The Dating Game

By: Bob Rhynoplasty

Summary: Our favorite game that I've never watched mixed in with our favorite characters!

Disclaimer: If I owned them I wouldn't be living in a $400 a month apartment now would I?

A/N: More after the movie rather than the book. Also, I wrote this a couple of years ago, and I got obsessed with reading LOTR fanfics, and I kept finding all these stories that were hysterical, but kept making Legolas this pansy gay man who's totally in love with himself. So I wrote my own, where he's not so girly. So there's probably a lot of these types of stories. Also, written is play form.

Part One: Arwen

HOST: Welcome to the Dating Game!!!

(We see three men sitting near the right wall, nervous and sweating. On the opposite side is one empty chair. The two are separated by a giant wall.)

HOST: How about we meet our three lucky bachelors! Bachelor 1, state your name, occupation and why you are in the Fellowship of the Ring!

(Bachelor 1 finally takes his gaze off his sparkly purple mirror to turn to the crowd with a pathetic smile.)

BACHELOR 1: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, right queen…KING of Gondor. I am in the Fellowship to seen brave so when I'm crowned queen- KING!- My followers will feel safe.

HOST: Uh-huh. Ok. Bachelor 2, same question, thing.

(Bachelor 2 smiled a sweet, sexy smile. The (male) host drooled.)

BACHELOR 2: I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, prince of Mirkwood and I'm in the Fellowship to ensure that the Ring gets destroyed so Middle Earth will be safe. Also so no Hobbits get raped.

(The more Legolas talked the more the host drooled. He was staring at him with a scary glare. Finally, after being hit in the head with a flying pencil, he came out of his trance.)

HOST: Right, uh, Bachelor 3.

BACHELOR 3: I am Theoden, son of Thengell. I am not in the Fellowship, but I am the King of Rohan!

HOST: Ok, two kings, one (drools.) prince. Ok, now that we know our bachelors, let's meet our bachelorette. Please welcome, Arwen!

(The bachelorette, Arwen, walks out.)

HOST: Now, tell us about yourself.

ARWEN: Well, I am Arwen, daughter of Elrond, granddaughter of Galadriel. I am single, and I'm here rebelling against my father.

(She smiles.)

HOST: Uh-huh. Well, Arwen you can ask a series of questions and then choose a bachelor for yourself. Are you ready?

ARWEN: Of course. Bachelor 1, how would you describe the perfect date?

ARAGORN: Oh well, she'd be my king – QUEEN! We would sit I my hall polishing my staff……I so just said that.

ARWEN: (Very disturbed.) Oook, bachelor 2, same question.

LEGOLAS: It would be in Lothlorien, a place close to be worthy of her beauty. We would sit along, dance when there was no music, laugh at nothing. We'd spend hours talking, until I watch her fall asleep.

(Arwen drooled, the host tied himself down to prevent from jumping Legolas, and Theoden cried.)

ARWEN: Oh yeah, bachelor 3, same question.

THEODEN: Legolas is my date.

ARWEN: Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Bachelor 1, describe the perfect girl.

ARAGORN: He – SHE'LL – have shoulder length brown hair, blue eyes, strongly built, stubbly, wait (He notices he's looked in his mirror again.) That's me. Ooooooh. Ok, she's gotta be hot. (He puts down the mirror.)

ARWEN: That's nice. (She perks up.) Bachelor 2, same question.

LEGOLAS: She would be beautiful inside as well as out, bright blue eyes like the stars, her long dark hair would shine more that the sun. And our love will outdo all evil.

(Arwen cries and blushes. The host runs to buy a long brown haired wig. Theoden begins stroking Legolas' outer thigh. Legolas, feeling uncomfortable, scoots towards Aragorn, who smells Legolas' hair.)

ARWEN: Oh, uh, bachelor 3, same question.

THEODEN: Blonde hair, blue eyed. Six foot one, can kill an orc from a mile away, a prince….ess I can make I queen.

(As he says this he wouldn't take his eyes off Legolas. Legolas again felt uncomfortable.)

ARWEN: Good to know, (Slightly annoyed.) Bachelor 1, if you could be any animal what would you be and why?

ARAGORN: A lion, it's a hunter, like me! (again, he smiles a pathetic smiles.)

LEGOLAS: The lioness is the hunter, not the lion.

ARAGORN: Yeah, sure.

ARWEN: You're an idiot. Bachelor 2 what about you?

