Hi anyone! Okay, this is pretty angsty, you're warned in advance.
I don't own Naruto.
Shades: Pink to Red
Sitting on the floor of my room.
Staring
at the wall.
Holding
the razor-blade to the crook of my elbow.
Gentle pressure... not enough to break the skin.
My eyes close, and when I reopen them, I'm staring at my arm.
A single
unruly lock
of bright
pink
hair
comes free of my hurried plait. Reminding me of who I am. Or at least, who I pretend to be. I throw the blade at my bed in disgust. . . .
I repulse myself.
"Hey! Hey, Sakura!"
I turned to see a blond haired girl, running towards me at a speed that would turn a cheetah green with envy. Her blue eyes sparkled as she came to a halt in front of me. It could mean only one thing:
Ino had gossip.
I laughed, "Ok, what is it, when did you hear and how many people have you told already?"
She grinned at me, "You will NEVER GUESS what Shikamaru's new assignment is. Go on, guess!" I raised an eyebrow, and – sure enough – before I could even open my mouth to offer an opinion, Ino was talking again. "Temari's back in town!!!!!!"
Well that was news! "When did she arrive? And what does Shikamaru have to do with it?!"
"Um, just yesterday I think. She's here on holiday for a couple of weeks. Shikamaru has to be available 24/7 to show her around, introduce her to people, basically treat her like an honored guest." Ino's eyes sparkled with delight - "Temari has promised to give that lazy bum a real runaround!"
I started walking again, and Ino fell into step beside me.
"How long do we think before they realize they like each other?"
I pretended to consider it for about half a second. "Well, I think that depends on how quickly it takes her to get bored of toying with him."
She grinned, "Too true. I give it... three days!"
We walked in silence for a moment.
"And by the way-" she added, looking slightly aggrieved, "You're the first person I've told so far."
I smiled, genuinely touched. "Thanks Ino-pig." She punched me in the shoulder, only a tiny bit too hard; "No problem, Billboard-brow!"
I ended up getting to Tsunade-sama's office almost twenty minutes early. Excessive, even by my standards. She looked up from her desk.
"Oh, Sakura. I didn't expect you yet...?" She tailed off, awaiting an explanation of some sort. Annoyance flashed briefly through me – what sort of a boss demands an explanation for being early? - but I controlled it easily.
"I ran into Ino on the way here, she walks pretty fast, so I got here earlier than expected."
She nodded. "Well, you can start your shift early if you like... or there's a minor surgery you can observe... Oh, or there's some filing to do – about four different squads were discharged yesterday..." She looked up again. "Sakura? Your thoughts?"
I smiled and nodded, "I'll get on with the paperwork right away."
By the time I left at the end of the day, I was exhausted, as per usual. I dragged myself back, through the darkening streets, to my small house. I got my key out of my pocket, but before I had lifted it to the keyhole, the door opened. On the other side, was my mother, looking cheerful as usual.
"Sakura! You're a little late, honey..."
I smiled reassuringly in response. "The hospital had a busy day yesterday, we're still catching up on all of the forms! I offered to spend some extra time getting everything up to speed."
Mum nodded slowly. "That's ok. Are you planning on studying at all tonight? It's getting late."
I grimaced at the sky, stars starting to peek out of the velvet-soft darkness.
I started to imagine what it would be like to sink into darkness like that... the night sky softening my fall... the stars like points of warmth, or would they fizz?
Pop like bubbles?
Burn like a flame?
"Sakura?"
I looked up, startled. It took me a moment to remember where the conversation had left off.
"Sorry, I guess I'm pretty tired! No, I don't think I'll study."
"That's fine honey. It's not like you need to, with a memory like yours! Get a good nights sleep, won't you? I'm meeting your father at work, we're seeing a movie. I did tell you yesterday, didn't I?"
She looked suddenly worried, and I laughed at the idea of a seventeen year old shinobi, in training to be a medical ninja, being nervous at the thought of a night home alone.
"Mum, don't even start. I'll be fine. Have fun, 'kay?"
She smiled, stepping around me and heading off. I slipped through the door, closing it with only the slightest click behind me.
Alone.
Alone.
And I can hear them calling to me...
my fears
secrets
neurosis
worries
insecurites...
and the starlight glints off a blade...
and I shake myself out of it. Because I have a lot to do before I can even think about succumbing to the darkness. Despite what I told my mother, I have to study.
Like I said, I'm not yet a medical ninja. I have a lot of exams before I can call myself that, and until then I can't participate in surgeries, I can't go on missions as a medic-nin, I can't even administer painkillers to a patient.
Exams.
Funny how the word never used to fill me with fear like it does now.
Funny how I used to think they were easy.
Funny how I used to be so confident in my own intelligence.
What an arrogant bitch.
Well I know better now! I struggle with facts. Numbers and figures elude me. Latin names and technical names and field names and code names dance around my head, confusing me, misleading me, making me fail.
But you know what?
It's fine.
It's fine, because, so long as I study really hard, nobody will know. 'cos that would be worse.
Have you ever had something you were really, really good at?
So good that everyone knew about it?
It feels good, doesn't it. It feels really, really good.
And whenever there's a competition, or a test, or a challenge, they all say to you – or to each other – they'll be fine. You'll be fine. You can do it, it's easy for you, right? Right?
And then, just imagine that you lose it. You can't do it any more. They keep expecting this magic from you, and some of them love you for it, and some of them hate you for it, and none of them know, they just can't see that you can't do it anymore.
How does that feel, huh?
How does it feel?
Does it feel bad?
Does it feel really, really bad?
And I'm holding the blade again.
Holding it to my skin.
Pressing harder.
Harder.
Harder.
Harder.
But why can't I feel it?
And the blood starts to run,
and it's so red
and so warm
and so simple.
But why can't I feel it?
Expectations and broken promises, and lies, are dragging at me, pulling me under, gagging me so that I can't call for help.
Not that I want to.
The one other person who understood this – the pain of all the eyes watching for mistakes, the anguish that comes when people hate you for what you're not, are jealous of what you don't have – is gone, and I can't find him.
Not that I'd try to.
I have failed, and I know that I have failed, and I knew that I would fail, and I know that no-one knows that I knew that I would fail, and I don't know why.
Not that I need to.
And it hurts, it hurts, it hurts it hurts it HURTS. I think it's killing me.
But why can't I feel it?
Ok, well thanks to anyone who was interested enough to read that! I know, it was basically pure angst. I was listening to some good music for it. Review if you liked it, review if you hated it, just REVIEW! Please. MUCHAS GRACIAS!