There is a smudge.
A smudge.
A SMUDGE!!!!
I am so killing Draco Malfoy.
He put a SMUDGE on my Charms essay.
He is so getting it.
A smudge.
I just cannot cope.
A smudge.
I am killing that boy.
KILLING HIM!!!!!!
My perfect charms essay.
Ruined with a smudge.
-----
Hermione Granger is mad.
More than mad, if you know what I mean.
But you know, I wasn't the one that did the 'Smudge'…
Because I am Harry.
Harry Potter.
And Hermione is one of my best friends.
And she is mad.
Very mad.
Very very mad.
Very very very mad.
She is just about to kill Draco.
And I cannot let that happen because Draco is my best friend too, and if I have one best friend dead and the other in Azkaban, I only have Ron and Neville.
Which is not good.
It's kind of scary actually.
-----
Ron Weasley is funny.
Very funny.
Even more funny than – sigh – cheese.
I like cheese.
I think Hermione Granger is mad about something.
But I don't know.
I like cheese.
My name is Neville by the way.
Have I told you that I like cheese?
Um – I think Hermione is mad about a spot on her essay for something.
I don't know.
I just rely on Harry, my pal, to help me with my essays.
Ron Weasley is funny.
Have I said that?
I like cheese.
-----
I am shivering in my boots.
But Junior Marauders never shiver, so I am –
I am not hiding.
No, of course not.
No way in hel- heaven am I hiding.
I'm just crouched behind a couch.
Hey that rhymed!
Yes, I am crouched behind a couch.
And I am…
Well, not hiding because Junior Marauders never hide.
I am…having 'Me' time.
I think.
Yeah.
That sounds goooood!
ME time.
Yeah.
Not hiding.
Ahem.
-----
Where IS he???
I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.
I look wildly around the common room, clutching my wrecked charms essay and a note.
I see a fourth year called Romilda Vane, a Harry Potter, a crackling fire, a laughing Ronald Weasley, a cheese-eating Neville (I won't even ask), a tapestry of the Junior Marauders the fan club hung up with a permanent sticking charm earlier this year, a pencil case, a book, a mop of silvery blond hair sticking out from behind a couch, a –
HEY! A mop of BLOND hair.
Which could only belong to ONE person.
A certain Draco-imadeabigsmudgeonHermione'scharmsessay-Malfoy.
I march over to the chair.
I yank up a head.
A large squeal is emitted that sounds un-Draco-like.
I look down.
Oops.
-----
Why is Hermione holding up a small first year girl by her hair?
She has never been that mad before on our prefect rounds…
Oh.
I see.
She thought it was Draco.
snort
I shouldn't be laughing, but hey… I am a Junior Marauder, even though one who is mostly smarter than others…
Ahem.
-----
"I am so sorry!" I tell the girl.
She looks like she is in pain so I perform a healing charm on her.
"Are you Hermione Granger?" She asks.
"Yes. I am sooo sorry!" I tell her again. Uh-oh. Why does she want my name? Is she going to report me or something?
"Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe a sixth year talked to me! Omigosh!" and with that she ran off to her friends.
I shake my head.
Then realise that I still have not yet found Draco Malfoy.
Darn.
-----
I sigh -----sigh----- hiding from my couch.
My back is stiff, my legs are sore, I am aching – maybe I better get out of this hiding spot.
Nah.
Too scared of the wrath of Hermione Granger.
Ahem.
Not scared… exactly…
Just terrified that she will carry out the threat of castrating me that she has been yelling in corridors all these years.
-----
I am laughing my head off. No, seriously.
Malfoy is so dead. Can't wait for it. This is gonna be one hell of a show.
I don't get why Malfoy just doesn't move on. Sometimes, he gets all mushy about Hermione and I swear, it's disgusting.
He makes up all these sickeningly poetical names for her. I mean, he calls her 'Hermione from the heavens' sometimes, but right now, she's more like 'Granger from hell'.
Feisty.
-----
Something just occurred to me.
When I was up in my dorm, I could've gotten Potter's Cloak and run. Then I wouldn't have this problem.
Ow, my back. I swear, I am going to need a walking frame when I'm thirty if I have to keep crouching here.
Oh, wait. Scratch that. I won't live till thirty if Hermione finds me.
Speaking of Granger, she's talking to a first year. A first year with short, messy blond hair, almost the same color as mine..
She's not looking this way. Is there time to make a run for it?
Probably not.
What the hell. Here goes. Goodbye, cruel world.
Oh yeah, and if I die, don't give my broomstick to Ron since he was the one who got me in this mess in the first place.
