150 Questions
The TV sparked on to reveal a girl with bright red hair standing there, holding a microphone cheerfully at her mouth and staring straight at the camera. It wasn't the girl that people were looking at, though. It was the dark-haired boy in the chair behind her, sulking.
"Hello and welcome to the Konohagakure Friday Night Show, Christmas Edition!" The girl cheered. "My name is Kozue and I'll be your host for tonight! As you girls in the audience have probably noticed, I am here tonight with none other than top of his class and teenage heartthrob Sasuke Uchiha. Say 'hello' to your adoring public, Sasuke-kun!"
Sasuke glanced up at the camera with a smoldering look. Kozue cleared her throat and her smile widened.
"Anyway, tonight the show may run a little long because we are going to have our own little 20 questions game, but with Sasuke Uchiha and 150 questions all entered by girls from around Konoha! Counting down and starting at question number 150, this question was entered by 'Your Biggest Fan.' Are you ready for the first question?"
Sasuke began to answer, but Kozue cut him off.
"Of course you are," she said cheerily. "I have something for you, Sasuke-kun, here you go; I do hope you'll wear it for me, won't you?"
Kozue danced over to Sasuke's chair and then dropped something over his head. The white pom-pom on the end of the bright red Santa hat swung back and forth over Sasuke's dark, calculating eyes. He didn't say a word. Kozue grinned and sat down next to him on the arm of the chair, causing Sasuke to reel back in terror.
"Your turn, Santa," she crooned. "I've been a good girl this year, just so you know. Anyway, first question, here we go! Sasuke; what kind of bib did you wear when you were little?"
"What kind of question is that?" Sasuke demanded, trying to tear off the Santa hat. Kozue put a hand on his head, holding it on firmly, as she leaned closer and stuck the microphone in his face.
"A perfectly lovely one," she replied. "Come now, Sasuke – don't be shy. Did it look like this one?" Kozue picked up a striped candy-cane colored bib, waved it in the air momentarily, and threw it aside without waiting for Sasuke's answer. She lifted another one into the air. "Or this?" she asked cheerfully. Sasuke opened his mouth, but the bib was gone as quickly as it had appeared.
"Did it look like this?" Kozue asked, picking up a little bib that read 'This is what handsome looks like.' Sasuke scowled. Kozue tossed it aside and sighed. "You know what, I left it at home. My graveyard bib, can you believe it? I can't believe I actually left the one I needed at home. You wore a graveyard bib when you were little, didn't you? Of course you did. Now, ready for question number 149? We're only down by one!"
Sasuke steeled himself.
"This is a question entered by 'Anonymous; Love U!' and reads, 'Sasuke, darling, what kind of flowers are your favorite?'" Kozue read. The microphone danced back to Sasuke.
"Well," Sasuke began. Kozue yanked it back.
"Lilies, right? I'd totally guess Belladonna Lilies, the white ones that people use for funerals. You strike me as a kind of dreary person, so lilies would definitely be your thing. Don't worry, you'd look fantastic with lilies, I say! Now, are you ready for question number 148? It's a whopper!"
"How did you get me here in the first place, again?" Sasuke wondered aloud.
"Trivial," Kozue sang. "Now this question has been asked by fifteen different girls in Konoha, which is why it's a simply marvelous question! Everyone would like to know this, I think, so do answer honestly. It's short, straight, and to the point, so it shouldn't take too long to answer. I sure hope you can find it in yourself to answer, Sasuke, because this is very important. Are you ready? Okay. Boxers or briefs?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the shrieking started in the neighboring buildings where school was supposed to be taking place. Sasuke could imagine the teachers tried up in their chairs while the teenage girls crowded around the television screen that someone had brought. *Darn them all to heck,* he thought.
"With all that action stuff, you'd probably need boxers, am I right?" Kozue continued. "I mean, leaping in the air and flying or spinning or whatnot, if your pants fell off, that'd just be downright embarrassing! You strike me as preferring black or dark blue, too. What color are you wearing now?"
"None of your business," Sasuke snapped.
"Okay, okay, don't get your knickers in a knot," Kozue said. She looked down at her card. "Next question. How does it feel to be the teenage heartthrob of Konoha? Is it nice being so famous, loved by the ladies? Do you have one for every day of the week?"
"It's actually annoying," Sasuke replied. "And no, I don't have a girl for every day of the week. Just what are you implying?"
"You want one though, right?" Kozue prompted. Sasuke stared her down. Kozue cleared her throat and looked back down at the card. "Next question! I have a boyfriend, by the way, so if you keep staring at me like that, he's going to tear in here and beat the crap out of you, just a warning. My boyfriend is cuter than you, too, but he doesn't have a different girl for every day of the week. He's less famous, so he and I can enjoy all kinds of romantic places without being swarmed by fan girls… anyway, next question!"
Sasuke looked away quickly, his eyes settling on a spot on the wall.
"Is the wall pretty where you are?" Kozue asked. Sasuke shot her a look.
"That's the question," Kozue said cheerfully. "Apparently someone knows you far too well. 'Is the wall pretty where you are?' submitted by Epic-Cuteness III."
