Memories

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the game Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic – all rights to that belong to Bioware – and I'm not making any money from this fic

Summary: For some people, memories can be very difficult

Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for the game Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic; very 'dark' issues

Author's Note: If you haven't played the game at all, this probably won't make much sense to you. I'll see if I can make a brief explanation/background in regards to the game. Skip this if you don't want spoilers.

Revan and Malak were two Jedi who disobeyed the order of the Jedi Council and went to fight in the Mandolorian Wars with the Republic. Whatever they experienced clearly corrupted them in some way, as after they returned, they became the Sith Lords and went looking for the Star Forge, a powerful weapon to use against the Republic and the Jedi.

Since Revan was the stronger of the two, Malak became the apprentice. A group of Jedi were sent from the Council to capture Revan – preferably alive. However, during the battle, Malak fired on Revan's ship. Revan was wounded, but taken back to the Jedi council and healed. Revan's mind had been almost completely destroyed, though. There were no memories left of the dark lord…

This fic is set after the events of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and features Light Side female Revan.

Revan stood just inside the Ebon Hawk, looking around with an expression of intense sadness. This ship… so many things had happened here. There were so many memories, both good and bad.

She didn't know why just standing in the Ebon Hawk made her feel sad. The ship itself hadn't been the home of bad memories, after all. It had been here that the crew of the Ebon Hawk had stood and professed their loyalty to her, after finding out that she had been the Dark Lord of the Sith. Even Carth…

As Revan walked further into the ship, her steps seemed to echo too loudly in the silence. Compared to the amount of noise on the ship while they were searching for the Star Forge, the silence now was almost deafening.

I suppose I should leave the ship now, Revan thought. She felt reluctant to do so, though. She always felt reluctant to do anything when she was in one of her 'dark moods', as Mission called them.

And the only cure for those was…

Revan felt her face heat up. She couldn't name it, even in her thoughts. That, of course, meant that she couldn't even ask for what she needed. Fortunately, Carth could usually tell when it was that time.

As she walked through the ship, Revan's thoughts turned to her companions. Each one had been affected by the search for the Star Forge and the ensuing battle, some more than others. Still, their loyalty had remained true throughout the entire journey. Sometimes, though, Revan didn't feel like she deserved anyone's loyalty.

Her memories of her time as the Dark Lord of the Sith were sketchy at best. But everywhere Revan went, she found traces of that time. Even now, there were people affected by the actions of the Sith. Taris – the homeworld of Juhani and Mission – had been destroyed, as had Telos, Carth's homeworld. His wife had been killed by the Sith, and his son had chosen to join them.

Working together, Revan and Carth had been able to convince Dustil of the true nature of the Sith. Now, on Telos, father and son were reunited. Of course, there were always going to be problems…

But at least something good had come out of everything that had happened; even if it was something that most people wouldn't find that important.

And Malak was finally dead – but the cost had been great. The Jedi Council on Dantooine had been all but destroyed. Many others had fallen as well. And Revan was not naïve enough to believe that the Sith had all been wiped out. One day, they would return to wage war on the galaxy again.

Revan could only hope that it wouldn't be in her lifetime. After everything, she'd had more than enough of fighting. What would make her truly happy would be to live in peace – but something told her that that wouldn't happen.

"I thought I might find you here."

Revan hadn't heard anyone come up behind her. That wasn't surprising, though. Carth certainly wasn't a threat to her. Slowly, she turned round to face the Republic soldier, though she didn't meet his eyes.

Something in Revan's manner must have alerted him, because Carth asked softly, "It's one of those days, isn't it?"

Revan nodded and gave a soft sigh. "Yes," she replied. At least the lengths of time between the dark moods were getting longer and longer. She'd really prefer not to have them at all, though.

Carth met Revan's gaze, ignoring her attempts at avoiding eye contact. "I wish you didn't need this," he said.

Revan smiled, though she was aware that it was a very poor attempt. "So do I," she whispered.

Carth took Revan's hand and gently led her into the crew quarters. Once in there, he sat down on one of the beds and drew the Jedi closer to him. With a practised move, he had her trousers undone and down to just below her knees. Then, with a gentle tug, he had Revan across his knees, her upper body resting on the bed and her feet on the floor.

As always, Carth started with a few light pats over Revan's underwear. The woman shifted uneasily, wishing that he would just get on with it. But then, it was this ritual that enabled her thoughts to settle and for her to let go of the bad memories. In a very real sense, it was just like treating a wound.

A wound deep inside of her…

No matter how many times they had done this, the first hard smack always took Revan by surprise. She tensed slightly as she felt the sharp pain – though it was nothing compared to what others had suffered at the hands of the Dark Lord.

Carth let Revan absorb the pain of that first smack before landing another one. Revan sucked in a breath, and winced with the third. No matter how many times they did this, she never got used to the pain. She lost count of the amount of smacks after the tenth.

"You don't have to feel guilty, Revan," Carth said as he slowly spanked her. "Everything that you did as the Dark Lord is in the past. She's not a part of you now. You have friends who will help and support you. And I love you, Revan."

It was his words rather than the pain of the spanking that caused Revan to start crying softly, her shoulders shaking. The ache in her chest gradually lessened until it was bearable rather than overwhelming.

Carth ended the spanking, and pulled Revan to him in a tight hug, cradling her softly and stroking her hair. Gradually, in his arms, Revan's crying died down to soft sniffles as she pressed her face into his shoulder.

Carth just held her like that for a long while. Then, when it seemed like she'd finally calmed down, he touched her cheek lightly. "The others will be worried about you. Are you up to going outside to see them?"

Revan nodded, and wiped at her eyes. Carth kissed her cheek gently and let her get up.

It was that one action that allowed Revan to push the pain and sadness away completely.