Announcer: This is the Reunion Show!! Where if you have secrets to tell we will tell them to the person who needs to know and countless others who are nosey or either too lazy to turn their damn television off. So put your nosey-assed hands together, for your host chick with the ghetto booty, Acire Fox!!
(Audience claps as Acire enters from off stage neutral expression displayed. Stage is set with a few chairs. The motif is black and white. Acire is dressed in the Sephiroth costume with all of the props included.)
Acire: Greetings and welcome humans to the first addition of The Reunion Show. I am your host, Acire Fox, the author/director's evil half, and part-time Sephiroth clone. This show devotes its time to those poor lost souls who have secrets and no one to tell them to. We reveal your most guarded of secrets to anyone dead or alive all for the entertainment of the reader and the thousands we make off of advertising space. So lets get on with the show.
Author/Director: *from Announcer's booth* Um……Acire. Aren't you supposed to say the disclaimer?
Acire: What disclaimer?
Author/Director: The one for the characters appearing here today?
Acire: *sighs* I'm getting to it. *clears throat and squints towards cue card* Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft and not the author/director. I, Acire, and the announcer have signed lifetime contracts in blood with the author/director and we belong to her 'till eternity or longer. She has not decided yet.
Author/Director: That's not what the cue card said!
Acire: But was that not what happened?
A/D: ……
Acire: Now that you've gotten your two cents in, shut up and direct the damn show.
A/D: …… Meany.
Acire: Alright let's bring out our first guests, Barret Wallace and his daughter, Marlene. Clap for them or not. I don't care.
(Barret & Marlene come out and sit. Acire joins them.)
Barret: Whazzup?!
Acire: Nothing much and you?
Barret: I'z got a secret to tell sumbody. And I pity the foo', I'z gotta tell it to.
Acire: I will play along and ask: who?
Barret: Dyne.
Marlene: *pulls on his pant leg* But Daddy, Mr. Dyne is dead, isn't he?
Acire: That hasn't stopped authors before. All I have to say is AerisxSephiroth.
All: *shudder*
Acire: The author/director can bring people back from the dead with her evil author powers. So let's bring out Dyne, the dead guy, Marlene's REAL---
Barret: *puts hand over Acire's mouth* Shuddap, would ya?! I ain't told her yet!
Author: Umm…..I would move your hand if I were you. I think that Acire's got rabies.
Barett: *looks at Acire*
Acire: *foaming at the mouth* Grrr…..
Barret: *pulls hand back* Hehehe…. Sorry about that.
(Dyne walks out and sits next to Marlene.)
Acire: *wiping foam* Dyne, how's it hanging?
Dyne: It's dead--I mean, I'm dead.
Acire: Barret's got a secret and I've got to go home soon. The X-Files are coming on. Hurry up.
A/D: I don't own that either. Although Mulder would be nice….
Barret: Um….I-uh….sort of hawked that um….necklace ya told me ta give Marlene.
Dyne: *stands* WHAT!!!! YOU PAWNED ELENORE'S MEMENTO!!??
Barret: Yep…. Ya see we were a little scrapped for cash a while back and I had to.
Marlene: *tugging at Barret's pant's leg* Daddy was that when you bought the DVD player? Can I go home and watch Harry Potter now? He's cute!
Acire: By the way, the author does not own Harry Potter. And he IS cute and magically delicious. *licks lips*
Marlene: Can we go home now Daddy? That silver-haired lady is scaring me.
Barret: Dyne, I'm really sorry!! I'll make it up to ya! I'll get it back!! You'll see!!
Dyne: JUST SO YOU CAN PAWN IT AGAIN?!!! HELL, NO!!
Marlene: DAAAADDY!!! *pulling harder* Let's go! Harry's a sex machine and I can't wait to turn him on!!
Barret: *ignores* Dyne, please forgive me!!
Dyne: NEVER!! *slaps Barret*
Barret: Don't hurt Marlene! *jumps over top of her*
Marlene: *muffled* Daddy, your fat ass is hurting me!
Acire: Wasn't it Dyne's job to take Marlene to see Elenore?
Dyne: Stop! You're killing her! *pulls Barret off Marlene*
Marlene: *stares off into space* Oooooo, Mommy is that you? Why do you look like Mr. T?
