What happens, what do you do, when you realize that the person you love has lost their mind? Do you just go on as if nothing is different and try to ignore it, hoping that eventually it will work itself out? Or do you work to get them help and try to save the mind of your loved one? What is the best plan of action? How can anybody know? The world around you feels as if it is ending and crashing as you watch your life and your love go insane in front of your eyes and there is nothing you can do about it. Then you start to wonder if you were the cause. You wonder if you leave will they get better. Many people do leave. They leave hoping that they are the problem only to hear three years later from a once close friend that it only got worse once they left. The ones who stay end up going crazy too more often than not, or taking matters into their own hands landing themselves with a one-way ticket of 25 to life in the state penitentiary. How then, can you help the love of your life, the person you've known for years and loved just as long, when they show the signs and you realize that they are, in fact, going insane? The answer, there isn't one. It all matters how much you truly love them and want them to get better. It all depends on how much you are willing to risk and do to bring your loved one back from the edge and help them lead the life you were leading before everything went to hell, before they lost themselves. The only thing is, while you are helping them find themselves again, you can't lose yourself.
She was throwing things again. Usually it was just plates or vases that she always hated, but not this time. No, this time she was throwing her artwork. Something inside her snapped this morning, worse than it ever had before. There was nothing I could do to stop her. I have no idea what set her off. We were lying in bed together this morning discussing what we were going to do today. I mentioned that maybe she would like to paint again since she hasn't for a while. She smiled and asked me what I would do while she locked herself away for hours in her studio. I told her that I would probably play since I haven't recently and I have a performance coming up. Suddenly she was screaming at me saying that I was trying to get rid of her so I could work because I loved it more than I do her. I tried to calm her down saying that wasn't the case. I began pleading with her begging her to calm down. She only grew more hysterical. She jumped out of our bed and rushed across our apartment. I quickly followed her hoping she wasn't going to run out in the street in her pajamas again. Instead I followed her to the door of her studio.
She stood outside just staring at the door for a while, breathing heavy. I stood behind her and slowly began inching toward her. Soothing words were falling from my mouth as I tried so desperately to calm her down. I saw her visibly relax. She had fought off the insanity for the moment. I moved quicker so I could envelope her in my arms and have her take her medication. She must have forgotten yesterday if she reacted so violently this morning. This is the first episode she has had in a month. She was making progress, but she had to take her medication every day.
As soon as my hand touched her shoulder she immediately tensed up again. Quicker than I have seen her move in a long time she threw off my hand and tore open the door to her studio. She then proceeded to grab anything she could reach and throw it across the room. Canvasses, paint, brushes, easels, and beautiful finished works went flying. Eventually she realized that I was in the room with her. She then began throwing them at me. Screaming at me.
"I HATE YOU! YOU WANT TO GET RID OF ME! I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU! AND YOU WANT TO GET RID OF ME! YOU'RE TIRED OF ME! I HATE YOU!"
I try to ignore the words she screams at me. I know that it is the insanity talking, not the woman I love, but they still hurt.
"GET OUT! LEAVE! THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ISN'T IT!"
I dodge the painting she throws violently at me. I register that it is her favorite. She called it "Us". It's the one she did of us after my sister's wedding five years ago, right after I proposed to her. I continue dodging whatever she throws at me. As I move toward her, she backs away and throws whatever she can reach at me.
"GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T KNOW YOU! GET AWAY! HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE! HELP ME!"
I falter when she screams that she doesn't know who I am. These episodes are always the worst. No part of the woman I love is present during these episodes, just the insanity. Eventually I regain myself and continue toward her. She screams even louder once I have her pinned against the wall on the other side of the studio.
"HELP! PLEASE! HELP ME!"
I wrap my arms around her even as she struggles. We fall to the floor. I hold her close to me. I notice the sheer terror registered on her face. I look into her eyes and wish I hadn't. Nothing. There is nothing in them. They are completely void. Tears fall from my eyes at the sight of her eyes. No recognition is present in them. She really doesn't know that I'm here.