(She smiled, waiting to hear the answer, the host was putting on lipstick, and Aragorn was looking in his mirror again.)

LEGOLAS: An eagle, a warrior bird, so I can fly high to watch all the beauty of the world. Fly high and free, and at the end of everyday fly towards the setting sun.

ARWEN: I love you bachelor 2, I do.

LEGOLAS: I love your to my lady.

ARWEN: (Swoons.) Oh, um, yeah, bachelor 3.

THEODEN: The snake. The eagle devours the snake. And Legolas' evil can devour my snake.

LEGOLAS: Uuuuuuh, look there's Éowyn! (He points backstage.)

THEODEN: Éowyn is my niece, not my love. (He put his hand on Legolas' leg. Legolas pulled out his bow and scooted Théoden's hand off him.)

LEGOLAS: You scare me.

ARWEN: OK! Bachelor 1, are you a virgin?

ARAGORN: Absolutely not! I lost it in collge.

ARWEN: With yourself?

ARAGORN: No, that was when I was eight.

ARWEN: I bet, anyway Bachelor 2, are you a virgin?

LEGOLAS: I am 2,931 years old. And I've waited this long to find my love, and I'll wait longer before I have sex. Yes, I am a virgin.

THEODEN: (Whispers to Legolas.) I can fix that.

(Legolas scoots towards Aragorn who begins brushing Legolas' beautiful hair. Legolas pulls his hair bac and scoots forward where he gets drooled on by the audience and the now drag queen host. He scoots back.)

ARWEN: Me too!

HOST: (Cracks up.) Yeah right, you a virgin!

ARWEN: You got that off the movie "Mr. Deeds." Get your own lines! Bachelor 3, you?

THEODEN: I have a son, obviously I'm no-. Where is Theodred? Where is my son?

ARAGORN: He died a few years ago.

THEODEN: Oh right, Legolas, wanna make me feel better?

LEGOLAS: Gandalf can do that!

THEODEN: Gandalf's too old.

LEGOLAS: You're old. AND I'M OLDER!

THEODEN: But hotter. (He smiles. He again put his hand on Legolas' leg. this time he stroked his leg while moving "North.")

LEGOLAS: SECURITY!!!!

(Security comes out, picks Theoden up and escorted him off stage. Legolas slouched in his chair in relief.)

ARWEN: Finally! Bachelor 1, have you ever kissed a man?

ARAGORN: Too many times to count. Around 200 times.

ARWEN: Not yourself.

ARAGORN: Oh, then five.

LEGOLAS: Why, how could you kiss yourself?

ARAGORN: I'm very bendy.

AUDIENCE: EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!

ARWEN: Didn't need to hear that. Bachelor 2 my love, what about you?

LEGOLAS: Well my love, I've been hit on by men but never kissed one.

THEODEN: LEGOLAS I LOVE YOU! BE MY QUEEN!

(Legolas jumps up to avoid Theoden. Theoden tackles Legolas and drags him out. they walk by Arwen. Knowing the beautiful Legolas is the love of her life she leaps up out of her seat to rescue him but the security held her back. While a few went after Theoden and his prize, Legolas.)

ARWEN: Don't take him, bachelor 2, what's your name?

LEGOLAS: Legolas my love!

ARWEN: Get off me! Legolas I'll come for you! Where are you going?

THEODEN: Edoras, my lady.

ARWEN: I'll find you! I love you! I love you!

LEGOLAS: I love you too!

(And with that they left the studio. Arwen was chained down to her chair. (No, not like that.))

HOST: Well, Arwen, you are now stuck with bachelor 1, let's bring him out!

(Arwen closed her eyes. Tears filling her eyes. The wall between them lifts and Aragorn walks in front of her.)

HOST: Arwen, open your eyes and meet Aragorn!!!

(Arwen's eyes open.)

ARWEN: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

ARAGORN: What am I ugly to you?

ARWEN: Immensely.

ARAGORN: I am a beautiful wom…MAN!

ARWEN: Right, we have to go to Edoras.

HOST: Actually, you have to go to Gondor for Aragorn's perfect date. Where you sit in his hall and polish his "staff."

ARWEN: You so just said that!

HOST: Yes I did.

ARWEN: Fine, but I have to rescue my love!

ARAGORN: What I'm not your love?

ARWEN: No!

HOST: And we'll be right back after the break with a new bachelorette!