"That was a squeak. That was totally a squeak."
"That was not a squeak."
"Was too! Wasn't it, Cupid?"
"Leave me out of this. I like my intestines where they are, thank you."
"It was a squeak! Agent squeaked! I didn't know he could make noises like that!"
"I don't squeak, Stark!"
"Tony, do you have a death wish? Shut up!"
Bruce woke up to this odd conversation. Since Tony was involved, Bruce decided not to attempt to make sense of it, even if he was a little curious as to how Coulson of all people got himself involved in a ridiculous argument with Tony.
"Brucey!" Tony said brightly upon seeing that Bruce was awake. "You're finally awake! Agent squeaked for you!"
Great. So Tony had decided to involve Bruce in his nonsense anyway. Bruce sat up, grateful that someone had thought to drape a blanket for him. Sure, they had all seen him mostly naked post-transformation, but it was always nice to seize a little dignity as quickly as possible.
Bruce opened the bag of clothes someone had brought. As he dressed, he noticed it was a lot more crowded than usual.
"Why is Fury and an entire squadron of agents here?" asked Bruce. "I thought clean-up crews were supposed to wait until we left the site."
"Someone-" and here Natasha glared at Sitwell "-told the good Director that the Hulk was squeezing the life out of his best agent."
"Hey, I panicked!" Sitwell said defensively.
"What?" Bruce said in shock. "Why would he think that?"
"Hulk decided to pick Coulson up," Clint said with a smirk. "Literally and figuratively."
"Hence, the squeaking," Tony cut in, earning himself a glare from Coulson. "And the interesting position you changed in. Next time you find Agent on top of you like that, don't hesitate to tell him he's overdressed for the occasion."
Oh no. What did the Hulk do this time? Bruce lost all dignity any time Hulk did something that didn't involve smashing things. Last time, Hulk had told Steve that Bruce loved cupcakes. And he couldn't just leave it at that. No, he just had to open his big green mouth and say it was the pink icing that Bruce loved best. Thanks a lot, big guy. Now there were offerings of pink cupcakes all over the Tower in his teammates' effort to remind Bruce to eat from time to time. And before that, Hulk had asked for some bread because Bruce liked to feed the ducks. Now, Steve insisted on a weekly trip to a park so they could all feed the ducks as a team-building exercise. Bruce still hadn't lived that down.
"Agent Coulson, are you okay?" Bruce asked faintly. He had a suspicion about why the Hulk had focused on the SHIELD agent today. He just hoped it hadn't been too revealing.
"I'm fine," Coulson said after a moment's pause.
There was another pause, and then Tony demanded, "What, you aren't going to tell him, Agent?"
"Tell me what?" asked Bruce warily.
Patches of color appeared suddenly on Coulson's cheeks, and Tony burst out laughing. "Aww, this is adorable! And I'm very happy for you both!"
Bruce was horrified. What did his other half do?
"It's okay," Steve reassured him, seeing the look on his face. "Hulk wasn't trying to hurt Agent Coulson."
"I've got video!" Tony said brightly. "Jarvis, pull up that video. Start it about a minute or two before Agent was swept off his feet. I want to prove that he did squeak."
Coulson shot Tony a murderous look as the billionaire pulled out his StarkPad and handed it to Bruce. Steve, Tony, Clint and Natasha crowded around Bruce to peer at the video. Bruce stared at the screen. The video was obviously from the viewpoint of Tony's helmet.
Coulson shot Tony a murderous look as the billionaire pulled out his StarkPad and handed it to Bruce. Steve, Tony, Clint and Natasha crowded around Bruce to peer at the video. Bruce stared at the screen. The video was obviously from the viewpoint of Tony's helmet.
Tony had apparently just landed on the ground and was glancing about at the wreckage. Then the Hulk came into view, his movements purposeful. He didn't seem to be ready to change back, which meant he was only going to embarrass Bruce in the next few minutes. The cam followed the Hulk as he walked down the street for half a block until he arrived at the scene where Coulson and Sitwell were poring over a map of the city, marking off the damaged areas in red for the clean-up crew to take care of. The Hulk reached out and lifted Coulson up. An odd sound emitted from the startled agent that did sound a bit high-pitched, and Sitwell's eyes widened in horror.
"Pause, Jarvis. Told you he squeaked. Rewind about ten seconds," Tony said triumphantly.
The video rewound, and Bruce glanced briefly at the real Coulson sympathetically before returning his attention to the video.
"It wasn't a squeak," Clint spoke up as the video paused a second time. Coulson glanced in their direction hopefully. Then Clint said, "It sounded more like a 'meep.'" At that, Coulson slapped a hand to his face and sat down on the dented hood of what was left of a car to wait for them to finish.
"It was a squeak!" Tony insisted. "I think I know the difference between a squeak and a 'meep.' Jarvis, replay that. And turn up the volume."
Six replays later, Natasha, Steve, and even Tony finally conceded that the sound was indeed a 'meep.' Bruce was relieved, because now they could finally view the rest of the video.
Hulk lifted Coulson up to eyelevel, while in the background, Sitwell could be heard frantically speaking into a comm, describing the scene and asking for orders.
"Hey, hey, easy there!" came Steve's voice from off-camera. "Please put Agent Coulson down."
"LITTLE GUY LIKE AGENT!" Hulk bellowed. "AGENT LIKE LITTLE GUY?"
To his credit, it didn't take long for Coulson to get over his surprise at being picked up by a giant green rage beast. He merely blinked at the Hulk as if this was an everyday occurrence and replied in his calm voice, "Yes, I do like Bruce."
"AGENT HAVE COFFEE WITH LITTLE GUY?"
"Yes, we do have coffee sometimes."
"NO!" Hulk roared. "AGENT HAVE SPECIAL COFFEE WITH LITTLE GUY! NO TEAM AROUND!"
"Oh," Coulson said eloquently. "Okay. We can have special coffee if he wants to."
"GOOD!" Then Hulk smiled, actually smiled, and hugged Coulson close to his chest. Then his skin paled and he started shrinking, never once letting Coulson go during the whole process, simply adjusting his arms as he got smaller. Finally, the transformation was complete, with a disconcerted Coulson ending up lying on top of a naked and unconscious Bruce. Off-screen, Clint could be heard snickering, and there were some catcalls coming from Tony.
"Is there something I should know about?" came Fury's voice.
Natasha moved into view, carrying a bag and a blanket. Coulson disentangled himself from Bruce, took the blanket from Natasha and draped it across Bruce. He made a futile attempt to smooth out the wrinkles in his suit, gave up and said, "I assure you, sir, that was not what it looked like."
Tony commented, "Like I said, overdressed. We're depending on you, Brucey, to teach our little agent the ways of the bedroom. And then send him my way."
"Don't make me taze you, Stark!" Coulson warned. "You've had your fun, now get moving!"
Later, as Bruce was crawling into bed, his phone buzzed.
He had one text message.
Special coffee 7 tomorrow morning? No team?
Bruce smiled giddily and quickly typed a positive reply.