The X Files
"Quadrant, quadrant, extrapolation," Lulu murmured, typing on her machina. An image popped up of a young woman who wore diving equipment. "Bingo." She said, "This is the one."
"Got it. Let's go." Auron said gruffly. It was another one of those cases that were so ambiguous, no one could tell if magic or machina were behind it. A man, Bilgen Maechon, had been brutally and strangely murdered during the night by something potentially paranormal. He had bruises all over his body, which showed he had been severely beaten. There were also extremely thick holes punctured deep into Maechon's chest which no one could understand. Lulu had been scanning the output coordination extrapolation device 2050 for possible culprits. The latest suggestion the OCED2050 had pumped out was that the puncture marks came from some kind of shuriken. It printed out the list of registered shuriken owners in the district. There were three names on the list.
"Rikku Pattenson. Don't we know her?" Auron asked.
"Who knows. Let's roll."
The first two suspects were fairly tame and incredibly unsuspicious. The shuriken were practically unused, hanging as ornaments on the wall. Finger prints and DNA scans revealed they hadn't been touched in ages. Unless there were no other leads, these two were dead ends in the investigation.
"Rikku Pattenson?" Auron asked, knowing perfectly well who he was addressing.
"Yes? Oh, long time no see, Auron." The young girl said.
"No time for pleasantries," he grumbled in his saturated throat, "I'm afraid we're here strictly on business. Can I come in?"
Rikku made way for him to enter and watched as Lulu followed him.
"What's the matter, guys?" She asked in her high pitched young woman voice.
"Nothing, don't panic." Auron said, perhaps too quickly. He was the one who did the talking while Lulu would take mental notes and be generally aloof. "Tell us, and be completely honest, mind you, have you ever purchased a shuriken?"
"Yes, but I registered…"
"Alright thank you. Now where would this shuriken be?"
"Right here," Rikku said, pulling it out from underneath her cloak, "I keep it on me for protection." She giggled nervously.
"Interesting." Lulu said.
"Lu, lemme handle this."
"Don't."
"So," he addressed Rikku again, "do you need protection often?"
"No, not really. Would you like to see it?" She passed the shuriken to Auron who took it willingly in his limp, gloved hand.
"Lulu, take this." He said, giving it to her shapely, gloved hands. She began to scan it with the portable OCED2050-2. She watched it scanning busily. Auron continued to question Rikku, "Tell us, Rikku, do you know a man by the name of Bilgen Maechon?"
"Yes, of course. He's the curator at the museum downtown. In Zanarkand," she added hastily.
"Have you ever spoken to him?"
"No, never. I've heard his name a lot lately because of the Summoner's Jewels exhibit."
"Hmm…very interesting. I've never heard of this exhibit."
"Really? Everyone has."
"I haven't. How suspicious." He looked meaningfully at Lulu who rolled her eyes.
"Everyone has, Auron. Drop it." Lulu sneered, "Anyhow, the scan finished. This baby looks like it hasn't been used in years."
"Your machina can tell that?" Rikku asked.
"Yes."
"Well, I guess we can't really take you in as a suspect…yet." Auron said.
"What happened anyways, guys?"
"Like you don't know!" Auron used threaten.
"Bilgen Maechon was found murdered," Lulu explained, "the evidence is quite minimal so far."
"I didn't know you two were investigators."
"We're only called in on special occasions, we are paranormal experts."
Auron took a long drag of his cigarette and stared around the room.
"I think we'd better be going."
"Wait, guys!" Rikku shouted, "I want to help."
"You can't."
"Please, I'm really observant, I'm sure I can help."
"Fine, whatever." Lulu said, closing the OCED2050-2, "Let's just go."
"You can come for now, Rikku, but everything you say can be held against you in court."
"Oh…"
"He's kidding." Lulu said, "Let's just get going. I'd like to solve this case sooner rather than later."
"You won't regret this!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hey gorgeous, get me the phone," Auron said to Rikku, "It's in my pocket; my front pocket, the one right in the middle."
"Okay," Rikku began, "Wait a minute… You're very limp!"
"What?" Screamed Auron.
"Your hand, it's very limp."
"Nevermind that, doll, fetch us the phone."
"Okay, why do you need the phone," she said, looking at his hand every other word.
"Why don't you just reach in there and grab it?"
"Uh, I have to help Lulu with the bags…" Rikku stammered, distracted by the hand.
"I'm not carrying any bags…"
"Yes, you are Lulu!"
"Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot about them."
"Well that's too bad, I'll just have to get the phone myself." Auron said, reaching into his pants and pulling out a sleek black homephone. He dialled a number into it.
"Who are you calling? We have no new leads." Lulu asked.
"I'm calling an old buddy."
"Tidus?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"He's your only old friend."
"That's not true. As it is, I think it would be a good idea. He's got a knack for finding people sometimes."
"But he was kicked out of the force two months ago."
"I KNOW GOD DAMNIT!" Auron shouted, clenching his limp hand into a fist, "I'm sorry, I just wish you'd all stop questioning me." He breathed heavily for a moment and slowly loosened his grip.
