Chapter 1 - Beauty and the Bitch
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ROYAL CASTLE
SCENE pans slowly toward one of the castle towers, toward an open window through which the ORIGINAL QUEEN can be seen.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Long, long ago, in a land far, far away . . . around Tatooine I think . . . there stood a magnificent castle inhabited by a king and queen.
(mutters under breath)
Who else?
CUT to INTERIOR of TOWER, so we see the Queen is knitting in her private chambers.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
One day, while the lovely queen was knitting, she accidentally pricked her finger with the needle.
ORIGINAL QUEEN
YEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I love a woman who's well-bred.
ORIGINAL QUEEN
Shut up!
(to herself)
How I wish I could have a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as rubies, and hair as black as ebony.
(beat)
I also wish I could have a band-aid.
The Queen starts sucking her bloody finger.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, NURSERY, CASTLE
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Several months later, the queen's wish was granted, and she and the king had a beautiful baby girl: Slow Wit, with skin as white as snow, lips as red as rubies, and hair as black as . . . ebony?
The Queen holds a baby, carefully wrapped in a blanket. The baby has light brown hair.
ORIGINAL QUEEN
Oh well, two outta three isn't bad. But I'm still waiting for my band-aid.
She tickles the baby under her chin.
ORIGINAL QUEEN
Cootchie-cootchie-coo!
The baby pees on the Queen.
ORIGINAL QUEEN
I'll be glad when they invent diapers.
The Queen puts the baby down in a nearby crib and walks off-camera with a large wet spot spreading on her gown.
ORIGINAL QUEEN
(mutters)
For this I'm being paid scale?
SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, CASTLE
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Sadly, the Queen passed away soon after the child's birth. In time, the King married again, but the girl's new stepmother was wicked and vain.
CUT to INTERIOR, THRONE ROOM. The WICKED QUEEN slowly steps up to her MAGIC MIRROR, which is mounted prominently on the wall opposite the throne.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The new Queen owned a magic mirror which knew all and could answer her every question. And every day, the Queen would ask it the same question.
QUEEN
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the fairest of them all?
To the Queen's surprise, nothing happens: The Mirror just sits there blankly on the wall. She clears her throat.
QUEEN
(with more emphasis)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the fairest of them all?
Still nothing happens.
QUEEN
(shouts)
Mirror! I asked you the question!
This time, swirling mist appears in the mirror, and a bored, ghostly face materializes out of it.
MIRROR
Do we really have to go through this again?
QUEEN
Do you want to be polished with a dust-cloth or a weed-whacker?
MIRROR
Oh, all right.
(beat)
With beauty like yours, 'tis plain to see,
The fairest in the land is thee.
QUEEN
You see, that wasn't so hard.
MIRROR
Yes it was, my Queen.
QUEEN
Ex-CUSE me?
MIRROR
My Queen, I can't keep saying the exact same answer over and over again anymore. I need variety. I need to stretch myself as a magic, all-knowing mystic.
QUEEN
(sarcastic)
And how so, pray tell?
MIRROR
You could ask me different questions, my Queen. How about asking for a stock report?
QUEEN
I only like good news!
MIRROR
How about sports news? I have results on the archery tournament in Nottingham.
QUEEN
Oh, like I don't know who won that!
MIRROR
Would you like to know what royal fashions are coming out next year?
QUEEN
Forget i- ! . . . The new spring line?
MIRROR
Spring and summer, my Queen. Dark blue is in for both.
QUEEN
Tell me more!
SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, ANOTHER ESTABLISHING SHOT of CASTLE
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Years went by, and the King also passed away.
QUEEN (V.O.)
And boy, what a life insurance policy he left! Haha!
CUT to INTERIOR, THRONE ROOM, CASTLE.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
. . . Yeah. After his death, the Queen alone raised her stepdaughter Slow Wit, who was growing more and more beautiful every year. Worried that the girl's beauty would soon rival her own, the wicked Queen made her do the most menial chores and wear the most dreary and tattered rags. But even this could not stifle the young princess' beauty, and by the time she was a teenager, she was unquestionably the most beautiful lady in the kingdom.
