Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-gi-oh ... don't own the characters .. yada yada yada ... don't own the song. It's called 'Only one' by 'Yellowcard'
Oneshot.
blah song
blah diary entry
He looked at the door before him. His hand just milimeters from it. He wanted to knock, he wanted to explain, he wanted to know how she was...most of all he wanted to hold her again. But luckily for her, he wasn't stupid ... he knew it was much too late. Too little too late. He retracted his hand and stood and thought. What on earth was he meant to do? Leaving like that, he couldn't just come back and make it all okay.
Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
He searched his head for the words to say. The explanation in his mind fell to pieces when he actually imagined himself saying it to her. "Fuck!" he breathed out and sighed.There was absolutely nothing he could do. Nothing he could say. He stared at the door for a minute or so contemplating what to do. He had come this far and it had all been for nothing.Foolishly unplanned and impulsively he had come. And expected what? For everything to fall into place and the words come out perfectly. This wasn't a fairytale, far from it.He wanted to kick the walls, break something. Why couldn't the words come out? Why did everything have to feel so wrong? But he didn't because deep down inside he knew why.He had nothing to say. There was no excuse. He had nothing to say that could make it right.
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
He finally turned away from the door and made his way down the corridor. This was all wrong. He was wrong and he knew it. For Ra's sake it was 5am in the morning. He definately hadn't thought this through. And even if she did forgive him - did still want him. There was no guarantee that he would stay. He didn't trust himself. He didn't even know why he left in the first place. Was he scared? Scared of hurting her? (Well more than he would if he didn't go). Scared of loving her? He didn't even know anymore. He remembered the look on her face when he left. And it broke his heart. He laughed bitterly. Broke his heart? Ra, he was an idiot! He had hurt her. Not the other way round! Then why did it hurt him so much
I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
He stood waiting for the elevator. She was just a girl, unlike any other he had been with - true. But still just a girl. The elevator pinged and the doors slid open. He was just about to walk into them when the realisation hit him. She was the only one... he had ever loved. And he stepped back and watched the doors close. Was he in love with her? And when he finally asked himself that question, it was then he came to realise that it was the truth. He turned around and quickly made his way back to her door.
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
He reached the door again and a wave of guilt washed over him. For hurting her, for everything. Could he be the one for her? His whole life he had played with girls' feelings, with their lives and he hadn't given a damn not once. They were just another name on the list. Another score. Now he had fallen apart. He didn't even want to look at the naive girls who came to him expecting to be loved. Fangirls. She had never been like that. He had worked hard to get her attention let alone her affection and maybe that was why he had enjoyed it so much. Once she was his, he left. The biggest mistake he could have ever made. Along with all those other mistakes he made in the sham that he called his life. He was a mess. He drunk. He slept with random girls. He just enjoyed his life to the full. Or at least he thought he did. But without her his existence had lost meaning. Everything had.
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
But what if he hurt her again? It was his own fault. He had ruined his own life. He knew right then that the only thing that could make him whole again was her. Why hadn't he seen it before? What made now so special. It had been three months. And what if she had moved on? Did he have the right to disrupt her life again ... God, did he even have the right to tell he he loved her? He had always been rather slow when it came to self-realization. He was never really about that, what was the point of understanding yourself when you knew what you wanted. At least he thought he knew what he wanted. To be young and carefree. Nothing holding him down. Not even her. But in truth she hadn't been holding him down, she had lifted him up, made he see things he never thought possible. He had just been too scared at these new found feelings even to scared to admit he was scared. But he knew he couldn't NOT tell her. He needed to tell her. If he didn't he knew he wouldn't be able to go on anymore.No matter how selfish that sounded. He needed to. He reached for the spare key which rested on the rim of the doorframe. At least she still kept it in the same place. He had hoped she would.
And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know
He walked into the apartment. Closing the door behind him soundlessly. There was no guarantee she was asleep. But he hoped she was. He remembered watching her sleep. Holding her close through the night. It had been perfect. He had been so blind. Such a fool. But what was new there? He had thought he would never fall in love. He would break hearts and no one would even touch his. But now he realised she had ... she did. He closed his eyes for a moment. Trying to remember how she looked asleep in his arms. How he had missed that. Missed her voice. The conversations they used to have. The feel of her skin. Her touch. Being with her. Everything. The door to her room was open and he peaked in. An overpowering sense of joy filled his body when he saw her. Lying asleep. Blonde hair mussed. Still lying on her side of the bed. Almost like she expected him to come back. Fill the space next to her.
