DISCLAIMER: If I owned Naruto, Sakura would prove Sasuke gay.
Chapter One: Run! The Forbidden Jutsu
It was a bright noon in Konohagakure, so Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi were eating lunch at Ichiraku. Naruto had tried to drag Sasuke along too, but, alas, Sasuke didn't dare let that happen. For one thing, Naruto had beaten him once too many times after he'd returned home, and second, after Naruto forced him to eat not fifty, but FIFTY-ONE bowls of ramen, he hated it now. (It was his own fault that he accepted Naruto's ramen eating challenge.) The fact that he had to pay for his AND Naruto's ramen didn't help matters at all.
In the end, Naruto had his eyebrows burned off. Currently Sasuke was not a happy camper, and one fangirl comment form Sakura (who had, by this time, STILL not gotten over him) could cause the place burned to less than ashes. Soot, probably.
While the three ate, Sakura and Kakashi talked about casual stuff occasionally, while Naruto stuffed his face. Then it just so happened that Sai joined them. He was carrying a sketch pad and a brush. Without a word, he sat, ordered some ramen, and began to eat. Naruto stared for a while, in that squinty way of his, and began eating again.
(This was his tenth bowl, BTW)
After a while, Sai began drawing. Sakura snuck a glance at it, and nudged Sai, grinning. The two traded amused glances, Sakura was giggling slightly and Sai bit back laughter.
This aroused Naruto's curiosity, and he tried to look over Sai's shoulder but failed when Kakashi pinned him to the table with a giant fuma shuriken. When Sai had let the ink dry, he flipped to a new page and the shuriken was removed.
"Aww, come on, lemme see!" Naruto whined. Sai turned around with a cheery smile.
"Ah, the prick with no balls wants to see my artwork." He asked. Sakura erupted with giggles.
Naruto willed himself not to heed the last phrase, but started jumping up and down. "Well DUH!!!"
Sai pretended not to hear, and thought for a while. Finally, he opened his mouth to say, "…Sure. What harm can that possibly do?"
Naruto flipped through the ENTIRE NOTEBOOK happily, ignoring Sai's DeathGlare™ of Doom®. The further he went, the more pronounced his frown became. When he finished, he had Kyuubi red eyes glaring at Sai with killer intent. The picture he'd stopped at was one where he was stuffing his face with ramen and a stupid look plastered all over his face. At the top of the page were the words, "Prick with No Balls Eating Ramen."
"YOU!!!" Naruto roared. "YOU—you—you bastard—I'm gonna kill you!" Naruto threw himself at Sai, but Kakashi managed to pin him to the table again. Yes, he was still reading his book.
It's safe to say that Naruto never got his revenge.
………
Later that evening, Naruto was in the library, looking at jutsu he could possibly use against Sai. He was scanning the shelves as quickly as possible, until something caught his eye. Flipping back a few pages, he saw it—Ijiru Jigen no Jutsu. (Literally means 'to tamper with dimension technique', in other words, to mess with the worlds)
Squinting his eyes, he began reading.
For reference only—S-rank forbidden
"Ijiru Jigen no Jutsu is a highly complicated technique founded in Sunagakure about 150 years ago. Requiring blood sacrifices and 30 days of time, this technique, if done properly, will send the victim into a guarded genjutsu (one that you can't cancel) of extreme pain (especially for males) for 7 days…
If anyone is found using this technique, I will personally make sure that it will be the last thing they ever do…for eternity…
-Tsunade, Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure."
Naruto looked up with wide eyes. Slowly, his face split into wide, Kyuubi-tinted grin. "Watch out, Sai…I'm gonna get you good." He whispered.
(The authoress is aware that Naruto is OOC, however, for her own twisted reasons, she will keep him like this for a while.)
Naruto stood up from where he was reading and checked out the book. Once he exited the library, he whooped and hugged the book. "You will be my new best friend, Book-chan! Forget about Sasuke!"
………
Sasuke sneezed.
………
Sai sneezed.
………
Naruto was happy. Extremely happy.
………
"To start, you need the blood of twelve.
One who wields shadows,
One who uses psychic techniques,
One who's strength relies on size,
One who reigns over weapons,
One who is the master of taijutsu,brTwo who posses the Byakugan,
One who uses bugs,
One who uses ninken (ninja dogs),
One who heals,
One who kills,
One who has the ability to rid the world of evil."
Naruto frowned. Who were these people? (A/N: He's kinda slow…isn't he…?)
"Once the blood has been collected, mold it into a star shape with the chakra of a tailed demon, seal it, and let it sit for 30 days. When ready, use a summoned beast to attack.
Enjoy."
There it was. The unmistakable twitch of Naruto's eye. This was going to be chaotic.
………
The next day, Naruto borrowed twelve test tubes from Iruka to start his revenge. Iruka was slightly suspicious at first, but Naruto feigned innocence and told him it was for ramen.
