Disclaimer: Not mine
AN: This is the sequel to Inferno (please read it first) and here's the thing. I have written three and a half chapters and it's a slow process. I don't normally post stories as I write but I felt I needed some feedback. If you promise to be patient as I write this one, I promise to have regular updates.
...from the ashes...
A year on...
In the early hours of a warm summer Saturday morning, Mac stirred once again as an unsettling feeling washed over her. It was the same feeling which had woken her each morning for the past week and one which left her keyed up all day.
Blinking a few times in the pale light of the bedroom, Mac took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind; it didn't help. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to pretend she was asleep; it didn't help. She took a dozen deep cleansing breaths and, once again, it didn't help.
Before long an arm snaked around her waist and pulled her back flush against the warm body behind her. While it was very comforting and calming for her, it didn't encourage sleep. Soon, a kiss was pressed to her head and then another one.
Finally, came the voice.
"Bad dreams again?" Harm asked, holding her tighter.
"Nah," she said with a sigh. "Same one."
"It's been worse this week, hasn't it?" he questioned, propping himself up on his elbow and peering over her shoulder.
"Aha," she agreed. "I guess with tomorrow being the anniversary it's on my mind more."
"Want to talk about it?" he asked, tugging her around to be face to face.
"Do you?" she countered.
Harm kissed her forehead before caressing her face.
"Despite its horror," he whispered, "I have to say it was the most positive turning point of my life."
"Why?" she questioned, her hand snaking behind his neck and holding tight.
"Because it made me stop and take stock and look at what's important to me," he answered. "And after that, I was able to admit openly what I had been denying for too long – that I was ...I am...in love with you. And with the courage such close encounters inspires, I was able to tell you... and, twelve months on, look at how far we've come.
Mac smiled slowly before snuggling in close. She closed her eyes and thought back through the events of the previous year...
...
After visiting the Medical Centre in San Diego the day after the fires in Hemingway Mountain, Harm was given ten days medical leave. Mac was also checked out thoroughly and given three days leave. During those three days, Harm and Mac stayed pretty much under Trish's version of 'house arrest'. Neither were permitted to assist with or do any task she could do herself. This included preparation of all meals, the dishes, the laundry, making the beds, and the like. She did permit them to shower, dress, eat and rest.
Over the course of the 72 hours, she answered their calls, refused to wake them when Cresswell called while they were napping, and only allowed them move from the house when it was to go to the doctor or onto the back porch.
When Mac was given her clearance to resume duties after the three days, Trish took it upon herself to phone General Cresswell herself and negotiate a delay in Mac's return. Her argument was that though Mac was medically fine, her support in Harm's recovery was imperative – given how close they had come to losing each other.
Whether or not it was his own idea, or the fact that a marine's "mommy" had actually called him about her return to work, or Trish's negotiating manner, Cresswell agreed to an additional seven days. He had then, following Trish's explicit instructions, called Mac, asked what the doctor had said and told her he was giving her the additional time – all without mentioning Trish.
During those extra days, Trish still didn't allow Mac to do anything but the bare essentials. For too long, there had only been she and Frank and she was taking every precious moment she had to spoil these two to do so.
"Harm?" Mac said, as she turned over in her bed, five nights after the fire, to find Harm lying on top of the covers watching her.
"Hey," he replied, with a smile. "Did I wake you?"
"No," she answered. "What's up?" she asked, sitting up in the bed.
After the first night they had taken to sleeping in their assigned beds each night, although they did continue to share a bed during their afternoon naps. Therefore, at 0534, Mac was concerned that he had appeared in her bed.
"Just some bad dreams," he said, folding his arms behind his head.
"Want to talk about them?" she asked, having had her fair share of them in the past few nights.
"Nah," he said, "Just wanted to be with you. Is that okay?"
"Sure," she replied. "How about you get in properly?" she said, moving over.
"Are you sure?" he checked again.
"Come on," she encouraged. "I wouldn't mind the company either."
"Aren't you sleeping well, yourself?" he questioned as he stood and pulled back the covers before crawling in alongside her.
"I'm falling asleep alright," she replied, rolling over to face him.
"But?" he prompted, rolling over to face her.
"But then I'm waking a few times and it takes forever to go back to sleep," she said honestly.
