AN: If you read the chapter "Elisabeth" in "BSO," then this first chapter will look very familiar. It's mostly the same with the removal of the ending of Elisabeth having dreamed the situation. It's the start for an AU where she did, in fact, get her offer to go to Terra Nova before Zoe was born.
Disclaimer: Terra Nova is not mine.
She thought that she might have felt better if there had been some form of clutter to be seen in the office. That may have been an odd thought for someone that spent her days working in a sterile as possible environment, but it was the way that she felt. There was nothing personal or identifying anywhere in sight. It was a space that was functional only. It was an incredibly uncomfortable place to wait. It was a good thing that she was not kept waiting for long.
"You're punctual, Dr. Shannon," the man the receptionist had referred to as Mr. Sawyer complimented her as he settled into the chair across the desk from her. "I appreciate that. I imagine you have some idea why we have contacted you."
"I'm not certain that I do," she answered honestly. "You must have a wide variety of medical professionals available to you from which you can choose."
"We would," he agreed, "if that were what we were looking for. As it so happens, there are other parts of your resume that have drawn our attention." Sawyer leaned forward and watched her carefully. It did nothing to quell the feeling of discomfort that the room was giving her.
"And those would be?" She inquired as she did her best to keep her expression neutral.
"Your research credentials are very impressive, Dr. Shannon," he smiled at her and settled back after he tapped the folder in front of him with an index finger. "I could recite your resume for you, but that would seem unnecessary as it is your resume. Early graduation, what I have been informed was absolutely brilliant work in a trio of different research venues, and then you changed tracks and decided to become a doctor who worked with patients instead of continuing to follow the lab track that you had been on previously. May I ask you why?"
She stared at the man across from her for a moment before she gave him her reply. She opted to give him the real one.
"Theoretical knowledge is never anything but random information that you have stored up in your head until you know appropriate ways to apply it."
Sawyer's smile got wider. "Most of your colleagues in your former field would disagree with that." She was not entirely certain that there was not a challenge of some sort hidden in the tone with which he uttered the words. She did not comment; she just lifted an eyebrow.
"What do you know about Terra Nova, Dr. Shannon?" He asked as he steepled his fingers underneath his chin and rested his elbows against the top of his desk.
"Only what has been publicized." Elizabeth had the strangest sense that she was sitting in the middle of a chess match that she had not realized that she was going to be playing and that whatever moves she chose to make were being assessed by Mr. Sawyer.
"Then, you know that we are building a civilization essentially from scratch. We can send through materials - electronics and supplies and what not, but the people that go through have to be able to cope with what they find there. We have sent engineers, medical personnel, and agricultural specialists. There is a heavy military contingent to help guard against a potentially hostile environment and all of the visible dangers. What Terra Nova does not have at this point in time is anyone to help guard it against the less visible dangers. Do you know what happens to people who are placed in an environment with which their immune systems have no familiarity?"
"They become sitting ducks." The why of her interview was starting to make more sense in some ways and less sense in others.
"Exactly, Dr. Shannon," he sounded pleased as if she were a child who had done well on a class assignment. "That's where you come in."
"You want someone who can figure out what you are dealing with and develop treatments or cures or even immunizations against it." She summarized.
"That's what we want." He agreed.
"You realize that that sort of work takes years of development and the work of quite a few people. It isn't something that someone just waltzes in and snaps their fingers over and viola the problem is solved." She admonished.
"We know that." He smiled at her, and she was somewhat startled to realize that the smile he was giving her felt genuine.
"You are also aware that I have not done that sort of work for over a decade." She felt called on to remind him.
"You weren't first on our list." He told her still smiling. She felt her eyebrow rise again.
"You were third." He elaborated.
"The others turned you down." She guessed.
"One of them did," he conceded. "The other suffered an unfortunate accident."
"And you've come down to me?" She questioned still not really understanding why she would have made their short list even if she had not been at the top of it.
"There's no need for self-depreciation, Dr. Shannon," his expression relaxed into something that she had difficulty reading. "Despite the time delay involved, your work was excellent, and you have something that your predecessors on the list don't have."
"And that is?"
"Variability," he pronounced as if there was something special about the word. "You have spent years doing hospital work. You are a trauma surgeon who everyone asked tells me is at the top of that particular field. You cannot flood a place like Terra Nova with new people. I'm certain that you understand the reasons why. If this project is to succeed, then it must learn to be independent. It has to become self-sustaining. Any sudden influxes of more people than have been prepared for can upset the delicate balance that we are striving to maintain."
"I understand the mechanics." She assured him. It was true that she would be capable of filling multiple roles, but she did not necessarily believe that that should have led to her sitting in this office.