"What happened with Tidus?" Rikku whispered to Lulu, looking uneasily at the angered Auron.
"He was part of the force, the paranormal investigations, what we do," she explained, "the boss said his temper was too unstable to be any good, Tidus lashed out at the boss and then he was fired. He's been even angrier since the incident."
"Whose the boss?" Rikku asked.
"Khamari."
"What, Khamari Rouge, the Ronso?"
"Yes." Lulu fell silent and began to work at her OCED2050. "Hmm, extrapolation." She murmured and Rikku turned away to look at Auron who too was muttering to himself.
"Pick up, pickup, come on Tidus, I know you're there…Tidus!"
"Shit piss fuck cunt piece of goddamn fuck shitter fucking jesus piece of ass!"
"Hey now, Tidus boy-ee, calm down."
"Who the fuck is calling at this fucking time of day?"
"It's only three in the afternoon."
"I asked who the fuck it is not what fucking time of day it is!"
"Okay chill. It's Auron, you know, Auron?"
"Yeah I know who you are, I don't have fucking Alzheimer's you know."
"Hey you wanna yell at me some more or do you wanna hear what I have to say?"
"I don't want to hear what you have to say, you cunt fucker!"
"I wish."
"What?"
"Nothing. Fuck, just listen to me." Auron growled, ignoring the shocked look from Rikku. "I've got a mission for you."
"Mission? Who the fuck do you think you are?"
"Someone who you used to work with, remember? We used to have missions all the time."
"Well- hold on a sec" Tidus sounded distant from the phone and another voice spoke in the background,
"Whose on the phone?" A heavily accented voice asked.
"Fuck off, it's none of your motherfucking business!"
"Hey now, somebody need a tickling?"
"No! No stop it! Stop I'm on the phone!" Tidus giggled as Auron heard fumbling and shuffling.
"Okay, sorry. Fuck weed. So what's happening?"
"We've got an unsolvable on our hands, so far. It's only day one of investigations but the OCED2050 isn't doing great and we could use some back up."
"I'm not too aggressive? Won't Khamari Rouge be-"
"Khamari doesn't need to know. Come on, Tidus, don't you want the thrill of the investigation? Don't you miss it?"
"Oh I have all the thrill I need right here." Tidus said, Auron heard laughter in the background.
"Listen, Tidus, you're special like a rose bud in the garden."
"Fuck. I'm sooooo tempted to accept right now."
"Come on, do it, it'll be fun, can I come?" The accented voice said in the background.
"Fine, I'll help you Auron, but fuck man, just, just, just fuck."
"Good to have you on board." He looked at Lulu, and mouthed typical Tidus though he doubted she would understand. "So," he continued, "be here in an hour."
"Alright, excellent, I should have enough time."
"Hey Tidus, you want your pants you gotta come get them!" The voice called out from the other end.
"Go fuck a flan!"
"I'll see you later. Don't be late."
"He's coming?" Lulu asked.
"God I hope so, he used to be the best."
"He still is." Lulu glared, "You know you're not Chappu."
"Speaking of Chappu, I wonder who was on the phone with Tidus."
"Uh, weren't you?" Rikku asked.
"What do you mean speaking of Chappu? None of you can replace Chappu!" Lulu hissed from behind her OCED2050.
"There was a man on the phone with him. But whatever, I don't want to talk about it."
"Could you please shut up, I'm trying to concentrate on this program. There are very few matches our killer's MO."
"Fine, sweetheart and I will be in the next room." Auron offered his arm to Rikku who looked at its limpness with a shudder. She took it out of politeness but felt the limp so close to her body it hurt. She gave a sickly smile and Auron mistook it for honesty. He pulled her out the door and entered the makeshift lobby they used. Sitting on a couch, he patted the seat beside him with the firm hand. Rikku sat awkwardly beside him.
"So babe, how've you been holding up?" He said, noticing her eyes flick to his limp arm at the words hold up. "Got any boyfriends I should be scared of?"
Rikku laughed nervously, "You're pretty tough, I'm sure you could handle most of them."
"Good, I'll see to that later."
"Oh."
Auron laughed and put an arm around her, "Ah, it's been a long time. My how you've grown.
"I'm just eighteen…"
"Mmm…just ripe."na.
"What?"
"I said, my how developed you are. But I have a question."
"What is it?"
"Did it hurt?"
Rikku blushed and wondered if someone he had tried to hurt her with his limp hand. "What?"
"Did it hurt, when I fell out of heaven and landed on you?"
Is that how your arm became limp? Rikku wondered. But she had no time to ponder as he was acting out his story and climbing over her.
"Get off!" she said, pushing at his limpness.
"Yo man, whacha doin'?" Wakka asked, walking into the lobby.
"Who the hell invited you?" He demanded, not budging from his precarious position.
"Uh, hey man, let's be chill. I came with Tidus, he's just parking the machina outside."
"I see…Well, you had best go on in, Lulu is working the OCED2050, I'll bet she's dying to see you."
"I dunno, she'll probably just be disappointed that I'm not Chappu." He said sulkily, though he nonetheless walked into the other room.