"Yeah, know the feeling," he said with a sigh.
Soon, Mac settled back down in the bed and Harm followed suit. Under the covers, Mac's hand sought out his and laced their fingers together before squeezing it. Nothing was said and soon both of them were asleep.
When neither of her charges had appeared for breakfast by mid-morning, Trish took up a cup of tea to Mac, hoping the late stay in bed meant she was getting some much needed sleep. Knocking quietly, before she opened the door, Trish grinned when she saw Mac and her son curled up together under the covers. While she was the first to admit she didn't understand the exact nature of their relationship, she knew that so long as they had each other all was right with the world. Backing out, Trish closed the door before heading back down the stairs.
The peacefulness of their slumber was shattered when Mac stirred half an hour later, and being in her own sleepy haze, yawned and stretched and in the process kneed Harm right in his thigh; the same thigh which had more stitches than she wanted to acknowledge. The sudden jolt of pain caused Harm to flinch violently and emit a strangled yell which he tried to smother with the pillow.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry," Mac repeated as she jumped up, suddenly fully awake and realising what she'd done.
"'Sokay," he said, as his hands found Mac's face. "Really...it's okay."
Pulling away, Mac drew back the covers to see any damage she may have caused. It made her feel physically ill to realise his wound was bleeding.
"Oh, god, Harm," she said, watching as the red stain crept through the dressing.
"Mac, Mac," he called, tugging her arm when he realised he had completely lost her attention. "Sweetheart, Mac, come on, look at me," he begged as she stood there with tears streaming down her face. "It's okay...it doesn't hurt that much...honestly."
Very slowly, Mac raised her eyes to meet his. Watery brown ones met glassy blue ones as both struggled with their emotions.
"I don't understand why we do this ..." she said in a lost and confused voice.
"Do what?" he asked, moving across the bed to be closer to her.
"This!" she said, using her finger to gesture between the two of them.
"What this?" he questioned, truly bewildered by her reaction.
"You and me or rather me and you...just keep hurting each other...just keep getting it wrong...just..." Anything else she was going to say disappeared when the bedroom door opened and Trish poked her head in.
"Everything okay in here?" she questioned; her eyes darting between them both.
"Yes, mom," Harm replied. "We just need a few minutes."
"Your leg's bleeding, Harm," she said, moving towards him.
"It's fine, mom," he said, "Please...we just need a few minutes."
"Sarah?" she questioned, not too sure what to make of things.
"Mom," Harm answered for her. "Please."
Trish nodded slowly before heading back to the door. "Call me if you need me."
Harm climbed out of the bed, ignored the pain and blood on his leg and made his way around to where Mac was standing. Standing well within her personal space, Harm kept his hands by his side, not sure what to do with them.
"Talk to me," he said quietly. "Tell me what you meant."
"I meant...I meant..." Mac struggled to start her explanation. "Harm...why do we keep hurting each other...physically, emotionally? Just when everything seems to be getting better between us, one of us does something to set things spiralling into oblivion again," she said as she absently backed away from Harm and ended up cornering herself. "I just don't get it...I don't!"
As Harm stepped forward once more, Mac leant back on the wall and found herself trapped between it and him.
"Mac..." he said softly, trying to work out a way to take away every ounce of pain he saw in her eyes. Then he decided to just go with the honest truth and lay it all on the line. "I don't know," he started, trying to keep eye contact with her. "But it's been something I've wondered about myself, especially lately. We seem to be getting better at putting ourselves into a position to explore this relationship and then one of us screws up...I did it that first night at the cabin, I know that."
"And instead of talking to you, which I should have, I ran and look at the damage I did," she said, gesturing to his leg. "And then when we came to an understanding of exploring things I go and do this...cause you more pain."
"This was an accident," he said, pointing to his leg. "You weren't even awake," he said, reaching out and holding her hands in his.
"But it's always something," she said, sorrowfully. "Why can't it be simple?" She closed her eyes and banged her head against the wall several times. "I've had enough. Why can't we just admit we love each other and have a normal relationship like everyone else?" she said, not really noticing she'd said it aloud.
"Admit we love each other?" Harm echoed, studying her face.
