Disclaimers: Don't own Saiyuki, not a single bit of it. Though I dearly wish I do ___

Shadow Nation

Chapter One

Tainted

It started with a feeling.

It was like a small black smear on white, that slowly crept outwards.

A millimeter at a time.

It was easy to ignore, because it was so very small, an insignificant existence that hardly made itself known…no, it's better to say that it was hidden among the glowing bubbles of white floating lazily about, in a manner that made you think time had stopped running fast forward, and everything was going in slow motion.

It's simple when it's pictured like that. The white bubbles of contentment filling up the void of my existence, the irregularity of their floating representing the highs and lows of my life. Really, that's all there was to it.

Was.

I don't even know how it got there, that small black smear. Perhaps it was the lack of reassurance, the lack of attention, or even the lack of confidence.

Whatever.

The point is, what I really should have had done, was to pay more attention to it, to actually think for a minute what it possibly could mean. The stark difference it made among everything else that represented my existence. The shadow, among the light.

Then again, I don't think very much, do I?

Or maybe I already knew what it represented then, and was terrified to face it, choosing to grasp longer onto what I knew as now. It wasn't a very wise choice, but it was the choice I made. And so, the black grew and grew, and it became this huge, ugly gaping hole that sucked all that was light into it. It ate away until there was nothing left to eat, and here I am, congealed to this thick black thing that I call my existence. The naked emptiness of it all leers at me sinisterly. For all the strength I displayed physically before, I have none here. Here, I am paralyzed and weak, my will worn away before when it became clear I could never get out of this black web and return to what I was before.

Things have gotten so wrong, they will never be right again.

I've become a defective puppet in the game that the gods have orchestrated. But they mustn't know.

Or maybe, they already do, and they've gotten me where they wanted. It's not hard to convince myself that, seeing as how I've always had to be kept under control.

I'll go nowhere, and can't do a damn thing about it.

I think I have nothing that belongs me, not even myself. I'm just not sure about that anymore. I'm constantly tired, inside out.

I've become one with my shadow, and they

Must.

Not.

Know.

---------------

"Goku."

At the sound of his name, Goku looked up and saw Sanzo walking towards him with the usual scowl sculpted onto his face.

"We're leaving in ten minutes, make sure you're there or we're leaving without you."

"Ha~~aai!"

Goku thought for a moment, before asking, "Ne, Sanzo, do you think we could eat some……"

Goku swallowed and forced a laugh, while trying to ease away from the cold barrel of the gun placed in front of his forehead.

"A-aha…ha, um, I was saying I should go get Hakkai and Gojyo."

The gun was swiftly tucked away in his robes as Sanzo turned around and left. Goku let out a loud sigh of relief as he shrugged his shoulders.

"He's in a bad mood today, not that he isn't like, ninety-nine percent of the time, but he's in one of the worst moods….."Goku muttered to himself as he walked down the halls of the inn towards Hakkai's room.

"Oi. Hakkai!" Goku was about to knock on his door when he heard a soft groan coming from the room behind him. Gojyo's room.

Goku was instinctively alarmed and was about to barge into the room when a slightly louder female moan was heard. Curiosity piqued, he couldn't resist noiselessly turning the knob of the door to test if it was locked. It wasn't.

Peeping through the crack the door allowed, Goku found the source, or rather, sources of the noise. There was Gojyo, body leaned over the smaller frame of a woman, his hips grinding into hers, as she clutched tightly onto a pillow, pressing her face into it trying to muffle her moans.

It was like there was this sudden roaring that started in his ears, drowning out every other noise that he should be hearing. His feet felt rooted into the floorboards as the paralysis spread throughout his entire body. His brain incapable of coming up with a coherent thought as the scene before him played on. Gojyo's breath was becoming more labored as he sped up his movements, the sweat on him causing his long red hair to plaster on his face, arms, back. The wetness of it turning the plastered hair a deeper shade of red.

Like blood, Goku distantly noted. Gojyo looked like he has welts all across his body with his hair plastered like that.

The woman was letting out soft shrieks now.

It was as if the noise had suddenly penetrated through all the static roaring in his ears, and jarred him to his senses. He knew what was going on now, and he had to leave.

Oh shit, Goku thought to himself as he struggled to get himself to move away from the door. It was like his body had shut down on him, and refused to budge.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit ………..

Goku thought frantically to himself as he continued to struggle for control of his body that was still frozen in shock, the string of curses going on in his mind like a mantra.

Ohshitohshitohshit---

A hand clamped around his mouth and pulled him back as another hand reached past him to pull the door softly shut. Goku's eyes rolled upwards to stare into green ones.

Hakkai.

"It's not very nice to peep on people Goku." Hakkai whispered with a pleasant smile, as he kept his hand on Goku's mouth. Goku could only nod dumbly, and do nothing as Hakkai hoisted him over his shoulder and walked away from the room.

It took Goku a full minute before everything registered, and a split second for his face to flush a deep red that burned as if on flames.

"Oh.My.God."

Goku muttered, wishing to be somewhere across the globe from where he is at the moment. Hakkai chuckled softly as he proceeded to put Goku down. Goku could only stand stiffly and stare fixedly at his feet, horrified at witnessing something as intimate as ….as….never mind, and to be caught in the act of watching……Oh. God.

Hakkai, sensing what probably was going through in Goku's head, sighed sympathetically and ruffled Goku's hair affectionately. "Gojyo should have locked his door, it's not your fault."