One who wields shadows
Naruto thought for a while. It took him half an hour to think of Shikamaru's blood was extremely easy. The Chuunin-but-soon-to-be-Jounin was too lazy to ask why.
One who uses psychic techniques
Ino, mind you, took three hours and a black eye.
One who's strength relies on size
Out of all the things Naruto could have said to Chouji, he had to say, "You're fat. This won't hurt much. Much."
Three hours later, he woke up in the hospital wondering why re resembled a mummy. Chouji glowered down at him, and he shut up instantly.
One who is the master of weapons
It took another three hours and painful fuma shuriken and senbon needles to get Tenten's blood.
Naruto decided to stop for the day. He shuddered when he thought about Kiba and Neji. None of them seemed to bode too well for his health.
It took him five days to get eleven blood samples. Sasuke had taken two days, just by himself.
One who has the ability to rid the world of evil
Naruto didn't get it. In the end, he decided to do without. Then it took seven days for him to master chakra molding without arousing Jiraiya's suspicion, and finally, after the long, agonizing thirty-day wait, the Ijiru Jigen no Jutsu was ready.
By that time, Naruto's revenge spirit had worn off, replaced by impatience.
Another month later, Ijiru Jigen had been forgotten about completely. By a random stroke of luck, Naruto saw it, sitting innocently on his windowsill. Silently he walked over to it.
"Ijiru Jigen no Jutsu…" He said, staring at it. "See ya!" And dumped it unceremoniously into his bright orange trash can that was overflowing with old ramen cups.
The next morning, he woke in a bed that was most definitely not his own.
A cry rang out, its message unmistakable.
"GET OUT OF MY BED, YOU PERVERT!!!"
………
When Shino woke, he was not a happy camper. One glance around told him that Sasuke and Neji were still snoozing away. Sasuke was drooling onto the pillow lightly, and Neji was talking. Loudly.
"Nooo…Tenten, for the last time, I'm NOT going out with you…gosh…fans…rabid fans…help, Uchiha, I'm dying…" He moaned.
It was wonder Sasuke didn't wake up.
Shino blinked. Ten seconds later it hit him. Sasuke and Neji were sleeping in the same room that he was. Sasuke and Neji. Sasuke and Neji. SASUKE and NEJI.
Then he looked up. A boy with a hooked nose and greasy black hair stared down at him. His mouth slowly twisted into an evil sneer. "Well, well…what have we here? I should go report this to Slughorn, I should…but first, I'll torture you a bit."
All Shino could think of was who on earth Slughorn was. Then he saw the boy pulling out a twig and a flick of his wrist.
'Oh. I think we're in trouble.'
Then, Shino became a very angry camper.
………
Hinata opened her eyes to see Sakura and Ino bent over her. She seemed to be in a hut of some sort. Sitting up, she saw a very large man with messy hair and beard with a pink umbrella, making tea. When she opened her mouth to speak, Ino's hand clamped over it.
"Shh…Sakura cast a genjutsu to hide us, but people can still hear."
Hinata started to sweat. She felt sick. "Kurenai-sensei." She moaned softly.
"Her forehead's burning." Sakura murmured, feeling it.
"I feel hot and cold at the same time."
"It's okay, Hinata-chan…" Sakura whispered.
Ino concentrated, trying to heal her, but Sakura accidentally stepped on her foot. Caught off guard, Ino yelped, and overdid the healing so that Hinata was now hyperactive. Sakura froze.
The large man stopped making breakfast. "Who's there?" He called in a gruff sort of voice.
'Oh, crap.' Sakura thought.
'Oh no.' Hinata thought.
- - To keep this fic T rated, I will not describe in great detail exactly what Ino happened to be thinking at that time- -
………
Tenten thought she woke up normally. Thought. Then she noticed how the bed was way too warm, and opened her eyes wide, staring.
Gray eyes stared back at her. The gray eyes belonged to an extremely handsome boy with elegant dark hair. The boy looked surprised for a second, and then he grinned widely.
Tenten tried to move away, but she found her arms closely hugging the boy's neck, and his arms were around her waist.
The boy smiled flirtatiously, and next instant, found himself on the floor.
Tenten shrieked, and then relaxed once she recognized who was holding her.
"Lee!"
Lee grinned. Tenten had never seen anything so beautiful as Lee's face that moment.
She glanced at the floor. Pinning the gray-eyed boy to the surface of the floor, baring his fangs, happened to be—
"Kiba?!"
Kiba smiled mischievously. Tenten didn't like that look at all.
………
Shikamaru and Chouji were high in the trees, surveying the landscape. Actually, they were hugging each other in fright form and earlier encounter with a wolf that involved Shikamaru's hair and a screaming Chouji.
When the two were relaxed enough to let go of each other, Chouji found that he was desperate for chips. Finally, he screamed. "CHIIIIIIIIIIIPSSSSSS!!!"