QUEEN
Who asked you!
SLOW WIT enters the throne room. As the Narrator said, she's dressed in tattered clothes, and she carries a mop and bucket.
SLOW WIT
Stepmother, I finished cleaning the castle courtyard, dusting all the rooms, and I replaced the filter on the moat putrifier.
QUEEN
That's moat purifier, you moron!
SLOW WIT
A moat? "Purified?"
Pregnant pause.
QUEEN
Point taken. Did you feed all the cows and milk them?
SLOW WIT
Yes, Stepmother.
QUEEN
And feed and water the pigs?
SLOW WIT
No, Stepmother. I couldn't get into their sty, it was locked.
QUEEN
"Locked?"
SLOW WIT
Yeah, and every time I told them to unlock it and let me in, they just taunted me with "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
QUEEN
Tell them if they don't let you in, I'll do a lot more than just huff and puff and blow their sty in!
SLOW WIT
I already told them that, but they won't take my word for it.
QUEEN
Then give them this word: Porkchops!
SLOW WIT
Uh, isn't that two words?
QUEEN
OUT!
Slow Wit recoils in fear and scampers out of the throne room.
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, WELL, CASTLE COURTYARD
Slow Wit walks to the well and gently cranks the bucket down into it to gather water. Several pretty songbirds flutter down and land on the well's rim. Slow Wit smiles secretly at the birds.
SLOW WIT
You want to know a secret? This is a wishing well!
The birds look back at her skeptically.
SLOW WIT
If you whisper your wish into the well, it will surely come true!
The birds start laughing at her.
SLOW WIT
It's true! Just watch!
She leans over the well and closes her eyes.
SLOW WIT
I wish that I could meet a handsome young prince who will be my true love, and will take me away from my wicked stepmother and to his castle far away, where we will live happily ever after!
Slow Wit opens her eyes . . . but instead of a handsome prince she sees PINOCCHIO sitting on the wooden bench next to the well.
SLOW WIT
You're my true love? I wished for a prince!
PINOCCHIO
Don't hold your breath! I wished to be a real boy and nothing happened! That thing's a gyp!
SLOW WIT
What are you doing in this story?
PINOCCHIO
Tracking down my biological mother. I finally found records that said she used to live in the forest just outside your castle.
SLOW WIT
That's wonderful! Wait, "used to"? Where is she now?
PINOCCHIO
I'm sitting on her.
(beat)
Wonder if the Blue Fairy does benches?
Pan upwards toward a window into the throne room, through which the Queen has been watching the entire exchange below.
QUEEN
(to herself)
Was that trip really necessary?
The Queen closes the window's curtains and goes back into the throne room, where she approaches the magic mirror.
QUEEN
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
No swirling mist appears, but the Mirror's voice still starts speaking. Only this time, judging by the heavy electronic reverberation, it's clearly a recording. And a poor-quality one at that:
MIRROR
With beauty like yours, 'tis plain to see,
The fairest in the land-
QUEEN
Wait a minute, what the hell's going on!
The Queen slams her hand repeatedly on the Mirror's side, like they used to do with finicky TV sets. And just like the old finicky TV sets, the picture rezzes and shorts for a few seconds until it finally stabilizes into the magic mist and the Mirror's face appears.
MIRROR
Ow! Not so hard!
QUEEN
What's the idea of the answering machine, or whatever this is! Is this another crack about wanting more "variety"? Haven't I been asking enough "different" questions for you?
MIRROR
You still insist on asking that question over and over again, my Queen. It's still monotonous.
QUEEN
Oh, is it!
MIRROR
. . . . And, I don't think you'll like the actual answer.
QUEEN
. . . . What do you mean?
MIRROR
I mean you won't like the answer to who is fairest of them all.
QUEEN
Since it must be me, I seriously doubt that! Now tell me!
MIRROR
Yes, my Queen.
Pregnant pause.
MIRROR
I really don't think you'll like the answer -
QUEEN
TELL ME WHO'S THE DAMN FAIREST IN THE LAND!
MIRROR
(sighs)
Very well, my Queen.