"It's mildly attractive," Sasuke said finally.
"I knew it," Kozue exclaimed, her eyes widening as she leapt back. "You… are in love with a wall! That's scary, Sasuke-kun, let me tell you, although it all makes sense if you step back and look at it from a certain angle, because no girl was ever good enough for you and it actually ended up pretty sad but I suppose you don't care because you're the overemotional top of your class, so you've got the world in your hands basically…"
"I am not in love with a wall," Sasuke said distastefully. "What kinds of questions are these?"
"Relevant ones," Kozue replied frostily. "We're down to question number 145! You ready for the next question, Sasuke?"
"No," Sasuke replied. As he predicted, he was ignored.
"What do you want for Christmas this year, besides your older brother's head on a silver platter?' Oh, actually, that's a very pretty image. Itachi looks good in silver, I must say, it's really his color—"
"I want to be left alone," Sasuke replied.
"—and I have something for you, too, I hope you like it but really it's your decision to like it or not. I did spend a lot on it though, so my boyfriend will kill you if you don't like it," Kozue said as she reached into her pocket. She pulled something out and handed it to Sasuke. Girls around the village eagerly leaned forward until their noses were nearly pressed against the TV screen.
Sasuke looked down at the little box in his hands. He glanced at Kozue suspiciously, and then looked back down at the box and slowly raised the box's lid. He sighed.
"Ta-da!" Kozue exclaimed. "It's a nose piercing, an actual Pein Cosplay nose piercing! How awesome is that? It came in a million different colors, but I thought that would look good on you, and look!" Kozue snatched the box out of Sasuke's hands and held up a little pouch. "It's Cosplay Sharingan eye contacts, the Mangekyo Sharingan ones so that you, too, can have eyes like Itachi Uchiha!"
Sasuke sighed once again, and pinched the bridge of his nose as Kozue rattled off on all the wonderful things your could do with Cosplay Sharingan contact lenses (which he didn't need) and a Pein nose piercing (which he didn't want).
"And they last sixty days!" Kozue crowed triumphantly, back on the contacts. "That's two whole months of Mangekyo goodness! Tease the fan girls, threaten your team leader, and enjoy giving them nightmares caused by the placebo effect! Warning; contact lenses do not produce actual ocular powers. Please do not wear if you suffer from visual impairments such as wandering eyes, blindness, or watery eyes."
"You really are an idiot, aren't you?" Sasuke sighed.
"I'm asking the questions here, wise guy," Kozue snapped. "If you don't want them, give them back. My boyfriend will be happy to take them. He'll wear that nose piercing, and then he'll be so cute that I'll give him a kissy and then I'll have to get him a Santa hat, too, because that one is just so cute! Next question, by 'Pinkette' –"
"You roped Sakura into this, too?" Sasuke demanded.
"Who said anything about Sakura?" Kozue retorted. "I said 'Pinkette' and I meant 'Pinkette.' Not listen up, this is an important question. You ready? Okay, here we go… 'Sasuke, DAMN YOU, HOW COULD YOU WALK OUT ON ME AND LEAVE ME THERE ON THAT DAMN BENCH? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION? I'M GOING TO STRING YOU UP BY YOUR ANKLES AND FEED YOU TO THE—oh… this is also National Television, isn't it? Er… sorry about that…'" Kozue finished. She looked up. "Now isn't that a wonderful question?" Kozue said animatedly, leaning in close. "Do answer that for the girls in the audience!"
"Sakura, it was nothing personal," Sasuke said exasperatedly. "I already thanked you for everything you've done for me, didn't I? No need to get worked up about it."
Somewhere in a small house just in front of the living room television, a certain pink-haired girl waved her fist at the screen.
"Cha!" she exclaimed.
Back in the studio…
"I said it was 'Pinkette,' not Sakura! You can't address your fans on National Television by their names; it's against the rules! Get over here, you—" Kozue cleared her throat as the camera swung back and she smoothed her hair down carefully.
"The next question," she said calmly, "was entered by 'I-Can-Haz-Boyfriend.' The question is as follows, and the answer must be truthful. This question was not entered by me, just to let you guys know. The question is… 'You really want to give your TV show host a kiss, don't you?'"
"What kind of question is that?" Sasuke exclaimed. "Of course not! What about all that 'I have a boyfriend' stuff, were you lying about that? I can see you love him so much!"
"Just to let you know," Kozue snapped, waggling a finger at him, "my boyfriend and I both have lists of celebrities that we're allowed to kiss if we ever meet them in real life! Can you believe the first person to go on his list was Lady Gaga? I mean; an American pop star? Really? Over me?"
"I can see I was on your list," Sasuke replied calmly.
"Yeah! And he was talking to me about that! I was just like, 'Lady Gaga? Really?' and he was going, 'Sasuke Uchiha? Really?' and I was like, 'I have a reason! What's yours?' and he was like, 'well, I don't have one. I would look strange if you had a number of people on your list and I had none on mine' and I was like speechless! And then! Can you believe he told me he actually wanted to put Tenten on his list, but I told him he couldn't because Tenten wasn't a celebrity and therefore there was more of a chance he'd actually have a chance to kiss her, and he told me 'you work with Sasuke!' and I had never been more humiliated in my life! One night, just one night on the show, and that was it! I started missing you already!"