"I'm pleased to know that someone does," Mr. Sawyer stated letting out a soft, sardonic chuckle. "Sometimes, I feel as though I am banging my head against a brick wall trying to make people understand that fact." He shook his head as if clearing it of unpleasant remembrances. "You hardly need a lecture on my difficulties in dealing with bureaucracies." He waved a hand between the two of them. "The aforementioned reasons are why you were third on the official list. You were first on mine. We need people that can multitask. You can provide the research into disease and immunology background that we need while filling the role of general medical personnel with the specialization in trauma surgery that will also likely be needed. I believe whole heartedly in this project, Dr. Shannon. That means that I have no illusions about the difficulties that will have to be overcome in order to make it a success. I'm a practical man, and you are a practical choice. Have you ever read Heinlein?"
"No." She responded trying to sort out her thoughts about the selling job that he was giving her.
"I'm going to quote him anyway because it is deeply appropriate for the situation at hand," he told her. "Specialization is for insects. I have no need for insects on this project. I need people. I need resourceful, adaptable people to send to Terra Nova - not insects who can only pursue their narrow focus."
"You think one of those people is me." She stated more to buy herself time than for any other reason.
"I think that is a decided possibility," he was smiling at her again. "I am offering you a place in the Third Pilgrimage, Dr. Shannon. I sincerely hope that you will take it."
"I have a family." She reminded him. She was certain that he already knew that. No one made the type of offer that he was making without knowing everything that there was to find out about the person to whom they were making the offer.
"Which is yet another reason for you to accept this offer," he countered.
"There have been no children included on the first two pilgrimages," she stated. Everyone knew that.
"That is completely accurate," he nodded his head as though he was pleased about something. "There will also be no children included on the Third." He was holding up a hand to ward off the words she was about to say before her mouth had even opened. "Wait, wait. I'm not finished. There were very good reasons for not sending children along in the early days of this experiment. I see no reason to elaborate on them because I am confident that you understand the logistics. Families of those who volunteered for the original pilgrimages will begin being sent on the Fourth. I can't guarantee that yours will be on that one, but I can guarantee that they will be on the Fifth at the latest. Before you dismiss anything out of hand based on the separation, let me reassure you that I want your family following behind you as quickly as possible. You may consider it manipulative of me, but I consider people with families a little more inherently trustworthy when it comes to giving their all in order to make the broader scope of the colony come into being. They have incentive beyond their personal interests. You are what we need in order for Terra Nova to have a future, Dr. Shannon. Terra Nova is what your children need to have a future. To me, it seems like this is an excellent opportunity for a mutually beneficial relationship on all sides."
"I need to discuss this with my husband," Elisabeth told him reeling a little bit with a slew of thoughts tumbling around in her head that was feeling entirely too full. She needed to think, and she was not going to be able to think sitting in this chair. She needed to talk things through and make sense of them. She needed Jim.
"I would not expect anything else," he told her with an inclination of his head, "but I'm afraid I must impose a time limit."
"How long?" She asked. She knew that it would not be much time. The Third Pilgrimage was leaving in just over three weeks.
"I can give you eight days." He told her making a show of glancing down at the screen on his desk. She was certain that it was not necessary for him to check. She was very sure that everything that Sawyer had said to her had been planned out and carefully scripted.
"I'll let you know as soon as I can," she assured him standing.
"Dr. Shannon," he offered her his hand as he stood with her. "I know that I may have been a little brisk in my explanation, but I forget, at times, that this is not the cut and dry decision for everyone else that I think that it should be." He squeezed her fingers and allowed his hand to drop to his side. "Just remember that you have an opportunity here to be a part of something. You have an opportunity to offer a chance to your children that they may never receive otherwise. Don't let the possibility of getting trapped in the illusion of everything being okay enough for now prevent you from reaching out for something better. Don't let the thought of a temporary separation keep you from the potential of a lengthy future with each other."
"It's not that I don't appreciate what you are attempting to convey with your pep talk," she began.
"But you really don't need for me to finish it?" He finished for her. "That's fair enough. I'll plan on hearing from you a week from tomorrow. Don't rush the deadline. Make your decision well. That's the most important thing - make your decision well."
"What if they don't, Jim?" She insisted feeling more than hearing as her voice climbed in volume. She was not sure what it was she had expected would happen after she explained the details of the offer to her husband, but that he would immediately jump to the conclusion that she should take it had not been on her list of possibilities. It, perhaps, should have been. Her husband was a risk taker and an act first and work out the details later type. He was also devoted to their family. She had expected that to counter everything else.
"You've seen the news on the new lottery system," he argued. "It's in the works for children to go. Why not ours?"