"Shhh…Baby please. It's me. I'm here. Please calm down. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to leave you. Come back to me please. Come back to me. You are going to be okay. I love you. I'm not going to hurt you. Calm down please, baby. I love you. I love you. I'm not going to leave you." I try hard not to sob as I beg her to come back to me. She continues struggling in my arms, but she isn't as freaked as she was. "Shhh…I love you. You are going to be okay. Please, baby. I love you. Come back to me. Come back to me, Bella. I love you. I will always love you. I love you, Bella."
At the sound of her name she stops struggling completely. I cry openly now , happy that the episode is over. I look down at her face and see tears streaming down her face as well. I hold her closer to me and we cry together. She pulls back from me after we both stop crying. I look into her eyes as she looks into mine. Relief floods through me as I see recognition in her eyes.
"What happened, Edward? What happened to me? Did it happen again?" She questions me growing more and more upset with each question.
"Shh…You are fine. It's okay." I soothe as I pull her close to me again. "You were gone for a while, but you are back now. You are back with me now, Bella. I love you. Shh…Don't cry. It's okay, baby. It's okay, Bella."
"I'm so s-s-sorry. I-I-I d-d-don't k-k-know w-w-hat hap-pp-pened. I took m-my m-m-medicine. W-w-why d-d-did…" She trails off as she begins to cry again.
"I don't know Bella. I don't know why it happened. Hmm? Maybe we can get you a new medicine so that this doesn't happen again." I rub circles on her back as she sniffles in my shoulder.
"Okay…okay…can we go now? Please Edward? Can we go now? I just want it to stop. I want it to stop. Please, help me make it stop." The look in her eyes as she begs crushes my heart. The fear and sadness and acknowledgement that something is wrong grips my heart and pulls.
I slowly stand and pick Bella up bridal style. I carry her through the remains of her studio and into our bathroom. I sit her on the toilet as I draw a bath for her. I watch her as the tub fills and see that she is shaking. I stop the water and walk over to her.
"Bella, let's get you in the bath okay baby? You will feel better after." She nods and lifts her arms above her head. I take off her night shirt. She stands and slides her sleep shorts and panties down her legs before walking over to the tub like a zombie. I help her step in and sit down. I turn to grab her clothes and put them in the dirty hamper when her arm reaches out and snatches mine.
"Please, don't leave me." I nod at her and take my sleep pant off. She scoots forward in the tub and I sit down behind her. Bella leans back onto my chest once I am situated and absentmindedly begins rubbing my chest right over my heart.
We sit together in silence, reveling in the closeness until the water turns cold. Begrudgingly, I begin draining the tub and washing both Bella and myself. As much as I would love to stay like this with her for the rest of our lives, I know that she needs help.
After we are both dressed, I sit Bella on the couch and go into the kitchen to make her a sandwich and call Carlisle.
"Edward?" He answers on the fourth ring.
"Hey Dad," I respond.
"What's wrong Edward?" Clearly my tone of voice tipped him off to a problem. I debate telling him over the phone, but figure it is the quickest way to get immediate medical advice.
"Bella had another episode this morning. It was bad, Dad. She didn't recognize me, at all. She tore her studio apart too. I don't know what to do." I deliver the news in a detached manner, but my voice cracked at the last sentence.
"Has she been taking her medication?" Carlisle immediately slips into doctor mode.
"Yeah, I'm absolutely positive. I've watched her take it every night right before bed, just like you said. She takes it with me watching and then opens her mouth for me to make sure she swallowed. Then she shuts off the light and we go to sleep." I can feel myself getting worked up again and stop to control my breathing.
"Hmm…are you two busy? I would like to have Bella come down to the office so I can run some blood work and see about getting her on a different prescription since this one seems to be no longer working." I can hear faint worry in his voice. My entire family loves Bella and we all want to see her get better.
"No, we aren't doing anything. I was just going to make her a sandwich since she hasn't eaten since dinner last night." I respond to Carlisle. "Do you think there is a different medication she can try?"
