She felt empty, unsatisfied, like nothing had really happened. She should have been relieved, happy in a sense but she couldn't.
Thomas Volker was in prison now, he couldn't hurt anyone, not anymore, then why did she feel like that? Maybe because a woman under her protection had died, maybe because she should have stop him before or maybe because she had played dirty to reach her goal, she could barely recognize herself and this was scary.
Her mum had always told her that she had to fight with all her strengths to get what she wanted, the problem was, she didn't know what she wanted anymore.
She always believed in justice, God she was the paladin of justice, but this case seemed to have changed everything.
She wanted to go home and sleep, hoping to feel better in the morning but she didn't want to stay alone, not tonight because if this was a victory, she needed someone to celebrate it with her .
The truth was she needed someone to make her feel this right, to help her understand that she couldn't have done anything more.
She couldn't simply pick a random man in a bar or one of those agents that seemed so thrilled to offer her a drink, she wanted someone that could understand her condition, someone that was able to stay in silence all the night but next to her because maybe she needed only this, simply solace.
She needed Jane, even if was quite scary to admit it.
Funny how she needed comfort from a man that had always believed in vengeance among justice, maybe she was really changing after all.
She was tired to act calm on the outside, pretending that everything was fine, she needed to be herself, to scream all her rage, all her fears, she needed someone.
Jane found her on the couch in her office, absorbed in her thoughts, eyes closed but awake judging by the nervous movement of her foot against the floor. She was tired and emotionally exhausted but she was still in her office refusing to go home.
Something was off, he could see that, maybe because he had been worried for her during all these days,
he didn't want that this Volker case became a sort of obsession for her, for his little rock that seemed always to watch the world from a cloud, acting calm like nothing affected her.
The problem was he perfectly knew her, he knew that she was staying there only because she didn't want to stay alone that night.. like he perfectly knew how difficult had been for him to keep the distance from her in these last days, especially thinking about Volker's slimy voice commenting her charm or about all the nights she had spent blaming herself for the death of that woman.
He had wanted to hug her, to hold her and to never let her go, but he knew that this case was too important to her and that she wanted to solve it alone, with his help of course but without betraying any kind of fear or weakness.
He entered the room eventually, ready to do everything in his possibilities to make her feel better without betraying any kind of his own feelings, as always.
He was used to do this, sadly.
"There you are, miss brave heart, are you planning to fall asleep on this couch?"
She opened her eyes, startled from the intrusion.
"Jane, do you mind announce your presence like a normal person in the future? You scared me."
"Sorry grumpy, seriously though, why are you still here?" He asked.
"I was trying to relax before you interrupted me." She answered him trying to hide how pleased she was for his presence.
"You could perfectly relax at home on your own couch and with a decent glass of wine, don't you think?"
"I'm fine here." She answered tiredly
"Liar." He teased her.
She didn't reply and busied herself playing with the fringes of the pillow she was holding.
Jane touched briefly her hand catching her attention, "Lisbon, look at me.. how do you feel?"
She stared back at him contemplating her answer, "Do you want the truth?"
"Well it's not like I wouldn't call your bluff anyway." He smiled at her.
"Fine, I don't know how I'm feeling, honestly Jane, I thought to feel better at this point, relieved in a sense but the truth is I can't feel nothing, nothing good at least."
"Why Lisbon? You put a sociopath in prison and saved a little boy's life.. you kept working on this case despite everything and you reached your goal in the end."
"Yes and an innocent woman died because I couldn't protect her." She replied sharply.
"Lisbon Lisbon, do you realize that I'm telling you the same exact things that you keep telling me each time after a Red John's case? It wasn't your fault and you perfectly know it."
They stayed in silence for a while before Jane started to speak again,
"this is not what is really bothering you Lisbon, am I right?"
God she hated him or maybe she loved him, she hadn't decided yet.
"Yes you're right.. look the fact is, I can't recognize myself, I did things that I shouldn't have but I also enjoyed doing it and now I'm here unsatisfied because the man I chased for months will end up in a prison and God only knows how things will be in the end. "
"What are you saying Lisbon? Would have you preferred to kill the bastard instead of putting him in prison?" He perfectly knew that she didn't want that but he wanted to let her talk, to make her feel that she wasn't alone.
"God Jane, no.. I don't know, I mean I'm only thinking that I don't know how I would have reacted if Volker had hurt one of the person I care about, what if he had killed one of my brothers or one of the team.. or you.. I would have been so controlled? I don't know and this is scary.. it's like this case made me doubt about who I am."
She was fighting back the tears at this point and he obviously noticed it, he wanted to reassure her, to make her feel better but for once he didn't know what to say.
"Lisbon, I'm not the perfect person to talk about this kind of things you know, but you had always believed in justice, it's who you are, don't be so affected by a single case, you're stronger than this and you know it."
"I know, I think I'm only saying nonsenses I'm sorry.. I should probably go home anyway."
She stood up quickly from the couch hiding how unhappy she was to leave.
"Lisbon, wait." He grabbed her hand then and pushed her against him, resting his hand on her back without letting her go.
She was surprised by the contact at first but decided to not pulling back. She rested her head on his shoulder enjoying his embrace and the gentle dance he was making with his hands on her back.
He eventually whispered in her ear: "I'm proud of you, you know? You should be proud of yourself too."
She replied putting her arms around him making him realize how much she needed these words.
"Thank you, Jane."
She stepped out of his embrace smiling at him but the truth was she wasn't ready to leave him, not yet.
"You should get some sleep now." He said.
"Yes you're right.. good night Jane." She smiled at him one last time.
"Night Teresa." He answered softly.
She was almost out of the door when she couldn't stop herself,
"Jane, do you want to eat something at my place?" She asked shyly.
And then there was silence, long utter silence.
Oh God Teresa what have you done? Wait, it's not like they hadn't eaten together before, but maybe that was too much, she wanted to dig a hole in the ground and hide her head inside it like some kind of ostrich.
Jane was enjoying too much her internal struggle to reply immediately, she was too adorable.
He would have accepted her invitation in the end even if he had promised to himself long ago to try to keep the distances from her as much as possible but tonight he couldn't deny her anything, he didn't want to.
"Sorry Jane, this is a stupid idea it's that I didn't want to stay alone tonight, I know I'm silly it's that.."
"I'd love to Lisbon." He said, hiding his amusement .
"What?" She was confused now.
"I said I'd love to have dinner with you at your place."
"Oh.. good, let's go then."
"Let's go, indeed." He smiled his brighter smile at her and led her outside her office, his hand on the small of her back, as always.