a/n: hello fellow Castle lovers! just a few quick words...

this is my first fanfic ever. be gentle?

all chapter titles, as well as the story title, are names of Bon Jovi songs. the lyrics are worth googling. ;]

be aware of spoilers for all of season 1.

disclaimer: all i own is the rabid plot bunny.

Chapter 1 – Good Guys Don't Always Wear White

Kate Beckett was lying on her couch, her eyes staring unseeingly at the room in front of her. She was still wearing her coat and heels; she had assumed this position the moment she entered her apartment and had scarcely moved since, other than to grab wildly for the tissue box on the coffee table. Slowly, a tear ran down her face, dripping over her nose and glancing off her opposite cheek before landing on the couch cushion.

The previous few hours – god, Kate didn't even want to think about them. But of course, when you tell yourself not to think about something, that's the first thing your mind lands on. So, despite her best efforts, she found herself dwelling endlessly on her conversation with Castle in the hospital hallway. "It's about your mother." Words that were currently haunting even the deepest corner of her thoughts. Kate remembered his deathly serious face, his sad eyes, his lips forming the words that would change her life forever. She remembered feeling her stomach come to rest somewhere around her toes, the feeling of her heart pounding in her throat, the tears welling up in her eyes. She remembered saying things – angry, hateful things – and leaving. Just running away. Even in her semi-numb state, Kate winced inwardly. If there was anything in the world she hated, it was showing weakness. Yet she had run, straight to her car, to her apartment, where she promptly collapsed on the couch in a fit of sobs.

Kate felt like she'd been through a war. Everything was in pain. Her head was throbbing with unanswered questions, both about her mother and about Castle. Her heart hurt for the same two people. She missed her mother desperately and, as much as she hated to admit it, was absolutely devastated that Castle would do the one thing she specifically (and emotionally, no less) asked him not to do. Even her body hurt, for some odd reason. She felt small, stepped on, broken. Heavy.

Night began to fall. The room slowly darkened, but Kate made no effort to get up and turn on a light. She was determined not to think and, more importantly, not to feel. So she remained motionless in a fetal position, dully cursing the fact that her insides simply ached.

A knock at the door jolted Kate out of her reverie. She slowly stood up and shuffled to the door, expecting to see a neighbor through the peephole. But who she saw instead snapped her back to reality. She quickly kicked off her shoes and wrestled herself out of her coat, attempting to rid her face of any tear residue and puffiness while at the same time reaching for the light switch. When she thought she looked presentable (and not like she'd been moping in her outerwear for a number of hours), she took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Martha, hi," Kate said, trying her hardest not to appear upset.

Martha looked at her and smiled sadly. "Hello, dear. Is this a bad time?"

"No, no, please come in." She gestured into her apartment.

"Thank you, I'll only be a moment."

She stepped inside, and Kate closed the door behind her. "Can I get you anything? Glass of wine?"

"For the first time in my life, I think I have to turn down that offer. But thank you," Martha said.

"Oh, okay." Kate was somewhat taken aback; she'd never seen this serious side of Castle's mother. Granted, they had only met several times, but she had assumed that the outspoken, gesticulating, oddball side to her was the only one that existed. "Here, sit down." She led Martha over to the couch. When the other woman's back was turned, she surreptitiously tried to kick some crumpled, tearstained tissues under the couch. "What can I do for you?" she asked, sitting down next to her.

"Well," Martha said slowly, rotating herself slightly to look Kate more directly in the face, "I'm sure this is the last thing you want to hear, but I wanted to talk to you about my son."

Kate did her best to keep her expression blank, though she really wanted to scowl darkly. She limited herself to a small nod. Martha, however, saw Kate's expression change as soon as Rick was mentioned. "Now, for the record, I am absolutely on your side."

Kate's eyebrows almost disappeared into her hairline. "Really?"

Martha chuckled at her expression. "Oh yes! Your past is your own business, and he had no right to go exploring it unless he had gotten your permission."