"I-I'll go look for Sanzo now!" And with that, Goku dashed out of the inn.

Hakkai stared after the rapidly retreating back, on his face a look of helpless resignation.

"Kyuu…."

Hakkai turned to the dragon who had settled itself on his shoulders, gently petting its head.

"You're worried too? Things will be fine….eventually." Hakkai said with a wry grin, as he carried the dragon and walked back to Gojyo's room to tell him to get ready. Sanzo waits for no one.

-------------

Sanzo looked up impatiently as he heard hurried approaching steps. He was about to yell at whoever it was for taking so damned long to get ready when he noted it was the saru, and the bright flush that colored his face. A golden brow was raised as Sanzo briefly wondered what could have resulted in such a reaction.

None of my business. Sanzo thought as he dragged a particularly long inhale of the cigarette dangling between his lips. Goku didn't offer an explanation either, preferring to stand quietly beside Sanzo, staring a his feet. Despite the quiet peripheral he put up, Goku's mind was absolutely raging.

What am I going to DO?? It's SO embarrassing…not like I am ignorant of what sex is, I just NEVER saw it happen before, in real bloody life!! Much less someone I KNOW!! Arghh!!! How am I going to face everyone?!! Face Gojyo??? Hold on…I didn't do anything wrong, so why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel humiliated??!Kami, when will my face stop burning!!?

Hakkai could be seen approaching from a distance, and Goku remembered with growing dread after seeing Harukyuu that he always has to sit beside Gojyo in the inevitably long rides they had. He cringed at the thought of having to sit with him later on. What was he going to say to him?

'Oh, hello Gojyo, fancy seeing you here! Cause I could have sworn I walked in on you having sex in your room minutes ago.' Arghh!!

Fortunately for Goku, all the feelings of dread and anxiety was working the blush off, And it better well stay off dammit!

-----------

For the last fifteen minutes, the road trip had been eerily uneventful.

Sanzo was scowling in his usual seat in front, arms folded. Hakkai was steering the jeep as usual. Gojyo, on the other hand, had been making taunting remarks for the last ten minutes like he usually did. But what made this otherwise usual situation unusual, was the absence of participation from a certain usually loud youngster. Said youngster had buried half his face in his arms leaned on the edge of the jeep, staring at the passing scenery…..or lack thereof, ever since the journey started.

And had not uttered a word since too.

Gojyo was more than a little annoyed at the lack of response he was getting from everyone. And he had Goku to blame. It was Goku's responsibility to have a verbal, and occasionally leading to physical, fight with him, setting off a chain reaction that involved Sanzo screaming profanities and threatening to blast them into bits, and Hakkai speeding while laughing at everything that was going on.

Really, it was all quite amusing, to Gojyo at least. According to him, everyone had their role to play in making the time spent traveling in the jeep more tolerable.

But, his eyes slid to the stubbornly silent form seated across him. BUT what is wrong with that dumb ape today??! He thought irritably.

---------

"U~huahh…we're finally stopping." yawned Gojyo loudly as he stretched.

Sanzo walked ahead and entered the small inn while the rest followed. Gojyo looked over his shoulder to the still silent Goku tagging behind him and frowned. He'd never seen Goku quite this silent or act this way outside the unfortunate few occasions when he regained sanity after losing his youkai limiter. And this abnormal behavior was starting to make him paranoid.

"Oi, saru."

Gojyo thought he saw Goku cringe slightly before he hurried past him to disappear into the inn after Sanzo.

"Oi, OI!!" Gojyo stared dumbfounded after Goku, cigarette falling out of his mouth before he recovered and broke into a string of curses.

"Maa…..just let him be, he's going through a phase right now." smiled Hakkai , and Harukyuu 'kyuu'ed in agreement beside him.

"WHAT phase?!" Gojyo pressed his face close to Hakkai's and peered down darkly at the smiling green eyed man with mock menace.

"Why are you so worked up anyway? It's not like Goku's done anything really wrong."

"That's precisely it!!! He hasn't done or said a damn thing since this morning and it's p-i-s-s-i-n-g me off!!" screamed Gojyo.

"You're a rather hard person to please aren't you? You scream at him when he's noisy, and get angry when he's not."

"HAKKAI!!"

----------------

Sanzo resisted the urge to kick the dumb mass of ape whose fingers have latched onto his robes. Sanzo tried to regain some semblance of composure to convey to the innkeeper what he wanted before he succumbed to thoughts and ways of maiming the monkey in public, bringing more attention upon himself.

"Four rooms." and pushed the gold card towards the innkeeper. "Visa."

"Four rooms? Oh dear….that may seem to be a problem. We have an annual festival in two days and I'm afraid I can only spare you at two at the moment, I'm really sorry!"

"Okay."

"Huh?"

"I said, 'Okay.'."

"A-alright, I'll uh, get the rooms ready right away." And the innkeeper disappeared into the room behind the counter to get someone to carry out his orders.

"Sanzo?" Goku looked up.

"I'm staying in one room, and the rest of you in the other."

"WHAT?!" yelled Gojyo. Hakkai and him had just entered the inn and heard enough of the last line to interpret the situation.

"There's NO way I will….." Gojyo's voice trailed off to silence as the barrel of Sanzo's gun pressed itself against his forehead.

"I pay, I decide. Maybe you can have choice when you have the money to pay for your own room."

"Deal." came the prompt reply with a very strained smile on Gojyo's face.