"I see," Sasuke said slowly.
"So anyway," Kozue finished, grinning. "Answer the question."
"No, and I never have," Sasuke said smoothly. Kozue scowled.
"I can't believe I put on this dress just to hear that," she snarled. "I should string you up and feed you to something unnamed myself. Oh, well. You want to hear the next question? We're down to question number 142!"
"We've only done eight questions?" Sasuke asked numbly.
"Yes," Kozue said smugly. "And we've only got about an hour left before they shut us down, so hurry up and answer the question and let's keep going! Fast! Now, now, now! 'In your opinion, what hair color is most attractive on a girl' put in by 'Sassy-kun-Mania'?"
"Come now, Sasuke! We've got half an hour left and 87 questions still to go! Hurry it up!" Kozue screamed, waving her sheaf of question papers in the air.
"I can only answer the questions as fast as you ask them!" Sasuke exclaimed.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"'Where do you like to hang out', by 'Me&SasukeU.'?"
"Do you think I'd really tell you crazies that?"
"No! I was just asking, okay? It's my job to read what's on the paper! Here we go, next question! Why are we shouting?"
"You started it!"
"I hate you!"
"The feeling is mutual!"
"Listen, bub," Kozue said finally, leaning towards him. "The next question was put in by one of our favorite question askers, Pinkette—and don't you dare say a word, you Uchiha bastard!—the question is, 'which girl had the honor of stealing your first kiss?"
"No one," Sasuke said smoothly. "Sadly, my first kiss was spoiled by Naruto Uzumaki, who thought it would be funny. In case you're wondering, he's a guy, it was an accident, and neither of us enjoyed it. Unless, of course, you meant a family kiss, in which case my mother used to kiss me on the forehead before I went to school."
"That's so sweet!"
"I know!"
"Argh! Microphone feedback!" Kozue reached into her ear and yanked some little device out, tossed it into the corner, and shoved the microphone in her hands into Sasuke's face. "Next question! Down to number 85! We know you don't like Itachi, but the question put in by 'Idie4Sasuke' nicknamed 'Idie4' the fourth; 'Why don't you like your brother?'"
"You mean besides the fact he murdered the entire clan including our parents?" Sasuke asked coolly, but his eyes flashed dangerously.
"Yes," Kozue said furiously. "Do tell!"
Sasuke looked momentarily thoughtful.
"He always left the toilet seat up," he said finally. "It was annoying."
"He does seem like the type to leave the toilet seat up," Kozue said thoughtfully. She looked back down at the papers in her hands. "Moving on. 'How does it feel to be the only guy in the world whose mass-murdering brother also left the toilet seat up?' put in by 'Lovey-Dovey-Darling'."
"Is that a staged question?" Sasuke asked suspiciously.
"No," Kozue replied not very convincingly. When Sasuke looked suspicious, Kozue quickly skipped the question and moved on. "Question number 83; 'If you could be the leader of a gang, what would your gang be called?' put in by 'Gangmaster4Eva.'"
"The 'Fruit Loops,'" Sasuke replied without hesitation.
"Question number 82; we're almost out of time, so hurry it up! 'What's your favorite movie or book?' asked by 'Sasuke-Bedbug.'"
"'300 Ways to Cook a Turkey,' by A. Byrd Fanatic,'" Sasuke replied. "It's got recipes on every page, 300 pages long, and some excellent tenderizing methods. The best book money can buy, since it really was worth it."
"That is scary! Next question…" Kozue paused.
"How much longer is this going to take?" Sasuke asked coolly.
"We're out of time for the show, but if we get another two hours, we can finish up the rest of the questions," Kozue said. "All of them. In two hours of pure Sasuke Uchiha."
Sasuke Uchiha's eye twitched.
"I need the bathroom. Could you please tell me where it is?" he asked calmly.
"I can do better than that. Allow me to escort you," Kozue suggested, helping him to his feet. Sasuke wrenched his arm out of her eager hands.
"No thank you," he said coolly. He disappeared rather suddenly out the door.
"Huh. He didn't even wait for me to tell him where it was," Kozue said thoughtfully. She turned to the camera and laughed. "He must have been pretty desperate! Let's hope he doesn't leave the toilet seat up. Honestly, he disappeared so fast you might think he was running from someone."
Kozue chuckled to herself, shaking her head at how foolish the idea was. She paused suddenly, her eyes glazing over as she stared into space.
"Running from someone," she repeated thoughtfully. "Running away from something, maybe… something like…"
She threw the microphone down and disappeared in a flash of red curls out the door.
"Get back here, you Uchiha bastard!" she shrieked as the door slammed shut behind her and sounds of pursuit ensued.
*Thank you for watching the Friday Night Show Christmas Edition with guest star Sasuke Uchiha. Coming up: stay tuned to watch the advertisement for '300 Ways to Cook a Turkey' by A. Byrd Fanatic, and buy book or (New!) the DVD. Thank you for watching! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, Sasuke Uchiha style!*