Before Kate had time to react, however, Martha continued. "But I feel there's something you need to know." Kate looked at her, expecting the worst. "He did it because he cares."

A moment passed; Kate wasn't sure how to respond. "Because he cares?"

Martha nodded. "Yes, probably too much for his own good." Looking over at Kate, whose brow was slightly furrowed, she realized she needed to explain. "He'd had the file for some time now. Brought it home rather late one night after the two of you wrapped up that … missing person case, I believe."

"The night I told him," Kate said, more to herself than to Martha, trying to put the pieces together.

Martha continued. "He didn't do much of anything with it until recently, when he asked the help of a friend of his, who happens to be a rather fabulous forensic pathologist." She glanced at Kate. "He was very determined to find something," she said, making sure that Kate understood.

Kate nodded silently. "He did mention that he has resources," she said, needing her to continue.

"By the time I found out, it was too late; the man had already left with the file. There was nothing I could do to stop the process at that point, but I told him to either drop it or tell you what he was doing. He, of course, didn't see the need. Said something about this being different than snooping around in your underwear drawer."

"Because that would be selfish snooping," Kate said, before she realized she was saying anything. She cringed, and made a mental note to practice turning off 'Detective Beckett' when she left the precinct.

Martha nodded. "Precisely. Anyway, the next I heard of it was after Richard had found out…" she trailed off, unwilling to explicitly state the unsavory information. Kate secretly appreciated it. Martha paused for a beat, but continued. "Honestly, Kate, I've never seen him so upset."

Kate was speechless. Despite herself, she felt her heartbeat quicken slightly. "Really?" she said quietly.

"Really," Martha confirmed. "I mean, the man's gone through a number of flopped books and two divorces, but this really hurt him deep down. To know such a horrible thing, to know what knowing it would do to you…" she trailed off again. "I told him that he simply had to tell you, but I saw that he already knew what must be done. And trust me, Kate, it devastated him to think that you might end your partnership and hate him forever."

Kate was extremely touched. Feeling tears begin to prick her eyes, she said, "Yet he still told me."

"He respects you too much not to," Martha answered softly.

The two women sat in silence for a few moments as Kate attempted to collect her thoughts. Her head was spinning, but things were starting to make sense. She heard Castle's voice in her head, as clear as if he was sitting on the couch next to her.

"I'm touched that you thought of me."

"You'll have nothing to be embarrassed about. She's going to be really smart. Very savvy. Haunting good looks. Really good at her job..."

"I can't shoot him from down here!"
"Yeah, well he can't shoot you either!"

"Oh, funny! And a smile, good!"

"…But if you need me, call. Even if it's just to talk."

"That's what makes you extraordinary."

Kate's heart was back in her throat. Could it be possible that Rick Castle had feelings for her? Real, honest-to-God feelings? She smiled wryly to herself. Men do not tell any woman that she's extraordinary just to get her into bed. But that's what Castle had called her: extraordinary. The most she'd ever gotten from Will was a "babe, you're awesome," or a "my cell will be on if there's an emergency." Never a heartfelt confession, a glimmer of concern for her wellbeing; even cops like to be worried about once in awhile. Not only was Castle concerned, he would let her make fun of him if it meant she would crack a smile.

She took a deep breath and turned to Martha. "Thank you so much for telling me this."

Martha smiled. "It's the least I could do, dear. My son does noble things so rarely, I couldn't let this one go unnoticed." She stood up. "I should get going."

Kate stood too, and followed her to the door. Martha stopped and turned around. "I don't know if you told him not to come back to the precinct, but…Alexis and I will be out all afternoon tomorrow. Do with that what you wish."

Kate smiled. This woman was sharper than she'd thought. "Thanks, that's helpful."

Martha gave her a knowing wink and stepped into the hallway. Kate closed the door behind her, feeling equally as conflicted as she had earlier, but significantly uplifted. She now knew what she had to do.

hope you enjoyed! 2 more chapters are coming soon! =]