(beat)
Ruby of lips and blonde of hair,
'Tis Slow Wit who is by far the most fair.
QUEEN
Say WHAT!
MIRROR
I told you you wouldn't like the answer.
QUEEN
How can Slow Wit be fairest! The girl's a total wreck! Her hair is all scraggly, and it's got things living in it! Her clothes look like a cat hocked up all over them! And her face is so dirty she could clean it with a mud pack!
MIRROR
That is true, my Queen. However, Slow Wit possesses an inner beauty which you totally lack. A pure heart, devoid of vanity and greed which so contaminate yours.
QUEEN
"Inner beauty"? "Pure heart"? What, you got X-ray vision or something?
MIRROR
You designed me to see all, remember? I have X-ray vision, infrared, radar, magnetic resonance, ultrasound -
QUEEN
Never mind!
(to herself)
So, menial chores and tattered rags didn't work? I guess this calls for more drastic measures.
The Queen returns to her throne and presses a button on its arm. It buzzes briefly like an intercom.
QUEEN
Royal Huntsman! Come to the throne room at once.
MIRROR
My Queen, intercoms haven't been invented yet.
QUEEN
Mind your own business!
The throne room doors open and in walks HUNTSMAN SMITH. He approaches the throne and bows before the Queen.
SMITH
Huntsman Smith reporting, your Highness. You wanted to see me?
QUEEN
Duh! I want you to take Slow Wit hunting with you in the forest.
SMITH
Slow Wit hunting? You gotta be kidding, she can't even stand to watch flies being swatted!
QUEEN
I have something else in mind.
The Queen pulls a small jeweled box from her robe.
QUEEN
While you're in the forest, far away from where anyone can see you, I want you to kill the girl and bring me her heart in this box.
There's a long pregnant pause, during which Smith's expression freezes unnaturally.
SMITH
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
QUEEN
You caught it just fine, Huntsman!
SMITH
Yeah, I caught it, and I'm throwing it right back! There is no way I'm ever going to harm a single hair on that sweet young lady's head, and there is nothing in the entire world you can do to me that's gonna make me!
QUEEN
If you don't do it, I'll cut your salary!
The Huntsman quickly grabs the box.
SMITH
One little brat's heart coming right up!
Smith turns quickly and rushes out of the throne room. The Queen turns toward the Mirror.
QUEEN
You just have to know how to motivate your employees.
MIRROR
Indeed, my Queen.
The Queen pulls a large screwdriver and hammer out of her robe, and steps toward the Mirror.
QUEEN
Speaking of which, about your new "answering machine"...
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FOREST
Slow Wit and Smith enter the forest. Even this short distance from the edge, the trees are quite dense. Slow Wit lets her enthusiasm get the better of her and she runs on ahead into the trees, and we can see that it's not far at all before the forest becomes very dark and very spooky.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So the Huntsman escorted Slow Wit deep into the woods. Slow Wit, completely oblivious to her own danger, walked around happily, looking at all the animals they passed, and gazing up into all the trees...
Slow Wit stares upward into the trees so high she doesn't watch where she's going, and WHAM!
NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)
...and walking into them.
Smith nervously looks around and confirms he and Slow Wit are completely alone - alone together, I mean. Slow Wit has her back to him, too focused on a bird nest in another tree she's staring up into - WHAM! - until she walks into that one. She quickly shakes it off and resumes bird watching, her back still to Smith. Slowly, silently, he pulls his long hunting knife out of its sheath and creeps up toward Slow Wit. Closer and closer, he gets within a few feet of Slow Wit and raises his knife...
Slow Wit suddenly turns around to face Smith. Smith quickly whips his knife arm down behind his back and gives her a very wide, very nervous grin.
SLOW WIT
Thank you for taking me out here, Mr. Smith. I just hope you aren't going to kill anything!
SMITH
(speaks too quickly)
No-no! Not at all! Just a nature hike, that's all! Nothing suspicious about that, no sir!
Slow Wit stares at Smith's nervous posture, concealed arm, bulging eyes, and too-wide-to-be-normal grin.
SLOW WIT
What's behind your back?
Smith quickly looks behind him, then back at Slow Wit.
