Title: Rumors
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Warnings: Minor slash joke near the end.,. No real slash.,. That's all, I guess.
Summary: Shortly after taking Obi Wan as his padawan, the pair find themselves in trouble with the council and Obi asks Qui-Gon about some of the things he's heard...
Disclaimer: I own nothing. :(
A/N: I realize this is short, five pages on Microsoft word, but I ran out of ideas. I you guys want another chapter or a longer version of this one, send me ideas. I'll work something out. Luvs! –Ishi-chan
Master Mace Windu stalked towards the taller Master, an obviously frustrated expression on his face. This was the third time this week that they had had to meet with Qui Gon, and the other two times had been just as annoying as this meeting, if not quite so bizarre.
"Don't look at me." Qui Gon said, his face the perfect picture of calm. "I don't even like shrimp."
"Well then how do you suppose-"
"It was me."
All eyes turned to the smaller figure standing the customary two steps behind Qui Gon.
"Padawan? What.,.?"
Thirteen year old Obi Wan looked up hesitantly at the Masters. "I thought I was supposed to."
"What? Obi Wan, where on earth did you get the notion that you were supposed to order twenty five pounds of shrimp with my name on it?"
"Because you're a kelpie." He replied innocently.
"Huh?"
"A kelpie. A water sprite that can change its' shape and lives off of seafood. I'm sorry; I didn't know you didn't like shrimp." Obi Wan looked miserable. "Do you think they'll exchange it for something else? Do you like salmon? Or maybe-"
A snort of laughter interrupted his tirade. Master Windu was quite unsuccessfully trying to quell his chuckles.
Obi Wan looked at the man oddly.
"Master Windu? Are you choking?"
"No." Mace managed to force his snickers into silence, but couldn't keep the mirthful smile off his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, kid, but Qui's not a kelpie. He's just another boring human like you and me."
"Hey! I'm not boring!"
"Yes you are, now shut up for a second so we can straighten this out. Where did you get the impression that Qui Gon was a kelpie?"
"Reeft told me."
"Reeft?" Qui Gon was the one who snorting this time. "I suggest that you ignore him. He listens to too much gossip and believes all of it. I promise you, I'm not a kelpie."
"Oh." Obi Wan's shoulder slumped slightly. "I'm sorry."
"It's alright."
"Um, Master?" Obi glanced up hopefully at the taller man.
"Yes, padawan?"
"Since that's not true, can I ask you about some of the other rumors about you so I don't make anymore mistakes?"
"Sure. I didn't even know there were any rumors about me."
"Oh, there are rumors about all the masters; you're just the best known."
"Alright then.,. What is it you would like to know?"
"And don't forget to ask me some." Mace interjected. "I can tell you anything that he's not willing to answer."
"Ok." Obi replied cheerfully. "Now, since you're not a kelpie, I'm going to assume you're also not a Moralian giant or a vampire. So is it true that you once mistook a Mon Comorian for a giant fish and ate them?"
"What?! No!"
"Oh, that's good."
"Hey, is that why your friend Bant keep running away from me and hiding when I go towards her?"
"Yep. Next question. Are you really eight feet tall and weigh five hundred pounds? I don't think you're quite eight feet but it's hard to tell from down here."
"I am six foot five and I weigh two hundred and ten pounds."
Obi Wan studied his master from far below, then shook his head disbelievingly. "If you say so. So, is it true that the entire council hates you?"
At this point Mace fell into a violent coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like suppressed laughter. Qui Gon shot him a dirty look before answering. "No, they don't hate me. We just have.,. Differences of opinions. And disagreements. Lots and lots of disagreements."
"So you've never beat up Master Yoda?"
"What?! No, of course I haven't!"
"And you never tossed Master Windu out of a window?"
"Well.,. not really."
"Not really?"
"Alright, maybe a little bit."
"Master, how can you throw somebody a little bit out of a window?"
"Fine. I was seventeen and he made me mad, so I threw him through a window and we got in a fight."
"Got in a fight?" Mace's coughing fit had cleared up real quick. "More like I pounded you into the ground."
