A/N: This is Crack, naturally. Rated for language, some suggestive themes. Slight Light x L moment.

Set in the same AU as Paladin but you don't have to have read it to read this. Quick overview: Ryuk is possessing Light, Rem was possessing Misa and now is possessing Mikami, and Zellogi is possessing Naomi Misora.

*Tap* *Tap* (a skeletal claw comes in front of the camera)

Zellogi: Uh, hello, this thing on?

Rem: Okay. (*Displays a crudely handwritten sign: "Possessing Humans: A Guide to the Proper Care, Feeding, and Training of Your Human by Rem, Ryuk, and Zellogi."*) Right, this is a manual for Shinigami possessing humans that Ryuk, Zellogi, and I have come up with…

Ryuk (*clears voice, sounds as if reading off a script*): So you've decided to possess a human. Humans can make great pets…They are fiercely independent creatures…

Rem: They can be beautiful… or they can also be disgusting and insane…

Zellogi: …and completely assured of their self-importance.

Ryuk: Let's just say that they are contradictory, violent, and infinitely entertaining.

Zellogi: They are also short –lived.

Rem: …and it is sometimes sad to see them go.

Ryuk: That being said; don't get too attached to your human. The results could be potentially lethal.

Rem: Unlike Shinigami, most humans require sleep to function.

Ryuk: Though one notable exception to this rule seems to be the human named L Lawliet

Zellogi: They also require food. However they can feed themselves.

Ryuk: …and if they can't it's not your problem.

Rem: Besides, our food makes them sick.

Zellogi: Right-o, Cleaning.

Ryuk: Your human is perfectly capable of cleaning itself. Indeed it is likely to become irritable if you try to help.

"Ryuk! Get the fuck out of the shower!"

Rem: Hmm let's see other care tips…

Ryuk: Here's something I've observed if you "play" with your human in the right way, they will bring you back presents… like apples!

Zellogi: Or blankies!

Rem: Or whatever else you could want or require. Teru gets me this gothic romance series that Misa used to read…

Ryuk: Ooh, can I see that when you're done? It's got an apple on the cover!

Rem: …and next up mating

Ryuk: For some reason, your human will get upset with you if you attempt to watch or film this process…

"OUT! NOW!"

"huh huh… wha—Light-kun?"

"Huh? Oh nothing, Ryuuzaki…"

Zellogi: …and as you can see they can do pretty much anything that we're forbidden from doing… it's a shame, really.

Ryuk: Oh and another thing that I've noticed… human females tend to be just as violent as Shinigami females…

Rem: Say that again, and I'll rip your wings off.

Zellogi: Moving on…

Ryuk: Finally, the most important detail, in order to possess your human you need to give them a Death Note.

Rem: A word of caution, though. If you give your human a Death Note they tend to get really into it…

Ryuk: Here we have a rare treat for you; using our hidden cameras (formerly the property of one L Lawliet) we have recorded this behavior in progress.

Zellogi: So now sit back and enjoy the soothing sounds of human Death Note owners in their natural habitat:

"You have escaped justice for far too long!"

"Vengeance. IS. MINE!"

"*Giggle, snort* MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"All who oppose Kira shall die!"

"DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

"BOOYAH! I AM GOD motherfuckers!"

Rem: So you see, given the sample we have to work with it's hard to say if all humans are insane or if it's just the ones that come into contact with us...

"Onii-chan! Have you seen my camcorder?"

Ryuk: Uh oh, looks like we have to wrap this up. Until next time…