Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Paramount and TPTB. The plot is the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Rated PG.
Thank you Cori and Moof for being wonderful betas!!
Darkest Moments
"Captain, please report to sickbay." The Doctor's call jarred Janeway out of her thoughts as she sat studying a PADD in her ready room.
"On my way," she answered as she moved towards the turbolift. She checked the chronometer and realized she'd been off duty officially for about four hours. She'd been neck deep in reports that needed to be completed and had lost track of time.
She really expected to have been done with the reports by now with Chakotay's help, but he hadn't looked well on the bridge today. When he told her he hadn't slept well, she'd insisted he go to his quarters and get some rest. He hadn't argued with her which convinced her even more that he was sick. She was going to check on him when she left the bridge, but now that would have to wait.
She arrived on the deck for sickbay and could see the Doctor waiting outside the doors as soon as she turned the corner. Now she was very concerned. "Doctor, report."
"It started about half an hour ago," he said and blocked her entrance to sickbay. "Security was called and he was beamed straight here."
"Doctor, what are you talking about and why are we discussing this in the corridor?" She asked pointedly.
Before he could answer, a strangled yell could be heard coming from inside sickbay. The yell morphed into the agonizing sound of someone crying. She immediately recognized the voice as belonging to Chakotay. "Doctor, get out of my way!"
"That's what I was trying to explain. I'm not sure how he's going to react to seeing you," he said grabbing her by the shoulders to prevent her entry. "He thinks you're dead."
Janeway followed the Doctor into sickbay attempting to stay out of sight and still manage to catch a glimpse of her first officer while the Doctor continued to explain the situation.
"Security got a call thirty minutes ago with reports of yelling and what sounded like furniture breaking coming from the Commander's quarters. No other life signs were present and the Commander was not answering hails. They entered his quarters to find them destroyed and the Commander yelling incoherently," the Doctor paused. "They had him beamed directly here and I've erected a force field around the area. He won't let anyone get close to him and the airborne sedative I administered into the area had no effect on him."
"Why wasn't I called earlier? And what makes you think he believes I'm dead?" She whispered in a hiss. So far she still hadn't managed a single glimpse of Chakotay but she could see Tom keeping watch on the far corner of the biobed area.
"I called you as soon as I determined he was stable. Well, physically stable anyway," the Doctor explained glancing over his shoulder. "As for your death, we've been able to piece that together from what little he has said that we can understand. He's seeing and interacting in some sort of delusion. And we can only see the Commander's side of things. These episodes have so far focused on an event that caused your death. He believes the circumstance of your death to be his fault."
Janeway nodded. "Alright, well now what? You called me down here. And he seems calm for the moment."
"For the moment, I don't know what's wrong with him as I haven't been able to get close enough to properly scan him. If he remains calm I may be able to administer a sedative to him more directly with better results." The Doctor ushered her into his office. "However, if he becomes agitated again I want to let him see that you are here and unharmed."
The Doctor left her in the office while he walked through the force field entering the area where Chakotay was quietly crying. He was scrunched down on his haunches staring at the floor. Tom tensed as the Doctor moved closer. Chakotay's eyes flickered up at the Doctor's approach and sprang to his feet.
"Nooo!! She's dead already. I won't let you take her!" He yelled at the holographic Doctor. "I couldn't save her, but I won't let you take her from me."
The Doctor held up his hands palms out, "Please calm yourself Commander, I only want to help."
Chakotay seemed to ignite at his words, "It's all my fault. I let her die. I was supposed to protect her and I didn't!"
Tom reflexively leaned back as Chakotay came close to him and continued yelling, "I killed her. Her blood is on my hands! Spirits, Kathryn!!"
The Doctor sighed and signaled for Janeway to come out. She walked out of the office and stood close to the forcefield. "I'm here, Chakotay."
The man on the other side of the forcefield spun around so fast at the sound of her voice he almost fell over. "Kathryn? No, it can't be!"
"I'm here. I'm fine. I'm not dead." She said in her most soothing voice. Her heart ached at the hurt on his face. She had seen him like this once before and had hoped she'd never have to see it again.
He came so close to the forcefield it sent blue sparks towards his face, but he didn't seem to notice. "My father said you died."
She swallowed, "No. I didn't. I'm right here."
He gave her a small smile and he seemed to calm. The Doctor pressed the sedative to his neck. He whirled at the hiss of the hypospray but managed to stay on his feet. His gaze flicked over Kathryn and then landed on Tom. His entire demeanor seemed to crumple at the sight of Tom.