SMITH
(still nervous, grinning)
The forest!
SLOW WIT
Are you hiding something? Is it a surprise?
SMITH
No-no!
SLOW WIT
"No-no", you're not hiding something, or "no-no", it's not a surprise?
SMITH
(too fast, too nervous)
Yes! I mean no! I MEAN- ! . . I'm not hiding anything!
Slow Wit isn't as slow-wit as her name suggests: She can tell he's hiding something.
SLOW WIT
Come on, be a sport! Show me your hands!
He can tell she can tell he's hiding something. We can tell he's doing something frantic with his arm behind his back before he finally pulls both hands out front. They're empty.
SMITH
See? Nothing!
Slow Wit gives him a skeptical look, but then shrugs in acceptance.
SLOW WIT
Okay. I'm sorry if I made you nervous.
She turns away. CUT to a CLOSEUP of Smith's back: The knife is tucked into the back of his belt, with the blade pointed down.
Smith sighs in relief, wipes his sweaty brow, and glances a tree stump nearby for him to sit down and let his heart rate drop back to normal again. He sits down, and the knife blade tilts in exactly the wrong way, making him stand back up in a BIG hurry:
SMITH
YEEEEEEOOOOOWWW!
Slow Wit whirls around. Smith is rubbing his rump.
SLOW WIT
Are you all right?
SMITH
(puts on nervous but brave face)
Fine - fine! J-just sat on a . . . on a - a thumbtack! Yeah, a thumbtack!
SLOW WIT
Must've been some thumbtack! You look like you've been stabbed!
SMITH
(nervousness goes up two levels)
"Stabbed"! NO-NO, nothing like that!
SLOW WIT
Mr. Smith, calm down! You're a bundle of nerves! Maybe you should take a vacation, I'd hate for you to get a stroke or something because of too much stress.
It takes several moments, but Smith calms himself down a bit.
SMITH
Stress. Yeah, I got stress, all right! This job's really starting to get to me!
(beat)
Thanks, Princess. Just . . thanks for being concerned.
SLOW WIT
Well, why wouldn't I be? You've been such a good friend to me all these years.
(beat)
Well okay, I wish you hadn't shown me how black pudding is made, but other than that, thank you, just for being there! You know, when my wicked stepmother would really pile the work on me . . . and scream at me . . . and spike my morning cocoa with castor oil . . . somehow you always know how to cheer me up, and let me know I'm not alone. Just the fact that you're there for me lets me know my life isn't all bad, and that someday it'll get better.
Smith feels really uncomfortable now.
SMITH
. . . Uh, you're welcome, Princess. . . . I'm . . . glad I could help. . . . You're a good kid.
(beat)
You deserve a lot better.
Smith suddenly recoils and throws his knife to the ground in full view of Slow Wit.
SMITH
Oh hell, I can't do this!
SLOW WIT
(surprised)
Do what?
SMITH
I gotta level with you, Princess! The Queen sent me out here to kill you!
SLOW WIT
What! I know she has it in for me, but - why would she want to kill me? And why would you be in on it?
SMITH
I didn't want to, but she's mad! She's insane with jealousy because you're more beautiful than she is!
SLOW WIT
"Beautiful!" That's what it's all about? It can't be!
SMITH
I'm telling you, all the bats have flown out of her belfry! Your only chance is to run away. Run as far away from the castle as you can!
SLOW WIT
But run where?
SMITH
Who cares? Anyplace is better than that castle! Just go!
SLOW WIT
But what about you, Mr. Smith?
SMITH
Don't worry, I'll make her think I killed you. Then maybe I'll go to Washington, I don't know, anywhere but here!
SLOW WIT
(afraid)
All right. I'll never forget you!
Scared for her life for the first time in her life, Slow Wit runs into the deep, dark woods. She makes it about ten feet before she slams into another tree trunk. She recovers a little more slowly this time, and resumes her flight into the woods. Seconds later, another WHAM! is heard from out of sight.
SMITH
Oh boy. At this rate, the Queen'll make her into black pudding.
(beat; shudders)
Now I wish I hadn't seen how it's made!
TO BE CONTINUED