Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: This was based on something from tumblr I've read about Snape giving Mcgonagall a mug saying "The best Gryffindor for the job is a slytherin." I can't remember where I saw it from and I'd appreciate anyone who could give me the link. Also, this is something of a challenge for myself since writing anything funny isn't my forte. This will be part of a series where Snape is a little OOC, and it will be named Mug!Verse because why the hell not?
The Slytherin Common Room was buzzing with harsh prefects are clustered in a corner, not bothering with silencing their housemates, they all know when to stop talking. The common room door blasts open and everyone scrambles to an organized position. Professor Snape walks towards the fire place, making his shadows longer and more menacing. The students held their breath.
"I have managed to salvage the situation. The Headmaster will not be deducting points nor will professor McGonagall." They all new better than to release their breaths.
"However, The Headmaster has given a form of punishment he deems more suitable for the misconduct." His glare pierced the sixth and seventh years responsible. "What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"It really was the Gryffindors who started everything professor-"
"And what have i said every year when term begins?" His whispered voice carrying the deadly air which made them shiver.
"That everyone in Hogwarts will be against us." They all murmured. He has alluded that he will not take points from his own house and instead, would dole out punishment in the privacy of their common room. They got the hint that they must never give him cause to do such things by not being caught.
"Yes, you can count yourselves lucky that the Headmaster is in his jovial moods. Or perhaps, unlucky." He smirked at them. "The Headmaster requests that everyone in this house will give some token to the offended party, namely all the Gryffindors, nothing too flashy just enough for the dunderheads to fill their heads with air." He then scowled at them, "Everyone somehow includes me. The Headmaster believes that I have been too lenient on you. I will be the one presenting a token to Professor McGonagall." They didn't bother apologizing. What's done is done.
"I will give you fifteen minutes to discuss what you deem worthy of a token. I will come back and approve of the idea. Come up with t least three possibilities." Meaning, they and to have three more as backup, all of which would have to be defended.
Without another word, their head of house left their common room and they all breathed easily once more.
THE BEST GRYFFINDOR
Severus smirked to himself. It was always fun to torment his snakeling and making them squirm. He was surprised that his snakes dared to commit such a bold prank on the Gryffindors, so close to the end of term as well. Perhaps their winning streak has gone to their heads. Minerva's fury in the Headmaster's office was justified though, if his students were on the receiving end of such a prank, he'd pull a fit twice as vicious and empty the points of Gryffindor, not that they have a lot of points to lose.
The Headmaster had been amused and he was sure most of the staff were as well. The so-called punishment was easily dealt with. Present a token to mollify the rage of the lion.
He glanced at the clock, his students should be done by now. They resumed the position when he walked back into the snake pit. A blackboard was propped by the fireplace and his prefects were standing by it.
"What have you come up with then?" He sat at the plush armchair by the fire usually reserved for him.
"A charm, professor. Either a necklace or a bracelet. It would have runes engraved on it for-"
"The charm would take too long. The Gryffindor's numbers are too much and it would take too long, we are to present this at the leaving ceremony. And having it rushed would cost a lot more, though I don't doubt your financial capabilities, it would not guarantee a perfect product. This token will reflect upon our house and it should be nothing short of perfect."
Another prefect stepped forward. "Sir, we have entertained the idea of giving them school supplies-"
"That they would scoff and most likely throw away. I appreciate practicality but I doubt those morons will." This was a matter of pride.
The snakes are getting anxious. One of the culprits raised his hand.
"Yes, Smith?"
"How about a novelty mug, sir? We could have it made in Hogsmeade, and the lions could use it in the leaving feast instead of goblets."
H cocked his head. Practical but nothing flashy. Easily made and it would be something those dunderheads could lord over his students. Maybe-
"We could personalize it, sir. Have it say something clever."
"We could charm it too! I heard from a Hufflepuff that muggles personalize mugs that show texts when they have hot water in them."
Clever. It was all rather clever, but it lacked something.
"I am not opposed to the idea of charming it. Though we should leave it to the shop in Hogsmeade. any suggestions on what it would say?"
It wasn't until later that Severus would think back on this moment and realize just how devious and petty his house could get. Mores the pity for those who oppose them.
