Disclaimer: I do not own Tennis no Oujisama… Unfortunately.
A Moment With You
There he is, sitting calmly relaxed with the wind blowing in his thick, dark brown hair. Each time he blinks his eyes, his eyelashes catch my eyes, like they're battering in the wind just for me to look at. The sunlight, perfectly catching the smooth curves of his flawless face with the sexiest jawline on any man I've ever seen. Jason, that's him, the one I secretly admire from afar. His smile reveals a straight set of perfectly lined, white teeth, to present happiness to the world. His perfectly toned body, as expected of an athlete, but right now seems a pity to be wasted, sitting and cheering from the side bench of the sporting tournament from an injury some time back, not serious but enough to put him on the sidelines for a little while. He wasn't happy about it but he didn't complain either, he wasn't the type who complained. Then again, why would he complain, when he's always surrounded by beautiful girls all the time with their long blonde hair and shiny lips and smooth skin and slim bodies… or should I just round it up by saying "feminine aspects." Always the popular type, loved by everyone. It's hard not to love him, funny guy, bubbly personality, the kind that attracts others without making any effort, it's just natural to him. When he smiles, the world shines. When his eyes light up, my eyes light up. When he's happy for one moment, I'm happy for the entire day. When he's sad I'm inevitably sad and constantly wonder what I could possibly do from a distance to make him feel better, but he looks beautiful no matter what emotion his wonderful face assumes. He's gorgeous when he's angry too. I've seen all these emotions of his from a safe distance, even though we are friends. He's friends with everyone, and has very few close friends, unfortunately I'm not priveleged to be part of the latter, more as an acquaintance. Mostly it is by chance that I happen to catch glimpses of these perfectly captured emotions of his. And because of this, I feel like I've seen the more real side of him. But he is unaware of my gaze. In actuality, I probably could be his best friend, but ever since I've started to develop special feelings for him, I can't help but distance myself from him. I just can't afford to get close to him. No matter how many times I try to ignore it, I can't deny that I care about him more than I should, sometimes during class I think specifically about him. What would have happened if he knew how I felt, would he feel the same about me, would he touch my cheek and tell me that its ok to feel like this? Or would he tell me to stay as far away from him as possible, and break my heart in two? After all, I am also a man. Is that wrong? Am I not supposed to feel like this?
Oh what I would give to know if you love me, even if its only a fraction of how immensely I love you. Just for you to touch me, I would give up everything I had for just one moment when you are entirely mine, just mine and no-one elses. Just one moment with you, I would forget the whole world exists, and make sure you knew that you are the most important person in my life. Nothing else matters, just you, Jason. I live only for you, even if it is just one moment, I will cherish it as if it was my last. I know, I can't expect you to understand my feelings. I can't expect you to want me as much as I've wanted you all my life. But I just need you to know, that all this time I have loved you, watched you from afar and adored you. I admire and respect everything that you are, everytime I see you my whole day seems brighter… just because I see you. And when you smile at me with that innocent and sweet, flawless face of yours, being so kind as your natural self is, I cannot resist but always smile back, and smile throughout the day just because you gave me one little smile. I know I might be an idiot for getting happy over such a small thing but that is the affect that you have on me. I cant help it but I love you too much to behave in a normal manner anymore, my feelings inside have come to a point where I can't hold any of it in for much longer. I feel that everything I do directly depends on you. But right now, watching you secretly from afar is all I can do, love you secretly from a distance is also all that I can do, for I know that you will hate me if you knew. Oh God if you only knew, I'm sure you'd hate me for all of you mortal life, and you'd never speak to me ever again. I'm absolutely terrified for if and when the time comes that you would find out my feelings, I'm afraid that I won't get to see that bright and cheerful smile of yours again. I really am selfish arent I? All I think about is myself. I am the worst. I am not worthy to have someone as wonderful and perfect as you, but how long can I go on like this, not being able to tell you, not giving you an opportunity to accept me as I am. Is that even a possibility, would you actually consider me as a possiblity? Could I actually be worthy in his eyes? Could he actually love me? shakes head vigorously breathes out sadly "As if Jason would actually think about me that way. There's no way that he would love me" but would he give me just one moment? One moment is all I need to feel fulfilled. If he genuinely turned me down, with his kind demeaner then I would accept it, if only I had one moment with him. Why does it have to be so hard to just muster up the courage to utter such unspeakable words? All my life I've been told this sort of suggestion should be considered as taboo. But is it that wrong for a guy to feel this way about another guy? I love him too much and I'm scared coz I'm going crazy inside. I'm scared of what I might do, or if I left it undone, I might lose him forever, without even trying. I have to try, if I don't then he'll never know. But today, I am just not strong enough, I'm too weak right now. I will have to work up more courage, the courage to tell him. That's the only way I can deal with this right now. I have decided, its time… I have to tell him.