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
He walked over to the other side of the bed and sat on it. She didn't seem to notice. Still asleep, still as beautiful as ever. Maybe he would lie down next to her. Get some sleep now he was finally back where he knew he belonged.As he lay down he felt something hard against his back. He got up and found the offending object. Her diary. He stared at the black cover. And for a moment contemplated reading it. That moment became two and he suddenly found himself wanting to know how her life had been since he left. Wanting to know how she had been. If he had asked her, he knew she would say she had been fine.But she always said that anyway. He opened the last entry and stared at it for a moment not even bothering to read the words. And then he did.
I did it. I finally got over him. But then again, I said that last week didn't I? I said last month as well... come to think of it I said that yesterday too. God, I'm such an idiot. He left me, why should I even think about him? I ask myself that everyday. Everytime I feel guilty I ask myself why? When talk to cute guy or someone asks me on a date. I always say no.Because I think of him. And I can't bear it. And then afterwards I realise, that he's gone and he's not coming back. It hurts so much. Why does it hurt? Because I still love him.
And if for this moment I allow myself to tell the truth, I've always been in love with him ... from the moment I saw him and I never knew why. It wasn't logical but it was okay because I knew it would never happen. At least I thought it never would. But I was a game to him. Just like everything else in his life. I wish he could let me go. I wish I could move on. Part of me didn't believe those words he said when he left. Part of me still doesn't believe them. Part of me is stupid and thinks that he loved me. Stupid. Even if it was only a small part of him.
Fuck! I'm so retarded. He's forgotten you! He doesn't care. Why would he? But if I knew. If he told me ... that he loved me once or part of him loved me. Even for a moment. Maybe I could move on... at least then I'd know I'm not such a bad judge of character. At least I'd know then. That he didn't just use me, that I wasn't a stupid GAME! Life's a game until someone gets hurt though.
I let all my defences down when I was with him. And now I have a wall built up so high, I can't let anyone in. But the stupid thing is if he was to come back. I'd let him in again. Only him. I don't care that he's hurt me. I don't care anymore... all I want is him. I want him to love me and for everything to be okay. I'd let him hurt me again. I know he'll never love me (stupidity ignored). Because I was never what he wanted. Even if it means losing all my self respect and all those values I prided myself on. Not being an ignorant twitty little girl who fell for the first player who came her way. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I guess I'm not. I guess I'm not even over him yet. Maybe if I lie to myself long enough it'll become the truth. I hope he's happy wherever he is. I love him. And I'm stupid for doing it. I know that but I can't stop myself. I wish I could.
As he finished reading the entry his face was wet with tears. He didn't actually know how bad he had hurt her. What he had done to her... and now he knew that he could never make it right. He had made her question herself. She was so strong, beautiful, smart and able. And she doubted that? Because of him. He hated himself for what he had done to her. And he decided there an then. He would let her go. How could she be happy with him? He deserved to hurt for what he had done. And so he would. She thought she needed him. But she didn't. She needed someone who wouldn't hurt her. He didn't hurt he intentionally. He had thought he was doing the right thing. He had convinced himself at first. But all that had fallen apart once he realised he needed her. He hadn't even realised he was in loved with her until all of 15 minutes ago. She deserved so much better. He would let her go. No matter how much it hurt him. She would be hurt at first too ... but it was for the best. He didn't even know anymore. He knew he had to leave. Before she woke up. He wasn't surprised she had always been a deep sleeper. He smiled sadly as he took one last look at her sleeping form. He got up and walked over to the other side of the bed.He picked up a pen from the dresser and quickly penned a message. What he should have said all along. He placed the pen in it to mark the page and put it on her bedside table.
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
He walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. He fished for her key in his pocket and pulled it out. He opened the door and placed it back on the ledge as he silently closed the door.It clicked rather loudly and he cringed as he quickly walked down the hall. He clicked the elevator button and as he pinged open he took one last look back as he walked into it.
So yes that is the end of my oneshot. Kindofstupid drabbleI know. But I worded it so names could be used. Don't know why... but yeah.I don't know if anyone can guess who I wrote about. But yeah .. tell me what you think and who you think it is... I was planning on putting the note that he wrote up .. and that would have told you who it was but yeah it didn't happen lol. I think maybe it would be best left unsaid. I actually had a whole fic planned but i'm lazy. So I turned it sort of into an epilogue to it. Kind of. Be kind. R&R. The little purple button awaits. I'll give you a BEWD plushie if you do! xXx Mizz B