"It's not like I can come back if they don't keep their word," she threw at him. She needed him to think through the possibilities with her. She needed detached logic. She did not need this . . . this . . . whatever it was that he was doing. "We don't know these people. We literally know nothing about this Sawyer beyond his name. I can't just leave you and the kids and hope that it will all be okay."
"Hey, Elisabeth, look at me," he cradled her face with his hands and tilted her chin up so that they were making eye contact. "You're the one who is supposed to be the optimist in this relationship, remember? It's a scary prospect, us being apart, but at the end . . .," his voice trailed off and she realized that his eyes had glazed over for a moment. "I need you to think of what it would mean for us in the longer term. I know that I'm usually the in the moment guy, but we can't just be in the moment on this. We could get the kids out of this. We could take them to a place where we don't have to send them out every morning with a configuration of plastic over their faces to protect them from just being outside. Our children could literally be poisoned from walking outside that door, and we have a chance to remove them from that threat. How can we not do that?"
"How can we not stop and consider what other types of dangers we might be placing them in instead?" She countered even as she let herself sink further into her husband's touch. The two of them stood still and quiet letting the contents of their discussion settle. Elisabeth allowed her eyes to close and let herself just enjoy the moment in spite of the decision and the sort of but not completely disagreement that was hanging over their heads. They did not get nearly enough of this - the time to just be still together. Their schedules fluctuated, they had two children, and their apartment, while actually on the large side of what was available for rent, left the four of them practically on top of each other. Privacy and quiet moments with any member of her family were things to be cherished whenever she could manage to come by them. She needed Jim; Jim needed her. They kept each other balanced. How could they even be considering a course of action that required them to be away from each other? She felt him shift and sigh as he leaned closer and placed a kiss on her forehead. She let her eyes flutter open as his hands dropped from her face and fell to her shoulders before trailing down her arms and winding their fingers together. He left his chin resting against the top of her head.
"What happened to there is always hope?" He whispered against her hair.
"What happened to we can handle anything as long as we stick together?" She whispered back. Neither of them offered the other any further answers. They did not have time. The children were home from school.
"Mom," Maddy's voice called out as the door opened.
"Seriously?" Josh's voice came right after his sister's. "Shouldn't the two of you be getting too old for that sometime soon?" He asked in a mock disgusted tone. He shuffled past them and disappeared up the ladder that led to his sleeping space. There was an exaggerated flopping noise as he threw himself down on his bed.
"Not soon; not ever," Jim called after him as he turned to ruffle Maddy's hair. "Hey, sweetie, how was school?" He asked their daughter before mouthing over the top of her head. "We'll talk about this later."
"Later," Elisabeth moved back as she nodded her head in agreement as Maddy turned from hugging her father to give her an uncertain expression.
"They want to talk to you again," Maddy admitted looking down at her shoes for a moment. "They want to see if we will reconsider skipping."
Jim took a step back with his arms raised as if to say "this is your area." Elisabeth placed her arm around Maddy's shoulders and tilted their daughter's chin up in much the same way that Jim had done for her a few minutes before. "Have you changed your mind?" Maddy's eyes darted for a moment in the direction in which her older brother had disappeared before she met her mother's gaze and shook her head in the negative direction. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Maddy said quickly. "I told them that, but they still want to see either you or dad to make sure that we all have 'an adequate understanding of the situation' before they will accept my answer." She told her in the monotone voice that she always adopted when she was repeating something from the academic director at her school. They had been pushing Maddy to consider skipping a grade for over two years now, but Maddy had always been adamant that she did not want to do it. Elisabeth had her suspicions about Maddy's reluctance being tied to the fact that such a change would put her in the same grade as her brother, but her daughter had never come out and said so. She and Jim had never pushed her; it was something that they were both in agreement should be her decision. Thus, Maddy remained in her appointed year despite the often glaringly obvious lack of challenge that the repetition of material that she had already covered on her own presented. She usually spent some time wondering whether she was doing her daughter a disservice in not making her fully explain her motivations, but there were other things that were taking precedence in her thoughts at the moment.
Somehow, later was difficult to come by for her and Jim. Their schedules were often at cross purposes - him having cases that required odd hours to follow up on and her having a rotation of shifts at the hospital. Between that and not wanting to take the chance on the children hearing bits and pieces before they actually had a decision to give them, there was not much in the way of talking or discussing or explaining that they could do. Instead, the two of them were communicating via a serious of looks over the children's heads and small comments in passing that she wasn't certain were not doing less to clarify where they both were in their thought processes than more.