"Now, where were we?"
"Auron, you're creepy!" Rikku wormed out from underneath him and went to follow Wakka into the other room. Auron was contemplating this rejection on the couch when the door to the lobby swung open a second time.
"FUCK! There is NO parking out there today." Tidus exclaimed as he entered, "Sup."
"Not much, not much, just dealing with rejection and murder."
"Cool. Where'd Wakka go?"
"In there. I'll come too." Auron said, collecting himself. He opened the door into the next room with his good hand to find an argument in the midst.
"He touched me, I swear! I was so uncomfortable!" Rikku shouted to Lulu and Wakka who were clearly not listening.
"How do you expect me to be someone I'm not!?" Wakka was shouting.
"Why do you keep acting like you're someone you aren't!? Chappu is dead, Wakka, and he's never coming back. Dead, dead dead dead dead."
"Why must you keep reminding me!? I hate you for doing this, you always…" Wakka trailed off as he noticed Auron and Tidus enter the room. "Hey guys."
"Listen, we all have our qualms with each other, but we need to pull together for this mission, okay?"
"Fine. I ran tests with the OCED2050 and it's giving me nonsense."
"Oh? What stupid fucking shit is it saying now? I hate that motherfucking equipment shit." Tidus bent to look at the screen.
"Tidus this is the new model, when you were here we only had the OCED2049."
"What is this bullshit!?" He exclaimed, laughing at the screen.
"Tidus, please." Wakka said.
"Sorry, what's this garbage? It suggests unicorn-inflicted damage. That's the most fucking hilarious … oh I mean the most freakin' hilarious thing I've ever seen."
"But the OCED2050 is usually so sensible." Auron scratched his head in confusion, "What do you think of all this, Rikku?"
"I'm not sure, Auron."
"It must be broken, I mean, a unicorn? It just doesn't work." The group stood contemplating for many minutes before Lulu broke the silence.
"I've got it. Maybe. What about Ixion?"
"Who?
"What?"
"Ixion. The summon, it has a horn that could easily be mistaken for a unicorn's."
"A summon?" Wakka asked, not entirely certain what the group was searching for.
"Yes, it is potentially the work of a summoner we are dealing with. We'll need a list of summoners in the area." Lulu began to type frantically into the OCED2050.
"Exciting, isn't it Rikku?" Auron asked, looking the girl up and down.
"Yeah…"
"What exactly are we doing anyway?" Wakka asked.
"Hey, I told you you could come if you stayed fucking quiet."
"Tidus, please. Fine, I'll just watch."
"I'm not certain about this summoner thing, Lulu, but I think it's the best idea we have so far. Ideas tend to spring up while we're following false leads, I find, so this will be good to chase." Tidus said.
"Hey, she might be right." Rikku said.
"Yeah, why not."
"I think Rikku's got a point." Auron said.
"There. The list is printing, we should get going the instant it's done."
"We can't all go, can we?" Tidus asked, "it won't seem very professional to have so many of us. I suggest the investigators only, in other words, myself, Auron and Lulu."
"But no one will be here to supervise these two…"
"And I hate working in threes." Lulu said, taking the list from the printer.
"Fine, we'll go just two of us."
"I'll stay with Rikku and Wakka." Auron volunteered.
"Maybe I should go home…" Rikku began.
"No, come on Rikku it will be an adventure! Stay with me and Auron." Wakka said.
"Okay, but you have to promise to stay."
"Alright, but I might be playing with the OCED2050." He grinned.
"Do it and you become like Chappu." Lulu said.
"I thought I could never be like him."
"I meant you'd be dead."
"Okay, whatever. I think you guys should leave."
"Alright, stay safe and we'll be back soon, hopefully we'll have some leads by then." Tidus pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and waited as Auron lit it. Then, after exhaling a cloud of smoke, he left the room with Lulu. They heard the lobby door close too as they exited the office. The instant they were gone, Wakka practically pranced towards the machina powered OCED2050. He opened up a program called paint and began to giggle as he drew shapes on the screen. Rikku stood by him, watching for a while with Auron close behind her. She could sometimes feel his warm breath on her neck.
"So Rikku, about earlier." He said in a low voice.
"Earlier?"
"You remember, what we were talking about…you know…going back to my place after work?"
"I don't remember that."
"Well you must have gotten distracted, so what do you say?"
"Uhh, Auron, can we discuss this away from Wakka?"
"Sure..." the two walked across the room. Wakka didn't even look up from his program.
"Say, Auron, you're a great guy…but…" She glanced at his limp wrist.
"But what, baby?"
"I just don't think I'm ready to… to… a damnit it's your hand! It's so weird and limp all the time, it just seems like you're not a very strong person, you know?"
"Darling, I didn't know you were so shallow!"
"I just don't like it okay? Please, let's stay friends…" she glanced at the hand again, "please?"
"Well, I'll need some time to think this all over."
"Also, we haven't spoken in years, maybe I just need to get to know you better."
"Yeah, sure. I'll catch you later, Rikku." He stormed off angrily and went to sit alone in the lobby. It was just one of those days, he supposed.