"I never meant for it to happen, Tom! I tried to keep her safe," he sobbed and leaned against the bulkhead.
Tom glanced over at the Captain confused, "It's alright Commander. I know you would keep her safe."
"Doctor, why isn't it working?" Janeway asked clinching her hands in frustration.
"I think it is," the Doctor commented watching as the Commander slid down the bulkhead. "Just slowly."
"Tom will never forgive me. I don't blame him. I'd hate me too. It should've been me," Chakotay continued to talk. He wasn't yelling anymore but the heartbreak in his voice was still evident. "I should've died. She should never have followed me. It's all my fault."
Janeway lowered herself to the floor so that she would be eye level with Chakotay, "I'm still here. You kept me safe. I'm fine."
His eyes flickered up at the sound of her voice, "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. It's all my fault she's dead. I didn't save her."
"Everyone is fine, Chakotay. No one has died. It's not your fault." Janeway spoke softly to him trying to keep him focused on her.
"How can you say that?" He asked his eyes almost closed. "First I let you die and now I've gotten B'Elanna killed."
"Chakotay listen to me. I am not dead. B'Elanna is not dead." She reiterated.
"It should've been me," he said quietly before slumping over unconscious.
The Doctor immediately moved in scanning the man on the floor. Janeway got to her feet wiping her hand across her cheek very quickly. "Doctor, report."
The Doctor lowered the forcefield and Tom quickly rushed to his side and together they managed to get the Commander on the biobed. "He's fine for now. He's just heavily sedated."
"Doctor, he is anything but fine," Janeway countered.
The Doctor sighed continuing to work, "I'm sorry, Captain, a poor choice of words. I will let you know as soon as I know something."
Janeway nodded and retreated to the Doctor's office. She tapped her comm. badge, "Janeway to Lt Torres."
"Torres here."
"Meet me in the Commander's quarters, Lt. We've got some work to do." She gave the three men one last look before she exited sickbay. She would search every inch of this ship to find out what had caused this condition in her first officer. If it was some sort of radiation poisoning, chronoton flux, or some malign alien intruder she would do everything within her power to bring this event to a close.
The Doctor entered his office to see the Captain asleep at his desk with the terminal scrolling information. She'd been at it for over twenty hours. He knew because he had been at it for over twenty hours. He had researched and tested the Commander while she had researched and scanned the entire ship, and neither of them had come up with anything. They were still no closer to finding a cause for the Commander's condition, and it was deteriorating. The sedative that should've kept him unconscious for a week was already wearing off. All of the Commander's scans indicated increased levels in his body of all of his functions. The Doctor really didn't want to wake the Captain, but he didn't want to face her if she woke up on her own either. He sighed and shook her shoulder.
She sat up with a start bumping her knees on the under side of the desk. "Doctor, report."
"It's not good." He turned the screen around so he could access it and add in the new information he had gathered. "I can't say I've made any progress."
"I haven't found anything either." She scrubbed at her face with the heels of her hands. "You woke me, what's changed?"
"He's starting to regain consciousness, Captain, but his condition isn't improving." He pointed out some readings on the screen to her. "His metabolism rate, blood pressure, and heart rate have all increased. I can't even sedate him anymore."
Chakotay started moaning and they could see his head turning from side to side. The Captain was out of the office heading for his side before the Doctor could turn off the screen they had been looking at.
"Chakotay, can you hear me?" She spoke softly grimacing at the restraining field holding him to the bed knowing it was a necessary evil.
His eyes snapped open and turned towards her. His dark eyes were bright with fever and his tears joined the sweat rolling down his face. "Kathryn? I'm so sorry I let you die. I loved you. I never meant for anything to happen to you."
"Shhh. It's okay. I'm right here." She smoothed his hair back from his forehead and wiped the sweat from his brow. "I'm fine. You saved me."
He looked past her and then turned his head to the side, "He told me I killed you. It was my fault. It should've been me."
She put two fingers under his chin and turned him to face her, "Chakotay, who told you that?"
"My father," he said then frowned at her. "Kathryn?"
"Yes, it's me. I'm right here." She thought she could tell a change in his eyes. "Doctor?"
"Keep him talking, it seems to be helping," the Doctor said from the console behind her.
"Chakotay, do you know where you are?" She asked him getting his attention again. He looked around and tried to move but the restraining field held him in place. She put her hands on his face trying to prevent the rising panic she could see on his features. "Chakotay, listen to me. Listen to my voice. Do you know who I am?"
He calmed as he gazed at her face. His eyes began to close as he answered, "Kathryn."
