to. I try desperately to picture myself here, lounged over this sofa in grief, not feeling grief, not aimlessly wishing that you were here, not missing you, not wanting to cry. But I can't! I miss you more than words could ever explain, and we've only been apart for less than an hour. Your heart is young, so why can't it run free? I guess in a way it did run free, to heaven, away from me. Why did your heart desert you? Why did it stop beating? Why did you die? Go on to till they kick us out
We've everything to talk about
I could bring a song into your life
If you should die before I leave
What on earth becomes of me
Look around there's no-one here
To love me and hold me
There's no one here, no one that could beat you. I haven't even tried looking yet, it's too soon, but my heart knows the truth. No one can replace you or best you.
Maybe I've been away too long
I know I'm not always right but is that wrong
They say there's nothing I can do
But talk to strangers and wait for you
That's what I'll do. I'll wait around, because one day, one way you'll come back to me. You've been away for too long already, but one day you'll come back, I know it. You had everything to live for. Everyone will tell me that I can't bring you back, no one can, you're dead, it's impossible. But I will find a way, you will find a way, you always do. No matter how dire the situations, it always turns out okay, doesn't it?
If you should die before I leave
What on earth becomes of me
Look around there's no-one here
To love me and hold me
You should have outlived me by far! There were a fair few years between us, you certainly shouldn't have died before me. I feel guilty in a way, I'm here and you're not. And now there's no one here...
And if you die before I leave
What on earth becomes of me
Look around there's no-one here
To love me and hold me
Oooh ooh ooh!
There's no one here, and I don't want to even try looking, because it was always you...