She kept telling herself that things were not really that bad. The air was a problem, but they had filters for that. She and Jim were both gainfully employed, and they could take care of their family at an acceptable level. They might never find their way into living in one of the domes that allowed you to walk from building to building without your face covered, but what was the point in living in a place that purported to allow you to look at the sky when there was really no sky to speak of at which to look. Her family was okay. They were doing okay, and, most importantly, they were together. Why should they take chances with that? It was not that she did not support the idea of Terra Nova in principle. She did. She had been awed at the first reports much like many others around the world. She wanted them to explore it. She wanted them to pursue the options it presented. She just did not want them to take her away from her family in order to do it.
Did that make her selfish? Maybe it did. She was willing to admit that Mr. Sawyer had been accurate in his assessment that Terra Nova had the potential to provide a future for her children that they would never receive where they were. The problem was that Terra Nova had potential. That potential might not come to fruition. It might never be anything other than potential. The options here might have certain limitations, but they were certain limitations. They were familiar limitations. She knew them. She knew how to work with them. She knew how to work around them. Most importantly, she was here with them to help them and protect them and guide them.
How was she supposed to walk away from that? How was she supposed to balance a chance of might be better with the certainty of abandoning them for years or even forever? Was that even a choice? Jim seemed to believe that it was. She could not make herself see it in quite those terms. Whatever happened was it not better for it to happen when they were together and could look out for each other? She was confused, and she was more confused by the day. The thought of looking Maddy and Josh in the eyes and telling them that she was leaving them behind and that she could make them no promises as to whether or not they would see her again made her sick to her stomach. She dwelled on the thought when she was supposed to be resting, and she made herself nauseous with the stress and pressure of it all. It was the same day after day until Maddy was looking at her with concern in her eyes, Josh was cleaning up after himself without being asked, and Jim was clenching his fists in unguarded moments in his someone I love is hurting and I cannot fix it mode every time that she turned around.
It was day six when Elizabeth realized that the nausea she was experiencing was not only because of the stress - she was pregnant. She was pregnant with their third child, and a family was four. She sank back on her heels where she was kneeling in their bathroom and let the thoughts swamp her. She was pregnant. There was going to be a baby. There would be three children plus two parents, and that was not allowed in the world where they were living. There were laws and consequences that dealt with the situation in which her family was about to find itself. She rested her hand over her abdomen and thought of Maddy and Josh. There was a baby, and the consequences for this baby were not ones that she wanted for any member of her family - not even the one who was not yet visible.
This world was not safe for a family with three children. An almost hysterical laugh started to bubble out of her throat, and she choked it back down. This world was not safe for a family with three children, but she did not have to stay in this world. She had the option to leave it. She could take this new baby to a world where the laws forbidding could not follow them. Suddenly, all of the arguments both for and against her accepting the spot became null and void. The only thing left to do was to try to explain to Maddy and Josh (Jim, she knew, would not require an explanation; he would be packing her things for her the moment that he knew).
Mr. Sawyer had received her answer with pleasure. She was enmeshed in pre-departure paper work before she had time to blink. She noticed that the majority of it (a look up at the smile Mr. Sawyer was giving her as he watched her get started on it told her who had been responsible for it) had already been filled out. She merely had to add a few details, place her signature in relevant places, and make an appointment for her psychiatric evaluation. They scheduled her for that very afternoon. Mr. Sawyer had made a small comment about not wanting to chance her changing her mind and given her a wink.
He needn't have worried. She couldn't change her mind - not now. He, however, could not know that. No one except Jim could know that - not yet. Maddy and Josh would not find out until after she was gone. There was simply too much riding on keeping the baby a secret for the two weeks remaining until she could get the little one safely beyond the reach of population control officers. After she went through the portal, well, she uncharacteristically did not do too much thinking about that. They could not send her back, but there was every chance that they might try to take out some other sort of penalty. She had to hope that this place that was supposed to be all about second chances for humanity contained people and a leadership who took that concept of giving second chances very seriously.
She found herself teary eyed during her evaluation as she talked about not wanting to leave her children in a world that was hostile to them when she had the opportunity to make them part of something better. She was sure that the interviewer thought that she was discussing her two known children and the environment around them. She was really talking about her unknown third child and the people who made the laws that governed the prescription for her nonexistence. They did not seem disturbed by her display of emotion (which was good as she was feeling particularly crying inclined that day and did not think she could have stopped it no matter how much effort she had placed on trying). She was fairly certain that she caught the words "will be decidedly dedicated in her efforts" mentioned between two of the workers as she was gathering her things to go and had the distinct impression that the words had been about her.
They were not wrong in their determination of her mental state. She would be dedicated in her efforts. It was vitally important to her that Terra Nova succeed. It was the only chance that her family was ever going to have of being a family that was again together.