This was inspired by a gif I made from the Mirror scene in 1.4. She gives herself a little smile and I die
Gif and smile can be found here post/105309715923/that-little-half-smile-she-does-dear-diary-you
Dear Diary,
You know what I'm not unpretty; I could be quite beautiful if I tried. If only I was allowed to let my hair down and get some glasses that weren't so old and face obscuring. I realised this earlier when I was looking in the mirror. I shouldn't have been doing so really, I shouldn't be vain and I certainly should not have removed my cap and veil. But the nurses had gone out dancing again. I so wanted to join them. Just one night out with the nurses is all I want, one night when I can sit in their rooms and drink gin with them; do they really think I don't know about that? One night when I can lacquer my hair and put some makeup on, not even a lot, a little would do, just something to bring out my eyes like Mama used to do. Just one night where I can wear a pretty dress and not have to wear this thick heavy habit. One night when I can be Shelagh again and not have to worry about learning about the administration involved in running a convent, one night where I don't have to get in between Sister Monica Joan and Sister Evangelina in one of their many squabbles, one night where I can take a bath and not have to avert my gaze from my own body, one night when I can be free of all the responsibility and expectations.
I love being a nun but sometimes I wonder if I joined the convent too early, if I forgot to experience life first. Dad was so supportive after I first mentioned the idea to him, but it was only an idea, he ran with it, got in contact with the nuns at St Mary's straight away, sent me off to live with them. It was only an idea. I was only 15. I only ever wanted to make him proud. And I did. That makes it all worth it. I was all he had left in this world; he only ever wanted the best for me.
But what if I had waited? Decided not to tell him about it. Would I still have felt the calling if I hadn't have been surrounded by people supporting my assumed decision? Would I have found my place in the world as Shelagh? Would I still be a nurse or a midwife? Would I have gone out dancing and drinking with friends and had boyfriend?. Would I have a husband and a family by now? Would I be a mother? I'd have liked to have been a mother had things been different. A little mini me to look up to me and need me. Would they have had the green Mannion eyes or the MacDonald blue or eyes from their father's family? I wonder, sometimes, what it must be like to have that one person who you wake in the arms of every morning, who knows you better than anyone, who will love you regardless of your faults. I know God does this and I am proud to be a bride of his but it isn't the same as having a corporeal person there holding your hand. Not better or worse, I would imagine, just different.
I shouldn't allow myself to think like this. This is no time for what ifs. I AM Sister Bernadette no matter what could have happened. And as such I can't be vain and I can't have a family besides my Sisters. I made my choice long ago and I am happy in my life. These thoughts are natural, inevitable, Sister Evangelina warned me about them 9 years ago when I joined here as a postulant. This is a phase, a test from God to make sure of my dedication to Him. I am dedicated to Him. I love Him. I should pray more. Rededicate myself to him. Ask him for forgiveness for the amount to which I succumbed to the feelings.
I hear Sister Monica Joan shouting about cake. I should go and make sure Sister Evangelina isn't about to strangle her.
Until the next time diary,
Sister Bernadette (OSRN)
(Shelagh Annelies Mannion)
Reviews always appreciated xxx