-----
Oh, bad move. No wonder Malfoy sucks at chess.
He darted out and tried to run in the direction of the boys' dorms, presumably to get Harry's Invisibility Cloak, but did not see the corner of the rug sticking out in front of him.
Three guesses what happened.
-----
Just after the first year ran off, I heard a thud and a groan from behind me.
A very familiar groan.
The same groan I hear when I slap a certain boy by the name of Draco Idiot Malfoy.
I start to turn around. No, wait.
Must make sure evil, intimidating look is in place and that charms essay is in hand for proof of his crime.
Charms essay, check.
Evil intimidating look, check.
Watch out, Malfoy.
-----
Shit.
Ow.
Now my face hurts in addition to everything else.
Stupid corner of rug. Why did you have to get in my way???
I groan. This couldn't get worse.
It got worse.
Hermione turned around and she had the scariest look on her face.
Uh-oh. I've seen that look before.
I try to grin and wave weakly.
It didn't work. She is still coming.
Dammit.
-----
Oh yeah.
Plan Put-a-Smudge-on-Hermione's-charms-essay-and-make-it-look-like-Draco-did-it-so-that-Hermione-will-go-looking-for-him-instead-of-avoiding-him-and-will-fall-head-over-heels-in-love-with-him-if-she-doesn't-kill-him-first is in action.
That's Plan PASOHCEAMILLDDISTHWGLFHIOAHAWFHOHILWHISDKHF.
I really have to think of a better name for that.
-----
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Have I lost her?
Darn, I still hear footsteps.
She's not far behind.
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Uh-oh.
Right or left?
Which one, which one…
AHHH!!! She's nearly here.
I'll take right.
No, left.
Make that right.
Ah, whatever, left then.
Running. Left. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Running- oh shit.
-----
Damn that Malfoy and his Quidditch training. He can run bloody fast.
But I can catch up. Why?
I saw some black robes whip left at the intersection we're at.
Want to know where the left turn leads?
It leads to a-
-----
-bloody girls' toilet!!
I can't go in there!!
That's literal no-man's land!!
Ron will rag me about it forever if I go in.
For the first time, I wish my Animagus form was a rat.
Consider yourself complimented, Pettigrew.
-----
"AHA!!! I HAVE YOU NOW M- what the-?"
I rub my eyes.
Nope, still there. Not hallucinating.
Standing before me is the most adorable White Tiger.
I don't know how it got here.
It's adorable!! Omigosh, it's so cute!!
Geez, I haven't been like that since my dog died.
I go up to the tiger tentatively.
It blinks.
I slowly raise the hand not clutching my charms essay.
It doesn't move.
I pat it, forgetting about a certain boy with silvery blond hair.
For the moment.
-----
I'm in heaven.
I have seriously died and gone to heaven.
Did Hermione Granger kill me? No, not yet.
The reason I'm in heaven is because Hermione Granger is stroking my hair – er, fur.
She doesn't know it's me.
But still.
-----
It's sooooooo CUTE- hey!
It ran off.
Well, sor-ry.
Just then, I remember.
Malfoy.
Smudge.
Essay.
Kill.
He must be in the girls' bathroom.
I hope he comes out gay.
Then at least he'll stop bothering me.
-----
Clatter. Clatter.
Clatter. Clatter.
Clatter. Clatter.
Clat- "AAARRGHHH!!!!"
-----
The girls' bathroom is empty.
Darn it.
I was looking forward to teasing Malfoy about the gay thing.
I can't believe I let him slip past me!!
I can't-
Wait. What was that?
A yell.
A very familiar yell.
From the direction the stag ran off to.
"DRACO MALFOY!!!!"
-----
For the second time today, I land flat on my face.
Stupid jutting flagstone.
So of course I change back into myself.
And being the stupid idiot I am, I yell.
Hermione is going to come after me any second now.
Wait for it.
One.
Two.
Three.
"DRACO MALFOY!!!"
-----
I run wildly, following where the yell came from.
I've got him this time.
"Nobody puts a smudge on my charms essay and survives!!"
Running. Fast. Must. Catch. Malfoy. Before. He. Escapes.
I see a mass of black robes on the floor.
Running. Faster. Nearly. Got. Him.
I may have seen the mass of black robes but I sure didn't see the shoe.
Yes, the shoe.
The shoe that tripped me up and made me land…
Guess where?
Right on top of Malfoy.
-----
"Beg!"
He begs.
"You get cheese if you flap your arms and quack like a duck!"
He flaps his arms and quacks like a duck.