He dragged the 's' out like a snake.
Next second, he and Shikamaru were hugging each other again when below them loomed up a great, hairy spider with milky white eyes.
Shikamaru was so scared, he squeaked. Chouji twittered nervously. He might be an almost-Jounin, but when you were absurdly high up in a tree with a huge spider below you with its mouth open, you would be scared too. Shikamaru squeaked out a curse.
"I am Aragog." The spider announced. "An achromantula. And I need breakfast."
Shikamaru screamed so hard, he and Chouji fell off the branch. He looked around, and summed up the situation with one word. Which was not 'troublesome.' For once.
"Shit."
Chouji nodded in agreement.
………
Back at the Hokage's headquarters, Tsunade was drinking sake while swearing loudly. Jiraiya had gone on a mission, and they had twelve—twelve—missing shinobi! "ARGH, DAMN IT! WHERE'S JIRAIYA WHEN I NEED HIM FOR ONCE?!" She raged, sending a chair out the window.
Kakashi and Gai (yeah, them) hugged each other in fright. Kurenai grabbed Shizune (who happened to be walking by…remember, Asuma's dead…) and hugged her in fright.
An hour later, when Tsunade was slightly calmer and drunk as hell (which do not make a good combination), Sai was called for an interrogation.
"Well, the p—Naruto was acting kind of funny for a while, but I don't think even he was idiotic enough to do that sort of thing." He said, grinning cheerily.
"If he did do the Tampering Dimension, though, he wasn't supposed to disappear anyways." Iruka said, materializing out of no where.
"That jutsu almost seems to be intended for him personally. The twelve blood sacrifices are easily his fellow generation shinobi, plus he has a tailed demon right inside him. Also, Jiraiya told me that Naruto had developed a hunger for knowledge and asked to learn how to mold chakra into shapes." Kakashi stated. "Naruto told him it was for Sakura's upcoming birthday."
"Birthday?" Tsunade twitched. "Tch…"
"For a situation like this, we really need Shikamaru." Iruka moaned. "Except for the fact that he freakin' disappeared."
Gai's heavy eyebrows were furrowed in thought. "For a situation like this, we really need Lee."
Kurenai's eye narrowed. "What do you mean, Lee? It's obviously Hinata we need."
"Oh shut up, we all know you favor her." Tsunade cut in.
"Actually, we really need Sasuke." Kakashi said, completely disregarding the fact that Sasuke had been the cause of all of this from way back in the beginning. If Sasuke had never left, Sai wouldn't have appeared, and then Naruto wouldn't have done something completely stupid like that.
"In that case, Neji is the best."
"Shino."
"…" Kakashi didn't say anything.
"Tenten!"
"Kiba!"
"Tenten!"
"Kiba!"
"Tenten!"
"Kiba!"
"Lee!"
"Hinata!"
"Lee!"
"Sakura!" Tsunade roared.
"Naruto." Said Iruka.
"Gaara!" Kakashi said randomly. Everyone stared at him.
"Gaara?"
Kakashi blinked. "Did I say something?"
Kurenai sent him a DeathGlare™, which was quite disturbingly similar to Sasuke's. Kakashi started to sweat. Kurenai's eyes glowed Sharingan and it looked like Chidori was blazing in her palm. The fact that she was quite pretty and had black hair didn't help matters.
"Whoa, Kurenai! I didn't know you were an Uchiha!" Gai said in awe. Kurenai slapped him.
………
O.M.A.K.E
Tenten woke up to gray eyes. The eyes belonged to an extremely handsome dark-haired boy. Tenten blushed when he smiled at her.
After a minute, they were randomly making out. In bed. The boy's hands were wrapped around Tenten's waist, but then one of them moved to you-know-where.
Neji charged into the room from nowhere, face red with rage, smoke coming out of his ears, Byakugan activated.
"She's my teammate, you lecherous womanizer!" Neji howled, pulling Tenten away and whipping out all of his kunai. He even borrowed some of Tenten's.
Under the bed, Kiba snickered as Kankurou manipulated the puppet while he dealt cards for their seventh game of Poker. Lee was losing badly; he'd lost ten yen already.
Actually, Kankurou wasn't supposed to be there, but he was anyways.
The next second, the puppet's head was lopped off by an extremely pissed Neji. Blood splattered everywhere, courtesy of Kiba's clan-marking paint. The real boy mouthed a thank you while placing his bet. Everyone grinned.
After a while, Neji left with Tenten, muttering something about "first kiss" and "Main house" and "cursed fate".
And yes, everyone else slept through ALL of THAT…
………
End CHAPTER ONE.
Please be kind enough to leave a review. No flames accepted. If you flame, I will hunt you down and kill you. Literally.
Next chapter: Adapt to Life
A few groups of shinobi meet up, and Chouji and Shikamaru have a nasty run in with the Womping Willow. Lily and James appear next chapter!