His breathing evened out and she looked to the Doctor worried about this sudden change.
"It's okay, Captain. He's just sleeping," the Doctor told her moving to her side and checking the diagnostic panel on the bed. "I believe we may have just turned a corner in his condition."
"What changed, Doctor? One minute, he's incoherent and raving, and the next he falls asleep." She paced away from the bed. "What is his condition? How did he get this way? What's causing it?"
"I don't have the answers yet, Captain. I'll continue to analyze all the readings I've taken from him. Until he is able to tell us what he was experiencing, I may not have any answers," he replied calmly to her questioning. "For the moment, his condition appears to have stabilized. Perhaps, it was the sound of your voice that broke the spell, Captain."
"I don't believe in fairy tales, Doctor," she said curtly. "I want answers. I'll be on the bridge."
"Now that he's resting, you should get some sleep as well," he commented stopping her from leaving.
"I'm fine."
"Captain, a thirty minute nap at my desk is not what I'd consider a healthy night's sleep. Finish what you need to, but after that I want you off duty for a full ten hours."
"Doctor, I really don't have time for this."
"I can always make it twenty four hours," he replied and then added at her look of incredulity. "And I can make sure Tuvok is aware of my recommendation."
She leveled her best glare at him, "Alright, I will get some sleep as soon as I check with the bridge."
He waited for the doors to completely close behind her before he allowed himself a smile of triumph.
Four hours later, Janeway finally managed to make it to her quarters. If she wasn't so tired, she'd smile at the indignation of the Doctor when he had called. She really hadn't intended to stay on the bridge that long, but one thing after another kept being brought to her attention. She stopped just inside her bedroom and considered just flopping onto the bed uniform and all. She had a headache the size of Voyager, and she couldn't seem to get warm. A bath would really solve that second problem, but she was afraid of her death certificate reading 'drowned in bathtub'. She settled for a sonic shower and curling into her blankets. She checked with the Doctor one more time on Chakotay's condition and only when she was told that he was sleeping soundly did she put her head on her pillow. The events of the day were quickly catching up to her and she closed her eyes.
She heard thunder and her eyes snapped open. She leaned up just enough to be able to see out the window. She watched as a bolt of lightning hit the tree in her grandfather's yard; splitting it. She gasped and almost choked on the rain that was falling on her face. She looked around; it was pitch dark and raining. She was lost, cold, and wet. She shivered and wanted to wrap her arms around herself, but she knew she couldn't. Kathryn could feel her fingers slipping against the rock wall she was desperately clinging to and with one twitch of her hands; she would be swept away with the current. Her hands slipped and she watched in horror as the underwater cave wall became a cell wall. The door banged open and a Cardassian walked in leering at her. She gasped as she looked up and saw the condition of her bridge. There was smoke and sparks, and she knew Cavit was dead before she ever touched him. She reached over to check for a pulse and saw Chakotay's tattoo instead of Cavit's grey hair. She pulled her hand back as if she'd been burned. Her hand was covered in Tuvok's green blood. Kathryn looked up to see a Hirogen slam Chakotay against the bulkhead. She turned to join the fray but tripped and fell to the deck next to two bodies. The bodies were badly burned, but she could see the gold wedding bands on the hands that were clenched together in death. She propelled herself away from the sight, backing herself against the wall. She felt a hand on her shoulder. Kathryn looked up to see Chakotay. His face was half covered with Borg implants. She yelled as he pressed assimilation tubules into her neck.
Kathryn sat straight up in bed gasping for air. She rubbed at her neck and she realized she wasn't under imminent attack and fell back against her pillow. It had just been a nightmare. She stared at the ceiling trying to rationalize her subconscious. She'd been worried about death all day, it was no wonder her dreams would reflect that. She rubbed her hand across her eyes. Of course her nightmare had included Chakotay. She'd been worried about him most of the day. Seeing the rest of the crew in her dreams really wasn't that uncommon either. She'd had nightmares before about the death of her crew. It didn't mean anything.
She sat up and saw the condition of her bed reflected how bad her dreams had been. Her feet were tangled up in the sheet and she had kicked her blankets and pillows to the floor. She shivered and realized the oversize shirt she was wearing was soaked through with sweat. She just shook her head and headed for the sonic shower. That had been the worst her dreams had been in a long time, but she really didn't have time to worry about that now. She wanted to check in with sickbay for an update before she went to the bridge.
Chakotay managed to wake for a few minutes while Janeway had been in sickbay. When he looked at her, his eyes looked much clearer but they closed after just a moment. "Doctor, please tell me you've found something. Why is he still this out of it?"