"You did not!"
"I broke your nose three times that year!"
"Oh, so it wasn't from a battle to the death with a sith lord? I'll remember that." Obi muttered distractedly. The Masters ignored him.
"No, I stopped fighting back because Master Dooku was coming towards us and I wanted as few meditations as possible. You actually got anywhere near me because I didn't want another 'violence and revenge are bad' lecture. And besides, I only threw you out the window because you shorted out my saber."
"I only shorted it out because you used it to chop off all my hair!"
"Wow! You had hair, Master Windu?"
"Ha!" Qui laughed. "He used to have an afro two feet in diameter! We had to shove on his head to get it through the class room doors! I remember he got stuck in a room one time and stood there for and hour yelling for help before we found him."
"It was a closet, oddly enough one you locked me in. It took a month for my hair to grow back!"
"Yeah, and then it happened again so you went bald and started waxing your head!"
"I DON'T WAX MY HEAD!!!"
"Yeah, right."
"I don't! And at least I don't have lime green curlers sitting in my bathroom closet!"
"I don't either!"
"Yes, you do, Master." Obi Wan interjected. "I saw them." He turned to Mace "But I think they're really closer to puce than lime green."
Mace blinked. "Really?" He asked. "I was just joking about the rollers."
Qui Gon shifted uncomfortably. "They were a gag gift from Tahl." He muttered. "I don't actually use them. Obi Wan, are there any other things we need to clear up?"
"Just a few. Is it true you were once arrested by the Coruscant Security Forces for jumping a fence in the buff when you were covered in cheese?"
The entire council blinked simultaneously as Mace cracked up and Qui Gon turned thirty three different shades of red. "Um.,. of course not! No, no, no, no, who, me? I'm dignified! I would never do something like that! Nope, not me, must be some one else, cause it wasn't me! Sure wasn't.,." He clasped his hands in front of him and bounced on his toes a bit nervously, flat out refusing to meet anyone's eyes.
Obi Wan raised an eyebrow. "You know that you just denied it ten times in, like, four sentences? It sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself..."
"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to question your Master? I will always be right. It's infallible. Ask me another question so we can leave."
"Um, ok..,. Is it true that on the ocean of some planet you wrestled down a thirty two foot long Ceridian shark and ate it?"
"What is it about these rumors and me eating seafood? I don't even like seafood! Yes, I did, but I used the Force, it was only fourteen feet long, I let it go, and I only did it because it tried to eat the duchess I was babysitting- I mean, protecting."
"Cool. Alright, last one I can think of for now... Is it true that Mace is your secret lover and that all these fights you guys get into are really just lover's quarrels?"
Qui Gon's eye started to twitch. Mace glanced at him and saw the beginnings of that's-so-wrong-I-can't-even-begin-to-comprehend-it-itis, so he stepped in.
"That's so wrong I can't even begin to comprehend it. Is that what people really think about us? Ew, no, I don't want you to answer that. " He shuddered slightly. "That's gross. Me and Qui? No. Never. That's like.,. like Master Yoda and Master Adi.,. It's just.,,. no. No, no, no. Ew. Bad mental image." Shudder.
Nobody noticed Master Adi blush or Yoda shift uncomfortably in his chair.
Qui Gon's twitch finally stopped. "That's wrong." He agreed. "But hopefully it's the end of the questions.,.?" He glanced at Obi Wan.
"Yep." He agreed cheerfully "That's all of them. At least, all of the ones I can think of. May I ask you about others as I hear about them?"
"Sure. Why not. It'd be nice to know what people are saying behind my back, at any rate."
"OK. And I really am sorry about the shrimp."
"Ah, you're still young and stupid. It's alright."
"Um, ok..,. What ever you say, Master."
"Good doggie. Now, if we have the Council's permission to leave.,.?"
"Sure." Mace replied. "Go ahead. Oh, and Qui?"
"Yeah?"
He glanced at Obi Wan, then winked suggestively at Qui Gon. "I'll see you tonight."
Qui Gon's eye twitched.
finis