"I hope so. There is a new drug for people like Bella that may work, but the blood work will let me know for sure." He paused for a long while, and I can tell he is debating with himself about what he is going to say next. He exhales in a resigned way before he speaks again. "Edward, have you thought about putting her in a program or a rehab center where she would be with trained doctors and psychiatrists to help her twenty-four hours a day? I know you want to handle this on your own, but it's not getting better. Yes, her episodes have greatly lessened in number and there is a greater period of time that she is herself in between, but they are ten times worse and longer when they do happen now. This is getting to be out of my level of comfort and confidence in my abilities to help her."
"I don't want to send her away because then her worst fear will become reality. She is afraid that she is going to lose me and I keep promising her that I'm not going anywhere. If I send her to a facility, I will be breaking the promise I made her five years ago when I proposed and that I have been reiterating after every episode. I can't leave her, Dad. I can't." Tears are running down my face now, and I feel the sobs building in my chest. I breathe deeply again and try to calm down.
"I know. Right now though the most important thing is trying to discover why she had an episode and why her current medication is not working. Why don't you and Bella come over and we will run the tests here in the home office and talk more about this okay?"
"Alright Dad, we will be over in about thirty minutes."
"Okay, Edward. See you soon." I end the call and finish making Bella's sandwich. When I turn around to carry it to her I see her instead standing in the doorway to the kitchen. She has her arms wrapped around herself and is biting her bottom lip, a trait that depicts when she is thinking hard about something. She notices me watching her and releases her lip.
"I want to go," she says.
"We are going, Bella. After you eat we are going to see Carlisle and see about getting you a new medicine." I respond thinking that she is just impatient to stop the madness.
"No, Edward, I want to go away. I want to go to a facility to get better. I can't live like this anymore. We can't live like this anymore. We've been engaged for five years, Edward. Five. I want to marry you, and I know that I can't until this is taken care of, until I am better. " She is so impassioned while she is speaking that she reminds me of the Bella she was before she became ill. The Bella I haven't seen in almost five years.
"Bella, I don't want to put you in a place like that. They aren't always guaranteed to work, and I can't do that to you. I promised you that I would never leave you, and if I put you in a hospital, I will be breaking that promise," I respond.
"Edward, you won't be leaving me, and you wouldn't be putting me there. I want to put myself there. You would just be supporting my decision. I know you would never abandon me Edward. If you were going to you would have already. I want to do this for me, for us, so that our future can be what it has always been meant to be. I want to get better. I want to love painting again. I want to want to take pictures again. I want to listen to you play and know in my mind as well as my heart that you love me more than your music. I want to know that it's because of me that you play the way you do.
"Knowing when I am not having an episode isn't enough. I want to know and want and love all the time." She starts crying. "I want to know who you are and that you really are trying to help me, not hurt me. I can't go on living like this. This is not living. It's hell. I won't go on living like this, Edward. Please, I want to go. I need to go." Her arms tighten around herself as she slides to the ground. I quickly place the plate on the counter and go over to her.
I pull her into my arms and rock her as she sobs. I feel the tears roll down my face as I realize what she says is true. In my determination to not leave her and to be with her all the time, I have denied her the opportunity to get better. "Okay…okay. Shhh…Baby. Okay, l still think we should talk this over with Carlisle and see what he thinks. Come on, Bella. Carlisle and Esme are expecting us." I help my now calm fiancé off the floor and we walk together out of our apartment and to my Volvo. I hold her hand the entire drive to my parents' house. Bella is looking out the passenger window with a peaceful smile on her face. I know that she is happy to finally be doing something about her life that benefits both of us. I realize that I love her even more for wanting to take back control of her life, even if it means doing something that has scared her for the past five years. Admitting to people she doesn't know that she is losing her mind.
When we pull into my parents' driveway, Bella turns to me with a smile on her face. She looks at me for a few moments before she leans across the center console. Her face hovers inches from mine for a few moments before she closes the gap and initiates a kiss for the first time in five years. All to soon for my liking she leans back slightly and looks into my eyes, "I love you, Edward. Thank you for loving me through all of this."
I look at her incredulously, "Bella," I say with a seriousness that shocked me. "I will always love you."