"I haven't found much, but I'm not concerned with his fatigue. The events he experienced were very traumatic." The Doctor guided her over to a panel. "I have found this. The green scan is of the Commander's memory center from six months ago. The red scan was taken while he was hallucinating and the blue scan is current. You can see a difference in the blue and green scans that would represent a normal increase in memories, but the red scan is something entirely different.
"The red scan shows tremendous spikes and frequency for the memories that were being created at the time. He may have been consciously experiencing one single event, but his mind had multiple areas active at one time. This explains why when he saw you his mind immediately switched to a situation that had the death of B'Elanna. Subconsciously, he was dealing with multiple situations at a time. If the hallucination we watched him experience was any indication, the multiple scenarios were all unpleasant. This would have caused extreme amounts of stress on his body."
"But we still don't know what caused it?" Janeway asked marveling at the difference in the scans.
"No, and now with his current scans reading normal, I may never have the information necessary to determine what precipitated this event." He sighed. "I will continue to work on it, and when he wakes I may be able to get more information from him."
Janeway nodded at his efforts and stifled a yawn, "Keep me informed, Doctor."
He had already noticed the dark circles under her eyes and he frowned at her, "Captain…"
She cut him off with a hand gesture, "I followed your orders, Doctor. I just didn't sleep well last night, that's all. I'm fine."
"Of course you are," he said to her back as she left out of sickbay. "Does anyone on this ship ever admit to being tired?"
Janeway knew she was tired, but this was getting ridiculous. She thought for sure the lights on the bridge had dimmed several times, but as soon as she raised her head to say something the illumination returned to normal levels. She glanced around, but no one else seemed to have noticed. She was also becoming increasingly warm which made her wonder about the environmental controls. She could feel sweat beading in the fine hairs at the base of her skull and threatening to roll down her neck. Again, no one else seemed uncomfortable and surely Tom would have said something by now if he was in the least bit distracted by it.
She pinched the bridge of her nose and went back to reading the report from engineering. She caught a faint smell of ozone and smoke and raised her head again to look around. Nothing was on fire and there wasn't any exposed circuitry. The smoke smell was getting heavier though. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
Tom turned in his chair taking a whiff of the air and shook his head, "I don't smell anything unusual, Captain."
She looked up to Harry's station but he just shook his head, "Environmental systems and the air filtration systems are all functioning normal, Captain."
"Guess, it's just me." She stood up resisting the urge to roll her shoulders. "Tuvok, you have the bridge. I'll be in my ready room if you need me."
She took another look around and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. She just shook her head and decided she was tired.
Several hours later the Doctor's hail broke the silence that had descended on the bridge, "Doctor to the bridge."
"Tuvok here, Doctor. Go ahead."
"The Commander is regaining consciousness and per instruction I am attempting to let the Captain know, but she is not answering hails."
Tuvok raised an eyebrow and glanced towards the ready room doors, "She is in her ready room, Doctor. I will relay the message."
"Thank you."
Tuvok crossed to her door only to find it locked. He rang for entrance and the entire bridge staff could hear a crash from inside the ready room. "Computer, security override, Tuvok pi alpha four seven."
The doors slid open and Tuvok was pushed aside as the petite form of the Captain barreled past him. She was moving so quickly he wasn't able to stop her. She came to a halt when she reached the middle of the bridge and stared down at the steps leading to the helm.
Her hair was disheveled as though she had been running her hands through it, and it was wet from sweat and slicked down where she had tucked it behind her ears. Her face was pale, but her eyes were bright as though with fever. Her hand shook as she reached for the guardrail, and her breathing was coming in gasps.
Tom immediately crossed to the guard rail where she stood as Tuvok made his way to stand behind her. "Captain?"
Her gaze had remained fixed on the steps until Tom spoke. Her head snapped around to face him and Tom could see beads of perspiration on her nose and forehead. "What's wrong, Captain?"
She blinked when he spoke again and then she spoke quietly, "Tom. You're alive?"
She looked back to the steps and then quickly let go of the rail as though it had burned her hand. She stumbled backwards inadvertently running into Tuvok. She turned quickly and looked up at her old friend. She gasped and stepped back as Tuvok reached out to her.
Tuvok was able to pinch the bundle of nerves at her collarbone as she began to scream. The strangled cry from her throat quickly tapered off, and she slumped into Tuvok's arms. He shifted so that he could carry her comfortably. "Mr. Paris, please alert the Doctor that I am bringing the Captain to sickbay."