Barret: *picks her up* Gotta take her to a hospital! She's hallucinatin'! *runs off*
Dyne: *sobs* What about me?! Can't I come too?!
Acire: No.
Dyne: Why not? She's my kid.
Acire: You gave her to Barret, no matter how stupid that was. And besides you are dead.
Dyne: But I thought that you said---
Acire: *draws Masamune and cuts his head off* Acire: one annoying dead guys: zero
A/D: Stop killing the guests! Especially after I had to bring them back to life.
Acire: You are a buzz-kill. *kicks his body off stage* Well at least we have room now for our next group of guests. This next segment is entitled: "The good, the bad, and the *bleep*ed up."
A/D: Stop cursing! Do you want the censor guy to shut us down?
Acire: Yes, but I think that I can wait for Cid to do that for us. ^_^
A/D: *sigh* I should have gotten the thief to host this show.
Acire: Now welcome or don't, Vincent Valentine and his ghostly squeeze, Lucrecia…….something or other!
(Vincent & Lucrecia come in and sit down, holding hands.)
Vincent: Acire, that was a little rude don't you think?
Acire: No. He's backstage and I was just trying to paint an accurate portrait for our viewers/readers. *turns to audience* Right!?
Audience: *screams* Acire! Acire! Acire!
A/D: I don't own Jerry Springer, either……*mutters* that freakin' cash cow….$_$
Acire: *whispers* They are all my puppets and I could tell them to kick your ass. So watch it, old man.
Vincent: *Glares*
Acire: And don't you two lovebirds have something that you would like to share with each other?
Vincent: Yes, Dear. There is something that I would like to say to you. I have a secret that has been burning inside of me for a long time.
Lucrecia: I knew it!! I knew it!!! Yes, Vinnie! I'll marry you! *glomps him*
Vincent: *peels Lucrecia off of him* That wasn't it, Dear. Do you remember when I came to your cave and told you that Sephiroth was dead?
Lucrecia: Yes. My poor tragic son! *swoons*
Vincent: Well, Lucrecia……..he's not…….exactly dead.
Lucrecia: What? You lied to me! How could you? I trusted you.
Acire: Haven't you ever heard of "trust no one?" So, let's bring him out here, your son and my master……The Great General Sephiroth! Clap you fools! Clap for your master!
(Audience claps. Sephiroth appears in the seat beside Lucrecia.)
Lucrecia: *glomps him* MY SON!!!
Sephiroth: *gasping for air* Lord………of……..Dark……ness……can't …..b..r..e…a….th…e….!
Acire: Stop killing him. It's not good for business.
Lucrecia: *loosens grip* My dear son! How I have longed to hold you!!
Acire: Yada-yada-yada….. Huggy-huggy. Kissy-kissy. Let's move on.
Vincent: This is a touchy moment. Don't you have a heart?
Acire: No. I never touch the things myself, unless they are freshly ripped from and enemy's chest. ^_^
Sephiroth: That's my clone! You make me proud.
Lucrecia: As do you, my son.
Seph: *to Vincent* Who is this woman? And why is she hugging me?
Lucrecia: Don't you recognize me, Sephiroth? I am your mother.
Seph: Ha ha ha haa! You are not my mother, unless you are a 2000-year old alien with a craving for destroying worlds.
Vincent: This is your human mother, Sephiroth.
Seph: Ha! And you are my father!! Muha ha ha ha haaa!
Lucrecia: Vincent!! You did this! If I had have gone to him earlier, he might would have remembered me! *sobs*
Vincent: *comforts her* I am sorry my love. I did not mean to hurt you. Please for give this, another sin against you.
Seph: What is this?! A soap opera?! *laughs harder*
Acire: …….um…Master. It only gets worse.
Seph: What?! Tell me my slave! What other news do you have for me?!
Acire: I think that Vincent better do it. Vincent?
Vincent: Are you sure that we should do this? I mean he may kill some innocent bystanders or burn down the studio.
Acire: Don't worry. We are prepared for such a thing. The author has bought the Barney Soundtrack. That'll kill any evil impulse and weaken any villain. I know. She tried it on me and I couldn't kick a puppy for a week.
Vincent: If you think so. Sephiroth--
Hojo: *bursts in* I AM YOUR FATHER!! MUHA HA HA HA HAA!