FOR THE JOB
Slytherin would most likely win the House Cup but the mood in their table was somber. They were to present the tokens just before the announcement of the winner, which was a blow to their pride.
The Gryffindors were smug in their table, they may have lost the battle but they did win the war.
THe Headmaster finished his speech and signalled Severus to proceed. Severus stood and all eyes were on him. "It is with honour that I present this to Gryffindor's head of house. It is not much but we hope to correct an assumption between our houses." Severus gritted out. Minerva's grin as she accepted the package was adding insult to injury. The Gryffindor red mug with the golden text of "The best gryffindor for the job" was an eye sore for Severus yet he endured. Owls burst through the Great Hal and dropped similar packages to he students. "Those are from a shop in Hogsmeade, the Headmaster and myself made sure that they do not contain any malicious spells so you could rest assure that they are safe. Several people also made sure that they are unbreakable. It wouldn't do to have them break from an accident." He sneered.
From "The best gryffindor for potions" to "The best gryffindor for swimming", variants of the phrases pleased the house of the lion. Severus sat back down and drank from his mug.
Dumbledore once again made a speech and announced them victor for the House Cup and the slytherins applauded. The feast began and the lions used their mugs much to the bemusement of the snakes.
Minerva was just finishing her tea as she talked with Filius when it happened. As she took the final sip, Flitwick all but spat his tea as he fought the laughter in his throat. "If you say so, Minerva." He gasped out before looking away to cough and pound his chest.
Severus smirked at the exchange. Th golden texts were a pain to think about back then. The Slytherins all smirked behind their own mugs, green with the silver text of "Slytherins always win." What the others don't know is that Zonko's was more than happy to accept their design for the mugs. The Golden text would copy itself on the bottom of the mug once it began running out, once out, the silver text of "Is a slytherin." would connect itself to the golden text.
Minerva glared at the "The best gryffindor for the job is a slytherin." statement before glaring at her colleague. "Oh my, perhaps there was an error in the order. You see, the Slytherins and I wanted a mug of our own as well, perhaps they got the phrases mixed up." Severus smirked as he drank from his mug with he text "The best Head of House". Minerva glared at the bottom message of her cup and sneering as Severus finished his. With exaggerated movements, The slytherin glanced at the bottom of his mug and raised an eyebrow. "My, the utter cheek of the children. I shall be having words with them in the common room." He said in a dead-pan voice, not even pretending to be outraged. "The best Head of House supports his snakes."
Severus' eyes glinted with mirth as they watched the Gryffindor's outraged expressions. He could hear a gryffindor shouting at the slytherins with his snake calmly stating that the shop possibly mixed up the phrasing all the while finishing her juice to show the message of "Slytherins always win." Where do they get their sass from, he wondered with amusement."
Pomona laughed at all their expressions. "My goodness Severus, I may order something like that someday, though without the mistake of the shop, hopefully" She grinned mischievously. "I doubt that they would make the same mistakes twice." He replied.
"Exactly which shop did you get these from?" Filius looked at his mug. He opened his mouth to answer but decided against it, Minerva looked murderous. "I shall give you their cards later." He assured the professors.
The Headmaster looked disapproving at him though even he couldn't stop his amusement. "They did comply with the punishment, Minerva. I daresay this year wouldn't be one easily forgotten by everyone."
It was the year that slytherins killed the gryffindors with kindness. Passive-agressive gifts of kindness, but such is the way of the snakes.
IS A SLYTEHRIN
It was the beginning of term and the new Headmistress was searching the staff room for anymore of her belongings. She saw the gryffindor mug laying on the floor hidden by some furniture. She smiled a it briefly before frowning. She remembered throwing it against the wall after Severus returned and assued the post of Headmaster with death eaters. She had been so angry at him. It was one of those sleepless nights patrolling the corridors and she gave in to her body and came searching for caffeine. It was the first mug she grabbed and quickly poured in the bitter coffee she detested. It wasn't until it was empty that she remembered where the mug came from, she felt herself grow cold and willed it not to be true. When she saw the message at the bottom, she hurled it t the wall before leaving the staff room.
She gazed at it now with fond memories tinged with drops of bitterness. She thanked Severus for having the pettiness of making it unbreakable. She washed it by the sink and filled t up with tea. She had to speak to the new portrait. Perhaps she could persuade him to tell her where his own mug was stashed.