Spoilers: Through 14
Rating:M
Joe, Stephanie and Ranger all unknowingly take the same online sex survey. Babe one shot. Not Cupcake friendly. Just for fun!
The Characters aren't mine and I'm not making any money. I'm sure Maxim Magazine has had several sex surveys over the years but this particular survey is purely a product of my imagination.
Maxim Magazine Online Survey
What's going on in your bedroom? Maxim would like for you to participate in a completely anonymous online survey. Survey responses will be reviewed and collated and will help us to let our readers know what really goes on behind closed doors. Please answer all questions honestly and to the best of your ability.
Joe
Sexual Orientation: I prefer to be on the bottom. It's easier on my back. I have sciatica.
Total sexual partners: You've got to be kidding. But I know I didn't do my cousin. Well, I know now.
Age you lost your virginity: 13. But I fingered a girl when I was 8. Shwing!
Are you comfortable with masturbation? I'm a guy.
Would you say you have a high sex drive? Hello! I'm Italian!
Have you ever had a problem achieving an erection? The boys are always on the job when I need them.
How long can you maintain an erection? For the full two minutes.
Have you ever participated in a ménage a trios? Almost. But it was more like a scheduling conflict, or, you know, my 'appointment' ran over and the girls crossed paths but they really didn't seem to be "on board" with the program.
Bondage: She won't let me anywhere near handcuffs ever since that whole shower rod thing. Dammit.
Group sex: Does a circle jerk count?
Role playing: Takes to long.
Giving oral sex: Fine.
Receiving oral sex: Is the Pope Catholic?
Anal sex: Not in the last three years. Dammit.
What's your position on foreplay? A necessary evil.
Dirty talk: I wish.
What music would you say is the best soundtrack for making love? The Monday night football theme song.
Does being in love make sex better for you? What?
Are you a faithful lover? Is this really anonymous?
What's the most spontaneous thing you've done sexually? See question 8. Hey, that was some real 'outside the box' thinking. Too bad it didn't pan out. Dammit.
Ranger
1. Sexual Orientation: Hetero.
2. Total number of sexual partners? I'm sure it's fewer than 20.
3. Age you lost your virginity: 14
Are you comfortable with masturbation? I'm a guy.
Would you say you have a high sex drive? Yes. Hello? I'm Cuban!
Have you ever had a problem achieving and erection? Never. I've had a continuous one for the last three years.
How long can you maintain an erection? As long as she needs or until she whimpers, "enough already!"
Have you ever participated in a ménage a trios? Yes.
Bondage: Yes.
Group sex: No.
Role playing: Absolutely.
Giving oral sex: Mmmmm.
Receiving oral sex: Is the Pope Catholic?
Anal sex: Yes. Females need only apply. Or be persuaded.
What's your position on foreplay? You have to start a fire before you get the urge to hose somebody off.
Dirty Talk: Yes. It's non negotiable.
17. What music would you say is the best soundtrack for sex: Nine Inch Nails.
Does being in love make sex better for you? I'm guessing yes but she hasn't given me any opportunity to prove my theory.
Are you a faithful lover? Yes. And this sucks.
20. What's the most spontaneous thing you've done sexually? I made a deal.
Stephanie
1. Sexual Orientation: Hetero
2. Total number sexual partners: Three. Four if you count my shower massage.
3. Age you lost your virginity: 16
4. Are you comfortable with masturbation? Duh! See question 2.
5. Would you say you have a high sex drive? Hello! I'm half Hungarian!
Have you ever had a problem achieving and erection? If by achieve, you mean cause, then no.
How long can you maintain an erection? As long as I need it. Some people make me hurry.
Have you ever participated in a ménage a trios? Absolutely not! Unless you count a man and a shower massager.
Bondage: NO! Silk scarves don't really fall into the category of bondage, do they? I mean, it was just that ONE NIGHT and he said they were just there to remind me to stay really still, and because I might have a problem with authority and maybe I needed to learn to submit to…I'm going to stick with no.
Group sex? NO! I like a good social orgasm but not that social!
Role playing? Maybe. I really was a bad girl so that wasn't really a role, was it?
Giving oral sex: I'm game.
Receiving oral sex: Is the Pope Catholic?
Anal sex: NO! Exit only! And if somebody was playing around back there the ONE NIGHT I was with him, I'm sure I didn't like it and if I did like it, it was because I was confused and those two areas are reallyclose and I was almost there, but like I said, I'm sure I didn't like it and maybe it didn't happen. Are these surveys really anonymous?
Dirty talk: NO! And if somebody was doing it or making me do it that ONE NIGHT I was with him, I'm sure I didn't like it and if I seemed to like it, it was because I didn't want to break the mood or hurt his feelings and if I happened to have talked dirty it was because he kept asking me to call my parts and his parts by these really bad names and he seemed unclear about what my parts were doing and what I wanted him to do with my parts and his parts so I had to explain it to him in a way he could clearly understand. But if that happened, I'm sure I didn't like it. Because that would make me a very bad girl. And you know what happens to bad girls.
What's your position on foreplay? I'll assume any position to get some.
What music would you say is the best soundtrack for making love? Slow Ride by Foghat. But I could work with Nine Inch Nails.
Does being in love make sex better for you? Yes. No. I'll get back to you…someday.
Are you a faithful lover? Yes. Mostly. Kissing doesn't count, does it?
20. What's the most spontaneous thing you've done sexually? Forward this survey to a cop and a mercenary.