Seph: *clutches head and falls to knees* Nooooooooo!!! It can't be!
Hojo: I am afraid it is, my beautiful child. You are my offspring, the child of my loins.
Acire: *shudders* Your loins are uncharted territory for many reasons.
Lucrecia: Not…….really……
Vincent: What?!
Hojo: Ha! You thought that I was still a virgin?
Acire: We were hoping.
Lucrecia: I thought that I was coming here today to tell you that I…..well….actually slept with Hojo.
Vincent: You told me that it was invetro fertilization! You lied to me.
Acire: Gasp……suuure.
Seph: *gets back up in chair* *to Lucrecia* What kind of whore are you?
Lucrecia: My son hates me!! *sob to Vincent*
Vincent: *pushes her away* You *bleep*ed Hojo. Don't touch me.
A/D: Stop the cussing!! The censor guy didn't sign in blood and I don't own him. He hates me! He'll shut us down!
Seph: *looks around* Who is that? Mother? Is that you?
Acire: Oh my god…*puts head in hands*...no wonder I'm so screwed up.
A/D: I'm the director and author, Sephiroth.
Hojo: *gets on knees* You are the director of our lives, Jenova, my love.
A/D: *shudders* He said 'my love.' Ewww!
Lucrecia: *sniff* It wasn't that bad…..Hojo does this thing with his tounge…..
Vincent: *shakes head* More nightmares shall come to me now.
Seph: Mother, what is going on? This cheap whore thinks that she is you. She is trying to replace you. May I put her out of her misery? *pats Masamune*
A/D: Um….no.
Acire: Can we just bring out the next set of fools, now?
Hojo: Do you require more specimens, my dear?
A/D: Um…I'll take care of it. Just get off stage. You scare me.
Hojo: Yes, mistress.
Acire: Mistress!?
A/D: Vincent, you and Lucrecia are free to go. And I think that we'll go to commercial.
Acire: Can I go?
A/D: No…..you serve me.
Acire: &!#@
A/D: Stop the cursing, and cut to commercial.
Acire: Be right back. Stay and watch the subliminal messages also known as commercials. We get money if you watch, so don't stiff me out of my gil.
A/D: No gil here. Paper money.
Acire: *pouts* The real world sucks.
(Audience claps as Acire enters from off stage neutral expression displayed. Stage is set with a few chairs. The motif is black and white. Acire is dressed in the Sephiroth costume with all of the props included.)
Acire: Greetings and welcome humans to the first addition of The Reunion Show. I am your host, Acire Fox, the author/director's evil half, and part-time Sephiroth clone. This show devotes its time to those poor lost souls who have secrets and no one to tell them to. We reveal your most guarded of secrets to anyone dead or alive all for the entertainment of the reader and the thousands we make off of advertising space. So lets get on with the show.
Author/Director: *from Announcer's booth* Um……Acire. Aren't you supposed to say the disclaimer?
Acire: What disclaimer?
Author/Director: The one for the characters appearing here today?
Acire: *sighs* I'm getting to it. *clears throat and squints towards cue card* Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft and not the author/director. I, Acire, and the announcer have signed lifetime contracts in blood with the author/director and we belong to her 'till eternity or longer. She has not decided yet.
Author/Director: That's not what the cue card said!
Acire: But was that not what happened?
A/D: ……
Acire: Now that you've gotten your two cents in, shut up and direct the damn show.
A/D: …… Meany.
Acire: Alright let's bring out our first guests, Barret Wallace and his daughter, Marlene. Clap for them or not. I don't care.
(Barret & Marlene come out and sit. Acire joins them.)
Barret: Whazzup?!
Acire: Nothing much and you?
Barret: I'z got a secret to tell sumbody. And I pity the foo', I'z gotta tell it to.
Acire: I will play along and ask: who?
Barret: Dyne.
Marlene: *pulls on his pant leg* But Daddy, Mr. Dyne is dead, isn't he?
Acire: That hasn't stopped authors before. All I have to say is AerisxSephiroth.
All: *shudder*
Acire: The author/director can bring people back from the dead with her evil author powers. So let's bring out Dyne, the dead guy, Marlene's REAL---
Barret: *puts hand over Acire's mouth* Shuddap, would ya?! I ain't told her yet!