Mac opened her eyes and the realisation of her words struck her. Damn! She couldn't even do that right. Slowly, she slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor, her head resting on her knees. Harm found sinking to the floor difficult with the tugging it caused on his stitches but he did it anyway. Right now, Mac's emotional pain was more important than his physical pain.
Settling alongside her, Harm leant back against the wall and hooked an arm across her back and tugged her closer. He knew the impending moment was going to be the turning point of his life, of their lives, and he didn't want to say anything which would destroy the tiny bud of 'togetherness' they were nurturing.
When ten minutes had slipped by and Mac still hadn't spoken, Harm bent down and planted a kiss on the back of her head.
"There is nothing I want in this world more than what I want for you, Mac. I want you to be happy. I want you to be healthy. I want you to have everything your heart desires. I want it to be me you spend the rest of your life with. I want it to be me you love. I want it to be me you come to when you are sad or troubled. I want you," he declared in a hushed but firm tone.
Gradually, Mac turned her head and looked at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
"I'm not sure if you're ready to hear this, Mac," he said, caressing her face. "But I love you. I am in love with you..." His thumb swept across her cheek to take away her tears. "Have been for a long time...will be forever."
For a moment, Mac contemplated his words trying to comprehend his words. When she realised he was being honest and not just saying it because of the situation they were in, she sat up and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tightly.
"I love you, Mac," he whispered, before kissing her ear. "So very much."
Mac held on even tighter making it difficult for Harm to breathe. Normally, he'd have scooped her up and into his lap but, with his injury, that wasn't possible. So, he sat there with her, and rubbed her back and waited for the wave of emotion she was riding to dissipate.
When he felt her grip loosening, he kissed her head, then her forehead, then her nose.
"You don't have to say anything, Mac," he said, their noses touching. "I just thought it was about time I said it...and about time you heard it. You were right and I've had enough too. I don't know why we couldn't get it right in the past. I don't know why we sabotaged us before we had a chance..."
"I screwed it up for us, didn't I?" Mac said tearfully.
"No, you didn't," he reassured her.
"I did," she replied, gesturing to his leg and all it implied.
"Fine," he said with a nod. "You screwed up this time."
This conversation was about being honest and if brutal honesty was what it took to get them through this that's what he'd do. "But I have screwed things up for us before, so don't think you have done it all on your own."
"When?" Mac asked, even though she knew. After all, she'd lived through it each time. Each one putting more scars on her already battered heart.
"The first biggest screw up was in Sydney," he said. "I should have left you in no doubt that I wanted you and loved you...yes, loved you, back then. Instead, I hurt you and look what that resulted in..." He meant her relationship and near marriage to Mic Brumby but he wasn't prepared to mention the man's name. "And I screwed up with Renee and I know the timing was bad with her father dying when you needed me ... and I needed you...but I screwed up in the way I handled that whole situation. And I screwed up when you went to the Guadalcanal. You asked me what I was prepared to give up but left before I could tell you. I should have gone after you and made you listen, made you understand that I would give up everything for you...and I screwed..."
"I get it," Mac said tearfully. "You screwed things up too."
"I did," he said. "But it never stopped me caring about you...loving you."
"Why do we do it then?" she questioned. Through everything she'd lived though in her dysfunctional life, nothing hurt as much as when things went wrong between herself and the man in front of her.
"I don't know...maybe because we're both screwed up," he said honestly. "I mean..."
"I know what you mean," she said, 'screwed up' explained them well.
"So, how do we know that if we give us a chance that we're not going to cause more hurt than good?" she questioned and the fact she had to ask broke his heart.
Harm didn't really have an answer. If he did he would have advocated it years ago. Knowing he needed to say something, he drew a deep breath.
"I don't have the answer," he said honestly. "But I am willing to work it out with you."
"How?" she questioned. "Neither of us are exactly experienced at functional relationships."
"Then we find someone who can help us," he answered.
"Someone like whom?" Mac asked. "A counsellor? A therapist?"
"Yeah, why not?" he replied, not really believing it was himself advocating therapy.
Mac shrugged; she wasn't a fan of counselling in the least but did continue to see Commander McCool from time to time. She knew Harm hated talking about his feelings to anyone, let alone a paid professional. Still, he was doing a great job of it right now and maybe, just maybe, a little help was all they needed to be able to put the pain and hurt of the past behind and create something spectacular.