I can't believe this guy.
He really will do anything for cheese.
"Open your mouth!"
Neville obliges, opening his mouth.
One piece of cheese.
Bullseye.
Neville swallows.
Two pieces of cheese.
Bullseye.
Neville swallows.
I wonder where Malfoy is and if he's dead now.
'Cause if he is, I want his broomstick.
Three pieces of cheese.
Bullseye.
Neville swallows.
Draco and Hemrione have been gone an awful long time.
I wonder -----smirk----- what they're up to.
Four pieces of cheese.
Bullseye.
Neville swallows.
This is getting boring.
Five pieces of cheese.
Hits Neville in the eye.
Neville squeaks.
Six pieces of cheese.
Somehow goes up Neville's nose.
Ew.
-----
I see a blur of brown.
Hear a thud.
Feel the pain.
Hermione is lying on top of me.
Our noses are grazing.
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Can't. Take. It. Anymore.
Brain. Officially. Over. Heating.
She scrambles off hastily, her face glowing.
I am not too pale, either.
Isn't it strange how our faces are the exact same shade of red?
"Er…well, I'll just be going now." I try to edge past Hermione without success. She grabs my arm.
"Wait. You have to pay for the heinous crime you committed. You smudged my charms essay."
"That wasn't me, that was-"
Hermione laughs . "Clever as you were, Malfoy, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime." She thrusts a crumpled piece of paper in front of my nose.
"I smudged your essay because I am a stupid idiot and I think Ronald Weasley is hot," I read, "signed, Draco Malfoy??" My voice rose in disbelief.
I am going to kill that WEASEL.
"What do you have to say to that, Malfoy?"
Does she think I'm completely crazy? Why would I sign a note saying I did it even if I had done it? And why the hell would I think Weasley was hot?
"It's all there, plain as day. Your confession."
She pokes me in the chest with each word.
So it was more like, "It's -----poke----- all -----poke----- there -----poke----- plain -----poke----- as -----poke----- day. -----poke----- Your -----poke----- confession."
"I didn't smudge your essay!! That was Weasley!!"
The poking stops.
I sigh in relief.
"Oh yeah? Why would he sign it off with 'Draco Malfoy'?"
Well, duh.
He's Ron.
But I have a feeling that with Hemrione, the fact that I'm Draco Malfoy is enough.
"Um…because he wants to frame me."
"Because he wants to-"
Comprehension dawned.
"So that was him??? I'm going to kill him!!"
Phew. Saved by the dumbbell.
"You know what?" I say, "I'll join you. Because of him, I nearly had a cardiac arrest three times today."
Watch out, Weasel.
You're so dead.
And now you're never gonna get my broomstick.
-----
I hear the portrait hole opening.
Opening loudly and angrily.
See a blur of brown and silver.
Conclusion: Ronald Weasley is dead.
I put down my book.
This might be interesting.
-----
The cheese game is so old now.
Today was really boring.
I only chatted up thirteen girls, snogged four, and winked at thirty-seven.
All in all, pretty tame stuff.
There is nothing to do here.
Except die of boredom.
I wish something interesting would happen.
Uh-oh.
Here come Hermione and Draco.
All I have to say is, be careful what you wish for, because it might just come true.
-----
Killing. Ronald. Weasley. Dead. Now.
Killing. Dead. Ron.
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU MAKE A SMUDGE ON MY CHARMS ESSAY AND RUIN IT COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AND MAKE ME THINK THAT IDIOT MALFOY OVER HERE DID IT???"
"YEAH, WHAT- Hey, what d'you mean, 'Idiot Malfoy'?"
"I thought it would be perfectly clear, Draco darling."
"I'm 'darling' now?"
"You should recognize sarcasm when you see it, Drakey-poo."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ron tiptoeing away. I do not want another wild-Junior-Marauder chase around the castle.
"RONALD WEASLEY!!!"
He freezes, then turns with an angelic innocent look on his face that fools no-one.
"Explain. The. Unsightly. Smudge. On. My. Essay. NOW."
Ron grins.
"Well, you see,Hermione, it's called a joke."
He takes the essay and peels off…
…a fake smudge.
-----
"See, Hermione?" I say triumphantly, "you were obsessing over nothing! It was a Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes's fake smudge! Given by my annoying but brilliant brothers Fred and George, of course."
Hermione grits her teeth. "Not…a…word."
Just then, Harry goes really pale.
"What is it, Harry?" asks Hermione concernedly.
Potter points to an essay lying on the table.
"There's a blotch on your transfiguration essay."