Author: Umm…..I would move your hand if I were you. I think that Acire's got rabies.
Barett: *looks at Acire*
Acire: *foaming at the mouth* Grrr…..
Barret: *pulls hand back* Hehehe…. Sorry about that.
(Dyne walks out and sits next to Marlene.)
Acire: *wiping foam* Dyne, how's it hanging?
Dyne: It's dead--I mean, I'm dead.
Acire: Barret's got a secret and I've got to go home soon. The X-Files are coming on. Hurry up.
A/D: I don't own that either. Although Mulder would be nice….
Barret: Um….I-uh….sort of hawked that um….necklace ya told me ta give Marlene.
Dyne: *stands* WHAT!!!! YOU PAWNED ELENORE'S MEMENTO!!??
Barret: Yep…. Ya see we were a little scrapped for cash a while back and I had to.
Marlene: *tugging at Barret's pant's leg* Daddy was that when you bought the DVD player? Can I go home and watch Harry Potter now? He's cute!
Acire: By the way, the author does not own Harry Potter. And he IS cute and magically delicious. *licks lips*
Marlene: Can we go home now Daddy? That silver-haired lady is scaring me.
Barret: Dyne, I'm really sorry!! I'll make it up to ya! I'll get it back!! You'll see!!
Dyne: JUST SO YOU CAN PAWN IT AGAIN?!!! HELL, NO!!
Marlene: DAAAADDY!!! *pulling harder* Let's go! Harry's a sex machine and I can't wait to turn him on!!
Barret: *ignores* Dyne, please forgive me!!
Dyne: NEVER!! *slaps Barret*
Barret: Don't hurt Marlene! *jumps over top of her*
Marlene: *muffled* Daddy, your fat ass is hurting me!
Acire: Wasn't it Dyne's job to take Marlene to see Elenore?
Dyne: Stop! You're killing her! *pulls Barret off Marlene*
Marlene: *stares off into space* Oooooo, Mommy is that you? Why do you look like Mr. T?
Barret: *picks her up* Gotta take her to a hospital! She's hallucinatin'! *runs off*
Dyne: *sobs* What about me?! Can't I come too?!
Acire: No.
Dyne: Why not? She's my kid.
Acire: You gave her to Barret, no matter how stupid that was. And besides you are dead.
Dyne: But I thought that you said---
Acire: *draws Masamune and cuts his head off* Acire: one annoying dead guys: zero
A/D: Stop killing the guests! Especially after I had to bring them back to life.
Acire: You are a buzz-kill. *kicks his body off stage* Well at least we have room now for our next group of guests. This next segment is entitled: "The good, the bad, and the *bleep*ed up."
A/D: Stop cursing! Do you want the censor guy to shut us down?
Acire: Yes, but I think that I can wait for Cid to do that for us. ^_^
A/D: *sigh* I should have gotten the thief to host this show.
Acire: Now welcome or don't, Vincent Valentine and his ghostly squeeze, Lucrecia…….something or other!
(Vincent & Lucrecia come in and sit down, holding hands.)
Vincent: Acire, that was a little rude don't you think?
Acire: No. He's backstage and I was just trying to paint an accurate portrait for our viewers/readers. *turns to audience* Right!?
Audience: *screams* Acire! Acire! Acire!
A/D: I don't own Jerry Springer, either……*mutters* that freakin' cash cow….$_$
Acire: *whispers* They are all my puppets and I could tell them to kick your ass. So watch it, old man.
Vincent: *Glares*
Acire: And don't you two lovebirds have something that you would like to share with each other?
Vincent: Yes, Dear. There is something that I would like to say to you. I have a secret that has been burning inside of me for a long time.
Lucrecia: I knew it!! I knew it!!! Yes, Vinnie! I'll marry you! *glomps him*
Vincent: *peels Lucrecia off of him* That wasn't it, Dear. Do you remember when I came to your cave and told you that Sephiroth was dead?
Lucrecia: Yes. My poor tragic son! *swoons*
Vincent: Well, Lucrecia……..he's not…….exactly dead.
Lucrecia: What? You lied to me! How could you? I trusted you.
Acire: Haven't you ever heard of "trust no one?" So, let's bring him out here, your son and my master……The Great General Sephiroth! Clap you fools! Clap for your master!
