Surviving

I know that this is probably the 100th ( or more) fanfic about the aftermath of the gripping, intense season 6 finale. All the other fanfics I've read have been wonderfully written. But I just can't refrain, I just have to write one for myself. :P

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in Greys. Shonda does.

I take a look at the pregnancy test in my hands. 'Pregnant' it read in bold, big letters, as if mocking me. Suddenly, the test which gave me so much hope for the future, the result which totally made my day, isn't significant any longer. I dump it into the rubbish bin, throwing away with me all the happiness I felt when I first saw the positive result. So much for hope. Today, I learnt the lesson that hopes and dreams can be dashed in an instant..

' Meredith, Derek is asking for you…' Cristina appears in the locker room.

I thank her silently by smiling back wearily at her. I don't know how to repay back my best friend. She saved my husbands life literally, with a gun pointed at her head. How many best friends actually risk their lives to save your husband?

I walk slowly down the darkened silent corridors of the hospital. The hospital which used to be bustling with activity, with nurses and doctors and medical assistants running about doing their daily activities, was now eerie and quiet, with no sign of any life or activity at all.

When I finally reach Derek's room in the ICU, I stand at the door, leaning on the doorframe for support. The sight before me made my head spin. There my dear husband was, lying so pale and so lifeless on the bed, with IV drips and monitoring machine all hooked up to him. A packet of blood is being transfused into him as well. He had lost a lot of blood and had gone into hypovolaemic shock, but after the initial resuscication measures which were carried out, he is now stabilized. I had never seen him in this state before, so vulnerable, so sick, it scares me. The dark and twisty Meredith would have run far away, and pretended that all this didn't happen, that all this is just a bad dream. But this new Meredith knows that she has to be strong, and be there for her husband, as he needs her support and strength in times like these.

I gather the courage to slowly walk across the room towards his bed. This is something which I am not familiar with….being a family member of a patient in the hospital. Of course, my mum and my dad both had been admitted in this hospital before, but this is something totally different. No amount of training in medical school, during internship or residency prepares you for this… having your loved one lying on the hospital bed, being at the mercy of other medical staff. Usually, I am a resident taking care of a patient, and trying to feel sympathy for their loved ones who stay by the bedside day and night. Now, the role is reversed, and I am the loved one, who is hoping and praying to God or to any power above, to save their loved one, to restore their loved one to health.

I gently take his right hand and hold it tightly in mine.

' Derek…..I'm just so glad that you're alive. You gave me such a scare in the OR room. Please don't do that to me ever again… please do not leave me, do you hear me? I can't live without you' I whisper to him, meaning every single word I say.

I think he can hear me, because he chose that very moment to stir and slowly open his blue eyes to look at me.

'Mer….' He croaked, his voice hoarse.

'Derek' I am so glad to see him awake.

' Meredith' he squeezes my hand which is still holding his tightly. I smile to myself, glad that he has not lost function of his right hand.

He struggles to speak again, but I shush him.

'Shh….it's ok…you don't need to talk Derek, you have to rest and conserve your energy to recover….'

He stops fighting to speak, but he doesn't let go of my hand.

' Derek, remember in our post it vows, we promised each other 'no running' and to 'always stand by each other no matter what?' 'Well, this is it….I am not running….I am not going anywhere, Derek' I say firmly.

He squeezes my hand in reply.

Suddenly, he has a coughing fit, which lasts for a whole minute…he is coughing out blood, which I know isn't a good sign.

I press the call button at the head of his bed, telling myself not to panic.

My best friend Cristina is in the room in an instant.

' What's wrong? Is he ok?' she asks, concern evident in her voice.

' He's coughing out blood…' I sigh…

' It's his lungs Mer….the bullet injures his lungs too, causing his lungs to rupture. His XRays showed that he has haemothorax and pericardial tamponade, which explains why he is having haemoptysis.' she explains to me sadly. 'We had inserted a chest tube into him to drain out the tension pneumothorax...'

'In English, Cristina….' I say. 'I am not in the mood to be a surgeon today….just speak to me in layman terms please….just like how you would speak to a family member of a patient….'

' He has bleeding in his lungs, and his heart is ruptured….' Cristina says simply.

Her brief and straightforward statement was followed by a tense moment of silence.

Suddenly I let out a sob. I can now feel the tears pooling in my eyes.

'Mer?' Cristina asks concerned.

I don't answer her. Instead, I let out another sob, and yet another, until I am sobbing uncontrollably, with tears rolling freely down my cheeks.

Without saying a word, Cristina pulls me close to her and hugs me tight. This is a big deal coming from her, as she is not the type of person who gives hugs.

' What did we do to deserve this Cristina? One moment we are happy, and about to start a family, and I was about to tell him the good news that we are supposed to be parents….And now we have lost our baby and he almost lost his life…' I sob. 'And I almost lost you too' 'What did we do to deserve this?'

' It's not our fault' she says still holding me tight. ' It's no one fault. Things happen for a reason. It's life, there is nothing we can do to prevent it. Now, all we can do is to wait, and hope…'

' And pray' I add silently.

Derek is now fast asleep again, being sedated with a high dose of morphine to relieve his pain. Cristina has recorded his vitals, and he is currently stable, although they are still closely monitoring him. Cristina has just left the room, not before reminding me to page her stat when Derek shows any alarm signs. Owen, according to her, is doing fine, and I had done a fine job with the stitches, she said.

I lock myself in the bathroom of his room. I turn on the shower and stand beneath it, letting the water run freely and clean me from whatever blood stains are left on my thigh.

I can see the blood seeping into the drain, just like menstrual blood, but I know that it is not. The cramping has reduced and the blood now gone, but the dull ache in my heart remains. The little miracle that Derek and I have created together is gone forever. I could cry again, but my feelings are numb right now.

Mr. Clark is pointing the gun straight at me again. This time, there was no Cristina to stop him from shooting me and telling him that I'm pregnant. This time, it is just me and him, and I am closing my eyes, waiting for the bullet to take my life.

Just then, I am startled awake by the ringing of my handphone. Derek stirs beside me, but he falls back into his sleep.

The caller ID reveals that it is my sister.

' Lexie?'

' Mer…where are you!' she sounds frantic.

' I'm in Derek's room…..taking care of him…'

' Derek is injured? Is he ok? Did the shooter get him?'

' He has been shot…but he is stable now…'I reply calmly..

' Oh God…Oh God…' came the frantic voice at the other end of the line.

' Lexie, calm down….' it's ok….'

' No, it's not ok….Alex has been shot….'

' What? Alex has been shot!'

' Yes…..he's stable now, Mark and I are taking care of him….'

I remain silent. Now my good friend is also injured.

' Mr. Clark he pointed a gun at me….' she says shakily. 'He almost shot me, Mer'

I decide against telling her that I also had a gun pointed at me, and that I had lost something precious to me. It would set her into a further panic.

' Shh….it's ok Lex, it's ok… Do you want to come over? I'm at Room 130 in the ICU. Mark can take care of Alex..,and I'll visit him later on…'

Moments later, both of us sisters are hugging each other tight and sobbing in each others arms, sobbing for all the dead and injured colleagues and friends,mourning for the innocent lives lost, and wondering if life in Seattle Grace Hospital will ever be the same again. Together, we make our way to Derek's bed and hold his hands. At least we still have each other, and although it will be a long journey of recovery ahead, we know that somehow we will survive. Somehow we will make it.

So what do you think? Reviews and comments are very welcome! : )