(Audience claps. Sephiroth appears in the seat beside Lucrecia.)
Lucrecia: *glomps him* MY SON!!!
Sephiroth: *gasping for air* Lord………of……..Dark……ness……can't …..b..r..e…a….th…e….!
Acire: Stop killing him. It's not good for business.
Lucrecia: *loosens grip* My dear son! How I have longed to hold you!!
Acire: Yada-yada-yada….. Huggy-huggy. Kissy-kissy. Let's move on.
Vincent: This is a touchy moment. Don't you have a heart?
Acire: No. I never touch the things myself, unless they are freshly ripped from and enemy's chest. ^_^
Sephiroth: That's my clone! You make me proud.
Lucrecia: As do you, my son.
Seph: *to Vincent* Who is this woman? And why is she hugging me?
Lucrecia: Don't you recognize me, Sephiroth? I am your mother.
Seph: Ha ha ha haa! You are not my mother, unless you are a 2000-year old alien with a craving for destroying worlds.
Vincent: This is your human mother, Sephiroth.
Seph: Ha! And you are my father!! Muha ha ha ha haaa!
Lucrecia: Vincent!! You did this! If I had have gone to him earlier, he might would have remembered me! *sobs*
Vincent: *comforts her* I am sorry my love. I did not mean to hurt you. Please for give this, another sin against you.
Seph: What is this?! A soap opera?! *laughs harder*
Acire: …….um…Master. It only gets worse.
Seph: What?! Tell me my slave! What other news do you have for me?!
Acire: I think that Vincent better do it. Vincent?
Vincent: Are you sure that we should do this? I mean he may kill some innocent bystanders or burn down the studio.
Acire: Don't worry. We are prepared for such a thing. The author has bought the Barney Soundtrack. That'll kill any evil impulse and weaken any villain. I know. She tried it on me and I couldn't kick a puppy for a week.
Vincent: If you think so. Sephiroth--
Hojo: *bursts in* I AM YOUR FATHER!! MUHA HA HA HA HAA!
Seph: *clutches head and falls to knees* Nooooooooo!!! It can't be!
Hojo: I am afraid it is, my beautiful child. You are my offspring, the child of my loins.
Acire: *shudders* Your loins are uncharted territory for many reasons.
Lucrecia: Not…….really……
Vincent: What?!
Hojo: Ha! You thought that I was still a virgin?
Acire: We were hoping.
Lucrecia: I thought that I was coming here today to tell you that I…..well….actually slept with Hojo.
Vincent: You told me that it was invetro fertilization! You lied to me.
Acire: Gasp……suuure.
Seph: *gets back up in chair* *to Lucrecia* What kind of whore are you?
Lucrecia: My son hates me!! *sob to Vincent*
Vincent: *pushes her away* You *bleep*ed Hojo. Don't touch me.
A/D: Stop the cussing!! The censor guy didn't sign in blood and I don't own him. He hates me! He'll shut us down!
Seph: *looks around* Who is that? Mother? Is that you?
Acire: Oh my god…*puts head in hands*...no wonder I'm so screwed up.
A/D: I'm the director and author, Sephiroth.
Hojo: *gets on knees* You are the director of our lives, Jenova, my love.
A/D: *shudders* He said 'my love.' Ewww!
Lucrecia: *sniff* It wasn't that bad…..Hojo does this thing with his tounge…..
Vincent: *shakes head* More nightmares shall come to me now.
Seph: Mother, what is going on? This cheap whore thinks that she is you. She is trying to replace you. May I put her out of her misery? *pats Masamune*
A/D: Um….no.
Acire: Can we just bring out the next set of fools, now?
Hojo: Do you require more specimens, my dear?
A/D: Um…I'll take care of it. Just get off stage. You scare me.
Hojo: Yes, mistress.
Acire: Mistress!?
A/D: Vincent, you and Lucrecia are free to go. And I think that we'll go to commercial.
Acire: Can I go?
A/D: No…..you serve me.
Acire: &!#@
A/D: Stop the cursing, and cut to commercial.
Acire: Be right back. Stay and watch the subliminal messages also known as commercials. We get money if you watch, so don't stiff me out of my gil.
A/D: No gil here. Paper money.
Acire: *pouts* The real world sucks.